Brother and his wife.....devils!!!!

Some people just love to hang on to past happenings and thrive in the past.
Amnice, your SIL is one such person.

She must have been hurt unknowingly by some/all family members since each one's upbringing is different and once any girl gets married she enters a completely new territory with total strangers and is expected to adjust in it.
In the process there may be multiple misunderstandings and misinterpretations which may have caused initial rupture in the relationships.

But, as time passes it is only wise for any woman to move on and let go some initial hicuups.
If she doesnt then yeah, she ends up typically like OP's SIL who hangs on to past even though she is married over a decade now. Soon, people will have had enough of this drama and ignore such foolishness.
Ultimately, she is the victim of her own thinking.

I am really tempted to ask such woman few questions.

What about your differences with your hubby that lead to some unhappiness in the initial years of marriage??

Do you hang on to it till your last breath or you compromise with the situation over a period of time and move on?

If you can do that with your hubby then why not with his family members too, whom you do not meet that often atleast not as much as your hubby whom you live with 24/7 ??

Is it because once married you just cannot do without your hubby, be it for your own physical, social or financial needs??

Just because you do not need your inlaws for any of your above given needs so you choose to hang onto the past thereby giving a devilish picture of your inlaws side just to satisfy your ego???

 

looks like both SIL are devils, your DH sister and brothers wife according to your other post.

 

ABout the incident you referred here...who knows when your brother went to visit your parents might be your parents were in ok state...might be things got to worse by the time your husband went there.....might be as your parents know your SILs nature, they didnt want to go with your brother so might be they just shooed off your brother n SIL and told them no no we are doing ok.....we go to someones house only if we feel comfortable isnt it??

Also why cant we give your SIL right to choose whether she wants to forgive someone or not??? just like the way you cant forgive or forget what happened in the past...(now dont say that you forgot ande you tried to patch up...if you forgot what all was said n done, you would never brand them as DEVILs)

Forgiving n forgetting has to come from heart...not forced...also every person has the right to choose who they want to be close to and who they want to keep at arm length distance...

One thing is very evident these days....if you make a mistake and say sorry people have to forgive you and patch up immediately...but if other person genuinely doesnt want to mingle with us...we cant even take it sportively.....your SIL doesnt want to be on talking terms with you guys....she wants you all to be distant from her....good / bad....why cant we all leave it that way..why force her? push her? and say she is nasty?? she may notbe as broad minded as youa re...she may not be big hearted as you are...she may not be a nice person over all.....inspite of all this...do we still want to haev contact with such not so nice persons?? I dont think so...and no matter how much ever dissection we do over this topic, it would just make you go over n over and dig past rather than help you in anyways......your SIL is not going to read all this isnt it?? even if she reads...all this would make her super angry rather than understanding....right??

Be at peace!!! no need to dig past...let begones be begones....if you keep looking back..might be some day you might miss signals of your SIL giving you a friendly handshake.

 

Amnice, I am not a doctor and I could be wrong but wheezing due to cold weather or cough are not so serious conditions that a person cannot perform their day to day activities. Anyways, you would know better. Your brother visited them and probably didn't think their condition was so bad or may be he thought their condition was bad but expected you to take care of them since you are emotionally more attached to them and his wife has so many problems with your parents. He didn't inform you probably because he must have found it inappropriate or must have thought you would force him to take them.
What I cannot understand is why you are so upset about it. because you live 4 kms further than him? because you are a daughter and he is a son? because daughters shouldn't be having to take care of parents?
You have loving parents and a devoted husband. Why can't you just be happy with your life? Why unnecessarily mull over the brother and SIL, who don't care about you? If you don't want to take care of your parents, just say it clearly. What is it that you want exactly?

 

You can understand this as a daughter but basically there is no logic to this. Even if they didn't want to live in your house, they could have called you to their home for help.
About brother and SIL using you. They used you because you let them use you. Like you described in the incident when you helped your SIL during her pregnancy- it was your mother who asked you to help your SIL. Your SIL never asked you to come. So, how can you blame the SIL? Would you have liked it better if your SIL had asked you not to come. I am sure you would have complained in that case as well. I also wonder how could your mother thought it to be alright to ask you to help her DIL but not alright to help her own parents when in need.
I will say this again, you have everything that you need to be happy. Do whatever you can for your parents. You are fortunate to be in good position to look after your parents however and whenever you can, if you want to. Don't spoil your own happiness by thinking about how your brother and SIL are treating you and your parents.

 

I dont understand this . If it is your own SIL who is behaving like this with your parents, will you talk like this? Even if you take out the equation of son and daughter, it is perfectly natural for a sibling to get angry for indifferent behaviour like this regarding parents. They are aged and vulnerable and helping them is our duty. When we talk of westernized concepts like independence , self importance let us also remember that their social consciousness is much better than ours and they dont leave their aged like this in the lurch. Lots of them take care of parents , be it daughter or son , and their inheritance is also equal for both. Is the situation the same in India? How many DILs feel that their SIL is also a member of the family with equal rights as their husband? We cannot choose and discard things at our wish..right?

 

Dear amnice,

at the end,all the 5 fingers to the hand are not the same.So expect the people the way they are .And do you best to your parents within your limitations.At the same time,don't expect all the kids would be doing the same thing the way you do.The day,it's not possible for you,just leave the way as it is.
You brother is just a human and he had his own personality.All your kids won't be same.You will know the day they born.So,your parents will handle there own kids.Not all the people lucky to have all the kids who will take care of them.At least your parents are lucky to get a daughter/SNIL like you.So be happy for it.And leave your brother/SIL business to god.

 

I just read this thread in bits and pieces. My opinion on things:

1. Reg forgetting and forgiving: its easy for the person on the giving end to say this. But as someone who was on the recieving end, taking BS from my MIL and SIL??? I know what it takes to forget things. The rift they created in our marriage has completely changed the dynamics of my relationship with my DH. The BS MIL gave me was partially responsible for my stress during preg resulting in a premature baby. I had to take professional counselling to get out of the mental mess they left me in. Do you think I can easily forget and forgive with a sorry ?

2. I dont think the OPs statement 'from day1 my brothers wife looked at us with negative mindset' is completely right. Perhaps thats your perspective OP. Any girl getting married into a family will want to be friends with them, will want to have a happy married life. I am almost certian there will be more things if your brothers wife speaks. You/your parents were perhaps bad to her because of your insecurites and possessiveness about your brother? She perhaps started looking at you like that based on your past behaviour/intentions??

3. About your brother and SIL leaving your parents when they were sick. No matter what, a son can never leave his parents in a bad state and leave like that. Even if your SIL wanted to leave, he would have offered to stay back. So I think you are perhaps 'imagining' too much...or perhaps as someone said here, they got worse later on...

Sorry to bluntly refute what you said. But my SIL could have easily written things like this about us. But only we know how they tried to manipulate our relationship, how they exploited my problems, how they tried to kick me out of my own life.... yep, my SIL too said sorry. but what? you just make a mess out of someones life and say sorry and expect to get away with it? and yes, I am not going to turn up to help them when they need me and I am sure my SIL will end up writng about me here. Who cares? Atleast, i'll be human (unlike them) to not make their situation worse.

Amnice, the situation I imagined can be entirely wrong. All I wrote is entirely based on my experience. If you think it was all wrong, I am sorry. But if somewhere deep down you connect to it, please think, they are perhaps not devils. You all perhaps chased them too far away from you by your actions in the past.