help me..I am going crazy thinking about my mother-in-laws behaviour

welcome to IL smita.

anyway, in answer to your query, smita, why do you bother about her being closer to your bil and helping him out. you cannot force emotions and modify someone's behaviour to your liking. unfortunately that is not possible.

once you know how she is, just get on with your life and interact with her on the same level as she does with you. in a way, this distance may be a blessing in disguise, in that there is less scope for negative interactions. besides she does not intrude into your lives, and you are free to live as you please. if she wants to keep her distance, so be it. besides, your dh being her son, if he does not mind, or say anything, why should you try to tell him how to handle his mother? leave them to handle their own relationship and equations.

i would strongly suggest that you do not broach this topic with her - you will run the risk of unnecessarily landing up with bad vibes, where none exist or are minimal. just leave well alone.

all the best.

 

hai

As you said you got married only before 7 months. so dont judge people quickly.
before speaking with your MIL you should think the following things.

1. Is your hubby is self employed?

As you said she is helping your BIL financially because he is doing business may be she is helping.

2. MIL Staying in BIL house - as you said your co sister is pregnant now so MIL cant leave her alone and you people also newly married na she thinks that you want some privacy.

think about the above things and come for a conclusion. :coffee
unnecessarily don't spoil the relationship.

take care
:thumbsup

 

Smita, in a joint family where parents are living with their adult children and spouse, it's only fair that the financial burden is shouldered by EVERYONE. Meaning, if your mil helps them out with bills, she is doing the right thing. Afterall, I'm sure your bil's wife is doing a lot of cooking and cleaning around the house, your bil is earning the main paycheck, etc. Your mil is just doing HER part to contribute to the household. Nothing wrong in what she is doing!

Obviously she will be extra close to them.... THEY LIVE TOGETHER! Just be thankful that you are living a seperate life with your hubby. So many women on here would LOVE to have the independence you have. So stop complaining about it, and look at it on the bright side... you have your privacy and freedom to do what you want in your house. As for the dynamic in your mil's house... it's none of your business. Don't interfere in how they run things in their home. You have only been married for 7 months, it will not look good if all of a sudden you start complaining about their way of life.... which has been going smoothly even before you came along. Just stay out of it. There is no problem, so don't create one just for the sake of it.

 

to be honest i feel you are looking for & inviting trouble when there is nothing there.

Its wholly natural the mother does extra for your BIL & family since shes living with them.. she pays a part of bills etc since shes also a member of THAT family. I think shes being really sensible and practical in helping out where needed if she can afford it so that shes not just a dependant there.. i dont see how this would seem that she cares less for her other son..

you are still very newly married.. rather than think of such issues and even turn ur husband against her actions, why dont you take the effort in getting to know her more and developing a good relationship with her if thats your problem?

taking your BILs wife to doctor-- how can you even take that up here? seriosuly, your MIL is living there and accompanying the doc visits.. should she let her DIL go all alone when she can be of any support?

You said she didnt come to help you when you shifted 2 houses.. Did you explicitly ask her to coem and help? did she feel you guys needed her help? she isnt a maid.. and shes not doing any maids job at your BILs..

My mum lives independently, but spends many days at my brothers place.. when shes there she spends a lot.. on groceries and other stuff.. she doesnt when shes visiting me.. but does that mean i think she cares less for me? For heavens sake no.. the situation is different.. here shes visitng me cause we asked her & its crazy to expect her to spend on stuff when shes a vistor.. at my brothers place, shes living just like shes lviing at her own place the other days.. she thinks of it just like her regular expenses and i reallly cant find fault at her logic..

if you truly want a good relationship with her, remove the negative thoughts.. think logically.. of course living together creates adifferent dymanics between them and you. my Bils wife is with my ILs where as i have lived with them very very less.. i have actively spent time with them, but never had the situation to spend more a week or 2 at a stretch.. so i wholly know and understand their relationship with my BILs wife whos part of the family for yrs very less than me would be totally different from what i have.. they would gauranteed be much closer cuase they live togehther and know each other's nuances inside out.. i dont expect it to be different.. does that make their attitude or their liking towards me different? i dont think so..

Its all in how you want this to work out.. dont ruin a working relationship due to your insecurities.. and dont make your husband suspect his mother's actions..

 

Hi Smita,

Don't worry about your MIL helping BIL financially and accompanying co-sister to hospital. They stay together so that's normal. Next time if you think you need her help, ask her so. I think she'll help you if she knows you need her help. I personally don't like asking help from MIL or else she'll think I should be grateful to her forever for what she did.

I understand when you say "i feel my husband's elder brother is her favorite and she's partial to him". That's what happening to me. But I hope your conclusion is not based on her helping your BIL and co-sister. That is nothing unfair since she's staying with them.

My MIL would only listen and believe to my BIL.
Say if my hubby says a movie is good and BIL says the movie was bad, MIL would support BIL. After few months if my hubby says the movie was bad and BIL says it was good, this time again MIL would support BIL.

My hubby is highly educated, intelligent, knowledgeable and at the same level as BIL, so it's nothing like BIL is better in so many ways that MIL should only consider BIL's opinion etc. It's so clear that she prefers him more than my hubby. I would say she loves him more than my hubby. She would make sure no ones insults BIL while she doesn't mind insulting my hubby infront others. Can you imagine how will I feel? Of course my hubby wouldn't believe me or even if he did and realize it he would prefer not to admit.

I posted my concern and frustration here. Most of the IL friends here advised that I should stop worrying about the mother - son relationship. It's up to my hubby to deal with it. So now I have stopped analyzing about it and trust me I am so much happy and have a peaceful mind now. I would also suggest you to leave the matter to your husband, it's his mother. You try to build a good relationship with your MIL, you are newly married and this is the time to build a good foundation with her and co-sister.

 

I think what your MIL is doing is right and is perfectly natural. Had she been living with you, she would have helped you in chores and taking you to the hospital/temple/movies etc. She is an elderly lady; what is wrong if you make an effort to visit her? She is contributing her part to your BIL's family because she is living there.

Are you expecting that she come all the way where you live to pay the bills, take you to hospital etc? If yes, your expectations are unreasonable. If nothing, you guys should be helping her out.

 

Hi,

I agree with ASG.If I were in your situation,I wont even bother about her.How I wished my MIL to be like yours?My MIL likes my husband more than my BIL(Her elder son) and hence you can imagine all problems.

I have learnt this out of all my problems.If a person is ignoring me,I will be extremely happy.Iam out of their expectations,monitoring.I can be independent and Iam not expected to reciprocate in return.

You should feel happy.How many girls want their MIL to ignore:biglaugh

 

Your MIL lives with your BIL/co-sis, so she is being supportive to the co-sis and helping BIL financially. You and your H don't live with your MIL, but still want the perks on par with them? You can't have your cake and eat it too.

 

Smitha
Yes there is a huge issue here. Your attitude. Please grow up.
You are newly married, barely have gotten to know ur MIL and ur family and here u are making judgements about how ur DH's mom is playing favorite with her oldest son.
Ur MIL stays with ur BIL and SIL and it is natural for her to help them out in chores. Infact it is wonderful that u have a nice MIL who helps out her DIL in household chores and is kind enough to accompany her to the hospital.
When u moved ..have u asked for help? Did she deny? May be she couldnt leave a pregnant woman at home and come. Have u thought about that?
She is elder to all of u ..u must be thinking about helping her out. Not the other way around .
About finances ..its her money and she can jolly well do what she pleases.