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Is it important i should plan sibling for my lo???

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous in Parenting' started by nehausa, Jan 2, 2011.

  1. nehausa

    nehausa Senior IL'ite

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    dear ilites,,

    My question is DO we need SIBLINGS atall?????

    Ilov my brother and he does too but i feel the distance.

    i have one elder brother in india and he has 2 kids they stay
    with my parents but he is so bussy in his life that he never calls
    me,emails me or interact just if i ask for him or if my mom gives him ph
    he will talk.


    So he is almost nowhere in my books and i dont even feel his presence
    so i was thinking is it important i should plan sibling for my lo????
     
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  2. vv123

    vv123 New IL'ite

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    Hi neha,

    I have the same issues. But the diff is I am very close to my bro (US) and sis (India). My daughter is 5yrsold and she is wanting to have a sis/bro. My husband is not much interested.. I wanted to adopt one. He is saying bringing her up was very diff.. since she is a highly energetic/demanding kid. He is saying he won't be able to balance. So I am torn apart. Adding to all this I have started working now for the last 1 month. So.. are already difficult on my part. What shall I do .. Pls illites throw some light on this.
     
  3. kAlyaniShAnti

    kAlyaniShAnti IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Neha,
    There are both sides to it. I have seen siblings staying apart but are always connected and they are the best pals. They share every joy and problems and value the suggestions they get from their siblings.

    But for my own case, I always felt the distance between me and my brother as we grew up. He started living the life in his own way and was never open to me ever since he entered 8th standard in school. I love him, he also does, I know. But he is too engaged in his own world as you said.

    I guess, this happens to many of us. But getting a companion and friend in the early childhood days is important. It even helps in building certain perspective and values in life. So whether they are pals or not in later life, it is good to have siblings in my opinion.
     
  4. nehausa

    nehausa Senior IL'ite

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    v v123 i guess we are in same boat ofcourse in india there's no shortage of helping hand
    for few bucks...you can get help.

    Kalyanishanti you sound similiar too in usa theres tons of work and 2kid is no joke..
    I love kids so i want kid for sure only if god blesses me...

    though i feel bad that
    me and my brother had gr8 bonding but just after wedding things changed he is blank
    no communication and he is just different it seems like i dont exist for him seems like
    everything is more materialistic then real pure love.

    thanks ladies i know 2 is a company.
     
  5. SupSam

    SupSam Senior IL'ite

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    nEHA AND VV....THE QUESTION THAT HAS NOW RISEN IN YOUR MIND...ITS THE SAME THAT i HAVE ALMOST RESOLVED FOR MYSELF :)
    DD is 4 yrs now..PIL's wished for a son as the first baby but they love DD equally. Now ths issue was second child which DH was always a big NO NO and I always wanted 2...but I thought I'll be abe to convince him once the right time comes but by the time DD turned 2...I too started getting double minded...reasons..and many a times these reasons are a answer in themselves -
    1. DH and mine is a love marriage after many hardships..DH has a sister..sil is of my age but married an year after us...In that 1 year, I deeply felt that DH and SIL were not practically attached to each other just that they were sibs so the so called attachement...SIL has always been sticking to MIL and both of them always had an attitude that WHATEVER IT BE...SIL is very sharp ...most mature...most beautiful...blah blah....within few mths of marriage...Calmly DH used to put past afront me of which he had given me hints even before marriage....SIL has been quite adamant...used to misbehave at times ...cold war kinda person...no one to tell her that she is wrong...
    - on contrary me, my sis n our bro are very very close to each other....the bestest of pals till yet I can say...BUT we 3 realise that since we were 3 to be brought up...in order to provide us with good education..our parents have just suffered and not lived a single day to themselves...they do not have a home to themselves till date when I am a doctor...sis is a ncely earning engineer and bro in second year of engineering..parents have never gone out of town...reason...saving for our studies..upbringing..marriages...IS THIS THE RIGHT REWARD FOR THEIR STRUGGLE...WE question them...why didnt you stop after 2 ??!!
    ONCE YOU HAVE A SECOND CHILD..NO DOUBT YOU SHALL LOVE HIM/HER EQUALLY AS THE FIRST BUT TILL THE TIME YOU DONT HAVE ONE...YOU HAVE THE DECISION IN YOUR HANDS WHETHER YOU WISH TO COMPROMISE WITH THE FIRST CHILD'S UPBRINGING,FACILITIES,YOUR OWN WISHES, YOUR LIFE...SAVINGS FOR YOUR OLD AGE...

    DH used to say what if we have a second child and it turns out to be like me and sis(my sil). eversince she got married...hardly has she ever called us up herself...she talks to mil at least thrice a day...in all these 4 yrs...whenever she comes for stay , be it for 15 days..she wont even cpme n sit in our room herself for even a total of 15 min...its we that go n sit with her..try to invlove her...everything..she comes as a guest..I till yet find this very hard to digest. Today, DH is much more closer to my sis n my bro than his own..
    DH has been the only earning member of family since teenage...managed both weddings...studies of both...all social requirements...buying of house...A-Z ....Never got a chance to live his life...n now he wants us to enjoy life..we are a middle class family of 5..we 3 n PIL...DD is one of the best schools of delhi..DH says keeping in mind the competition n inflation...if we have a second child just to give company to DD..we'll have to compromise with all aspects of our life and may be with facilities given to DD..we need to save for any hard times...her wedding..social relationship maintenance...and our old age so as we do not become a burden on any one...He says we can keep physically n mentally healthy only when we are able to lead a comfortable if not luxurious life..else stress will takes its toll on us before age..I AGREE TO HIM COMPLETELY..when I compare my parent's health n struggle to my PIL's....Till date PIL's and SIL do not understand how much DH has struggled just bcos he understood family responsibilities and how much me and DH have compromised just to be together..

    Just my personal opinion...end of the day,its a good life partner that matters and counts...I can share any damn thing with DH...although sis bro n me are very close but afer marriage, we do not even talk for 5 min daily...all of us are getting engrossed in our lives and families...but A LIFE PARTNER IS THERE FOR A LIFETIME...WE both feel, we btter give full attention and love to DD and make her intelligent n confident enough t be able to take life in her stride and be a good decision maker :)

    Sorry for the LONGGGG opinion above...lol..
    Supriya.
     
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  6. headspin

    headspin Bronze IL'ite

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    supriya, i toally agree to each word you said. beautifully expressed!

    my thoughts too are similar: yes, company to children is definitely important. but at what cost?
    though its completely an individual perspective - i would always say - give one child a quality life (in terms of education, upbringing, etc etc). and whatever said and done - money is very important in today's worl. especially to keep children happy/give them the standard normal life.
    i too have decided that i will have another child only when we are financially settled....

    only yest mil was talking about doing some investments. to which i told her that i have to work for 5 yrs to complete my financial commitments. she was like 'i think you should work for another 2 yrs, have a 2nd baby and become a housewife'... rightly said.. but i told her v clearly 'we are having 2nd baby only when we are financially settled'.. thankfully she agreed.. but lets see..

    point is: today i am working only for money. dh takes care of house expenses (we are family of 6), has resp of his sister's education still. so i do all the savings and spend for myself/baby. i can gift anything to anyone i want without asking telling a single word. but when i quit work for 2nd baby - ? no savings, added member, pil's old age sickness expenses, 1st child's school/extra activity expenses, no money for self etc etc.. ONLY BASIC LIVING...

    so if you can afford it - then have a 2nd baby. else dontbring one more person and live a restless/peace-less life...
     
  7. orion80

    orion80 Platinum IL'ite

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    In my opinion, many encourage having a second child so that the kids can give company to each other, become best friends etc.

    However i noticed that this isnt the case with many people. Most siblings hardly are best friends with each other once they start being independent. They have different friend cricles, different likes, etc. There might be exceptions but i am talking wrt what i have seen.

    Instead of opting for a second child, i would encourage my daughter to develop a good friends circle. My friends stood by me during tough times. I cannot say the same about my brother.

    Just my 2 paise :)

    -Lakshmi
     
  8. SupSam

    SupSam Senior IL'ite

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    Lakshmi...headspin.... I agree !! I am in favour of second baby but then at what cost ?!! I am 30...DD is 4 yrs...We have responsibilities like all middle class eductaed couples who wish to have a comfortable present and a safe future for self, child and family.... With all this by the end of the day...I am tired !! If we think of savings....for DD's education and some hard times, keeping aside unforeseen gud or bad times...or at least an annual vacation...or DD's marriage even, we need say at least 4-5 yrs of work...by then I'll be 35 and DH 38 yrs... if we plan a baby at that age... with all added physical, mental, financial responsibility.....we will need to keep working...saving..managing for next at least 20 yrs by the time second baby reaches college, which means I shall be 55 and DH 58...God!! means we shall be in financial hustles even when we reach an average life span of today's man with all those backaches, low vision, tiredness...etc whatever our parents have begun suffering by now :) .

    As DH says... life is to live n let live...not to reproduce n keep bringing them up...lolz...lets ladies like us...couples like us in fact pray to God that our LO's get the best life partners so as we be satisfied with our decisions of not opting for a second child just to give them company.. A renowned writer has said - First child makes you a parent ... second makes you a refree !! A family is complete even with one child as you have one to call you mum and dad and the second too would call you the same..never go for a second so as someday in life you utter the words to ur kids that we planned a sib for your company sacrificing our comfort....ITS YOUR DECISION .... NOT THE CHILD FORCING YOU.

    Supriya.
     
  9. nehausa

    nehausa Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks ladies for replying...and sharing your feelings.

    I feel torned in between dh,lo,job,2nd baby it seems like i have to do
    everything aone my dh is not a helping hand since he is working 11 hrs in day.

    he wanted no kid i convinced for one kid and now i do everything for my lo
    he's nowhere in the picture,but my lo wants baby..she loves kids.

    If second baby comes things in mycase will get worst
    @ honestly he wants a boy he feels all his friends have boy
    and he will connect more with boy or no baby.

    anyway thanks again
     
  10. orion80

    orion80 Platinum IL'ite

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    If you are feeling so much pressure with one kid, how can you manage two? Can your husband help at that time? What if he has same working hours at that time also?

    I can understand this. Even my daughter loves to play with babies and kids younger than her. I encourage her to play with small kids in her daycare. So she doesnt think too much about it now.

    It sure will. Your huband cannot reduce his working hours becoz he has a second child, right? So how can he help then?


    Having a kid is what we can decide. We cannot decide the gender. Is your husband ook if your second child is a girl? Talk to your husband about this.


    Neha,
    Seeing the amount of pressure we have nowadays, i would prefer to raise a single kid with the utmost care and attention i can give rather than go for a second kid and make life more hectic.

    Make a good choice..

    -Lakshmi
     

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