Please advice me..

giji · Apr 10, 2011

sweetanju4uu said: ↑

But, that is something which she has to handle and your DH should help her out. It is his responsibility.
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she never thinks that she is the one who has to handle that at first place. fil and mil deal this issue in harsh way. And finally mil comes to dh to sort out the issue. One day dh told mil to correct something and fil also change more and more. mil felt bad and told how come dh can tell her to correct something. Gents are like this only and also said you guys are blaming me. Finally dh keeps silent and tells fil only to correct his bad habits and attitude towards her. All this thing they keep it as their personal issue and i am not needed to be informed. I don't know what is the ultimate solution for this. fil and mil don't any love between them I guess. But they act as husband and wife in front of society. mil feels that she stayed with him so that her brothers don't get bad name in the society. she blames her brothers in front of dh. she says she went through all this for dh. it is their personal talk which my dh tells me later. I used to ask dh what's going on before? dh told me all this.

After knowing all this I feel like staying away from dh and make him to give justice to mil as she struggled all her life for dh(SIL is not in picture). dh also feels bad for his mother. At the time of mil bypass operation also, mil and fil have silent war. mil called her mother and her mother cried and told mil's brother that mil is not feeling well. So finally her brother came to dh house and took her to city where he lives. I told dh that fil should be involved here. So, dh called fil mobile and asked him to go city. He went to city after 4 days as he didn't get leave untill then in his job. Till then dh maternal uncle took care of mil. When dh called his uncle he expressed his impatience and irritation as he took the responsibility of taking her to hospital. We both left to india when she diagnosed with heart problem.
These family issues are exposed to his maternal uncles. they point their fingers towards dh.

How can I behave normally after knowing all this. Do I need to dedicate my entire to mil as I am married to her son and she struggled for dh? what about my parents who made me to stand on my own legs?

santhusen8 · Apr 10, 2011

apart from thte feeling that you are goddess wat else do you believe

do you hear any thing which others don't , do you smell any thing which others don't , do you see any thing which others don't ,

how is your mood these days you said you are on antidepressant
how is ur sleep , how is ur concentration , how is ur memory ,
ru able to do your regular activities and does that interest you

see your doctor if you have any of those

take some time out of your routine life all the best

gjaya · Apr 11, 2011

I feel you are having too much inner turmoil, you are thinking too much. You are getting too much involved in your MIL & FIL's married life. All you should do is just listen to them & not get disturbed by their marital problems. This is not a healthy situation for you.

Please do not take this lightly, I think instead of asking us suggestions, I feel you need to consult a psychologist who will be prescribe you non-medicated ways to deal with your inner struggles.

sweetanju4uu · Apr 11, 2011

Hi Giji,

Yes, please do not worry about your in-laws issues for now. They have been handling it for all these years and they will handle it for the rest of the years to come. This is a time for you to be selfish. It is alright to be selfish, if the end result is that you and your family have a happy and peaceful life.

Like some of the other IL-ites advice, please tell your doctor about all the abnormal feelings you get and he/she will be able to give you a lighter dose of the anti-depressants or prescribe something else.

Also, is your family dependant on your money? if they are not, why can't you take a break from work? I do agree, that seeing other people will be refreshing. But if you have more time, you can join Yoga classes, spend some time doing activities you like. You can spend time in gardening or taking up some baking classes. All this will be therapeutic.

Try to take some time out for yourself, each day and enjoy it to the fullest. Depression is more common than most people actually think and it is easily treatable, with proper love and care.

Anbhu · Apr 11, 2011

Giji,

You are unnecessarily worrying too much. You have nothing to do with your FIL and MIL marital problems. Not all marriages are smooth in this world. If you see a husband and wife problems in movie what would you do? If you read a husband and wife problem in IL forum what would do? you feel bad for them for some time and then move on to you work. Similarly just listen to your dh and MIL stories and continue and concentrate on your work.

Unlike many DILs in this IL forum your dh, PILs are not troubling you. Feel happy for that.

SallyR · Apr 11, 2011

Hi Giji,
Don't worry about all these issues. Leave it to other to handle them. Now just concentrate on getting better. Mental illness is like physical illness, it can happen to any of us. Just follow your doctors advice and stay positive. God bless!
Regards,

giji · Apr 11, 2011

Anbhu said: ↑

Giji,

Not all marriages are smooth in this world. If you see a husband and wife problems in movie what would you do? If you read a husband and wife problem in IL forum what would do? you feel bad for them for some time and then move on to you work. Similarly just listen to your dh and MIL stories and continue and concentrate on your work.

Unlike many DILs in this IL forum your dh, PILs are not troubling you. Feel happy for that.
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On the night before bypass surgery, mil asked dh to sleep in her room and fil to go relatives house as there is space for two people only in that room. Untill then fil slept in the same room for 4 days. If dh and mil tied up like this then where is the time for mil to consider my personal space with dh. Don't think her issues are her strenghts towards her relation with dh? mil expressed interest to cook for dh when she came to usa? If I allow her to do that..something comes up next..If I obey her for everything then what is the gaurantee that I don't become like my mother though I stood up on own legs?
How much empathy I should have towards my mil's struggles and how much importance should I give to my mother who struggled silently without outsider's notice?
DH family behave normally as though no issues in their family when we gather and at the same time mil expects empathy, respect from me but not pity. At the end I am left to accept her closeness with dh to what ever extent it may be without raising my concern. Sometimes I feel everything dh doing for me is kind of favor. It took years to get the driving license as I never forced him to concentrate my stuff.

@sweetanju4uu I don't have kids. My husband is working. My parents settled. They don't need my money.

giji · Apr 11, 2011

SallyR said: ↑

Hi Giji,
Don't worry about all these issues. Leave it to other to handle them. Now just concentrate on getting better. Mental illness is like physical illness, it can happen to any of us. Just follow your doctors advice and stay positive. God bless!
Regards,
Click to expand...

my mil expects empathy and respect from me. She asked dh to sleep in her room the night before her operation in india and told my fil to go relative's home as there are only two beds in that hospital room. she expressed interest to cook for my dh. My mother also suffered silently a lot due to her mil domination. I want to give my mother importance in my life. Now Do I need to have empathy towards mil and obey her or having individuality and giving importance to my mother also? Don't you think mil struggle with fil became her positive points to strengthen her relation with dh? I can smell she having advantage and nobody in dh family care about how do I take all this?
Doctors can't help me much to erase the root cause for my stress and depression. They just made me relieve for now. This is a social issue.
What do I need to do?

gjaya · Apr 11, 2011

Giji, your MIL is expecting a little empathy from you and respect..is there anything wrong in that?? That is the least you can do for her right...be a listener, lend a sympathetic ear to all her problems and yes respect her because she is your DH's mom. There is nothing wrong in that.

And I do not get why you cannot give importance to your MOM while doing all of the above...I mean does your MIL forbid you to keep in touch with your mom, is your DH against you in meeting your mom?. What is the problem here? If your MIL has a good relationship with her son, I mean isn't that a good thing? You work in having a good relationship with your DH. I mean there is nothing about who is getting advantage with whom, don't compare the relationships.

Giji, I feel there are some deep rooted issues here, you are thinking something that is totally unnecessary and not worth losing your mind. You still sound very depressed to me, it will help you a great deal if you visit a counselor, they will surely help you understand what really are your issues.

DrKadambari · Apr 11, 2011

giji, you are just mixing two things here. You wanna speak to parents and help them out do it as you deem right provided your husband is fine with it too. Just because you sympathize on you MIL you are not denaying anythign to your mom.

Well FIL is irresponsible and doing idiotic acts and at times it gets into MIL's witts and when she cant take it anymore she has to speak out and she does it with her son / your DH. Well as mother dont you think she can atleast speakout to her son. Yes its very very very common that DIL is an outsider when such issues comes in the family. Usually husbands dont even tell it to their wife as to what conversation went on between he and mom, your hubby tells that you, you hear and just leave it. You have nothing to do with it. its JFYI (Just for your information) and not FYA (For your action)

And about gifting to your SIL and all these are somthing you dont have to take up, let your hubby do it as he deems rights. if it was for your Brother"s kid then you would have to bother.

Your MIL wants some sympathy, whats wrong in that, after all its their son... And dont compare your relation and your MIL relation with DH. They both are different.

In all this I see that your DH has been fair to you. Count your blessings and just stay away from MIL FIL nataks. Nothing would change... MIL will not leave FIL, all these drama has been going on for about 25 yrs now and it would just go on as long as FIL / MIL is there...

And please take some therapy for the imbalance you are having...

The root cause for your stress is you bothering abt MIL FIL... which is actually not your business at all....