feeling lonely

3na · May 9, 2011

hello,
hw is everyone doing? I am married for a year, I am 26 yrs old and i am have lots post marital problems. Please read my problems and give me a solution as to what to do.

1. My first problem is my DH. ours is arranged mariage and i saw him only a week before marriage in person(he was in US). He is not a jolly person. he took 2 months to say ok and even after engagement he calls me once in 15 days and tlk only for 10-15 mins.
After marriage we moved to US. In the beginning I was just a invisible matter. He never takes me out. He was doing a business apart from work. so when it comes to me or business, he always chooses the later part and i will always be left alone.
I took up courage and asked him one day and things got worse and he hit me wildly.i was not even able to lift my hands for a week. My DH doesnt want to spend on me. when i ask for something he always tells me one story or the other to avoid it.but when it comes to in laws its the other way round.

2. My second problem is my MIL. when i tld her that my husband is hitting me she is telling me that "its all ur fate and you have to get along with it".

3. Third is my SIL. She is so dominating that when we get ready for a function she is the one who decides what dress i shud wear, she commands me from India.

I need all ur suggestions to make my husband stop hitting me and start loving me. I dnt want to tell this to my parents. pleas help me..

billybob · May 9, 2011

Give him a warning, next time he hits you call cops, once he is charged for domestic violence and found guilty, if he is not a citizen he can be in trouble with immigration authorities. With men like that women cannot have it both ways.

sheel · May 9, 2011

You simply should not take beating..If he is being physical with you..better you speak up..your MIL might be knowing his nature..thats why she saying its your fate.Better give him a warning.Do you have any relatives in US?

manjubashini · May 9, 2011

Dont never allow him to beat. It should be a big no for it. Warn him if he does. Try find some job if possible. Dont be dependent. Dont allow ur mil to interfere in ur problems they ll never support u. Inspite they may say some bad about u to ur dh. Make some friends around so u may be safe.

rgds
manjusai

Preet82 · May 9, 2011

I agree with Billybob,warn him and if he still continues call the cops.I guess complaining him to your MIL is useless.But about your SIL,you can take a stand and say no to her if she commands you.Stand up for yourself dear.it will start making a difference the way people treat you.

satchitananda · May 9, 2011

3na said: ↑

1. My first problem is my DH. ours is arranged mariage and i saw him only a week before marriage in person(he was in US). He is not a jolly person. he took 2 months to say ok and even after engagement he calls me once in 15 days and tlk only for 10-15 mins.

I know it is futile now to ask questions like why did you go ahead if you were uncomfortable with the situation then. The deed is already done. But I do hope other single people intending to get into marriage take the cue from here and refuse to get married if they are uncomfortable with the person even to the mildest extent.

After marriage we moved to US. In the beginning I was just a invisible matter. He never takes me out. He was doing a business apart from work. so when it comes to me or business, he always chooses the later part and i will always be left alone.
I took up courage and asked him one day and things got worse and he hit me wildly.i was not even able to lift my hands for a week. My DH doesnt want to spend on me. when i ask for something he always tells me one story or the other to avoid it.but when it comes to in laws its the other way round.

Are you working? If you are not, you are fully entitled to be supported financially by your husband (I am sure in that case you must be on a dependent visa and he must have got that visa for you on the understanding that he will be supporting you financially, as you are his wife. If he refuses to give you money for your needs, you could complain to the relevant authorities - who that should be can be suggested by our NRI friends here who are more familiar with the system - and make sure that he toes the line.

2. My second problem is my MIL. when i tld her that my husband is hitting me she is telling me that "its all ur fate and you have to get along with it".

Very convenient excuse. No one is obliged to take any physical battery under any circumstances. Warn your husband that if he lifts his hand on you one more time, you will call 911. And put your threat inot action, next time he hits you. If you don't, and keep quiet then, he will think that these are empty threats and this violence will never stop.

3. Third is my SIL. She is so dominating that when we get ready for a function she is the one who decides what dress i shud wear, she commands me from India.

This is one thing I fail to understand. How do ILs run anyone's lives from so many miles away. Your sil can give you 100 suggestions or 1000 "orders". But you are not obliged to carry them out. Wear what you want and go. As though she is sitting there to check what you wore and what you didn't? Be firm. Take your life in your hands and don't let everyone bully you. People bully only those who allow themselves to be bullied.

I need all ur suggestions to make my husband stop hitting me and start loving me. I dnt want to tell this to my parents. pleas help me.my in laws are visiting me ad am sure i will be left alone by the three of them. kindly let me know how to manage them.

Well, we can suggest how to stop him hitting you. But we cannot tell you how to make him love you, simply because love is not something that can be forced in another person. At best you could try to be nice to him and see if he responds. As for your not telling your parents, this the very cause of giving your ILs and husband the courage to continue their bad behaviour. There is no one to question them and they think they can run your life for you according to their whims and fancies. It is high time you talk to them and tell them what is happening. They will be able to help you deal with the problem and give you some moral support. Remember they were responsible for this marriage (and it was probably due to pressure from them, or because you did not want to hurt them that you went ahead with a marriage with a person who you were uncomfortable with in the first place). So they certainly need to know about this. People here can at the most give you suggestions, but actual support has to come from your parents. Do this before your pil land up at your place.
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I wish you all the best and hope things improve soon. If they don't, be prepared mentally to take some difficult decisions in life.

sadwife · May 9, 2011

3na said: ↑

2. My second problem is my MIL. when i tld her that my husband is hitting me she is telling me that "its all ur fate and you have to get along with it".
Click to expand...

Next time your husband hits you hand him over to the cops and when your MIL asks why you did that, tell her "it's his fate and it's very clear that he needs to pay back for his violence!!!!" :rant

mildew · May 12, 2011

I totally agree with SadWife. please call the cops. I don't suggest warning him about it, because of his temper. If at your discussion with him he can flare up...imagine his reaction if you threaten him.

Physical Abuse is a NO NO at any cost. Your fate is what you make of it....don't let your husband ill-treat you like this.

Tell your parents. They should know what is happening. They will support you. Marriage is a mutual effort, it never works in a one-sided way. You are young, you don't have kids .....you can move on easily.

Please don't go through so much trauma. A person who doesn't have time for you in your honeymoon phase, can't communicate with his wife and is physically abusive ..is honestly not worth you tears or your love.

Stop trying to understand him, and let him know you are a strong person, and let him try and understand you.

Any amount of work pressure/ issues do not give any one the right to hurt you emotionally or physically. Please respect yourself.

I understand that at times even parents are unable to support, and if that is your fear...please find that inner strength in you to stand up for yourself.

Please please be strong and we are all here for your support.

ArchanaP · May 12, 2011

3na said: ↑

I need all ur suggestions to make my husband stop hitting me and start loving me. I dnt want to tell this to my parents. pleas help me..
Click to expand...

Well, we can suggest how to make him stop hitting you. All you need to do is pick up the phone and call 911. They will teach him some civility.

Please, inform your parents about what is happening before it's too late. Believe me you will be glad that you did. Never hide such trivial issue from parents/siblings/friends/relatives and last but not the least law.

flowerlady · May 12, 2011

Dear 3na,
First of all learn to respect yourself, if you agree to be bullied people will bully you.

No girl will obey her SILs orders on her dress . Wear the dress of your choice , if she questions then make excuse that her choice was not ironed etc . etc.Soon she will get the message that you dont want her help.
Say NO to domestic voilence , otherwise it will become a habit with your H to vent his frustrations on you.
Your MIL and inlaws will not help you in this matter ever.
Hope you have informed your parents and siblings about D V , if not then do so at the earliest.
Also be a bit bold, speak out and tell hubby that next time he raises his hand you will call police .
There had been some hesitation from your DHs side at the time of fixing the marriage , that should have set the alarm bells ringing, but US has immense attraction for many.
Hope he really has a side business and not something else .
After marriage a girl is on her own , she has to become self-reliant and independent.

Learn to standup for yourself and stop being a doormat , nobody loves a doormat.

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