Stay Separated ? or get together ?

Lily · Nov 30, 2007

Hello friends ...
I had written abt my problem in this forum long time back and got some nice advice from some nice ppl here.Again I am in need of advice .My problem is my MIL and my husband who is obsessed with his family.At one point of time things between
us went to far that I felt that he is abusing me emotionally and little physiccaly.And when he didnt treat me or my family memeber respectfully.
I got so fed up that I suggested that we both get separated.

So we are separated for a year now.we tried living together again for a month ...but things went very bad again. Basically I feel the problem is because my hubby doesnt like to work.He wants to setup a business that too with his relatives and needs me to help him out.I refused because I felt he lacks perseverance. I have completely lost the trust in him.I feel all he wants to do in life is to sit with his mom and sister
and chat all the while. In our 3 yrs of marriage , never a day did I feel like a bride or a wife.I felt like i was just a wife for namesake.I started concentrating more on my office than in household things.
After separation I became very independent .i felt has if I had been released from a jail.But I was feeling kind of empty in life.I love kids now the thought I will never have kids is really killing me.But the hardest part is I never cry..looks like all my tears have been dried up.

Now my husband wants to get together again with me in life.He is saying that at any cost when we return back to india I have to stay with his parents
and till the time we are in US ,he will setup a business along with his relatives and work with them.I have to adjust to them.And in return , he promises of being more caring and affectionateMany thing have gone through between me and his relatives that I really dont feel like talking to them.I hate them to core and i dont want to live with them when we go back to india.And I am not sure of this business idea of his too.I feel it is another way of him visting his realtives every day.And I cant imagine my life when i move closer to them as he says.But time may change I am not sure whether I will have the same hatred towrds them after few year ..or will it gorow more ? I am not sureHe wants me to be friends with his family ..in the sense I have to call them up often and act friendly ...invite them over often ....at any cost he is not willing to stay with me if I dont get together with his family
Me on other hand ...i dont mind if he is friendly with my family or not ...I feel it is both of us which matters in life more than my parents and his.But he doesnt share same idea and the worst things is he expects my family to be very friendly with his family ..esp his mother.My family has been insulted by his mom a lot of times and they r not willing for this ...they have totally lost the trust and respect for him.How can i force them to do things they dont want to ?He saying girls parents should alwys respect guy's parents ..no matter what ...I beleive in mustual respect...

All my friends and relatives are saying not to beleive him .
I dont know what to do ...he promises to be caring ..other than that no compromise.whereas i have to compromise a lot of things
Sometimes I feel is it really worth it ?I am now used to living alone ...i dont want to get hurt again ...I cant take any more of that pain again
right now even though i am not happy ...atleast i am peaceful.
few of my friends are saying that he is immature and to wait till he setlles in his life....so that he becomes practical and see the real world other than the world his mom built.I know my husbnad is very short tempered and nothing other than his parents matters most to him.He doesnt even care abt money ..he doesnt earn but spends lavishly.And his parents spoil him more...
Now my husband is saying that he will see to that his mom behaves well ...and he has promised this in past but it never works ..my MIl is a very dominating person and cares abt nothing other than her happiness.

Ladies pls help me out ..i am not sure what to do ...
Can I trust this kind of person ? Is it really worth going thorugh all the insults from my in-laws for a sake of person who promises to be caring ?
Pls advise...i am really wating for your replies...

Thanks!

Ria2006 · Dec 1, 2007

First of all, I dont think your husband is ready to reconcile.
A person willing to reconcile never state "AT ANY COST" conditions.
If I were you, I would opt out of such marriage and such person. Since you had already gone through lots and you are at peace, if not happy. I would choose peace than such unrest. If the guy was worth it, I would do anything to keep him. But not such a guy, who after staying away for one year is also doing bargain of respects and conditions.

Show him the Door. Open your life to new opportunities. Just dont feed on past. If someone has proved to be unworthy repeated times. Chances are they are really unworthy. Let go of past and start afresh.

I would compare it with a death, when someone dear to us dies, we as Hindu, we burn their remains in reality and also in memory. We also scatter AWAY THE ASHES. We dont hold on to ashes either. Because unless you let go of the past, your present gets stagnant.
So I would say this relation with your husband seems "dead" to me. Why are you even allowing him to dictate his conditions. Tell Him BOSS YOU GOTTO GO.
No more left for you.

Lily · Dec 1, 2007

wow ria ...beleive it or not ...i was reading u r response in other thread was navigating to this thread to see if I got any response ....I was thinking it will be good if ria can give me a suggestion ...beocs seriously u approach problems practically ...u must be a great Home maker ....

Thanks for your time and advice !

Ria2006 · Dec 1, 2007

:hatsoff

Thank You. My pleasure. If i could be of any help to you.
I just think You have had enough of it. All you need is new start of your life and soon things will fall in place.
Sometimes God doesnot seem to care for us. It seems like He is giving us too many hardships. We complain WHY ME. But at the same time, there is adage, "Strongest Steel has to go through highest temperature". So I guess its just your testing time. This too shall pass.

best wishes
Ria

Ria2006 · Dec 1, 2007

and one more suggestion, Never loose hope. If God willing , You will have kids and family soon.
Just look at Farah khan (famouse choreographer from Bollywood) Till 2-3 years back , people would have written her off on personal front. That she is 39 years old, who will marry her and forget about the kids. she is married now and due with not one but TRIPLETS. and she is 43 years old. I am sure its just god's way of blessing her.
So hav faith and be hopeful. God does help and he does listen.