How to overcome my loss

WhyMeGod · Sep 11, 2011

Hi Ladies,

My first post with high expectations to get help from you all. I restricted myself from posting to IL for a long time thinking I could overcome any pain in my life. But now, the past and present incidents trouble me so much and I am so weak emotionally and physically.

Little background about my life. I am born in a big joint family and literally raised as a princess with so much love and care from my grandparents, uncles, aunts, and my beloved parents. Also I am the eldest girl in the whole generation of families ( grand parents and parents are the eldest). I am the first person to finish engineering deg whereas the girls at my age bore children and guys into business(conservative muslim community). I always stood first academically and always the achiever in my family and all my 100's of younger cousins considers me as an Ideal. I lived in Blore for 2 years and worked and lived independently before marriage. I am married to a wonderful person who loves me to death. He has an elder and younger brother. Everything looks lovey dovey in my life and far an outsider, my life is bed of roses.

I moved to US after marriage and my only wish I had, as a newly wedded bride was to visit India every year with lots and lots of gifts to the family members since I am always showered with gifts and now its time to return my love. Though its trivial to mention here, that was the only dream I had when I came to US. We had few glitches and friction between my inlaws and my family during my marriage and was hoping everything will fade off as time passes. After few months in US, we ( me and my hub) met with an accident and was bed ridden for few months with no help from anyone. Forgot to mention, my husband has tooooo many relatives in and around US and I have none in my family who stepped out of my hometown. Meanwhile I got an admission to pursue my MS degress as well as H1B visa from lottery. I planned to defer my studies and use my H1b. So, I stayed in a different state away from my DH and started working. My stay was excruciatingly painful being away from DH but we managed somehow and met during weekends. All those 2 yrs, my inlaws never showed any concern on me during my accident or when I was staying out. They found every reason to ridicule me and put me on shame. They never understood the pain I had to go through to step out of my nest and stand on my own leg. For them, other female relatives who are married and live in US as a housewife are the ideal wife material and I am someone who is not fit for the family. They all have passed only high school but my MIL never stops comparing me with them and keep taunting about their cooking skills, sewing and all craps. One thing I don't understand is I take care of my husband well and ready to do anything for him whatever he commands for. I am not a feminist but I do have a self respect of my own and my DH understands me very well. It was so painful to tolerate such attitude. During my stay, I got a shocking news that my mom (47) had an attack and has very low heartbeat(23) and needed immediate surgery. I quit the job same day, vacated my house, traveled to my city with hubby in thunder storm and booked a flight and came to India and this was done in 24 hours interval. Though I was shattered thinking of my mom, I went to nearby walmart and brought some gifts for both of our families. The day I landed in India and those 2 months of stay, all I did was to take care of my mom before and after the surgery, travel between apollo and my home. I never had a chance to do anything outside of hospital's visit other than going to my inlaws. Whenever I visited my inlaws family in between, they always treated me bad and snubbed me. Though I brushed it off since my main concern was my mom's health and get her back to normal. I planned to stay for 3 months and one fine day, I came to know from co-sis (who was quite good to me at that time) that my inlaws were so unhappy about the gifts I got for my family, cursed me saying I was spending all my DH's money on my family and all such nonsenes. They expected me to return empty handed and not get anything for my own family. What I didn't understand was, though I earned every penny and got those stuff, why did they still talk about these trivial matter when my mom's life was hanging.. I was shocked to know this cheap attitude of the people who valued money more than human's life (his younger bro said these words directly to me) andso, I pre-poned my ticket and returned back to US immed since I was so hurt and seeing me crying hurted my family more. After my return, I took MS and struggled hard to balance my family and studies together and completed with the highest GPA this May.
We live in small Univ town where no IT jobs are available other than Univ job s (visa restrictions) and that was the reason why I chose to work in a different place before MS. In my third semester, I got a full time job in my univ and I started working from my final semester. Later this June, after completing my 4 yrs anniversary, we found out we were pregnant which we had been waiting for last 2 years (was ttc). The happiness knew no bounds and I informed everyone and my family spent everyday talking, dreaming life around my future kid. Everything felt so perfect. Whereas I had no reactions from my IL's family except my FIL who was very overwhelmed. Since my kid would be the first kid in both of our families( his elder bro doesn't have one yet), I was hoping bigger reaction from my mil but she was silent and her voice was low. After everything happened in the past and I was hoping one day, when I announce my preg news, they will then accept me as their DIL and their own family member. It never happened. Dh's younger bro's wedding is this Nov and they were more concerned about my DH's visit to India rather than the child inside me. During my 8th week, my MIL told DH to leave me at someone's place and come to India alone. Dh was too upset and he asked, nobody has time to take care of a preg woman and its my responsibility to make sure she is healthy. He also said, where will she sleep and what if something happens. She responded very quietly saying she can sleep in some corner of someone's house and she is working and so she can take care of any medical expenses. You don't worry about her. The minute I heard this, I was totally shattered. If I make a single call to my family, they will be in US in the next flight. But she always thinks I am an orphan. I have not shared any of this to my family since day one of my wedding cos I knew for sure, this will affect them more than I and I thought, since I have my DH's support, I can handle any hurdles. But I lost my strength. She is always furious about the way my DH showers love on me and nobody in his family could digest the same fact. This was always a problem since the beginning of my married life and they have asked directly and indirectly if I did some mantra on him. In the past, when I cried, it only affected me emotionally but during my pregnancy, I cried alot thinking why these people still poke me for every reason and try to spit venom on me. This thought affected me so emotionally and physically but I coped with the situation and continued doing what I am used to. During my 10th week, I had my first ultrasound and found out my child's heartbeat stopped at 8th week and my pregnancy was not viable. I was totally drained and my hubby who is my strength/power/pillar shattered more than I. I have not seen him in tears until then. It took him a whole week to come out of this loss. We have not told anyone since we found it on Eid's day and I did not have enough strength to talk this to my family and spoil their happiness. I wanna give one more week's time for us to accept the fact. We informed after reconfirming my miscarriage to both of our families. Needless to say, my family was shattered. But as usual, his mom talked only to him for 2 mins and kept the phone. I went through D&C 2 days back and I am emotionally, physically drained out. I don't have enough strength to face anything in life now. After 4 days, there was no single call from anyone of his family asking what we do here.. We 2 handled everything alone with none's help. Nothing could console us other than my child's rebirth.

The reason I am posting is to find out what am I doing wrong. Why there is so much animosity from them? It is easy to say, don't bother about those ppl and have a don't care attitude. I am trying hard but I am stressing out more than before. Doc said, I might have early heart issues like my mom due to my stress. So, I need to find a closure or a way to overcome my loss and a way to handle my emotions towards these heartless ppl. My hubby sends min 10k$ yearly to them and they still don't get satisfied. They always see me as someone who is trying to snatch their son away from them. They want me as a typical woman who has no mind of her own, no family of her own, no education of her own. I do not want to call what ever I did was an achievement but I tell you, its not rosy what I had to go through. Every phase was a struggle and being in US is not a privilege to some one who have worked in India before. Cos we all know the visa restrictions and how it traps you? But I managed to handle everything single handedly with my DH's support. When will they understand or atleast accept I am just a normal human being who craves for love and acceptance? How do I handle these people? Please tell me.

Dhaanika · Sep 11, 2011

Hi there, I'm so sorry about what you've been through. Dealing with it all is tough, and you're bound to be very vulnerable right now. I'm sure IL members here will have a lot of support and insight to offer you on how you could productively manage your emotions and relatives. I just didn't want to read and run. Hang in there and please give yourself some time first.

About the in-laws etc, all I could say is, as much as we wish to hasten things, change things, wish they weren't so etc, what I've learnt over the years is, one can't rush relationships or change people. The best one could do is manage one's own emotions and learn to recognize the places, peoples, things that bring us sadness, or energize us, and then, actively seek out more of the latter kind to keep our happiness and harmony.

I wish you the best. Take care!

SriVidya75 · Sep 11, 2011

Am sorry to hear about your loss.....but one thing is sure.....after reading what you ever you wrote here...I will say YOU ARE A BLESSED HUMANBEING!! you have a loving husband...who stands up to his parents, fights for his LOVE i.e his wife....

And whats my suggestion for you??? REMEMBER this is called LIFE. not everything and everyone will be as per what we expected or as per what we consider as good.

Do not expect your inlaws to be nice to you...the more you stress you want good treatment from them..the more you will see the nastyness. I have a college friend who has gone through the exact stuff and she even went into depression and undergone treatment for it...(why??? because she felt bad tat her inlaws doesnt like her and they think she is snatching away their son....)but how can you change such thoughts that they have...youc ant...its their outlook and insecurity that makes the behaviour of such inlaws. doesnt matter how much ever good you do....they will see what they want to see.

so STOP stressing your self over their bad treatment/beahviour. if you dont like or cant take this treatment move away from that situation/phone call/talk/place/room. dont stand infront of them expecting some nice words.

Remember you have one person who means a lot and he is the ONLY person who matters here. thats your HUSBAND. as long as he knows who youa re and what you are!! hell with the world yaaa...come on cheer up and get well soon and be strong....babydust to you.....may god bless you with a cute chubby n healthy lil one!! you concentrate on only one thing i.e your family. your husband and your future kids and their happiness. If the woman in the house is happy entire family will be happy remember that and move on!!

monita · Sep 12, 2011

Hey WhymeGod,
Sorry about your loss. Don't lose heart. Consult your gynac. I am sure you will be lucky next time.

About your ILs behaviour- It's quite common, as you would find from other threads on this forum that many ILs are only concerned about their sons and don't give a damn about the DIL. So, don't expect them to change and be caring. You are lucky you have a caring DH who has stood by you.

One thing I would like to say is that I think you are too proud of your achievements and may be unknowingly you have conveyed that to your ILs as well and they think of you as snooty. I know many housewives look down on women who don't like being a housewife and things like cooking, sewing etc. Like you, I am also not a stereotypical housewife and I don't enjoying doing household stuff like cooking etc. while my SILs , MILs and all other women in the family enjoy these things and they think very highly of themselves that they are doing all that. My MIL doesn't really care about out education or my achievements. All she cares about is what I am cooking, what work I am doing at home. You can't change such people or expect them to appreciate what you do. All you can do is agree to disagree. They do what they like doing and you do what you like doing, but don't look down on them because they are less educated than you and they are not earning money.

For overcoming the grief and generally helping your mental wellbeing, learn meditation and join some spiritual group. You can also read spiritual books and there are lots of audio CDs available that can help you meditate. Play some soothing music, watch comedy films, buy flowers for yourself and be happy that you live far away from ILs and don't have to endure them 24/7.

cj1980 · Sep 12, 2011

I am truly sorry for your loss. I pray God gives you and your husband the strength to come through this tough phase, but remember that this too will pass...you may not understand why this is happening right now, but I encourage you to trust Him because He loves you unconditionally.

As far as your ILs are concerned, I suggest you don't give too much importance to their antics. I know this is not the answer you wanted to hear, but I believe you are losing your peace of mind over things beyond your control. The way I see it, you are blessed with a huge family of loved ones back in India and a fantastic husband who is protecting you from his own family! You are well educated and qualified to hold a great job in the U.S. Above all, you don't have to live with your ILs and face this kind of treatment every single day...a trauma that many women on this forum are struggling with and fighting to escape from!

Get your mind off people who don't have your best interests at heart. You cannot change them nor get into their good books. If they want to sideline you and speak ill of you, they are choosing to be that way...what have you got to do with it? Why do you want to waste an otherwise lovely life for people who couldn't care less about you?! Just do what you can to maintain a cordial relationship and a safe emotional distance from them. As long as you have your hubby by your side, you have absolutely nothing to worry about!

I wish you a speedy mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical recovery and I pray you get to hold your little one soon.

Carol

sadwife · Sep 12, 2011

Dear WhyMeGod,

I am so sorry for your loss. I know no amount of words could console you but just think there is a reason behind everything.

You are very lucky as your husband loves you so much and always stands by you. That's the biggest gift and blessing anyone could have. And also your in laws are not staying with you under the same roof.

They are jealous and scared of you. They are jealous because you are much more educated than them. So their low self esteem makes them to insult you or they think they can make you feel bad or useless by comparing their skills in house hold things like cooking, sewing etc. Always remember despite what they say, what they think of you or how they treat you, you are thousand times better than them.

They worry you being an educated and a successful career woman would easily influence your husband to neglect them or totally cut all ties with them. That is their problem. You don't have to prove to them that you have no such bad intentions. Your husband knows you better than anybody else.

Stop hoping to be accepted by them. Don't wait for them to ask about you or talk to you over the call. Just ask your husband how are they doing and whether everything is fine with them every time they call. Your husband would see the difference, he would know you do care for them so you occasionally ask about their whereabouts.

Sathiyahere · Sep 12, 2011

Hi Fren,

Am really sorry for your loss. I pray to God that he gives u all the strength to overcome such tough situations.

When i read your post, i felt as if i have written it. Most of the things, that you are talking about, is the same as what i am going through. Even i used to think "Why all these things are happening to me,God?". But believe friend, all these will pass away oneday. Am not saying, everyone will start liking you, but sooner you will understand that 'These people will never change'. You can never make them understand that, you don't have such notions as they think. So as days pass by, you yourself will learn how to ignore them.You would start feeling that worrying about what they say or think, is not solving the issue and infact it's affecting you more mentally and physically. Never worry and just let days go by. Enjoy what you like to do and never even lend your ears to what people say. The best part is that your husband knows you and understands you. Thats the great support one can get.From my experience itself, i know how difficult it is to hear the words "Ignore". But you will surely learn to do it. I myself have felt how people are easily asking to ignore but how can one do it. You just take care of your husband and live your life as you both wish to. Your ILs are doing all these expecting that you will start feeling bad for it and hence to make you loose your happiness in life. But show them that, whatever they do, you will never get hurt.That will be a big blow for them. Enjoy life .

Hope we all will soon hear the good news of you being on your family way. All the hest and keep smiling.

tinku · Sep 12, 2011

Hi there!
I agree with what all the ILs have advised you here. Resentment is a part of almost any MIL towards her DIL and it is not a new episode. Even I have experienced this. Initially I would think more about these matters and was very unhappy about it. I would keep analysing about such things and worry a lot. I would even show anger on my DH who is so good to me.
But of late, I have learnt to ignore such matters from them. I think of the word "IGNORE AND MOVE ON. YOU HAVE MORE GOOD THINGS TO CONCENTRATE UPON" every time I could sense an uneasiness with them.
Now I am more releived of many tensions around. Try this for a month and see. You ll definitely feel a bit better than how you feel now. This really helps me a lot.
You cant change people. But you can change your attitude and ignore them. Concentrate in your work. Anyway its hard to please them. Atleast try to get releived of such tensions.

kavisrinivas · Sep 12, 2011

Hi,

Even i have been facing lot of problems both from my widow MIL,SIL as well as from My SIL's daugther.My husband is like puppet in their hands.Imagine how would my life be..Just looking to my 1year old son am still staying with them.

For you atleast you have u r husbands support,sometimes to be frank we should be thankful for what we get.I have gone through lot of mental and physical torture from these people still am surviving for my son that to i have been giving my salary am not getting the respect which am eligible for.

so please dont care abt those fools,fit for nothing ..no MIL can be Mother and no DIL can be daughter understand this fact and dont have any feelings towards them...u have to be emotionally strong now,what ever happens it happens for good so dont worry u will soon get to hear good news..

Just believe in GOD

Many times i have cried asking god Y me but later i will make up my mind thinking there are many people who are facing problems worst than me so cheer up

Regards,
Kavitha

Anamika99 · Sep 12, 2011

I m so sorry about your loss, i can kind of relate to your loss if not completely, i had almost lost my son and luckily we did not have to go through that unfortune, and all was because of stress from in-laws.

Do not put up with this any more such that your future gets impacted. U have your hubby's support and he understands u is the biggest thing you have. U rather not have in-laws, believe me it is good for u if they r liek that. DO your duty, like u did by getting gifts for them and then do nto worry what they have to say. Always keep upper hand but do not care to have reciprocation from them.

sometimes MILs who have superior (in educationm, fashion, etc) DILs they can't handle it and tries to find every way to put DIL down infront of everybody to show that themselves are superior and not DIL.

Focus on your family (family = u, hubby,new life which u will bring to world eventually but minus PILs)

good luck