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Lessons learnt from In-laws and co-sister

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by suncouple, Mar 1, 2011.

  1. suncouple

    suncouple New IL'ite

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    I have been an active reader to this forum. Reading your post..me too have same sort of experiences, which i would like to share now. Mine is love marriage. My husband is younger son. I know my in-laws from childhood. when we told our proposal, both of our parents aggreed, with out any issues. But we had to wait, for his elder brother's marriage to happen. Before i was very close to my BIL, i used to treat him like brother. My BIL Marriage settled finally with a gilr who has done M.tech and very intelligent. She looks very silent and innocent. I am friendly natured girl, always mingle with poeple easily. Once they are married, my husband( we are not married by that time yet) used to stay in their house.I used to go their house every weekend. I tried a lot to mingle with her, but she was never used to respond properly. Only yes or no to what we ask. Tahts it. Then i realized, may be she doesnt like me to come their house, and she doesnt like me to talk to her husband (my BIL). So i told my husband (still not yet married) that, i dont come to their house. But he used to insist me, plz come.. since he was sick that time, due to some health problems. So i couldnt say no.
    Finally our mrg date fixed. And their parents used to fight for every thing in mrg, they fought for dowry and gold. We are theree daughters to our father. Initially my father told no, for whatever they have demanded. BUt finally he has given every thing(almost) but they are not happy. And i was very dull and frustrated at the time of my mrg day, and i had 104 high temperature too. Seeing their behaviour used to cry. I have never expected their behaviour. And once mrg happened, on the FN function, thye will make us to feed each other. I was very upset and couldnt be active when he was feeding me. Then my CO-SIS said, its not new, why is she doing like that, then my BIL siad quiet. I was very much depressed already, and seeing her behaviour i felt very bad. As for my knowledge, i have never hurted her, the only mistake what i did is, before mrg to go their house in wkends.

    Whenver i speak to my BIL, with smile, i cant see her face, it will become very cruel.And i have observed many times, he dont speak if his wife is there. SO even i started maintaing lot of distance, bcoz i dont want to spoil their relation.

    This is one side, and the other side my MIL never used to talk to me properly after mrg, she always used to praise my co-sis saying she is very silent. And alwaysused to pinch my heart, saying my younger son stopped calling me after mrg. We used to stay away(far) from In-laws. Both brothers used to stay in the same place, but diff houses. And my BIL never calls his mother, he calls very raerely. So my MIL used to say, my elder son is like that only before mrg also, but younger son stopped calling after mrg only. I have never told my husband to not to call his paretns. And most of the things i have observed she gives more importance to my co-sis. And my MIL and FIL stopped talking to my parents properly. My in-laws came to our place, after our mrg, they went to my BIL's house. we expected at least for 4 days they stay with us. But they stayed there only. I was very much depressed. I can clearly see that they give more importance to dowri and gold. On this i fought with my husband many times and also in mrg also they demanded so much on dowri and gold but my husband did not speak any thing. he always used to support me saying his parents are wrong, but if he would have fought, our mrg wouldnt have happedn, thats y i haven't fought with them. After few months of our mrg my husband got on-site opportunity. SO initially he went for three months. I used to stay alone at home. Finally my husband's offer extended for an year.So have deiced to resign. So i told my father. But my father insisted me to tell my FIL. I have told him, i am resigning he said, just for one yr, why to resign, you continue he said. on that night, my MIL called, she never used to call me before that, with concern of staying alone. But that night she called whether i have resigned or not. I told, will resign, then she didnt say any thing. I told to my husband all these. She spoke to his father and said, to me to resign. I know he wants me to live with him. He doesnt encourage me to live far for the sake of salary. When i was alone at home, my CO-SIS and my BIL never used to concern me. At least i can see my BIL willing to come to our house in the weekends, I can strongly say that my CO-SIS always used to object him, to not to go.

    I have decide to shift our lauggae to my MIL house, my parents came to help me. When my parents have come, my mother told me to invite my BIL and CO_SIS, i have invited her she said, you only come, before that she came to our hosue and hse has not invited my paretns. Suddenly when i hv invited she said, you only come. I said we will coem later you come. She said OK. And next day we are waiting but htey didn come. And i called finally at lunch time, they told not cmng, i felt very much annoying bcoz my mother prepared all varities. My mother took phone and she invited for dinner atleast. They came, my CO-SIS is very seriosus. and i know she doent want to come. I Understood, my BIL is so scared of her. I scold my mother why you invited them, i know they are so cheap. And i didnt want to talk to her. She such a cunnig girl. She acts very smart infront of my MIL. She speaks to me with so much of effection, if my MIL is there, otherwise she treats me like insect. I started hating her, after seeing her cunning behaviour. I felt poeple are liek this too. very wierd. I have asked my MIL to come, before i travel. she said no i dont come. but two days before my travel date, i heard that my MIL and my CO-SIS mother are coming. I am actually very short-tempered girl. I called my MIL and said, you are treating me like outsider, u dint tell me that you are coming, bcoz i asked you to come. she siad no nothing liek that. Finally they both came to my BIL house. I called her to come to our house. SInce my parents asked me to do so. She said no i wont come. I wil come for one hour thats it. I cut the call and started crying. In that frustration, I have called my BIL and started shouting like anything. Bcoz i have never expected any help from them, understanding my CO_SIS mentality. But one day, when i was packign he (BIL) called me and asked, do you need any help, and his voice was very serious and angry. I said everythign done, except winter shopping. He replied not that any thing else. i was quiet and said nothing. For the first time he spoke to me like that. This is one eg only. I have remembered all these, and very much frustrated. And called back to him, started shouting, why are you treating me like outsider and ( when my husband is not in india, they all planned for tirupathi, my MIL called me and aksed me to book my ticket) and started balsting like anything, and i said why MIL asked me to book my ticket, if she doesnt treat me like outsider. He didnt have any answer for whateveri asked. And i am sure his phone was on speaker my MIL and CO_SIS mother and CO-SIS every one heard.
    But he also started shouting, you are not talking like an educated. But even their behaviour was like uneducated. But only y mistake is they have done all things very silently and cunning. But me have shouted with my frustration and tears.
    Next day i called my BIL nad said sorry, bcoz i knew who is the reason behind all his behaviour. My MIL came to our house and she spoek to my parents nicely, bcoz i have given then and there in yesterday's phne call whatever she has done. I am sure she has realised all her mistakes... Now she is in good(or OK) relation ship with my parents and with me also OK.

    Now, after an year we came to visit india, my CO-SIS behaviour is same.She is very very cunnig. She speaks to me if my mother in-law is there. Oterwise no, whenver we come to speak to his brother in internet, she will be there, but she never says hi or she has never wished for birthday or anniversary. But if my MIL is there, she speaks as if nothign happened.
    And my husbands grandma (MIL's mother) (he raised at his grandma), she siad, to me, your CO-SIS had given gold chain, y dont you ask your father. Actually my father aslo gave, but he gave the gold coin not item. My husband got lot of angry he stopped talking to her. And he fought with his mother, seeing my tears. Bcoz his mother was ther when she was saying like htat, she dint say anything her face is looks like encouraging her mother. But finnaly, what can we do? And i too was angry, not spoke to any of them. But my MIL was saying to my husband in my days my MIL used to say so many things, we never used to get angry like that. But what to do... if we want peace of mind we have to leave all htese..Finally what is important is, whether i am happy with my husband or not, dont expect anything else...other we cant live in this world.

    Apart from all these, i can suatain in family, i have my hsband support a lot, otherwise i have no idea, wher i would have ended.

    The lessens whaht i have learnt from these experiences is:
    1) Dont take any this as permanet either happy or sorrow, /
    2)Do not expect any thng from anybody, especially from in-laws
    3) I started practising, a simple smile whenever my MIL says any hurting words, believe it gives lot of peace of mind.
    4) Dont even care and Ignore, if some one is treating you like an insect or acting very much cunnig or trying to dump you to prove themselves.
    5)Forget bad things, remember good thisngs, its good for mental health
     
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  2. sadwife

    sadwife Gold IL'ite

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    My co-sister has been in the family for quite some time and has very good reputation with everyone. She is very friendly, shows lots of respect to the elders, obeys to whatever they say, she likes everything that MIL likes and dislikes everything that MIL dislikes.

    I entered into the family hoping to be very close with MIL, co-sister and the rest of them in the family. On the first day I noticed co-sister showing an unpleasant face while I was talking about my university days and graduation with one of my hubby's cousins. I could feel that she was not happy I am being a graduate while she's not much educated.

    After few days, hubby and I had to stay at BIL's place for 3 - 4 days.
    Co-sister did things like early in the morning asking her kids to knock on our room door and telling us to get out of the room since they need to put back the mattress. One day I was last to eat and I kept some balance food. In an irritated tone she asked me who is going to eat the balance?

    She is not working and she prefers me not to work. She often keeps saying why a mother shouldn't work etc so that I don't look down on her since she's being a home maker.

    She talks to me nicely in front my hubby, MIL and also BIL. But when alone, she would show face and her tone would change.

    On the phone, most of the time her tone would be polite (and smiling) but she would say things to hurt or belittle me. Get me? She would say something nasty in a nice way. I could feel that she's jealous of me in some aspects as I come from a well to do family with many being highly educated and in good post.

    There was also this incident (I don't want to elaborate here) when MIL told co-sister that she (MIL) would have suffered if not because of me (I did something so that MIL doesn't have to go through the hurdle). I saw co-sister was silent for few moments, her face clearly showed that all these while she was the one being so loving and caring towards MIL but now MIL says I have done something to take care of her. I think co-sister was worried that I will look after MIL even better than how she has been doing all these while.

    I feel so disappointed and hurt.
    I want to be very nice and close with MIL and co-sister but I don't know why they can't accept me sincerely.

    Co-sister has been a wonderful DIL all these while, so obviously people will only believe whatever she says. To make matters worst, MIL complains about me to co-sister and few others in their family. So it's easier for co-sister to say bad things about me to MIL and others. Co-sister is very friendly and very open with everyone while I am shy and reserved type. All of them think I am bad and don't like to mingle with them because I don't talk much.

    MIL and co-sister have been very close for years.
    I feel MIL purposely wants to find something to complain about me to co-sister since she doesn't want co-sister to think that all of a sudden MIL prefers me more than her.

    My hubby's cousins were nice to me. They were talking to me well until one function where I saw BIL talking with them for some time and from that moment the cousins didn't talk to me nicely anymore. I feel so hurt. I was so nice with them. I never did anything bad to them. Why should they do that to me? How can they just blindly believe what others say when I am being good to them?

    I have the feeling that co-sister had lied something about me to BIL and BIL had told the cousins. Or maybe BIL too wants others to think I am bad and his wife is the best. I don't know. They have a daughter. I hope the daughter will go through hell with her in laws in future because her parents were mean to me. I am sure when that happens, co-sister will regret for the things she did to me.

    Co-sister can be everyone's favourite DIL, I don't mind but I really wish she stopped looking at me as her competitor.
    I am least interested to be considered as a good/best DIL but I just hope they don't believe the lies about me and stop hurting me.

    My conclusion is, if at all MIL was nice to me and kept her mouth shut not taunting about me, I would have a peaceful life because no one else would have the guts to mistreat me.


    Lessons learnt:

    1. I can never forgive them especially MIL.

    2. Hating them is only spoiling my emotional and mental health, so I am trying to ignore them and their thoughts from my mind as much as possible considering them just as 'outsiders'. I have no feelings for them.

    3. Not to ruin my relationship with my hubby because of those fools since that is what would make them happy.
     
    Last edited: Mar 1, 2011
  3. sitara1

    sitara1 Bronze IL'ite

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    Well said SC. I too have learnt to block out their negatives for my piece of mind.

    SW, why curse the innocent girl bcos of your issues with your co-sis?
     
  4. shawrup

    shawrup New IL'ite

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    Just pray to god for directions. Stay busy with your hubby and enjoy time with him. i can understand your situation and the best way to resolve it is to stay focused in your life and do not waste time spending time thinking about what inlaws does. PRAY TO GOD for directions that's what i am doing!
     
  5. sadwife

    sadwife Gold IL'ite

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    That's what I exactly thought Sita, but I just can't help it. Anyway I'll take back my word, let God decide. I believe in what goes around comes around, those who hurt me for no reason would definitely have to answer for it one day.
     
  6. harinisripada

    harinisripada Gold IL'ite

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    Hey! Mine started without me knowing!!!

    When my FIL arranged for some plumbing changes in their house just before my wedding, my co-sister put her foot down and did not allow it, her excuse - "you did not change the plumbing when I got married, so you cannot welcome the new bride with a new plumbing"!!!

    Classic example of cutting off your nose to spite your face - she was the one living there, I just visited for three days, she could have got herself a new modern bathroom using me as an excuse... but that was never done for the next 6 years, till they shifted to a new home !! :bonk

    When my son was born, she constantly called me a "bad mother" who didnt know how to feed their kids ... when I humbly asked her what she fed to her daughter, she said "I have no idea, my mom brought her up and she lived on only nestum milk for her first year!!"

    When my 80+ FIL collapsed and was rushed to the ICU, she just had her second baby, my baby was still less than 2 years old, but I totally took over his care, and she said "Now, you know how much work I do?" My DH immediately responded - "She has always taken care of her elders in her house, this is nothing new for her"

    When I was doing my MBA, she said MBA could be completed by paying someone 2000Rs!!!! When I wore different color earrings, she would say, dont spoil my daughter and teach her silly stuff!

    When someone complimented me on losing weight after childbirth, she said "Oh really, you've lost weight??" I said, "Yeah, I dont know what they are talking about, I'm still the same !!! Just lesser by 10 kilos"... but when her own mother complimented me about the weight, she agreed and accepted and I was like "Really, I have lost weight???":rotfl

    After that though, things started to change!! My FIL and BIL saw me, how patient I was with my son, how much care I took of my FIL and also how organized and planned I was!!! And on the other hand, they also saw how disorganized and impatient she was with the 2nd kid !!! She actually hit him when he was 11 months old, for not eating his cereal fast enough!!!! And when my FIL objected, she burst out and shouted that "I live in joint family and Harini lives in nuclear family"... Immediately my FIL and BIL scolded her back - "from the time your 2nd son was born, FIL is with Harini, and you are a guest here, you dont have any work to do, still why are you impatient??"

    Thats when I realised that it is not problem with me, the problem is hers!!! She is totally
    insecure!!! And unnecessarily compares herself with all!!! And simply attacks everyone...

    And I stopped caring about her taunts and was strong... and FIL and BIL started knowing me better because FIL started staying with me!!

    So, she said "Harini is very patient with kids, I cannot be" and
    then started attacking my cooking skills.... then my BIL used to praise my cooking, so she started attacking my smiles, that because my DH is the most ideal husband in the world, thats why I am always happy... My DH thought it went too far, but didnt comment, I thought even if she was married to my DH, she will not be happy.... I tried to explain that we also have several fights and we have several issues between us, just that other people dont see it!!! But she wont accept that I could have any problems...

    So I just feel very very very sorry for her....
    And inspite of all this, she is a good woman, a good DIL, good teacher and a good mother!!!
    She is just not a good co-sister!!!! :) because she is jealous! Maybe she is just unhappy - God only knows what will make her happy!!!

    Once I asked her "What will make you very happy?". She said "If you come and manage this house of mine for a month, I'll be very happy" It so happened that within 6 months, I had to do that as FIL was sick for one month and she had to go out of town !!! And I breezed through it, without any problems!!! And that definitely DID NOT make her happy!!!!

    I learnt from many of HER MISTAKES-
    1) As parents we shouldn't tell conflicting commands to our kids
    2) We should not be impatient with elderly FIL.
    3) We must not constantly provoke husband that he is a lesser man than his younger brother!!!
    4) We should not feel jealous, it makes us very very vulnerable!
    5) Every single person has some problem or the other and also some happiness or the other, we have to keep a positive attitude and look at our small happiness and not compare with others!

    Refer to my post - http://www.indusladies.com/forums/relationship-with-in-laws/73592-nice-co-sis-but-negative.html
    Keep smiling :)
    Harini
     
    Last edited: Mar 2, 2011
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  7. Me1

    Me1 Silver IL'ite

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    :eek:mg:your story is 85% similar to that of mine..
     
  8. Monjolika

    Monjolika Senior IL'ite

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    Hi All,


    I have been married for about 2 years now. My husband has an elder brother and he has been married for 16 years. My co sister and my MIL did not get along well from day one. MIL was very cunning and wanted to separate BIL and Co Sis according to them. Since 2 years of marriage my BIL and co sis are living separately and my husband has been taking care of MIL and FIL. Infact Co Sis even stopped speaking to MIL since then.
    Since my marriage, Co Sis has been telling to move out with my husband and leave MIL and FIL alone. I do not want to do that, though my MIL and I do not get along very well. She is very sick now and bed ridden and I want to take care of her. Co Sis did not take this well and she has been repeatedly telling DH and me to move out. DH gives a deaf ear to what she says in this. Otherwise the two of them are very close.
    Now this Co Sis is behaving in a very authoritative manner to me. In the first few months of marriage, this incident happened. I was on the internet (paying bills) when she called me. I could not take the call then. Sometime later i told my DH that i missed her call. He said she had called him then and they spoke. She has asked DH where I am and he told on internet. I assumed that since they have spoken, there is nothing urgent and did not call back. This, I later told her also when I called her the next day. But she took offence that I did not callback the same day and stopped talking to me. BIL also sent me messages about showing respect to elders and all. I did not know then that they have taken offence. After a few days, I called her and asked why they are not talking to me properly. She did not give a straight answer. Despite I apologised to her saying if i have done anything wrong, I am sorry and asked her to tell what wrong i did. No answer from her and she cut the call. I told my DH what happened. DH said if i donot want to speak further to her it is okay. A couple of months later my birthday came, but they did not wish. Same for new year also. I called them to wish, but they did not answer my call. They just spoke to DH and disconnected.
    Recently she came home for a weekend as MIL is bed ridden. She said she will cook and take care of her for the 2 days. In that time we took her to someplace as she wanted. While coming back i told i want to go to temple and stay there till puja is done. She asked why wait till puja, that will take one hour, lets go home. I said no i want to see puja as i never find time in weekdays. I work full time with a 3 hours commute. We then went to have coffee, before going to temple, where she ordered oily snacks. I refused to eat as i am on a strict diet to control diabetes and lose weight. She got offened and has stopped speaking to me again. DH infact left me in temple and told me to come home alone and went back with her.
    Now she has blocked my number and also in social sites. Have i done anything wrong? What am i to do?
    Sorry for the long long post friends......... please help.
     
  9. katsb

    katsb Silver IL'ite

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    Co-sisters are dangerous. Rarely you maintain a good relationship with them. They are jealous you and you are jealous of them.

    I have an evil-drama-queen younger co-sis but married before me, who has easily brainwashed my in-laws that she is Miss Goody Two shoes. I attribute me and my hubby moving out of his house to her evil nature. She was insecure about me from day 1 when I got married and came into the family and created lot of problems for me, while staying smiling and fake in front of my in-laws. The fact that I don't wish to confront anybody in my husband's family on my husband's request, generally kept her true nature unexposed in front of her in-laws. When my hubby tried to tell my MIL about her, my MIL had asked me to adjust.

    After a while, I got tired of her crappy politics. I hate her to the core and wish that she will never be happy.

    Now, even if she stands an inch next to me I will not ack her. I just maintain my hi bye with her, only for the sake of my hubby and PILs. I blame my MIL for not being equal and seeing everything through a vision clouded by her convenience/comfort.
    My MIL lost my respect after that and I don't really care genuinely about her anymore. I think I don't need the respect of a woman who favors a fake scheming woman.

    So the bottom line is, don't give a hoot about your co-sister whether she is good or bad. At the end of the day, all co-sisters want to beat you and win the MIL's affections and FIL's property!
     
  10. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Clearly your co-sister has issues and is quick to take offence. You have apologied for inadvertently causing office but she doesn't seem the gracious sort. The best way to deal with people like this is to stop paying heed to them and their drama. Be nice and polite but don't go overboard trying to please her. Keep your husband updated at all times. Any patronising comments from them about paying respect to elders or whatever, just give a blank look and dismissively say-I Didn't mean any offence; perhaps you need to take things more lightly.
     
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