Brother and his wife.....devils!!!!

amnice,

Based on the tea incident, I would say your SIL is a drama queen! she doesn't have to make such a big scene for such a small thing..She is not in high school anymore! Why would she lash out at all of you just because you couldn't drink tea twice in the span of 2 hours! and anyways who requires "company" for tea :bonk

Based on other incidents you related, she is the one with the problem. Even if something is not right between her and your brother, she cannot and should not take it up with you guys. you seem to have been very close with your brother, that is why you are pained to see your brother do nothing in the "drama" situations. I don't understand what these sensitive people think! If they are so sensitive, don't they sense that they are creating a lot of problems to everyone around. She is not a nutcase for all of you to walk on eggshells around her...she is just super sensitive! :crazy

I think you should just limit your interactions with them. i know it's difficult to behave like that with our family members but sometimes, we are left with no choice.

 

Why is it everyone complains and get worked up for minor issues about SIL, rarely we hear complaints about soninlaws or brother inlaw except if they are major complaints like cheating, abuse etc. They have no obligation towards PILs or SIL. Men do not have to care about their inlaws if women do the same they are labelled as devils etc. Mans inlaws do help his family, he does not have to reciprocate, it is considered as they are helping their daughter rather than SON inlaw and his family.

 

OMG, OMG, OMG Can't believe someone said that.
I am facing this drama everyday in my home. My MIL wants to have tea in the evening but she won't have it alone(I am not a tea person). My DH comes home late. She has tea and snacks at about 7.00 that pushes our dinner to 8.00-8.30. My DH completely understands that his mother cannot have tea alone.:crazy
However, sometimes he comes even later, say past 9.00, O'clock; on those days, she wants to force me to have tea with her. But, no matter what, she won't have it alone. Also once in a blue moon, if she has made tea, and I and DH are doing something or talking, she will keep yelling until he goes and has his tea first, exactly like OP's SIL.

 

I think to get an answer to this we need to consider the Indian family set up when it was solely a joint family.
Those days once the daughter is married off, it was said she belonged to a different family. That does not mean she cut off all ties with her parental family but it means she assimilates more into the married family and considers that her own family. The daughter used to come home for deliveries and such things since mom is the best person to be with during that time, which everyone agreed to.
Also, since the man in the family was the head of the family, and had the major responsibility towards his own family so he was not expected to do much for his wife's family.
Mans inlaws used to help his family especially during the time when the women needed for pregnancy and deliveries. Other times SNIL is just a guest and was treated so. Usually, any family secrets/property matters etc, were not shared even with the daughter as there was a fear it would be passed on to SNIL.
Though they extended help to the daughter but the daughter was always considered a guest once married.
And the DIL was considered a member of the family and hence much expectation was from DIL and not daughter or her husband. Over a period of time the DIL knew more about the daughters parental family matters than the daughter.

The principle being...............You can play only one role at a time, at one place and that was how this whole set up was.

Now, we can go on and on debating reams and reams, whether it was/is right or wrong, but ultimately one thing to remember is those days the society was agricultural society and another factor the women were not as independent as today.
Over time, everything degrades and thats what happened to the joint family system too.

Lot of traditions are not relevant to the present day since urbanisation and nuclear families, but it takes a hell lot of time for people to change and I think things have just started to change.

 

I agree that being younger usually people doubt your capability and give you second place in any matter.
My youngest SIL hardly considers herself as a member of the family she is married into. Any responsibility is taken up by my elder SIL and my 2nd SIL.
My parents live peacefully with my elder brother and often visit my 2nd brother. They are fine at both places. It is when they go over to my 3rd brother which they have stopped now, their life becomes hell.

On top of all this, she ie., younger SIL, talks as though she needs to be given a special place. And add to that is her harsh tongue.
Who else can support such a woman than a totally henpecked hubby??

 

:biglaugh I didn't know what a ritual tea drinking is!! I apologize

I just cannot drink or eat when I don't want to....all this bravado is only because now I am an adult :coffee

When i was a kid, my mom would rule over us and make us drink Maltova/Horlicks twice a day...i still remember that trauma :crazy (but of course that was for our good health)

feel sorry you have to go through it every day!!

 

amnice,

I know the adjustments one has to make for one's brothers sometimes. My SIL and bro are both younger to me, and none of us interfere in their matters. My bro loves us , we know that, but still his behavior is so difficult sometimes when his wife is around. Its almost as if he has to prove to her that his word is taken seriously in our house and due importance is given to them. I dont understand this complex bcos even we are married and have our own lives and we dont demand any special attentions to our husbands too. There is this feeling of entitlement which I see in my SIL sometimes, and due to this , ofcourse she does a lot of work too in the house. Its like it is her house and we all have to listen to her there, even if we all have our own houses and it is basically my parents' house.

I used to flare up sometimes internally, but now I take it as a case of insecurity. I know my bro loves us even through this irritating behaviour so that makes it easy for me to forgive them. We can only pray that once they have a son and a daughter, they will see that there is nothing less in being a daughter...they are equal to parents..irrespective of what the spouse expects.

 

AMNICE,

I have been reading - interesting views you have gotten from responders.

But I have to ask you a few things:

What is the outcome that you want/expect? How do you want this to happen?

Do you want SIL to apologize? Do you want your brother to visit and spend time with you guys w/o SIL? Do you need to vent to her?

I know this is tough situation. 14 years is a long time - a lot of "stuff" can happen in this much time. But there's got to be an outcome you want.