Do they deserve this???

lalithasathish · Jun 28, 2011

@ASG: Afer reading your post, I am really shocked as to how much extreme people can go to ruin one’s lives. I don’t understand what they are going to benefit out of it. Aferall we only have one life :let live and let others live. As for your case, if your IL’s are not ready to oblige , then they really have worst things to be seen in their last days..If they are not ready to budge even after having such a wonderful DIL , its really a pity on them..no words for them though!!!.
Coming to another point that you are on the brink of getting divorced, give it one last try. Speak clearly to your hubby as to what can be done about it. But at the same time be cautious about your future too before you come out on any conclusion.. suggest you have a job in hand and then take action.. I hope you would have definitely discussed about this with your mom . What’s her call??

@gujulady :
I can understand your position too. It really feels irritating to have someone pin pointing at you all through the day . And that too for a home maker its even more a difficult task.
In your case the only thing I can suggest is to speak to your in-laws cut and right…You might have already tried all the steps to maintain a cordial relationship with them ..
First of all let them know how much you care for them and the family . Speak to your DH. I hope atleast your DH is supportive..If your DH is supportive , it’s a Plus point. Even after taking all the measures, if things don’t work out, ask your DH to explain them how difficult it is to lead a life in OAH. He can say this by citing some friend as an example saying his friends parents stay in OAH because of the troubles they caused to their DIL..blah blah....This may indirectly poke them also. It does not necessarily mean that they will be sent to OAH , but atleast they will get the hint .Maybe that may make them behave properly..I am again not sure how much they respect their son and his words though!!

Regards,
Lalitha

gujulady · Jun 29, 2011

Lalli,

I'm not sure if my FIL will understand.. According to him and my sil, It's the indian tradition that son has to take care of his parents at any cost and dil has to take all the craps from her inlaws.
He does not want to change but wants everyone around him (1 year old ) to change. He wants us to bow to him all the time and be around him like all planets revolving around sun..
We tried to live in joint family earlier when we were in India. It did not work. My fil is a kind of person who does not want any kind of responsibilities but want his dils to give him top priority all the time and take good care of him (just like hotel service.) I put my foot down because I believe every member in a family has to contribute in their own small way to keep the house in peace. It's not possible for me (having 1 yr old and 5 yr old) to do everything all alone. By this I do not expect my fil to do groceries, or day care my kids or cleaning house or cooking...
All I expect is 5 minutes of unconditional love towards grandkids while sitting at one place.. like reading books to my dd, saying some slokas to ds and helping me by peeling banana skin, orange skin, roasted peanut skin.... I hope you understand.
My ds many times was found eating food from trash in home and my fil did nothing. Just kept looking... my ds was running out of gate to road, he could have easily hit by car/scooter or fallen. My fil just was seeing at him and did not even bother to tell me...
My sils never were ready to listen my side of story... only pointing my mistake that I did not take good care of him like serving him food, giving water where ever he is ...
I put my foot down as I was not receiving any kind of positive vibes from my fil.
I made some changes like every one should be at the table for meals and I can assist there. I did not have the stamina to stand infront of fil and serve him and wait till he finishes and then I go and eat.
He is in good health, he keeps writing pages daily, walks around 1 mile daily, travels all alone from one end of the city to another in bus but does want to answer door bell even when my hands dirty, does not want to walk my dd for her activities outside.

I really worked hard in past few months to establish a good relationship with my fil (78+ yrs old ). I was talking to him almost daily (once in blue moon my dh talks) and we developed a good bond (I thought...) and my fil used to share all gossips and other information about his family which none of his children knew till now.. I cried and begged my DH to invite him to stay here with us.. I did all the leg work in sending visa documents for him and also planted the idea to my dh of sponsoring GC as soon as he comes here. I was worried if he will get visa or not and prayed as some of my friends parents were rejected in getting visa...
I was soo happy when he got visa. I even trained my mind for joint family again. My dad (age 65+) went pillar to post for doctor's appointments, accompanied with him to consulate for visa, brought tickets and my mom is taking care of him to see that he is in good health to travel here while his 2nd daughter does not want him to come to her house. In spite of all these he is in my parents' home and cursing them, me....
Few days back my dad told me to keep lot of patience when he comes here...

My 2nd sil threatens me that she will go to local tv channel and tell that I illtreat my fil. From 1 yr I'm trying to maintain atleast cordial relationship. When ever I call, her first sentence will be " haaan! what do you want". Yesterday too she started with this sentence.. I just kept ball rolling. If I don't call I will be labelled as arrogant dil..

All my efforts are going in vain and I look like a fool now...

gujulady · Jun 29, 2011

Regarding my dh's upbringing.. I will just tell you his college days and spare you the rest... My FIL used to beat my then 20 yr old college going dh with slippers infront of other girls of his age...
My Dh,mil,bil and sils have gone through lot of torture during their upbringing from my fil.. My bil does not bend much and he really does not mind if my fil lives with him or leaves him. My 2nd sil does not allow my fil to visit her house and even if he does visit her, she will fight with him and makes sure he leaves the same day. And the reason is she does not get along with her inlaws and lives separately with her dh and kids. Her dh threatens her that if she is ready to take care of her father then she should be ready to take care of his parents too.

iyerviji · Jul 7, 2011

Dear Lalitha

First of all congrats for winning the award. You really deserve it. I do not know how I missed this thread. Very well written and thought provoking also,

Now a days many senior citizens are there who are in old age homes, some go on their own to spend their retired life peacefully and some becasue of some problems. Really feel sorry for them. As you said why the youngsters dont realise that they will also become senior citizens one day. Right you are As we sow, we reap.

Some senior citizens like to stay independently so that their children can enjoy and either they visit them or the children come home.

It was nice thought of you and your friends to collect money and give for a good cause and not only that nice of you all to go and visit them. They must have been very happy to see you all. In old age seniors become like children and want love and affection. God will bless you all for the good deed you all did.

lalithasathish · Jul 11, 2011

Dear Vijima,
I am glad you liked my thread. I was out of station ,so could'nt reply you immediately. Only after i got a mail alert I looked at your thread today and came to know i won the contest. Thanks for your wishes.. But honestly speaking, my personal opinion is that there were many interesting threads which could have won the award.

Regards,
Lalli

spuppala · Jul 13, 2011

Congratulations dear..Your words are very true..they don't deserve this kind of tragic life..through out their lives they would have been into so many odds and this is their second childhood where in we have to take care of them properly...Sometimes it may happen that they involve too much into family affairs..but after all who are they??they are the pillars of our growth..and cant we just bare them for few years in their last stage?

Imagining ourselves in the similar situation probably would give a better idea of how to treat them in a noble way..They are our roots..We are their branches...

kalyanise · Jul 18, 2011

hi

test test

vjbunny · Jul 18, 2011

Hi Lalli,
A thought provoking post for contemporary women....You have written beautifully about old people and also the mindset of young people and you rightly pointed out

"whatever we visualize as kids has a great great impact on our own life in the future.."

Yes this saying is very much true...But at the same time as pointed out by Kaluputtima, it is very difficult to take care of old people because I have seen my own ajji give hell of a life to my mom till her last breath God let her sleep in peace...And on the other hand there are those who think old people as burden to them as they have to shell out money on the old persons health...I have even heard of some who did away with their responsibility by mildly poisoning daily though this may sound shocking but it is very much true...I wonder where has humanity gone???????

Pomegranite · Jul 18, 2011

Hey ladies,
I don't know if anyone is still reading this thread, but one thing that is obvious is that you really do reap what you sow. 1.) If you were a crappy parent, then no one will want you around: instant karma. 2.) And that is a warning that younger people should try to be the best parents they can!

If no one "deserves" to be put in the old peoples home, equally no one "deserves" to be a slave to difficult and maybe nasty IL/ parents. It is reciprocal.

My IL live with us. They are generally nice people. But they are very DIFFICULT to deal with because of their own problems. And like anyone with problems they are self involved and selfish.

But if they turn NASTY, then they have to go. As long as they are at least trying to get along with us, we will try for them.

Just because you were a parent doesn't give anyone license to brutalize your children or DIL/ SILs.

Peace,
A