Lost my beautiful boy in NICU

HoneyFlower,

That post of mine on another message board was a more detailed one. And, my intention of these posts is merely to instill hope in all such people who are facing toughest of problems. Since, I myself had been in such situations many a times, I would also find so much of relief and hope whenever I used to read such success stories on the net. Good you found it inspiring.

Now, coming to that period of 1 year after I lost my son, I again tell you it was a very very difficult phase for me. The first few days were even more terrible. I could not divert my mind reading something ... my eyes and head would ache after every 10 min. I could neither involve myself in any other hobby (many I have), again my eyes and hands would ache. Added to that, I could not even get involved in any physical exercise, my back would ache due to the C-section. Every part of my body was very weak. Oh God, I was living through hell... the memories would flash back every few minutes and haunt me. I dont know how many times I had cursed God.

In your case, you say you have been asked to quit. But, in my case, I chose to quit my job. I did not want to see all those faces again specially the ones who had added onto my stress. I also had two friends who had successful deliveries at the same time. I wanted to avoid them as well.. not due to jealousy... but there was an indifferent attitude where I could not accept my failure. This comes from my past where forget about failures, I was always a topper in every field from childhood. I was actually on a roller coaster ride after my marriage unable to accept my failures one after the other. I looked forward to have a new environment and new colleugues and am glad to say I found a real good one. I started concentrating on my career in new environment with new set of people around. And, in weekends too, I used to get into some routine job which would spare very less idle time for me. Was I finding an escape route or was I getting into my own shell... dont really know. But had literally cut off my social network (again because could not handle myself seeing every other lady having kids and having a better life compared to mine)and was mostly on my own doing some kind of study or job.. This is how I lived through the hell. During this time, I had challenged God that he cannot be unfair to me from then on as he had given me enough.

The rest of the story you already know...

You will be the best judge to see what will keep you away from all those memories. Go in that direction. BTW saying so, we can probably never get rid of those memories for lifetime... but life has to move on... so choose a non miserable path; for that will be good for you and everyone else who loves you.

-krk

 

HoneyFlower,

"Don't ever give up" - do you remember this? A very famous one which floats around the IT industry. Is it not meant for such situations? I know how difficult this is in reality. I too was like you in those initial few months after losing my son. Was living like a vegetable.. with no emotions and no hopes.

I would also like to remind you of the very famous King Robert bruce and the spider. One of the oldest moral stories which we all would have studied during our initial schooling years. Read such stories again and again, they will have a positive impact on your mind and will start instilling hope. Read only such things which have a good ending and see only such movies which will have a good ending. Though you may feel, you have known all these long back, they will have positive impact in you.

There is no short cut. This is your life and you alone can decide how you want to look at it... whatever be God's disposal... I too don't have an answer for "why me?" kind of question. Call it Karma, but why should we be punished for some unknown sin? Some people are lucky and we are not. Accept this, but then dont give up.

God destines bad and good phases for every human being at different times. He cannot keep us struggling all the time. So rise up again girl, once more ... who knows, this time everything might fall in place.

-krk

 

dear honeyflower,
after reading your post and struggle to connect with someone who is in same level -- was making me feel very very pained for you,,,

but krk is a real good company for you and the best thing is how she has successfully come out of the calamity with bonus gifts from God is really inspiring not only for you at this moment but also for all of us reading your post !! -- so for this count - getting krk in your post - am happy for you !!

Hi krk,
thanks for dropping in with your success story and pulling us (honeyflower and rest all )out of depression !!

 

Sorry to hear that....But dont you worry everything will be fine. Good Luck for your next baby

 

Dear Honey,

So so sorry for the loss of your dear baby. I can only imagine the pain you must be going through.

I agree that in India grieving is mostly just ritualistic. I lost my father as a very young child and nobody including my own mother spoke to me about the loss. When ever I wanted to talk about it, the issue was brushed aside. I still feel so sad when I think about those times. Only if people knew. People think that by NOT addressing the sorrow, they can make it go away. Which in reality is not true.

I will give you a couple of blogs where parents have lost their child and are grieving. It will give you an outlet and also hope for the future.

Your pain will never go away, you will always miss your baby but as time goes by you will have the strength to deal with it.

You are already a mother and will always be one.

Team Travis

Team Ewan: Our Last Night Together

 

Dear Honeyflower,
I share ur sorrow about not being able to see ur son properly. But please don't feel like a failure.
Even I feel I failed my son by not holding him close to my heart because I didnt even get to see him at all. After the delivery the nurse took the baby away and the doctor told my husband that its best I dont see the baby so that d face doesnt stay with me always. What more they packed the baby in a cardboard box. I didnt get to see him but insisted on holding the box. And though my sis-in-law really tried dissuading me I was persistent and finally did hug him through the box. Though I did feel like punching the insensitive doc then today I feel maybe that's how it was meant to be. I wasn't meant to carry the picture of my baby's lifeless body in my mind. Maybe I cudnt have taken that.
My husband saw his head before he buried him and the sight of a head full of jet black dense growth of hair is etched in his mind even today. He confesses that he doesnt know whether he shud feel happy he got a glimpse of his baby or sad because that image haunts him ever so often.
Today I remember my baby from the u/ltrasounds but its ok. Do not despair our boys will come back to us again. N this time they will be there to stay so we can see them/ hold them/ hug them as much as we want.

About me, I took a sabbatical just a few months b4 I conceived bec I wasnt able to TTC along with work. The plan was to conceive and let the baby be around a year to five years b4 I went back to work. Meanwhile I had plans of setting up a company of my own. But it didn't turn out as we planned. Even after I lost my baby I thought it wud be a matter of 3-4 months b4 I wud conceive again but even that didn't happen. I have abandoned my business plans bec I am not willing to invest my emotions in it as of now. So now I am planning to get back to work. Planning to get started this week itself.

Dear KRK
U inspire me. I am glad u get what u were destined to in the end. I hope the same comes true for Honeyflower and me too. Hugs to ur twins. I am sure they know how precious they are.

 

Hats Off!!! HoneyFlower,W4M and Krk

I read almost all these posts and was planning to give honeyflower some positive vibes but by the end of it....I have nothing but tears and loads of tight hugs............

Your baby will always be yours......and forever.....Good God will bless you!!

But would like to share a small advise which my mom still says....which she found solace in when she underwent terrible times at her young age.....

There are two ways of looking at a horrible phase in our life.....

1. "Y ME"
2. "I trust my God....he is testing me"


My mom says try the second one and look down with an humble feeling within you with a extra trust in God than before....He will surely revert with a blessing .......

Just be answerable to yourself and your God......

Loads of hugs!!!