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What to do - please tell

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by pathak2610, Apr 7, 2011.

  1. pathak2610

    pathak2610 Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear Friends of IL

    Today I’m coming to you for an answer which I am not able to find.
    Am a working mother of a 5 yr old and stay with my DH in <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:eek:ffice:smarttags" /><st1:City w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Dubai</st1:place></st1:City>. I admit am not the best housekeeper and not very smart at managing home efficiently while being a working woman. Most times I hardly manage to get my son’s HW done and cook a quick dinner and next day’s lunch/breakfast before I hit the bed at night, very late. Not to mention the numerous complains from my DH about the quick-fix things that do for meals and not working in an organized manner and having no time for him & not taking care of the house properly. We also have numerous bickering and serious arguments over small matters all the time, so much so that sometimes I feel its very difficult to live in this manner.
    Now the complication is that sometime back I had stopped taking my contraceptive pills due to a suggestion from a doctor as I had developed some gastric problems. The result is that I have now conceived – I think so – I haven’t gone to the doctor yet. Inspite of all things… for the last 6 months or so I started wanting to have another kid. Hence, in my heart of heart, I want another baby.
    My DH is not at all ready for another child. He is of the opinion that since anyway I am unable to manage the family, the family would fall apart should we have another baby. According to him, it will be totally crazy should there be another child as I am so poor at managing the house along with a full time job. Also, our age is on the higher side. I am 37 while he is 42.
    Please tell me my friends what should I do. I’ve been secretly wanting another baby but should I go for it? To some extent I agree with DH that our life will become very chaotic + we are rather old for a new baby & how we will bring him up nicely in future and take care of all the needs. Also, I’m also not very sure that my health will be very good as since I had my first child, I’ve never felt totally fine. I’m always feeling weak and tired. Mostly I think I have bone and muscle aches all the time.

    My DH is just asking me to find out how we can go about aborting it. My heart is not allowing for it this time ( i\ve had 2 abortions earlier – one immediately after marriage as he wasnt ready for it, and one immediately after my son’s birth – as I was just recovering from a bad post delivery experience and both of us wasn’t upto it at all). But I also know that should I insist on this child and have it also, it will be a constant topic for verbal bashing for me as I know him. He has already started blaming me for the pregnancy since I stopped takings the pills and didn’t listen to him to continue. (actually I told him that I’ve spoiled my body enough with first going for copper T for 3 yrs and then the pills which caused gastric problems. I didn’t want to do anything like that to my body. I wanted him to take the onus for the precaution now. )

    Hence, the question lies: what should I do? It is also right that he should have a say in whether we should have another child. Without his approval, no point trying to have another baby as it will only be trouble in future. But what do I do. I don’t want to abort this baby, it’s a life afterall. Even though I’ve had 2 before, I never felt like this before.
     
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  2. SallyR

    SallyR Silver IL'ite

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    I am all for pro-choice, when the situation is critical. I really can't understand how you can be so careless about pregnancy. There are so many ways to avoid pregnancy these days and it is your responsibility as much as your husbands to be take appropriate actions to avoid unwanted pregnancy. No point in blaming each other, both at equal fault.

    Now let's assume that you are pregnant then I believe that it's females prerogative to decide whether to continue with the pregnancy or not, afterall we are the one who carry the baby and give birth. If you decide to continue with the pregnancy, your husband needs to do his bit in looking after child. IMO his choice ended when he decided to have unprotected sex.

    If this turn out to be false alarm, please be extra careful in the future. Decision to try for a baby should always be mutual.

    If you are having trouble managing home and work, get your husband to do his share of household work.
     
  3. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Friend Raising 2 kids while working is really big and tiring job and you need to have full support from you husband especially when you are out of india. In your case I don't think you both are ready for this baby then why to bring him in this world and spoil four of your lives. If I was in your place I wouldn't continue pregnancy. I would feel sad for some days but at least its better to struggle whole life and cry, regret whole life. Be practical and take care next time. All the best
     
  4. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi ,

    This might be your only chance to have another healthy baby as you guys are already on the older side. You may not be able to have it if you want it later.

    Ans since it is already been concived , Go ahead and have it.

    I think , Laws in Dubai allow to bring Maid's to help you out. Figure out that option and tell you husband what you need is little bit of help and you will be able to manage.

    And a sibling is obviously good for any child.
     
  5. ptamil2007

    ptamil2007 Gold IL'ite

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    pathak2610: I am trying to think of the situation you have mentioned in 3 different scenarios:

    First one: Why is it that you feel and your DH feel that you as a working woman is not able to manage the house along with a kid? Try to write down the causes for this and see what you can do to fix this. A maid, some amount of planning, some changes in lifestyle, some changes in attitude for both of you.

    If this can be fixed, that is step one

    Second one: Talk to your DH about having a sibling for the first kid. Both of you go to a doctor, get medical advice and talk about the pros and cons of postponing for the second child

    Third one: If you both plan to have the second baby, think of other options of working: like part time work, any work from home opportunities.Things like these can help

    Overall: Instead of getting stressed, have a quiet mature conversation with your DH, both come to a consensus about this situation

    All the best
     
  6. indianguy2010

    indianguy2010 IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi Pathak,

    I feel............at this juncture, adding one more member(new kid) to your family will certainly add more chaos and more stress to you. Your husband is correct in saying that this pregnancy should be aborted.

    Thanks. Bye.
     
  7. satchitananda

    satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Pathak,

    By your own admission, you are having a tough time managing one kid and your husband does not want another. While it is all ok to say he "should" chip in and he "should" help out and so on and so forth, reality is different from all the "shoulds", "coulds" and "woulds" in this world. What if the baby arrives and husband decides to go a non-cooperation movement? Where do you stand then? How would enforce compliance on an unwilling partner? What would be the quality of life you could give to your children, when you feel so messed up with handling one? Is is fair on either child to bring one more into this situation?

    There is no doubt that in an ideal situation, a child should have a sibling. But under what circumstances? If you can control these problems by employing a maid, or as PTamil said, by taking up a part-time job instead of a full-time one, or quitting work and being a SAHM, then, it is up to you to work that out with your husband.

    Ultimately the decision should be taken by the two of you. We can only give you our opinions. But these cannot be construed as guidelines for you. Both of you have to be comfortable with whatever decision you take. It is a question of your lives, your child's life and one more life which you may or may not choose to bring into this world.
     
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  8. Maneesha

    Maneesha New IL'ite

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    Pathak,

    I totally agree the life will be busy and hectic. I am there. I just had my second kid . I am full time working women and my elder kid goes to school too. I work almost round the clock with just 5-6 hours of sleep. But the pleasure of seeing my elder kid enjoying younger one and younger one being excited after seeing the elder one is above the all struggle of day to day life. I would not trade it with anything in the world.

    Having another kid is one of the best decision of my life ( Yes we were there when we thought again and again if we would be able to manage it and it took a while to convince my hubby). But we are all so excited about it that we are able to pull it off.

    Please do it for your kid . He/She will be thankful forever.

    Cheers!!!
     
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  9. Mridhu

    Mridhu Silver IL'ite

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  10. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    I'm not going to weigh in on whether you should keep the baby or not. But I DO want to say how irresponsible I think you are. Ok 1 abortion because of an accident. But then there was a second abortion. And now possibly a third. HELLO, please stop using ABORTION as a method of birth control! I can understand quitting the pill if you are having bad side effects... but what about condoms? What about an IUD? Really, there's no excuse for this.

    I think you need to get your act together. Either quit your job and focus entirely on running the house well and taking care of your kid(s), or go for a THIRD abortion and put full focus into work and STOP getting pregnant. I believe women should have the right to chose abortion, although I would probably not chose it for myself. HOWEVER, after 2-3 abortions, it starts to become like murder due to your own negligence. I'm not trying to be mean, but the decision to abort is really serious. It's basically the ending of a life. Don't you think it would be a whole lot better to stop the sperm from meeting the egg, rather than aborting a living human baby from your womb? Just something for you to think about.
     

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