Close to 4 yrs of marriage and no kids...

rakhii,

there was another thread in here and one of the ladies had a pretty good response:

aunt: rakhii, any good news?
rakhii: about what mami
aunt: you know the usual.. babies...
rakhii: oh that.. oh no not yet. but you will be first to know when there is one
aunt: why not yet? any problems?
rakhii: yes aunty, if i have the baby who will take care when we are at work? Will you come to <US/Canada/UK> to take care of the baby?

That might silence them for a while :cheers

 

True. Better not to speak back when its an elderly person. Its usually our parents who bear the brunt of the comments if we retort back to relatives.

Like everybody said.. Ignore. Of course its going to bring you down for a while.. But you know about your goals, your plans and your DH's plans. Enjoy the trip and you'll forget those comments when you come back.

 

Rakhi - I understand. I have been where you are. I too got married very early and did not want kids for a long while and then after we started trying too it took another long while. I had to go to India several times in all that time and that too without DH.

I always got super defensive and offensive right off the bat and so the people would stop asking right away. It was either that or be polite and get really hurt. Better to annoy them than be depressed for a week.

Here are something I would say:

' I am not a baby machine' or

' I am not a dog or a pig to have a litter every quarter' or

' This is the second millenium and there is such a thing as family planning, you know'

' We will have a baby when we are ready not when you want.'

' Why don't you ever ask this question to your son/nephew etc. instead of me? Try that and get back to me.'

' I AM NOT READY'

'What a horrible thing to say, calling me barren! At your age you need to bless and not use such hurtful words!'

Ofcourse it does not mean that some of the vipers did not call me stuff behind my back but they were afraid to do so in front of me. I had also warned my parents and my inlaws that they were not to support people saying such things. My parents would take my side because they cared about me and my inlaws would take my side because they cared about thier image.

I suggest you develop some claws of your own. Either that or you have to be ready for being hurt and depressed. I say claws are better...

 

Rakhii,

This was something even I used to tell when I was asked 1 year after marriage !!

Just like how DNM said, I used to get very very irriitated when people used to ask me that question. We got married when we were 30 and ohh.. everyone around were pouring advices about how I need to conceive the next month of marriage !!

I remember once telling a relative that, I dont like it even if my parents or inlaws were to ' interfere ' in such personal matters. I smiled very hardd and walked away..She got the message.

I was and am still of the opinion to bluntly answer those who ask such questions just to mock and not out of concern ! I hate that. Yeah, genuine people would not make a hue and cry, but would ask us in private and leave it there.

There was this aunt who had asked me wether I am going to take forever to have a baby, like how i took forever to get married.. I smiled and said no.. no, in 2 years time. I immedietely asked what happened to her useless son, wether he is still being the useless he always is ! So, everytime, she asked me or mocked me, I made sure I asked some questions.. to irritate her. Now, she kept avoiding me in my cousin's marriage !! Wonder why !!

It is upto each of us how we want to go ahead, Rakhii. I mean, we can ignore, swallow the pain, digest and what not.. but, people who want to mock will keep doing it. SO, depends on our patience.. You want to give it back, do it, instead of bottling it up within.

If you feel you cannot handle them, just move on. But for anything, you need to first talk to your inlaws and parents that listening to such things hurt you. You will do what it is , till you lose your patience, then, GOd save them !

My mom infact used to shrug many relatives herself, by telling it is cheap to interfere in such issues. As a DIL / daughter she never liked them and she will never make her daughter feel so. So, it depends on the mom and MIL a great deal as well.

Have a nice trip.. do not let anyone spoil the trip. If your hubby gets a mouthfull for defending you, then he need to make those people who gave him a mouthfull understand that no one has any right to speak like that to his wife !!

 

Some of these folks not just hurt you, they hurt your parents too.

The thing is many of us are capable of shutting them up, so they wont dare say many things to us. But when parents are alone, they'll ask them something, and then they'll manage to get the parents worried.

Even though we remind parents not to worry abt what folks say, these folks will manage to scare them when we are not around.

 

Rakhii,
I was in your boat few years ago. i recently had baby boy and its a wonderful feeling. we waited five years it was our choice to have kids once we are financially stable. now people are asking when is the second one, our people will NEVER change. we have to make the change. dont' worry about other asking you, it's normal. we have to become better at answering smart. when i went to india last time, one of my husband relative said next come three people not two. It use to bother me a lot. my suggestion would be to let them know you do have plans for kids and when it happens they will be informed.

 

Dear rakhi,

I have completed 5 years of marriage and dont have a kid as yet
Lots of problems we went through.financial,mental etc..lets not go there
Firstly having a child when why ...is you and your spouses wish and choice

Wagging tongues will always wag...They are not gonna come and look after you or ur baby
So its none of thier concern

Next time someone ask you that..tell them.
When r u planning they ask
tell them when it has to happen it will and we will let you know.

And very sweetly reply

Mami "aunty" this is a our personal choice..when we reach that stage we will share with you....

 

Rakhii,

Been there done that. We had our first child in the 6th year of our marriage. We wanted it that way and we were fine with our decision. But my goodness, I never really imagined I would be butchered so much for making such a decision!!

We love to travel and we move a lot. My husband works in a great company and we get to travel (fully paid) so much that we wanted to enjoy everything.

We started trying after our 5th wedding anniv and got pregnant the first month but I miscarried. Then all hell broke loose. My mom was crying almost everyday, she went to every possible temple and did every possible pooja for me. I was going through hell. It took almost 6 months after the miscarrige for me to conceive again and things are fine now. We have 2 kids 20 months apart and we are very happy with our decision.

I had to tell my story coz I can understand your situation. My mental peace was totally shattered and I was in depression all for my own mom. I conceived the month I decided that I am not going to worry about others and that I will do what we want. I think I just had to take the stress off my shoulders and relax. That really helped

Please dont let others disturb your peace. Ignore everybody ( I could ignore everyone except my mom!). Think about your selves since you will be the mom and not others...its a very responsible job out there.

Good luck

 

Wow rpm! that's great. Gives inspiration to people like me. I am also in 6th year of marriage and waiting to be blessed.

Rakhi, what I do is, When my or DH's aunt or grandma ask me, when is good news coming? I always say only one thing: Now that I have your blessings aunt, now it will happen soon with your blessings.

Any person will feel flattered that we are asking for their blessings and they immediately say, "Yes, it will happen very soon for you. My blessings are always with you." And I say, "Yeah, that's all I want "

So tactfully answer these questions.

Also, when in my in-laws side, I am always with my husband, around him. So I can have his support.

Don't worry. Be bold and smiling.

If you feel inside yourself that you don't have a kid yet, what will others think, then that is what will happen.

Please be bold. And smiling and cheerful as if no problem in life (although you might be hurting inside for a baby). Be lovey dovey with husband, smiling, eye contact with him etc. People keep observing. Then they will know there is no issue between husband wife, and you are so confident and strong. They will move for gossip to someone else.

All the best!

 

just say you already have a son (your DH) and your DH has a daughter (you).
or

you hardly have enough time to take care of only your DH for now.

or
you wont be able to work if you have kid, you want settle well before kids.