Wife maintaining a distance with husbands family

You sound like a practical and sensible person. Just want to tell few things:

1. If her true nature is not being family oriented there is no point trying to advise her. Her past experiences may have been hurtful with family (her own) so she may be thinking no good can come from any family including yours. What am trying to say is [ls try to accept her as a complete person with all the baggages. The more you resent her aloofness the more you are attacking her troubled childhood. This problem is not just with kids with divirced parents, also with abusive parents, with kids who lost their parents very early.

2. You are lucky to get a wife who is not imposing her belief onto you and trying to control you oe change you. But if you see you are trying to impose your beliefs and pricniples onto her. Value her individuality and the independent person that she is.


3 You should introspect and see of you have unreasonable expectations. Just for an example, if you see yourself as the perfect son who is also a nice guy check whether you want your wife to be the prefect Daughter in law and bhabhi. It can be very suffocating for a husband/wife who has to be living upto someone else's expectation

4. You mentioned you visit your parents 4 times a month. Not sure if she is also coming with you bur isnt that enough that she does not create any fuss that why you are so close to your family? Do you think you will be quiet if she visits her parents this often and expect you to come along 4 times a month?

From your own words it feels that there is lots of good in her as well. Its like saying you are dreaming about vanilla ice cream when you have chocolate ice cream in hand. Pls pardon my analogy. Enjoy your life with her,

 

Wow visiting parents four times a month, means every weekend, and you are thinking about divorce. We do not force each other to talk to parents, unless it is something important. If you are thinking about divorce for such small issues, you are not ready for another relationship. What do you mean by man up and growing spine?

 

You seem to be a good man but I think you should try to be more accomodative. Being a family oriented person myself I completely understand your feelings.But just give it a deep thought. Your parents themselves wouldn't prefer you divorcing your wife.
Having kids, changes your life for good. When you go through the pleasures and problems in bringing up children you tend to appreciate the effort of your parents and in laws. So give it some time! You are sure to have a peaceful life with your wife!

 

I would say this is little too much of your wife. Not ready to go to your own brother's engagement is unacceptable. You have to be assertive on this thing. You both have to go to your brother's engagement.

Visiting 4times a month- even this expectation is not accepted from you. After marriage girls dont like to visit even their parents place so often. Cut down to once or twice in a month. You people spend the time together at home, watch movies, or just sit and relax at home together. I am sure you did the same while you were with your parents before marriage rather going to your grannie places every weekend.

Phone calls- After coming back from office, you might get some hours to spend with your DW. Do you call your parents every evening? Better spend time helping her in kitchen..if you are so tired relax for while get your energy back and go for walk with her ( dont call your parents and friends while walking).

Her past- Fine everyone have their past. Even your past is family oriented...you want to visit them very often. You both have to change in this thing. Both of you have to take steps towards each other. As said you have to come bit out of your parents and brothers and move towards her and she have to come out of her introvert attitude.

Arguements - If you want her to really bond with your family then dont fight and argue with her on this issue. More you pressurize her more will be defensive. Point let her carry on what she is doing that is calling occationally only.

Your problem with her family- You have not elaborated about it. This might be the case why she wants to keep a good distance from your family.

Seperation and divorce- you people are seperate since a week for this issue. This shows how you both of you are adamant on your point. Divorce is just stupid thought if you say someone that you divorced her because she dont call your parents, cook with your mom and dont come to visit your parents. And what your DW will tell about reason of divorce, that DH wants to go brother's engagement!! silly.

There is no problem between you people. You people are itself a problem.

Better call her and ask her to meet somewhere and tell that you will be attending all the occations in your families (yours and her), cutting down your visit to your parent's palce and you cant leave her as You love her. And ask her to come back.

 

Hi OP

In my view your wife is not doing anything wrong, don't try to explain her about family values etc again and again.Stop forcing her to visit your family, slowly she will understand her duties....Every human being is different, so you/your family should also understand her nature...As one friend had written it , if she will mingle more that does not mean its the end of all problems...that will be the starting point of some more new problems...

Just writing few lines about me....When I got married, I tried to mingle with my in-laws a lot...tried to become like their daughter.Daily I used to call 2 times(STD) and at the end of the month, we had to pay more than 4000RS phone bill.....Still I tried to maintain a lot...whenever we go to their place, I tried to do cooking, cleaning etc...But no one treats me the way I thought to be....Always I was compared with my SIL who was the best idol for them...My hubby cant say much in my support because I refuse him to do so...because all will blame me for that...If hubby does something good, then its their SON who has done great, if he does something wrong then its ME, who is not guiding him.....So the scenario becomes somewhat like this if a DIL tries to mingle more with in-laws.....and don't think your parents are very good, my PILs are not.....my PILS are also very good, but may be the exceptions from a DIL becomes more n more day by day..it may be phone calls,taking part in family gathering etc etc...I wish I would have behaved like your wife earlier.....

Now after 7 years of marriage I understood everything....so now calling twice a month, visiting them once in a year...but at the same time I always tell my DH to call them regularly, he calls 3/4 times a week, and they come to us whenever they like...and the MOST imp thing is I am not trying to become like their daughter, they have their daughter and I have my wonderful parents...believe me, after these things our relationship(mine with PILs) has become better.

My DH supports me all the time....so pls try to be with your wife, support her, give her more time and NEVER force her to be good with your parents....

 

What do you do when you go to parents house, just sitting and chatting with male members while your mother and wife are cooking and cleaning in the kitchen. If she is a working woman she has these extra obligations over weekends as well.

 

Hi FindingNemo,

I would like to find some answers from you.You said that you had some ego clashes with your in-laws and your wife took your side at that time.Just assume if your wife had some ego clashes with your parents but the fault is actually on your parents side.If you come to know the truth, would you take a stand against your parents and support your wife as she did to you?

Have you ever after the clash tried to patch up with your in-laws side?Let the fault be on their side as stated by you, but atleast have you given a try to talk to them as to what went wrong?If your not willing to maintain a good relation with your in-laws why are you forcing your wife to do so?

The respect and love should be showed equally to both the families.Not only your side.

Has she ever forced you to go and patch up with her family? No right?Then why not give that poor soul a little freedom to live her life happily?
I am very sorry if i sounded rude in my comments.I didnt mean to hurt you.Wishing you a peaceful married life.

 

hiya,

Frankly, raising talks about divorce after 8 months of marriage is too soon. That means either you did not bring important issues like your expectations and family dynamics before getting married or may be this relationship is based on really weak grounds and would not work. Why did you not discuss these things before marriage?

Frankly, I don't see anything so wrong in her behavior may be except declining to go to your brother's engagement. Yes, she does not want to meet your parents every weekend. Whats wrong with that. She has her own life and may be she on a personal level does not feel comfortable. Every person is different. Don't try to mould her into a good wife, good bahu persona that you think of. She never stopped you from visiting your parents or calling them. Why expect her to call them ?
Are you calling her parents regularly on your own ? Or do you initiate sunday brunches with her parents yourself? It does not matter what happened or how cordial your relationship is. If you are not taking those initiatives, why should you expect your wife to. I think she is managing well without controlling your relationship with your parents.

Different people are different. I have a bhabhi who is the same. She is a good person, but like to keep her distances. Its easier to keep cordial relationship with in-laws at a distance rather than getting too involved and getting mixed up unwanted misunderstandings. And yes, no matter how good your parents are, this happens.

Your expectations are a bit high from our wife. Usually wives fullfill these expectations not because they like them but just to keep the household happy and running. You wife speaks her mind and is true to her nature.

Either lower your expectations and learn to manage you relationships on your own, or get super involved with her family through your own initiatives to build a good relationship with them and then expect the same. Otherwise, this will always be a reason for tiff in your marriage and perhaps you are considering the right option.

 

Hi Bhuvnidhi,
clapVery well said.For men it is easy for them to think and tallk about divorce even for trivial things. They should have empathy and put them in spouse`s shoes to understand the situation. According to psychology childhood events and traumas can have the influence throughout the life.
May be his wife is possessive of him and jealous of her husband`s family bondage.Patience and deep analysis is necessary to make any step further.

 

Before marriage did you discuss about how 'family oriented' guy are you and how important it is for your wife to mingle with your parents often? If no then just stop expecting that from your wife now.

Your wife says she doesn't hate your family but it's her nature not to be close with them. Even though she is close with her family and friends you have to accept it's her NATURE not to be close with her IN LAWS.

She never complains about your family. We hope they are really nice to her and she's not hiding (not telling) some things from you as she wants to act matured here. I am saying this as most in laws treat their DIL nice in front their son but show their true color at the back of their son. So these sons can't believe that their parents are actually monsters in reality.

Visiting your parents 4 times a month is really too much. And you are lucky that your wife has not voiced out her ( at least for now) disatisfaction regarding this. Reduce the visits and spend more quality time with your wife and see whether you can build strong bond with her.

Is there a law saying that every DIL should help their MIL in the kitchen or with the chores? If you care so much for your mother then why don't you help your mother? Stop saying it's the lady's job/ responsibilities. Do you bother to help your MIL if you happen to visit her?

She is not stopping you from visiting your family. Why are you forcing her to do something that she is not comfortable with? Would you be able to treat her family and mingle with them as much as you want your wife to be with your family if you were in good terms with her family?

I am not sure why you both been separated for a week now but I hope you didn't tire her with your naggings. Stop imposing your so called family values on her if you want her to stay married with you.

On the other hand, if she thinks her family background has made her to react as such a way towards your family, ask her whether you both can go for counselling together and see whether there'll be any positive changes. If she's against the idea then just leave her as it is.

Don't be fooled that if you divorce your current wife and marry another girl, she will also be family oriented like you and fulfil all your expectations.