Intrusive MIL and SILs

march2901 · Oct 17, 2007

Ours is a love marriage and my relationship with SILs (3 of them) and MIL was pretty good up until wedding. After the wedding we moved to US and so did the SILs. I come from large joint family and theirs is a nuclear family (literally) not a single relationship continued despite of the fact both MIL and FIL have atleast 5 siblings (strange isn't it). Dear Hubby (DH) feels that being the only son for his parents it is his responsiblity to give them the world. Specially, MIL because she suffered a lot from FILs absence during their chilhood and also from her inlaws. Anyway, for my MIL her kids are the only good people in the world everyone else is bad (including FIL). Needless to say, she feels my 40 year old husband is a baby and I am out to destroy him (talk about paranoia). To cut long story short, both SILs and MILs are extremely intrusive of our personal life, do not care about my feelings. Recently, for his birthday I had planned an surprise romantic weekend getaway. Guess what, the entire family (3 SILS their family, FIL a total of 25 people) landed as surprise B'day gift for my hubby. My MIL landed last weekend insisting that she misses her son. She was in our house all this while planning and giving them information on what we have in our house etc etc. Although, I appreciated their effort, I was deeply dissappointed because my plans for dropped. My DH is the sweetest husband anyone can have, as long as his family is not involved. However, when his family is involved I am nobody to him. He cannot say a single word against his sisters (although they are all younger to him) or mother. Anyway, after my SILs went back to their respective places, I sent a polite thank you note along with a single liner saying that I had my plans and I would have appreciated advance notice. One of my hard headed arrogant SIL writes back implying we do not care!!!

As I mentioned, DH is extremely fine when his family is not involved. Unfortunately, the family is so intrusive that it is hard to keep them away too long. I tried talking to the SIL's husbands, they are so vexed up with their wives that they do not want to deal with this issue.
Any advice on how to handle this situation.

diana · Oct 17, 2007

Hi friend,

Read your post. To tell you the truth yours is just as common a story as many of the women's here. So you will find lot of answers given on this issue here.

As per my thoughts, in an indian marriage a woman doesnt marry a single person but an entire family. She lives her home to make a place for her in the home of her husband. It takes time and lot of effort as you are born in a different environment and the environment at ur inlaws is not similar.

Being a women what i noticed and seen that to every women if she loves/likes anyone she accepts the person as he/she is without seeing any ill/flaws in him/her. But if she hates anyone no matter how much or little good is there in the person she ignores and just HATES. This is the case with inlaws mostly SIL/MIL for them a DIL happens to be an intruder and whether u like it or not, she hates you the moment you entire their life. It takes lot of effort n time to win them over.

Coming to your case, you have two options:
1. You accept them as they are and in turn try to love them and give them importance and do not see any ill/flaws in them and try to make a place in their homes and hearts, which i guess is difficult but healthy for any relation.

2. You stay your ground and ask your hubby not to mess up between them and you. And if they are his family, you are his WIFE. So you should be given your chance to handle them, if good with good and if bad with bad. But many at times, we wish to have our way and inspite of this we want others to love/like us which will never happen. As it is not possible.

So its upto you to choose. All the Best :2thumbsup:

Diana

Sashmitaa · Oct 17, 2007

Hi,

I dont know how long u have been married. Pl give husbands some time to change. Thats all I would like to say. When you r free go thru all the previous posts in these threads.

love
lakshmi

march2901 · Oct 17, 2007

Married for very long 10 years. I feel like I waited too long, may be it would have helped if I was very firm on my stance from the beginning. I tried the ignoring technique first, then giving time, then using nice words...... I really do not want to put a strain on any of the relationships but I also realized that the resentment in me is growing by the day!!!

Mahajanpragati · Oct 18, 2007

dear friend,
after 10 yrs of marriage u should be used to their ways.see from their point of view,they planned a birthday surprise for ur husband. all 3 of ur sils & their husbands,kids must have taken leave from their jobs,schools to be with u.also they must have spent money on travelling, gifts .so i feel that u should see their positive sides.sometimes when our best laid plans get spoilt due to relative we do feel resentful ,thus failing to see the good intentions behind the act.also what can be better then to get the love & blessings of full family on 40th b'day.
also ,do not be judjemental of ur fils & mils relation with their siblings.as u have ur valid resentments towards ur in- laws ,they may also have some towards their relatives. ok none of their relations lasted uptill now ,atleast ur inlaws & family has learnt their lessons & r trying to maintain relation with in family.
in future if u make some plan which is centred around ur husband & u ,tell ur most gossipying sil well in advance so that all of them r aware of ur plans.if then also they intrude atleast u have valid reason to confront them.

Ria2006 · Oct 18, 2007

10 years-- then you can guide most of us for our troubles :-D
I may not have as much experience as you have but ignoring works just fine in my case. I mean i do things for ILs what I want to .And I make sure that we do our duties. And be nice to them. More than that if any of plans get derailed for any of their instrusion.. I just let it be.. No point wasting my mind and blood over it.
You can never get your husband on ur side for his familys' issues. So better join them and have fun.
I think arguing with someone in this context will never help. It will only worsen ur mental problems and quality of relation with them.

march2901 · Oct 23, 2007

Thanks for the suggestions.
One thing I learned from my experience is ignoring and compromising will only carry your peace for sometime. After a some time you are bound to get a break point from all the resentment that accumulates, specially you are the target for all the bad that happens!!!

sonu1973 · Oct 26, 2007

Hi

I agree with you....If u keep quiet then u are asking for more trouble...U are right u should have put ur foot down from the beginning. Also i agree that ur inlaws just want to take over their son and always want his life to revolve around them.
Yes i agree that we never marry the son we always marry the family but u can only treat them nicely if they treat u nicely i dont beleive in all the rubbish about take what they give u cause u are a dil...What rubbish and orthodox thinking....
My inlaws do the same always make sure that for every function and birthday we havee to spend with them which believe me is so bornig...but i did my duites and this year i am spendning it with my family regardless what they think....Last 2 diwallis i spent with them and last year my masi came down and all my mil did was talking about my family to her which was completely out of order.....so this year i will let my son go as my husband wants to take him but i will not spend it with those people who haev no respect for me.
My husband behaves the same as soon as his family come over he will see things that they do but will not say anything but if i say or do something i am the frist to be told but u know what i have learnt to speak for myself even if my husband doesn't as no one else will otherwise....Its never to late...dont be a doormat and speak up or they will keep doing it.
If they dont want to compromise with you why should u compromise 100% we are living in the 20th century not the 16th.

Good luck and all the best