how do i deal on this situation with my PILs?

I have no idea how to handle this behavior of my PILs.

They are very great with my son in a couple of way, they take good care in the sense daily stuff, bathing, feeding (my MIL will make good stuff for my son to eat) if we ask him to teach something or work on something with him, they will.

But I think it is so secondary if he does not get it, he will be still all right,I mean whatever I cook, he will be ok with that, with some special sweet or something he will enjoy for moment and then creates good memory about grandma in his mind , that is about it…not that it is helping him in a special way for his development, if they were not around I still cook nutrition-filled food. We eat out less. – very less. IF I do not cook varities as often as my MIL, I do and he gets all the things to try from my hand. If in-laws not around he still gets lessons on teaching he needs from home. Infact in spend more time with him when in-laws r not with us.

So sorry for the background but I think it was needed. SO I mentioned advantages he is getting through gradparents around is food and little teaching and some Care, and kind of culture they try to impart – so orthodox, I rather not have it. And love he gets – that advantage is diminished by their behavior in certain matters.

In earlier thread I had mentioned how my FIL handled when my son cried as his teacher did not show up to pick him up. AS I mentioned my son is so sensitive and takes it to heart. Suchi things happening again and again.

1) They blame him that he forgets them when I come home from work ( so poor guys runs back to them to hug after he hugs me)
2) If he does ‘mommy mommy’ he is told directly by my MIL he is “mawadiyo” (ma ka pallu pakadne wala)
3) Today, he rode on bigger bicycle for the first time, he was scared (he is timid kind of person) my FIL told him on his face that he is disappointed by him
4) When he does not do something he told he is ‘nikkamma”
5) When he does not perform well on something when practicing at home, he is told on his face that he will fail badly instead of giving +ve attitude (and then my son repeats it to me later that he knows he is going to fail)
6) His friends was told by my FIL that my son is ‘fosiram” (fearful and not very brave) infront of my son, and my son even complained to me about it


Besides everything he does, they have lots of ‘don’t and do’s

I feel it is raising child of low confidence and self-esteem , I am so mad, I have told few instances to my DH and he did explained to them about my child personality and how to handle him, but they expect superman out of DS and it is I think taking toll on my son.

He has started complaining to me that sometimes he feels like crying for no reason, he talks about hitting him self, and sometimes he says he is the worst person in the world. I think he is going to depression route. I might be thinking too much but I am thinking it because I have been in that phase when I got married and I got lots of low confidence and low self esteemed creating treatment from PIL. I went through route of depression hence I think I kind of know when I see one like that , may be I m wrong (and I’d be happy if I am wrong in my thinking)


Top of that my DH’s parewnting style is too old like he talks about spanking for discipline and creates lots of power struggle, after months hard work on DH he comes on line and understands about proactive parenting style and when my in-laws come here it goes back to his original style. “focus, else I will slap you” or will start scolding with raised voice instead of just using calm and firm voice,


I feel my son is taking so much in and not saying anything , everytime when I say ok he asks me if somebody scolds him. It is like 3 against one, 3 lowering his confidence and I m the one trying to boost him and make him through this face with +ve feedback. (not praising my self, but I know where I am good at and where I am not, I know I am not a good cook or good networking person, but I think I can understand a child’s behavior well,not only mine, if enough time spent, I can understand somebody else’s child too)
It is just getting so hard for me to handle…in spite my husband telling repeatedly to them about this things (#3 and #6 my husband is not aware about as it happened today and I did not have a chance to talk) they keep doing it again and again and again..,,,


I m feeling so bad today that I should run away with my son (I know I will nto do it but just expressing how bad I feel)

Please advice what can I do here and make them stop doing it? (please do not tell me that if I want my son raised in my ways then sit home and take care of him instead of in-laws. I do not call my in-laws here to take care of him. They come here because they want to and they take care on other fronts because they want to, I never ask for help. I think I do good job taking care of my son when they r not here) please just suggest ideas…how to deal

Sorry about long e-mail but I m so upset…beyond anybody’s imagination.

 

sheztheone,

First of all, thanks a lot for your reply, i appreciate it.
You are so right.

One instant i raised the issue, and it came back on me saying that i reinforced that in his mind (my PILs said to my son that when ur mom comes u go crazy and as soon as ur dad comes ur brain starts working, so when i entered my son said "dang it, i wish it was dad, as when u come i go crazy") and there was a huge fight and things were told (like I have told my DS that 'grandparents DS ke kan bhar rahe hai") and there was so much tension, so i try to avoid.

I told my son in the night and gave so many example where he excels and boosted his confidence back. i just could not tell infront of them that it is ok if he is scared to ride big bike. i know i should have for the same reason u mentioned and plus he will learn to keep quite even when he needs to speak up....

I am so angry at myself for not doing it, just wanted to avoid big fight again.

I am in so much pain, no one even begin to imagine....i feel so helpless for not being able to speak up, i really really really want them out of my house, for 13 years i did a lots of things for them, out of duty, out of love and out f respect, i think i need to live for my son now, and if i speak up there will fight after fights, i rather not have them around....i wish i can make that magic happen :rant

 

Unhappywife,
i liek your suggestion, i can teach my son, he is 7 but he surely can reply poliely, i think next time when happens i will apply this.
Also about involving him in easy task. As a matter of fact he got some award at school so he was so excited the next day. Gave me such a relief.
About spending time with him at school or somethin like that as he will end up telling in-laws and they will be questioning if u can leave work for him leave for stuff for the house or for them. In past when i got awards at work, i shared and their reply was , do the same work at home, pay proper attention....(the tone was to convey that i miss some organizing, regualrity at home, how do i explain, i have to trade of something to balance everything, i have stoopped sharing my progress with them because that happened not once, twice or thrice) I try to encourage my son though duting bed time and tell him instances where i think he did great and explain why

You were so right about not compaling so much to my husband about her parents and fading relationship, unfortunately i ended up as it was too much to take for me, the anxiety i got, i was crying for the whole night and whole day at work...and took it out to him then only i felt better. (i m so easy going parent and do not have so many rules, but i am way too concern about certain things in raising my son, I will be allright if he is not too roganized, is he gets Bs and not As, etc, but I am paranoid when it comes to confidence developign and self-esteem and I can tolerate bit of here or there in that case, especailly when i kind of worried about my son having possibly ADHD) after reading your post, i said sorry to him and explained that i m worried on a couple of thing for son and there r thingswhich affect it, i get annoyed very much

i do what u said, little differentl, i let him go to my hubby just for playing or something i deal with everything, it is just when in-laws around i m spread so thin i can not handle everything for DS. And most of the time, it works out that my DH does not lose temper and it works...so u r so right

Dhanika,

without me telling about it, knowing how i feel with them, my DH has talked to them a couple of times about the solution u mentioned, not as propsoign to them but in the name of what a friend did, and what the article said he read and why it is healthy do it for rleationship etc to get the feel and they were like all over him as to how it is just liek staying in 'elderly house' and how it is liek kicking parents out of the house. And so funny that we have a couple here we know who is the same age as my in-laws, their DIL is american and they have the arrangment like this, this couple lives in near by house, go to DIL and sons house every day after school or during vaction and take care of grand kids. And my in-laws then appreciate the system that how nice that this couple get their space and still be with grand kids...so my husband couple of time mentioned, let's we do it do in fun tone ...and reply was that works for DIL is amercian, in us indians it does not look nice and not a good thing to etc..

My husband was just spectators for a long time, but he has changed a lot, now he does speak up as needed , but like things which comes though me he can nto say because then they start blam,ing him that i m complaing about them, so it gets harder for him.

Spanking, there was time he spanked me a lot - right after marriage, even when i was expecting happened once, and happened once after my son was born , he spanked my son as well...but I have been able to stop all of that by little bit training at a time, sharing medical documents and all. ANd after my mental health issues i had, i think he had self-realization and may be my doc talked who knows, he had 180 degree change towards me, he has been always good at heart just short tempered and was more inclned towards parents, but now he has seen how much I have done for his parents so he takes my side too when I m right and he controls his temper.
FOr my son he still uses spanking as threat....for last 1 yr he has nto spanked him as i keep working on DH to stop it. AS i mentioned my son may have ADHD , and has no focus on anything, like even in eating and takes an hr or more to fall asleep, so hyper...all the time, it is easy to lose templer for short-temper person and DH ends us using slapping as threat. I still am working on it for him to stop that even. If u have any ideas let me know because i also end up losing temper to my son and tempted to use some threat at times due to his hyper acitvities and lack focus etc, i have just learnt to controll though as I have read about side effects and trying to convey that to DH.