Calling mil as amma - Do we really mean? Is it peer pressure?

Hi,

This issues does result in some embarrassing moments in our family. When I got married, my MIL did casually tell me to call her as 'amma' but I could not do that somehow - I hardly knew her and the expectation actually made me hesitate more. Slowly, we got to know each other and really hit it off very well but still I could not call her as 'amma'. I think my MIL's expectations came as she had only sons and no daughters and her other two daughters-in-law are not tamilians. I could understand all this and empathise with her but still the word would not come. I have now reconciled to the fact and let it be like that though I refer to her 'as amma' in converstations and not directly call her like that.

Now, the relationship has matured that I think she does not mind it anymore. It is my daughter (6 yrd old) who makes fun at times! I think my MIL now knows that 'amma' or 'no amma', I care for her. She also respects me for my individuality and honest approach and may have understood that she has to accept it.

After becoming a mother myself, I feel that 'amma' is for that one and only 'mother'. I am not a sentimental person but I have understood that I can only call my mother as 'amma'. I only wish that MILs dont have the expectation and put daughters-in-law in a fix. Like I said, a mere addressing as 'amma' does not guarantee love and care - it has to come from the heart and does not depend on calling somebody as 'amma'.

Cheers,
Sumathy

 

Hi Vanathi, I have many friends who call their ILs as 'athai' and 'maama'. I've always thought that that's what makes sense. Some of my relatives have married their own cousins. They call their ILs as athai and maama. But those of us who've not married relatives are supposed to call ILs as amma and appa. Sounds illogical and weird to me. For e.g. my husband's brother can marry my sister right. In such case, do I call him 'Anna' or 'Maama'.

In fact, just after my brother's marriage, his wife's father expired. She does have love and regard for her father-in-law (my father), but doesn't it feel bad to start calling someone as 'appa' soon after your own appa has expired.

Most of all, like Sumathy said there can only be one 'amma' and 'appa'.

Regards,
Raji

 

Dear Dsrini & Others,
In my case it wasnt pressure.Its altogether a different story.My MIL is my Husband's Step mom as my "own" MIL died when my hubby was 2 years old.But Step mom came into his life when he was 6.5 yrs old only.From that very day she has never bothered to take care of my hubby at all.So he himself stopped calling her as amma when he was 8 years old. My Step MIL does not have any kids, coz her uterus was very weak and she had other gyno problems.So my FIL before wedding requested me if i can revive the family bonding in somewway and wanted me to act as a "reformer". So it was me who initiated calling my Step MIL as amma as a first step of revival....but in vain..She was not nice to me too.....but still i call her that way hoping for the best...to happen one day..and hope god gives her some good thoughts at least for once in her lifetime!!!

 

hai friends
this habit of calling amma must had been natural in those days when our ancestors got the children married when young. when you mix along with the husbands family defenitely the child will call what you call, now i am the perims even to my brother's son not out or compulsion but natural as others are sis's children who call me perimma, any amount of explaining he would not change that.

so as children this habit developed and sometimes i feel when a child that has come into the house calls you amma, it vibrates inside and you start looking at that person more like your child, and i dont agree here that every mother is a favorite of their child or otherwise, even among siblings there could be a lot of difference of opinion and it has nothing to do with calling them amma that will make them the amma or otherwise. difference of opinion with food and habits are defenitely going to be around from one to the other then mil is no different here, and sometime some ammas are very difficult to please, or think they should keep the image or may loose their respect, foolishness though..

somtime the amount of physical contribution like taking care, cooking and cleaning and dusting so many things a mother does in the son's house as the daughter leaves in time to her in laws, so when a mother can take the trouble of doing so many things dont you think u should take a step forward without analyzing the name.

i think it is our tamil panbhu which addressing a woman as amma konjam dayavu pannunga to amma yen inda paaraamugam to the ambal, is very common, and in total amma is not a word of affection alone but to someone you want a good relation of future and you look forward to be in better books sometime it helps a lot to get to know your husband very well, even to correct him from his waywordness an amma can help none other, our mil precede here, it is a relationship that we bridge, and what is in a name if something wonderful can blossom our way..sunkan

 

I call my MiL 'amma' and often she refers to me as 'ponnukku mela'. But we both know at heart that she is never going to be equal to my mother (or even some aunts). And she knows just as well that she will never consider my in the same level as her daughter.

This addressing, however makes family relations smooth and pleasant. Though I dont mean it when I call her 'amma', I don't not mean it either. Even if given another choice, I would still stick to amma. After marriage, the husband's family is ours and we have to bond in every way possible.

In my father's family, his eldest brother and wife were anna and manni to everyone, including their own children. When their son got married, my periamma was incredibly thrilled since my new manni called her amma. They share a good bond on that account. As Aruna said, their purva janma punyam.

 

Hi Raji,

Actually in our place all ILs are called athai and maama whether you marry your relatives or not (saves a lot of trouble if you ask me!). My husband is not related to me BTW.I also have plenty of friends from other parts of TN where the same practice (of athai and maama) holds good.

Vanathi.

 

Hey

Everyone here who has responded is a south indian i guess, So i would like to give my north Indian point of view to this thread.

In a North Indian Family, we have to call MIL and FIL as Mummy Papa, they way we call our parents and if someone doesnt, there will be Huge HUE and CRY about the fact, that OMG how could this happen... how could she do that... and same goes for guys too he also has to call his MIL and FIL as Mummy Papa...

In my case, my mom told me herself to call my MIL and FIL as Mummy Papa, right in front of them, the minute my Roka ceremony took place...

Long time age I heard of a guy who used to call her wife's parents as Uncle and Aunty, and this was being discussed in a group and everybody was like Ohh God how could anyone do that, this is totally wrong... so i guess in NI families it is considered absolutely inappropriate...

~Abha

 

I agree with Abha, it is expected by everyone that you would refer to your in-laws as Mummy and Papa. In my case it was mummyji and bauji.

The only difference is that I refer to my MIL as mummyji and not mummy.

In the beginning my hubby was a little hesitant in calling my parents as mummy and papa..but I asked him to and since then he's started calling them that.

 

Nice topic!!

Well, fortunately in my family i've noticed there are no laid down rules in this matter. I've seen some of my cousins calling their MIL as 'amma' & some as 'athe' (meaning MIL in kannada).
I took a different path & address my Mil as 'mummy' (just another word for amma, isn't it?). She's happy too & it suits me fine coz i can't bear to call anybody else 'amma' the way i address my mom with a lot of love, respect & affection.

Cheers!
Ragini.