Is this domestic abuse? plz help me

Hi All
One of my friend has also gone thru this kind of problems. my friend was married only for 2 years and they were staying in South Africa with their 1 year old kid and my friend looks physically small and never talks back very sweet person and the husband wanted to take advantage of that and started abusing her physically and orally. but she acted with lot of patience and dint even inform her parents. but her husband himself called my friend's parents and asked them to take their daughter back as he cannot stay with her. then the parents were so worried but they could not do anything as they didnt have their passports and visas to go to SA. they used to call her everyday and used to tell her to act tactfully and not to have any argument.
and when the couple came to India for vacation the girl's parents took her and her kid from the airport itself.
then the man came to her house begging and saying sorry to her parents. now he has changed a bit and they are back together in SA. I wish and hope everything is fine with them.
I suggest all the ladies should not bear physical abuse. its their right to fight back, in this modern world when u r supporing the man financially, emotionally and physically..they should also have equal respect towards u.
I could not control my tears when I watched the movie 'Provoked' its a similar story and the wife is so tormented so goes to the extent of killing her husband which a woman can never think of.
A woman can do anything if she lets herself loose. a man should remember that

 

Hi All,

This is most common in many many Indian homes. Its temper. Leave Husband in many cases his family members also try to suppress a DIL with their angry moves. I have a friend where the BIL slapped his SIL when the discussion was on the construction of the top floor house for her to live. Her husband being the younger brother was silent althrough. Sad and that was the punishment for just wanting to construct a house in the same family building to move out of joint family as agreed by the FIL.
She is an independent woman and having a well known family (both parents and In laws side are well known in the community). This is question of family "elder" bringing the lost "younger member" to the right path. In the family she is the youngest but financially independent, well educated. She can't take any step of her own for the benefit of her family, and the NAME of the family prevents her in getting help from external people.
I always think about her and keep quiet if there is a tiff between me and my Hus. I am not in a joint family but my Hus is also a yougest son and by age I am the youngest though not in maturity. Most of our decisions were for the first two years governed by FIL -MIL, BIL and SIL opinions. Now with time (5 years) I feel more mature and I see a change in my Hus. Their opinion is not our criteria now. and most importantly my Husband's support has grown for me.

I feel women folk must gather courage and along with that positive energy through prayers / meditation to deal with situations like this.

 

Hello Charmie,
The first time a man raises his hand at a woman he is testing the limits of violence he can cross. In Indian households phsical, verbal, mental and sexual abuse is all justified in the name of family honour and many women consider it to be part of married life. It is sad that educated hard-working girls of our generation too are not spared from this. Your husband definitely is physically abusing you, and you need to firmly stand up against it before it ruins your pshyce. Get the support from your parents and family. Since you have a kid you need to gather support from all family members who acknoledge your suffering. Do not let your husband's or your own family persuade you to go on living this way in the name of family honor. Next thing is your career, since you are in an abusive relationship you need to continue working as you do not know how your husband reacts in future.
As you say that your husband grew up in an abusive family, he needs some councelling. if possible persuade him to get into meditation. This can bring calm to him. As for yourself too, try to do some meditation which will definitely give you the strength to bear this problem.
I grew up in a family where my father physically hit my mother for many years . My mother is a highly educated medical doctor yet could not get out of the abusive relationship as she had no one to tell her to stand up against what she was suffering. As a result my elder sister (a well educated doctor herself) left home early at the age of 22 to join army medical service. Being away from home and parental guidance she met with a fatal accident at age 26 and lost her life. It was after my sisters death that my father realized that his behaviour was partly responsible for the tragedy in our family. But it was too late. Children of abusive marriages suffer , therefore it is best to stop oneself from falling into such a trap before its too late.
I wish you all the best and hope your husband realizes what he can lose with his temper.

 

Dear Charmie ,


I was moved to tears when I read what u're undergoing . Have faith in God and keep praying. We ILites would also be praying for you. It's good that you're going to be near your parents for some years . Hope your husband understands things soon. When he visits India , try to take him to a good counsellor. Take care and have some peaceful time when u're in India.

Rgrds,
Mallika

 

Hi Charmie,

I know exactly how you feel ..because i too faced the same situation.
My hubby tried to hit me just within 10 days of marriage ...that too ours was a love marriage.
Just like u said ...he didn’t cause injury to my body (I resisted too)
But that broke my heart...the person whom I loved dearly for 8 long yrs...hitting me...I was hurt really ..but i tht ok maybe it was my fault..my husband also apologized so i thought it was ok ...
then these things continued every time we fight ..if i say something against him or if i don’t talk 'friendly' with my in-laws he will do the same thing ..(my MIL will fight with me and treated me badly but still I have to be nice to her otherwise ..a big fight will crop up)
I didn’t know what to do ...i was really upset ..after few times I lost strength mentally and physically to resist too ...

my husband said he hits because i am doing things wrongly ...every time i hear that my blood will boil ...what am i his slave?
but i didn’t know what to do and i really loved him ....then slowly it became verbal abuse ...and emotional abuse ...like breaking things at home ..trying to hurt himself ...every time if i have to speak something to him which I know he will surely fight for ...i will hide all sharp items at home ..Because I was scared that he might hurt himself ....but after 2 -3 hrs of this shouting..he will be very loving ...that is what kept me with him ...
I thought he loved me dearly and he is short tempered that is why ...

Also I didnt know what to do we were married for a short time ..and I didnt have anybody to turn to...
But slowly I became very scared of him ...even if we go out ..i used to wonder what fight might crop up ....sometimes he wont speak to me for days ...and i live in alien country where I didnt have much friends..
if weekends or holidays come ..i will be sad that i ve to be at home ..and will be worried what fight might crop up ....

My pressure shot up high along with his pressure ...i too started shouting and talking back ....then things went out of control ...
I am now living separate from my husband ..with every hit ..he took a piece of my love for him away ...when we were in love i used to go crazy if i dont talk to him ...but now i am so scared that he would call up and try to renew our relationship ...
I didn’t have an option of going for counseling ...because my husband and his family feels all problem lies with me ..they think i am a spoilt child because my family supports me
I really wanted to go for marriage counseling..but my husband never listens to anybody other than his family ...and he is very very obsessed with his family ..

Sorry I had to bother u with my story ...I am telling all this because i dont want any women to take any kind of abuse..
I feel both men and women are equal in this world and we to have the same feelings..and both of us can express our views freely
At least in my case I dont have a kid-( ) , so i am peacefully separated from him ...but u ve to take some action ..
I know how kids from abused home grow up .. because I am one too :-( ...that trauma is too much to bear....
I cant advise you on what to do because I am also in the same situation and took a decision which I still don’t know whether is good or bad .
I shall surely include you in my prayers.
But Pls take some wise action and save your kid and yourself from agony.

 

Sweetie, what you are going through is definitely abuse. I'd like you to be aware of few things.

1. Abuse will not go away on its own. Your husband will not realize on his own that he is not behaving properly.
2. Physical distance will not automatically make him realize things.
3 You can not jeapordize your child's mental/physcial well being by exposing them to violent behaviour.
4. Anger and frustration needs to be handled in a grown up way, violence is not an acceptable release to these emotions.

If counselling is not an option, when you husband is in a good mood, please sit down with him and tell him that what you are going to disucss with him is very important for your relationship and for you and your kid's well being and for your husband's well being. Tell him that his abusive behaviour is not acceptable. It has seroius consequences on your mental and physical being and to you child's well being. If your husband is upset about something, he should talk to you, in a mature manner and that you promise to listen to him and help resolve the situation so that you guys can have a happy home. But, if he resorts to physcial violence, you will not tolderate it. Tell him that he should end the cycle of violence that he has been exposed to. The life of 3 people depends on him growing up and acting like a man. Its unfortunate that he was exposed to violence all his life, but right now he has a choice, he can either choose to perpetuate the abusive behaviour or he can make a conscious choice to be gentle and good to himself and to his family but not ever being violent. Say it firmly but in a caring voice to him. Do not cry or threaten. If he agrees/promises, see his behavious and if he is about to get violent, remind him in a firm manner of his promise to you. If he continue to be violent, please do not take it and move out with your child. A violent marriage can leave scars on kids that may never be repaired for the rest of their life.

In the meantime, do find out everything you need to, to set up a accomodations for you and your child, if you ever have to take that action and move out. Being prepared is the best thing, it will give you the confidence that you can take care of yourself and your child if things get worse. Telling your parents is ok, but you can not rely on them or anyone else to take care of you and your child. You have to be strong, wise and above all calm. Think with your heart but act with your head. This is a serious issue that unless you tackle it head on right now, will continue to resurface. You need to speak with your husband, as soon as you can. Give yourself and your child the respect you two deserve!

Best of luck and if i can help in anyway please let me know.
hugs
Bina

 

Charmie, i was reading your story and was very sad for you, i can;t believe there are people in this world that do this. please seek some support for your self. i will pray for you, i hope that you will find some peace. sash