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Confused, upset, dont know how to deal this.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Skythelimit, Apr 6, 2011.

  1. Ballereena

    Ballereena Bronze IL'ite

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    Why dont you set a timer as soon as you put milk on the stove so that you get alerted before the milk spills or whatever. This is a very unpredictable reason to suspect your husband for maliciousness. Or try to think of new ways to overcome this problem like setting the timer or put a layer of aluminium foil under the stove etc to make your work easy.

    Best is to hire a maid.
     
  2. Skythelimit

    Skythelimit New IL'ite

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    Dear friends, Thank you all of you for your kind reply.


    @FL, i am also like you believing all with white heart before marriage. i dont even think of mils problems. all i know about cruel mils is only what i saw in old b&w films.i never thought reality is more worse than what is shown in tv serials. do we believe real lovers will sing & dance when we see films? like that only i saw tv serial mils & stories. and dont even want to watch them.
    But after marriage, all i am experiencing is only negative side of humans.

    i dont understand why you are believing men this much. they may think differently, but they are too human beings, very normal human beings.

    ok, i share 2 incidents here.
    1. This is few years back, while we married recently. At office, while having lunch, my h's friend is saying to my h, " whenever my wife asks me to help like, if she asks me to make coffee, i will spill down some coffee powder, or if she asks me to help in cooking, for taking 2 masala items, i will take out all masala boxes out, spill out some and keep them as such( all intentionally). so that she has to do double work after that." he is saying this like a joke and laughing, " then my wife will say, ' its better you dont come to kitchen for helping me, you are only making my work double' " .
    Are you believing this words which came out from a man. when my h told this to me, i said " what kind of man he is? then what kind of love he is having for his wife? if he dont want to help, why cant he say, "i wont help".

    2.This happened when we went abroad first time. we bought gifts & toys for all, my brother&sister's children, my h's sister's children and all.
    So we dont have enough Kgs while returning back.
    my h said this to his friend. his friend replied, " why you are buying gifts&toys for your wife's side sister&brother's children and all. why dont you but things only for your side sister's children and family members?".
    my h is asking solution for Kgs problem. but his friend is creating new family problem.(because of my pil's cunning, this time we didnt buy any thing while returning is a different story).

    So men are also normal basic human beings. FL, we are living in kali yugam. i am a bad victim of experiencing the negative side of human beings.

    Then dear friends, i want to clear one thing. my problem is not spilling of milk. its only about my h's attitude.
     
    Last edited: Apr 7, 2011
  3. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Skythelimit,

    I still beleive,you seriously have some issues with you.Because my husband also talks with his friends that way.But doesn't mean that,he does it at home.It's fun talking for some men.
    Somehow my younger daugther doesn't go to my husband much.When his friends drops by at our house,they will ask,how come you made her like that where she is not coming near to you.He says,it's trick.
    But reality,he doesn't do any sort of things.Just he talk that way with friends for show-off.If you beleive those and think your husband acting that way,then you are spoiling your own peace with your own hands.
     
  4. sowmyapbhat

    sowmyapbhat Senior IL'ite

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    I agree with most of the posters here. Most men hesitate to show any love/concern for the wife/children when others are around; especially if the others are the kind who believe that a man's responsibility ends with paying the bills.

    So, if a husband is joking about making more work for his wife in the kitchen, it just is his way of showing off. Most men would talk like that. Whether they actually do that or not in the privacy of their own home, is a different question.

    Men will joke about women, sex and what not. If we pay heed to all that they say, it will be the end of our peace of mind.

    To the OP : People can and will be mean when they are trying to put you in your place. If you can, catch him in the act & tell him that's a mean thing to do. But don't lose your sleep over it. It's a minor thing in human relationships.
     
    Last edited: Apr 7, 2011
  5. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear OP ,
    Maybe you do have a genuine problem but you described a very small incident and we all jumped on it . Sorry .
    Your H could be having an unco-operative attitude . Some men really believe that its unmanly to help their wife at home .
    Birds of a feather fly together , if your H has such ill-mannered friends then he will be influenced by them . There are men who talk and behave the way you have described .

    Keep a maid to help you with the housework , you will be more relaxed and can pursue some hobbies .
    Nothing much can be done to change your Hs nature unless he himself wants to.
    Some day your H will realise your worth and see his foolish friends for what they are.
     
    1 person likes this.
  6. indianguy2010

    indianguy2010 IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi OP,

    I have no disagreement with you in that your husband could be having intense hatred on you. But what I disagree is ..............one, milk, even if kept in sim, would come out and spoil the surrounding. I have spoiled the stove so many times, this way, in sim flame. Hence, I can tell you firmly that you are wrong in this context.

    Second, as Flowerlady (she is a woman) says, I too am of the feeling (I am a man) that husbands take a direct approach (mostly) to express the hatred on the wives.......like shouting , yelling and finding faults with trivial things etc.

    Well I am not giving clean chit to your husband. He could have harmed you in so many ways, I do not know. But , in this milk episode, I strongly disagree, for the technical reason I above said.
     
    Last edited: Apr 8, 2011
  7. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    SL

    As much as you had problems in the past and your husband might have behaved immaturedly, isnt it too early to comment about the Milk episode?

    Also I was having this discussion with my friend about how women say yes to doing everything during initial days after marriage, and slowly they are the ones who change the habit of the husband and when kids are born, women expect sudden changes in men i.e to help around etc...and the husbands may not come around as they were never made responsible for domestic chores all this while...

    You would see some women, who would firmly put down their foot and say sorry i cant do this...or will say Id ont know how to dothis etc...etc..and which makes a man take up those activities...but everytime there is a challenge and additional work and you push yourself to meet that new challenge or target to get work done just because husband will mess up the kitchen or he maynot do it teh right way...its our own loss as we would be overburdened...think about it..

    I knowyou are trying to find solutions from all angles...so look for taking one step at a time. Next time tell him to stand near the milk and tell him if it spills out you wont clean it as you have to manage lots of stuff...clean the spills only once a week..if he makes a issue, tell him that he has to help around...

    its like either he helps around the house..or lives with what you are doing....only 2 options..

    at the same time if he is helping you..dont pointout or dont say you need things to be done in exactly the way you do it...accept the way he does things...slowly he will learn to do it more efficiently and quicker way ....

    If you are married for certain # of years and all this while you were doing things...suddenly men wont change and offer a helping hand...(some do that ..but not all...) some need that nudge and push and direction that they have to help.

    Dont loose hope and dont get disheartened that things are not working too quickly...try and try...you would surely see a change. this is not a false hope...really...when you are trying out of frustration...it may not work as you might expect quick results...but if youkeep digging past and see how he acted or talked...you would feel more frustrated and discouraged to even try to change his behaviour...

    Ok, so what if he spills milk or masalas...leave them as it is...next time give him the job of cleaning that...
     
  8. linaanup

    linaanup Junior IL'ite

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    gr8 advice...friend just follow this and things will be okay..dont worry!!
    :thumbsup
     
  9. Dhaanika

    Dhaanika Gold IL'ite

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    Hah. Where's your sense of humor? Play a prank back on him rather than get upset.
     
  10. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Dhaanika

    I am guessing...he may not be that sportive, if wife plays such pranks back at him....
     

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