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very tensed....

Discussion in 'Infants' started by headspin, Dec 22, 2010.

  1. headspin

    headspin Bronze IL'ite

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    not sure if this is a right forum.. so moderators, pls feel to move if its not.

    ds is 13 months. i joined work when he was 5 months. stay with in laws so mil took care of him. i work for software firm.. though working hrs were 8 to 5.30 pm, i have never followed this time. i never reach office before 9.30 am and leave max to max by 6 pm. reason: mil is not too well (see my other threads) and anytime soon/late created problems. though she never asked me to come early, she always expected it to be a 9-5 job. but i have taken many leaves(min 4 days per month), in office only for 7 hrs, never stayed later even if need arised, and never took calls from home (mil cannot manage ds after 6 pm she is too tired and incapabale).

    anyways, today i heard from my team mate that the project i work for - is going to release me. though it is no shock for me (considering my record with them for last 9 months), i cant help but feel depressed...

    its not like the company is throwing me out.. but still im feeling a bit insecured. this project was good to me, but not necessary next one will be good as well right? when they pay me big salary, obviously they wil expect more na? i have financial committments for next 4 yrs, so leaving job is doubtful. but wwondering about how to manage at home. its no point expecting anything from mil... but im scared to put ds in day care the whole day. i know every mom feels and faces this... but im very tensed...

    dont know what are my options. how do other working mothers handle this?? what should i do?
     
    Last edited: Dec 22, 2010
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  2. krk

    krk Junior IL'ite

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    You can have a full time/part time maid who can do all the looking after things for your son. MIL can just do the monitoring job. This way she may not feel stressed as she feels now. And you can also do pretty good justice to your career.

    Many of my friends and me manage this way. Maid + some one to monitor works out good provided the expectations from either side are not at extremes.

    -krk
     
  3. asha_karthik

    asha_karthik Silver IL'ite

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    If you cannot do what KRK has suggested, which is the best option, you can try daycares too. I leave my kid in a daycare close to my workplace. On the days i have this feeling of my heart melting when i send my child to school (4 years old), i simply take some excuse or the other to pay a visit to her daycare during lunchtime. I also have my 17m old DS in my workplace daycare - i can visit him just as i walk to the rest room. So daycares should work provided you find the right one thats close to your workplace.

    Alternatively you could choose a less-demanding job role until your issues at home are resolved or your kid grows a little older. As long as you make it clear to your employer that you want to take up a low key job for some personal reasons, they should be ok mostly. Check it out. all the best !
     
  4. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear,

    This is my openion.If I were you,I would not keep stress for this financial commitment.As you said in other post,you have agreement with your brothers to buy some appartment.
    Given your situation,I won't do this.
    What about yout husband?Can you both not able to share your son repsonsability?How about hiring some nanny at house?
     
  5. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Headspin, its not like you are going to loose your job na? Did you talk to your boss about this?
    What i would do is, have a one on one meeting with the boss and explain the situation at home. Most of the bosses (especially if they happen to be considerate) would understand with toddlers at home. Can you give a time frame like in the next two years you will be able to put in more hours like you used to do before? That way you can assure your boss that it is a short term arrangement and that you expect to be your previous-self in the next 1 or 2 years?
     
  6. psych

    psych Gold IL'ite

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    How about working hours after ds goes to sleep? I know this will mean you are tired but it will be a huge boost to your career as well. besides working at night is more peaceful too. I do that nowadays. Also daycare is not bad. My 2.5 DS goes to daycare and he is a happy child. couple of friends mentioned that how is my son so happy all the time? thier kids stay at home and are always cranky. My son inspite of going to daycare is always attached to his mammee. all he wants is his mammee. i am architect of my team so i used to put in lot of hours. but nowadays i clck off at 5 pm and then finsih off pending work after 9 pm (once neel goes to sleep). sometimes its very hectic and more on me but able to manage so far.
     
  7. lotusgirl

    lotusgirl Senior IL'ite

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    you have got good suggestions, but i will also reiterate on them.
    you need to look at your options -

    1. You have already committed to a venture financially. so you cant quit your job. Were you ok with not working otherwise? So for now, you need to stick to a job.

    2. As a teammember or a manager, i would not be comfortable with a member who is supposed to contribute 100% doesnt. It demoralises the team & not everybody understands your personal situation to make adjustments. Period. I am a mum, full time working person & i have had personal experience with a collegue like this & trust me, its not a good situation. You do not need this guilt on you. So by the time you are in the new project you need to sort out these issues which are running in the background so that it doesnt affect your worklife.
    Also is working from home an option in IT development in India?

    3.Maids - part time/ full time. you say your mil hasnt asked you to coem back early explicitly, so why this adjustment then? look out for maids,, ask around, check with agencies and what not..get one . either she comes early in the morn, so that you leave in time or get a full time , so that you stick to office hours. overtime is something you can always work around, but regular hours, you need to fulfill.
    OR
    Daycare-- they are not all bad. yes you will feel bad, but a tired, stressed out mother is not good too. So you have to find out a way that works out for all of you. There are lots of great mums, who leave their kids in daycare & in the end, it might just work out for you, becaue you are less stressed.. your MIL is free & shes less stressed etc.

    4. Dont expect your MIL to take care.. its your child. shes doing a favour, unless i have misunderstood & she has been the reason for not sending your child to day care or having a full time maid.

    make a compromise & it might be the best thing in the end for you , your child & your family. btw doesnt your DH take any leaves when the kid is sick or your MIL is off on her outings?
     
  8. mayavindra

    mayavindra Silver IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I can empathize with you.I was in the same situation before 3 years.My MIL used to take care of my kid but the problem was she couldn't manage both care taking and cooking.So I gave her an option of whether she wants to take care of cooking so that I could send my DD to day care or whether she wants to do the other way.She said she will take care of the kid.So I hired a maid who takes care of all household works including cooking.My MIL is now happy and takes good care of my DD.Affordibility is not a problem for you.So I would suggest that try to get a maid within couple of months and hand over all household works to her.Try to manage with your work till then.Definitely you can do it.

    Cheers
    Rama
     
  9. headspin

    headspin Bronze IL'ite

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    thank you all for the responses...
    just to reiterate:

    1. we already have a 2 maids - one a top worker for cleaning, mopping, vessels, etc. and one live-in maid who does 95% cooking(i do remaining), cleaning, kitchen, vessels, clothes etc. infact, mainly kept her so that she can handle even the baby in day time when mil is alone. if the live-in main looks after baby, who will do all the work she does??? mil cannot cook.

    2. financial committment - thats my duty and promised talk. there is no backing off from it.

    3. im not expecting anything from anyone... neither from mil nor from work to understand. but dont stop me from putting my son to daycare!!!

    4. dh stays near his work place(90 kms away) and visits only weekends or thrice a week.

    bottomline: mil CANNOT DO ANY WORK. if/when she does, i hear about her body pain/trouble she takes the entire day... i feel upset. she is not even letting me put DS in day care... im frustrated... i understand her pain.. but what more can i do?? 2 maids. mil doesnt have to do ANY WORK at all... except monitoring the baby. inspite of having 2 maids - why are we not able to manage? i really cant take her complaints... its depressing me :(
     
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2010
  10. loonypooh

    loonypooh Silver IL'ite

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    well my job is crazy too.. so much so that sometimes i am working 12-14 hrs at a stretch before deadlines....anyway
    so the best thing would be get a nanny or some arrangement to help ur MIL... you got to und she is old, so give her some helping hand.. hire some help

    if that is not an option, then go for a daycare, ... however i would any time go for option 1 since ur MIL is always around to monitor.

    i have a nanny who takes care of my DD , leaves at 6 pm but DH is around to keep her if i am late.

    so we have 3 maids,
    a cook, a nanny and the one who does vessels and mopping.
     
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2010

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