1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

I am extremely possessive, husband getting abusive and lying

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by homemaker81, Apr 5, 2011.

  1. RadiantCat

    RadiantCat Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,724
    Likes Received:
    90
    Trophy Points:
    110
    Gender:
    Female
    I did not say no to professional help. Professional help can come from different quarters like trained psychologists, certified counsellors, but when it comes to psychiatry, I deem it as more serious. In the US they may not prescribe medicines at the drop of the hat, however in India they would.

    I would look at approach like

    1. Family Welfare Counsellor or Community Centers
    2. Psychologists
    3. Psychiatrists.

    This is the order in which I would approach and bear in mind, the husband should be present in most of the sittings.

    During my divorce and earlier too, I have consulted several of the psychiatrists in the city. At one point I went through anti-deps which altered my life to a large degree. I am not associating a stigma here to mental health, but I would not want the person to feel terribly awful. I definetly on the softer side here. We know and realize things aren't normal but pricking the wound further it may not help the person affected. Mental health and physical are two different areas. I am very very wary about mental health because it can make or break a person completely.

    Adding more: In addition, I would say change must begin from within. This means when the person meets a trained professional, the person should talk how she was, what changes she tried to bring in and the after effect. These two are parallel activities. Thats what I said, professionals are not miracle healers the change must come from within. A case could be a drug addict. The drug addict wants to quit, he goes to a rehab but doesn't change. Well, there's no use. The same with possessiveness and obsession too. A prof can guide you, identify the root cause, help you anhilate some of the innate fears provided the person works in parallel.

    If I were to do an exercise I'd do this way, I will start climbing the path of progress and seek the help of a professional. I'd say I did n things to change and the results are these. These sessions require both the H and W. Now this is not a ER case, where I land all of a sudden at the Profs office and go bersek.

    In short, before I seek help, I will do my homework and then seek help.
     
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2011
  2. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,915
    Likes Received:
    7,188
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    Homemaker
    I am really happy that u are taking all the right steps towards a happy marriage. For now dont worry about whether ur DH is going to lie to u this weekend. No matter what he says just assume he is telling the truth. Try not to doubt his motives .
    If u dont mind my asking do u guys live in an apt complex . If yes then try to go to the common areas like gym or play ground where u can see other moms.
    Another option is try to look for balavihar or Gita classes in San jose. You can meet a lot of women there. There are also other classes organized in temples.
    Best of luck and God bless!
     
  3. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,915
    Likes Received:
    7,188
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    CW..its an angle that I hadnt considered. Thanks for sharing.
     
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2011
  4. RadiantCat

    RadiantCat Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,724
    Likes Received:
    90
    Trophy Points:
    110
    Gender:
    Female
    JAG, I never said people around said professional helpers are miracle healers. You may want to reread my post where I have explained clearly how I view the case. You guys know the best based on the geography and I accept I am an alien here.

    Adding more: BTW, even your PCP analyzes the case and suggests a therapist, but doesn't directly conclude " this is a clear case of psychiatric help". That's what I was wondering how come a vast majority recommended a psychiatrist without battering the eyelid.
     
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2011
  5. Vennella

    Vennella Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    375
    Likes Received:
    371
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    homemaker,

    I am so glad to see your post. It seems you are taking one small step at a time in the right direction. All the other ladies have given you good suggestions to fill your day with social activities. If you cannot do those, and have to stay home because of weather or kids, try reading, gardening etc (if you are interested). Also, these days everybody is connected even if they don't want to....try to get in touch with your old friends via facebook etc...if you love to cook, maybe you can try out new recipes and blog them (there are so many cooking blogs these days).....you can do a lot online....just to keep your mind occupied. Good Luck
     
  6. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,299
    Likes Received:
    6,339
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    Homemaker! I am so happy to see this improvement. I am really proud of you. That's the way to go girl!
    Reg how to make new friends, virtual world is different from the real world dear. Like you said, you need to find someone with whom you can talk to. You will find a friend; don't worry. Like others suggested, libraries and parks are the best place.
    I work full time and I am in this country for the past 4 years but till now no real friends. Its not easy; so dont be hard on yourself if you dont find anyone to talk to soon. Until you find good company, we are here for you.

    Dont worry about husband not calling you. He is still a little angry maybe. That's why he is not calling. When things settled down, he will call you. If he doesn't, its because he is busy at work. He must be observing the change in you too. You will have to be consistent now. You will have to keep assuring him that you trust him and show this in actions. Its ok to watch an item song...its the right you said to him. Keep up this attitude and I am sure your life will be as close as it can be in like in early days.
     
  7. sadwife

    sadwife Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,618
    Likes Received:
    438
    Trophy Points:
    158
    Gender:
    Female
    That was a good one Priya. :thumbsup


    Dear Homemaker,

    It's so sweet of you to realize there's something wrong with you and wanting to change for better. I see you already started working on it and I am sure things would soon get positive.

    Now please allow me to ask a general question that got nothing to do with Homemaker or her husband as from what I see her husband is such a darling. Well, Dr Kadambari and one or two others said that her husband would have left her earlier like few months after marriage if at all he was that type of a guy. Please pardon me. I don't get it. Don't we hear about husbands who get into EMA or divorce their wive for another woman even after years of happy marriage? So can we 100% be sure that a husband will not leave his wife in future although he's such a wonderful guy now?

    Some guys are simply womanizers not satisfied with one woman. They have fun with other woman even though they love (claim) their wife dearly. While there are few guys who suddenly discover they fell for another woman (and she's actually their soul mate) and willing to leave their wife for that woman.

    It happened in my family. Both highly educated. Doctors. Love marriage. He even went against his parents to marry my aunty, anyway eventually his family accepted and liked my aunty so much. He was such a nice man, humble and down to earth although so highly educated and very rich, was very loving with aunty, everyone in our family including others used to praise him a lot. But for everyone's shock after being married to my aunty for less than 10 years, he got into an EMA. He was still very loving and caring towards my aunty and their children till someone in my family discovered what he was doing and informed the aunty. So sometimes I think is it wise to trust my hubby 1001% just because he's such a wonderful guy? What guarantee do I have that he'll not change one day although he had promised he's not that uncle or like other guys who are interested in other women other than his wife (me)? :hide:


     
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2011
  8. gjaya

    gjaya Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,305
    Likes Received:
    19
    Trophy Points:
    68
    Gender:
    Female
    @Sadwife

    since you asked -

    What guarantee does your husband has that you won't change one day and start straying, find other men interesting?? Is it wise for him to trust you 1001% just because you are so wonderful?







     
    Last edited: Apr 10, 2011
  9. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,915
    Likes Received:
    7,188
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    Well said Jaya! :thumbsup

    Where there is no trust and mutual respect there is no marriage !
     
  10. Vennella

    Vennella Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    375
    Likes Received:
    371
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    Sadwife,

    just because it happened to one person doesn't mean we should give up on trusting altogether. it is not a good enough statistic......if not, people should stop getting married as there is no guarantee that they will stick to the last.:)

    gjaya...that was a good answer :thumbsup

    Canwait,

    with all due respect, i think all the other posters have mentioned medical help to homemaker since her first post seemed really abnormal...obviously none of us are professionals here.....it might do her good to actually hear from a professional that she has to work on some of her issues....she can start with following all the wonderful suggestions that the other ladies have posted here....and if that works for her great...if not she has to seek some sort of help.
     

Share This Page