JOINT FAMILY- YES or NO?

And some will have good experience, and some will have bad experiences. Since each person has a different situation.

The one with bad experience is going to tell you - "Dont ever make the mistake of Joint family" and vice-versa for a person with good experience. I am saying - Dont get influenced by either, look at your situation and you and your hubby are the best ones to know it.

 

hi,

I may become a mother in law in few years. ( hoping and praying for that).

When we got married in Madras, we lived only for few months with my inlaws. Then we moved out. After couple of years alter I had to move back of my ill health. They were nice. But it is not your own home. I had to adjust a lot. They took care of me like a daughter. Even though we had slight misunderstandings.

Now, they are no more. One of my sons asked me if it is possible to live like India here. He would like marry and live with me. Both of my sons came to this country when they were very young. Very independent. But both like to visit us often.

My husband was very happy to hear their suggestion. But not me. I don't think I can handle the families and children again. I need to have my life.

May be your MIL may not want to live in a joint family. When we get older, it is hard to take care of the children. Now we have cook, maid problems. Not like before. I have a lots of families and friends my age in Inda who opt to live separately. They don't want to take care of the kids everyday. it is a lot of work.

So discuss with your DH before you ask them to live with you. Or get 3 flats like the one of the member suggested. That is a great idea too.

Good luck.
CL

 

Before marrying and moving in with our husbands, we think whether it will be a good match. Whether the two personalities can get along well and live in harmony. Well, I think the same should be done with inlaws when considering the joint family system. If your inlaws wake up early and you wake up late, will that be ok? Or will one expect the other to change their ways? I feel in a joint family, the elders have to understand that 'the children' are actually full grown adults capable of making their own decisions, including what time to wake up and what time to eat. Also, the son and dil have to adjust a little in accomdating elders life style which could include having to eat at a certain time or go to sleep early.

I feel joint family works best when everyone feels it's 'our' home. If inlaws think it's THEIR home and dil is a guest, or if dil feels her mil is a 'has been' who needs to fade into the shadows, then it wont work happily.

You should judge whether you AND your inlaws are willing to do what it takes to respect each other. If they cant respect you, or vice versa, it will be hard to live in a joint family with them. That's why there's no one size fits all answer as to whether joint family is good or not. Depending on the people involved, it could be good or bad. And that's why you need to evaluate for yourself whether or not it's right for your family.

 

Hi Rajshree

I have read.your post and replies. I think the idea of buying apartments code would be a better idea. I was in a similar situation like you only that my Bil and sil r yet to join us when they get their rights. I am very stressed with living together. I have a 5 yr old boy and 16 month old girl and they do help with the chores too but let me tell you one thing that no matter how big or small your apartment is you will see every one looking for privacy and space. and this will make life stressful.

my Mil has made my life hell and now I am a prisoner in my own house.
we all need our family from time to time but that does not mean only living together makes it possible.

good luck. decision is joint end of day but I personally do not support joint family. I was more better with the relationship with my inlaws while they were away. staying together has made it more apart.

 

Rajshree,
Relationships with the extended famil is fine and cordial as long as there is space(physical and otherwise) but if you feel you may get the feeling of being controlled or monitored(usually it does happen ) better have a frank talk with your husband and plan for a nuclear family.

If you think Ils may give a hand in baby sitting -then you are expecting out of the move and you have to give up some other priorities.

If you later find the atmosphere oppresive and difficult-tempers are bound to fray and arguments may result-and this may be bad for you as well as your children-better live at an arms length and keep relationship fine even if it means a bit of difficultyfor schooling kids and less savings .
You can definitely opt for 3 apts in the same building-that means no compromise in togetherness as well as personal spaces.

 

I have not read the thread completely.By reading the title itself,I would say a big NO.I have myself suffered for 5 yrs

 

Based on the points you laid out and given my temperament levels, I will stay in a nuclear family with my husband and children and will visit each set of parents during the weekends, that way children would not miss their grandparents.

Agreeing with what SP mentioned, this is what I would do, because I can compromise on anything, but not my freedom, but again, I know my limits.

 

Hi Rajshree,

I would suggest no for the joint family, becoz now a days, everyone wants to live their own life.If u can able to adjust with every thing u can prefer.
Otherwise please be bold to say no, before u get into trouble.Once there comes trouble, that totally destroys the family bonding and relationship.
Even u n ur DH may need to quarrel ,u cannot be independent, u cannot do or buy anything for kids by own, u need to take their approvals or suggestions.
If not means that will create a mess.

U be confident about the situation, may be u really knows about everyones character n behavior.And decide urself.
In my opinion , no way the joint family will help u.


Always
Renu