Fights every day...Is there hope?

hello annymous,

you seemed to have picked up most of your attitude from your mum.do you think she was right all along? just see some reason -you can't have your way ,all the time.unfortunately,your spouse doe not seem to be like your dad [you might have expected someone like him] -but, that's the way life is,change your attitude first,he will eventually change his.all couple fight-that's definately not the END.

 

hello anonymous
Life is not full bed of roses. thorns are there we have to pluck the roses without being pinched by the thorns. U can explain ur needs and thinkings to ur husband when ever ur close to him. he ll understand the soft lang. never try to implement something which we all ever like so try some honey coatd words that may work. leave the ego and all the life is so long to live ego can be broken in a minute when we think of our true love. These are my own experiences because i am a single child to my parents then see how i may be brought up. But when i got married the things were totally different. Only goal should to protect the relationship, breaking is simple. Take this advise if u dont mistake me have a baby it brings a lot of difference in life. two of ur views and ideas ll end up good in ur baby ok take care bye

 

Hi
First of all I would like to appreciate the way you have written the post . You have pointed out your negatives also, because in this forum advice can be given only on the way the OP has projected herself.

Also your answer lies within you only. You know your negative qualities. You HAVE to work on them. At the same time your husband also has to bring some changes. He cannot tell you not to watch T. V when he himself is in front of laptop .

You and your husband can have a calm chat about the whole issue and you can explain to him about your basic nature and that you need his help to overcome your shortcomings. Trust me , he will feel more wanted. Alos compromise is necessary for every marriage but from both the partners involved. But don't try on reiterating this fact to him. Slowly and surely he will understand it, when he sees some changes in you.
You don't have to change your basic nature but a few shortcomings here and there.
You both love each other , that is for sure. Don't seperate for this reason, it's really not worth it.
After a couple of months when you see some changed in your relationship , you both can have a talk and try for a baby.

 

Hi,
It's easy to consider about divorce, separation and what not when we feel totally lost and confused in our relationship. I would suggest you two to go on a vacation. Just the two of you. Don't think about work, family , daily chores etc....have a heart to heart conversation.

 

You think the changes expected are the core of what makes it you, but I'd also point out, that change is the way of life. You're never the same person you were a couple years ago, is it really that hard to change if its going to make or break your marriage?

I'm thinking part of your resistance to change comes just because it is something demanded of you, and your my way or highway attitude just rears its head when you try to do change and give in for him. Step out of yourself for a bit, and just do it. Stop keeping score with your husband (as insane as this advise sounds), try it... that might be your only chance.

You can choose to be what you want to be every single day. To your immense credit, you seem to know the precise problems, if you want some advise, here it is: please stop defending what you think are your shortcomings, and just get to work on it. You seem like an intelligent person, you need to however give yourself a swift kick in the butt, and get to work on yourself. I'm saying get to work on yourself, because really, in a relationship, you can only change yourself, and lead by example, not expect change to come in via nagging or fighting.

He's probably doing that just to spite you. That's kinda his way of controlling what happens next. Can you do something else to relax? Why does he hate you watching TV? Does he feel ignored or want more "together time"? Can you come to a compromise of "x-hours of unwinding TV time for me" and then that's it?

Get him a little puppy :rotfl!

Seriously, he needs to grow up. Whatever does that mean? Can't he come to you when he needs to?!

Can't you try being a little more sensitive and keep note of things that set him off? I mean it can't be that difficult? Ideally, he'd just tell you if something pissed you off and let it be, but since we're not talking ideal here, to keep the peace, you're going to have to keep note of what did piss him off the last time, and just make an effort to be a little more sensitive to things that probably set him off. Once he sees you making an effort, or once he's calmer, tell him how hard you're trying, and if he's sensible, he will appreciate the effort and hopefully things will get back on track.

That's really mean of him. Why do you not have any friends close to where you are? It takes its toll when you're entirely focused on the spouse with no other outlets like friends and family... that must be hard!

About separating, its really your call. Its your life, but reading your post, I just think these aren't insurmountable differences if you resolve to put your togetherness at the top of everything else. Maybe you guys need to give yourself a couple months, go all out, and try to make things work. Do this with all honesty to yourself and each other without getting caught up in keeping score or the egoistic stuff in the past or anything else. See if counseling will help. If things still don't work, maybe its time to find your own happiness?

NO NO NO NO and a big NO. Kids aren't meant to fill voids in our lives. Please don't even venture down that lane unless you have a rock stable relationship.

You both seem like good people, but just tend to push all the wrong buttons for each other. The funny thing is, you both seem to know precisely what to do to drive the other up the wall, and I am not quite sure why you are doing that knowingly. I wish you harmony and peace.

 

That sounds like a very bittersweet relationship. To answer your question- YES, I think there is hope because, even after the bumpy ride, you still feel he is a good person and that you miss him when he is away (how cute!). It sounds like you guys are having a tough time transitioning from singledom to marriage-hood (yes, MARRIAGE-HOOD!). And things have not changed even into fourth year because that's how you started and never gave it rest (and have gotten so used to it that, now, neither of you know any better). Both of you just want to continue doing the same things that you did before marriage - in utter disregard to the other. It sounds like both of you are very individualistic people* and trying to work your way thru marriage with this individualistic attitude*. Marriage is not an individualistic institution and will not survive with the kind of outlook on life that you have. You need to nurture it. You may stay married to each other, but you will always have this void (which you're already experiencing) and will be left feeling very unfulfilled.

For now I suggest, keep doing the things that both of you do to bring instant gratification to fill the void in your lives (TV/laptop), but if you are really serious about making things better, you might gradually want to start taking some baby steps:

ok, first things first- you need to come to terms with the fact that you're MARRIED (for 4 years already!). A lot of people have a hard time finding a decent spouse -so it's 'bout time for both of you to wake up and SMELL THE ACHAR.



I suggest you buy gifts for each other, if you don't already. You said you're a practical person who finds it hard to be lovey-dovey. If you're finding it hard to say I-love-you or even harder to give him a hug, then you should buy him a card that does the job on your behalf:



In the blank you could just fill in- I love you more than I love the TV. Buy him an IPAD. He will be dumbfounded and might eventually give up his laptop addiction.

Make new friends where you live. I am sure your hubby knows a few guys who are married. You both could have them over, and see how they interact with eachother. We know this really bubblicious couple who laugh at the drop of the hat and incessantly pick on each other (all in good fun). It's good to around such people and be PURPOSELY influenced by them.

Indeed. You guys need some real challenges in your life -like raising a kid. umm, so get busy? In the meantime, to stop him from misconstruing things you're doing/saying, you should purposely misconstrue things he says or does too and maybe throw a tantrum and have a Britney Spears-type-meltdown (in your bedroom, ofcourse). One day it will just click. Also, theres something about a desperately helpless and vulnerable women - men are attracted to them and like to help them. Make him feel like you are a needy person, completely dependant on him. But in your heart, stay the headstrong woman you like to be- in front of him just pretend that you are not -- kinda like talk the talk, but don't walk the walk. Work his personality to your advantage. He seems like a sensitive person and will surely be taken in by you. I'm sorry if my advice sounds unethical, but as long as there is no crime being committed and you're not backstabbing your husband, it's all good. Desperate times call for desperate measures :queen

I do not see your current situation as being hopeless. I don't think you need to think about divorce yet. If, however, you do go down that route and find someone new, keep in mind that, knowing how you are you will most likely find yourself in a similar situation again. There is no guarantee that your new spouse will be head-over-heels for you.

I apologize if your eyes hurt after reading this post. I should probably just have said Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle [FONT=times new roman,serif]and called it a day.[/FONT]


*please don't take it personally.

 

Kids wont solve problems....rather their responsibility might overwhelm such rocking relationship like yours and might even break the marriage or whatever is left b/w you and your husband...

Also when youa re pregnant you need lots of support, love and caring and no abuse...but if you/your husband cant let go and forgive and forget things and bring up every fight and make things more uglier..whats the point in wanting to get pregnant?? it would be more emotionally break you down rather than make you feel any better....


Most important thing you and your husband has to do is...go to marriage counsellor or therapist..learn what you like both and what you dont like in each o ther and work towards coexisting and sharing and loving each other as who each of you are....just like you he might have picked those habits of getting or dragging fights to nasty ugly battles..

so better talk to him and suggest going for marital therapy so that this wont break either of you down.

If you want to know what may happen if you still live like this and end up having a kid??? read through several such threads as to how husbands behave or what wife goes through after having a kid in a bad marriage.

 

Hi anonymous,
i agree with srividya,pls dont think of kids as a bridge between both of you.Or to that they will make you occupied so that you will have less fights.Raising kids is a ver responsible job...and at the same time requires lot of strength.(Both emotionally and physically)And stressful too.When you are sure to have a strong bond between you go for kids otherwise pls wait until you resolve the issues.Dont involove kids in already complicated relationship.