Golden Rules for every woman

DNM · Dec 3, 2010

Nakshatram,
I agree with Priya. Post this as a separate thread. We are all here to support you. Moderator, maybe you can help with the move? Thank you.

Shanthi · Dec 6, 2010

Hi Moderators,
I cannot see the first post in Golden Rules. Was trying to look at it to reply for Nakshatram's post. Is it just me , can everyone else see the first post which details the golden rules?

Thanks,
Shanthi

canreachus · Dec 6, 2010

yes here it is....i shall try the 13th one

Shanthi said: ↑

Hi ILites,
Let me first being by saying " I Love this forum!" I have been married for 6 years now. Had a love marriage. Now living in the US. Housewife for 5 years. Mother of a toddler. Do not drive. Working now :yes: So as you can imagine I've had my share of joy, tears, depression, hysteria oh what not !

When I read the posts in this forum I can totally relate to a lot of problems. I wish I could reach out to everyone, hold their hands and say, "You will come out of this crisis, more stronger than you are now!" Yes that's what happened to me and I am sure others too. Every huge problem that seems to be crushing you down and smothering you right now will only make you stronger if only you can just accept it and weather it out!

I have some beliefs that I have constructed over the course of these years that have helped me. Everyone of these rules are the result of a big problem. These are lessons that I learned the very hard way. I believe that everyone will not accept them, as to some, ... especially newly weds these may seem unromantic, cold etc. But this post will definitely help those who are already facing problems in their marriage.

1. The most important person in your life is YOU. Not your kids, not your hubby, not your parents. You will have to take care of yourself first before taking care of others you love. I learnt this after I had my baby. I had no help and I was always taking care of the baby when she was awake and cooking and cleaning when she was asleep and was miserable as I had no,life to live. Slowly I started to cut myself some slack. Started doing things I like like reading, browsing, music instead of cleaning or cooking an elaborate dinner when my daughter was sleeping. I relaxed myself and when my daughter was up I was able to enjoy my time with her. Ofcourse the house was a mess but who cares !

2. Never depend on anyone else to be happy. Never depend on anyone else to make you happy. Being happy is like a job. You have to do it. It is not optional.

3. Contrary to a lot of ideas you may have got from movies and novels accept the fact that you and your husband are really 2 individuals. Nothing bad about that. If you can accept that, then most of your problems will be solved by themselves.

4. He can have things that he likes, and you may not like them. Instead of forcing yourself do those things with him and ending up bitter, just happily let him do what he wants to and you do things you like.

5. Do not always expect him to do things to make you happy. You do things to make yourself happy. When you are happy you automatically will do things that will make him happy

6. If he us upset or depressed with something try to find out why. If he doesn't respond just let him be. Men are like that. They don't like to be talkative when they are upset. When he is better, once again let him know you are willing to listen about the problem, but if he still doens't want to talk about it, let it go! 75% of the time I don't know why my hubby was upset. I used obsess about it wondering what was wrong etc. Only made me miserable. Then finally I just let go. I let him wallow in his misery for some days and just wait for him to become normal.

7. Just because he is upset or angry doesn't mean that you have to have a long face and give him back the silent treatment. You be cheerful, doing the things you usually do! Talk to him about routine things around the house or jokes, stuff you normally talk about. Talk to freinds, play with your kids, go out for a walk, shopping etc. Use this as the time that you have for yourself ... which is a big treat for you. That way you won't be down because he is upset and he can't be upset for a long time because you are cheerful around him.

8. Now what if you are upset. Do things you love to do. Music always cheers me up. Still upset. Talk about my problem to friends. Still upset. Have a good cry ( preferably alone )... cry your heart out without any inhibitions.

9. Still upset. If this is with your husband ... write to him ... seriously a letter will help. If you talk you may cry and not complete what you wanted to say or, yell and say things you never mean or, he may not be in a mood to listen to you. With a letter you will have control over your emotions and not write anything you regret. You will already feel like you are talking to him and told all your problems. Bythis time mostly you would have overcome your sadness and a solution will slowly start forming in you. Then you decide whether you want to give it to him. He will definitely read it. If not immediately maybe when he is cooled down. He cannot misinterpret what you have written because it is all there in paper. He will read it arleast twice or more and everytime he reads it he will get a better understanding.

Still upset !!!! Go to the internet and read the news, look at pictures of a war going on, people killed in bombs, murdered, rape, child marriages, children kidnapped etc. You will feel grateful for what you have and realize how insignificant your problem is.

10. Times when you feel that you two are caught up in a routine and don't really spend time together just drop all your work and go and give him a big hug and a kiss. Don't wait for him. This is your happiness too. Go and do something about it. Then go back to your work. You make a practice of this you can see the difference.

11. Do not worry about what others say or think. Do what you feel is right for you without hurting others. You are the only person you have to answer to and also the only person who have to be better than.

12. Your child is your responisbility. Your kid shapes her thoughts, habits and beliefs of the world, about herself around you. So whatever your life maybe like portray a confident, brave, loving and cheerful parent before her. More than an expensive education or great savings your child needs to see her parents happy. That is the foundation for them.

13. If you feel that your husband is not taking care of the kids and you are overloaded just drop everything and 'become' sick for a day. You will be surprised how well your husband can take care of things around the house. They are just lazy and know that they have a choice. If they don't do it you will. But when you crash he will rise to the occasion. This is 100% true. Everything has to be learnt. Soon your kid may want dad for certain things and you will be more relieved

I have written things that came to my mind. Not everyone will agree with me. But I am writing this because I am sure this will help lost of women out there.

So be happy and confident and everyone around you will follow suit.

Love.:wave
Click to expand...

Shanthi · Dec 6, 2010

Hi Nakshatram,

Can't say I was a bit shocked by this ......

"Today I read the golden rules. Let me say this. I strongly disagree with points 1 and 2, while largely agree with the rest of the 19 points. I cannot see my mother agreeing to the first two points either. It is terrible you preach such dreadful ideology. Knowing her well, I know, my wife will agree with your first two points and will not agree with most of the rest. "

I have not been very active in IL for a while now and hence the late reply. You will see in my post when I started I did say that this would seem cold hearted to unmarried or newly married people. I don't blame you, if I had read these rules when I was unmarried or newly wed or even a few years into my married life I would have thought the some points to be cruel too. After 6 years of marriage and so many ups and downs I came to these rules, just by pure experience. When I was reading the various postings in IL I saw so many women with same problem that I had. I couldn't take it after a while and hence I wrote out the rules.

I am not preaching an idealogy. I have given people the benefit of my experiences. If it works for them they take it. These rules have enriched my life. It hasn't turned me into a cold hearted selfish woman. But it has made me a self confidant happy woman. I will have to be that first before I can be a wife and a mom. I will have to have something in me before I can give to my family. I love my family and they are my life, I wouldn't last a second without them. I need to be there for them and care for them. I need to be strong for that. Being a mom is a really hard task. These rules turned me from being a whiny, nagging, clinging, needy and unhappy wife into someone who is self sufficient in so many ways. I go back and read those rules myself so many times, especially in times of trouble. They have served me well and I stand by them.

I am very sorry about your situation with your wife. Abuse is abuse, doesn't matter if it is handed out by a woman or a man. Any advice can go either way, depending on the person. If your wife agrees with my rules, I hope she understands that she is being hard on you and not reinforce her current behavior. Not once in my posting have I endorsed a dominant behavior by women or men for that matter. As far as your mom, read this posting to her. You may never know she may agree with the rules.

I am not being defensive here. I am not upset either. Just felt like explaining things to you. At first I thought maybe because you are a man you cannot accept it. To be frank I know that my husband may not understand the rules and may think that they are harsh just like you. But my post was nominated for 'Finest Post' by a man. So there you have it. I have learned not to generalize men. So please do not generalize women. There are always exceptions.

Maybe I should have named the posting as Golden Rules as they could be useful for both men and women. Please do think about it.

Shanthi.

Shanthi · Dec 6, 2010

Can see it now. Thanks moderators and canreachus.

hema76 · Dec 6, 2010

beautiful words , i am sure u wil be a good partner ,

every women want to me a good partner but due to the situation and without proper guidance some women just killing their marriage life by their activities ,ur words are being a good guidance for all those
according to me husband and wife relationship is more than all .

anasuyagunti · Dec 8, 2010

hi Shanthi ..........
i have seen all your point in my life also.Your rules are very inspiring,Thank you very much.Lets all of us start living for ourselves first..............
good luck....:thumbsup

Anasuya

ennakshatram · Dec 8, 2010

Hi Shanthi:
Thanks for your explanation. I put my pain on display through another thread entitled Sad Life. I heard a lot from so many people. Thankfully, my case appears to be an exception. So, my opinion shouldn't count. I am beat up, and beat up thoroughly emotionally. I believe the source of the abuse meted out to me consistently comes from cold hearted selfishness. Some people point out it is because of my ineptness. Sorry for saying you preach selfishness. That is a poor choice of word on my part. It is great you came up with so many other useful points. Thank you again.
-Nakshatram

radiance · Dec 28, 2010

good compilation.. good work..

Swethasri · Dec 29, 2010

Hey shanthi, i 1000% agree withyou.u wrote what are all in my mind at present we have to live for ourselves obsulutely correct!!! Same 6 yrs of marriage saw so many ups and downs and having 5yr old kid with DS with very bad delayed milestones but iam not worried abt him becoz i have faith on GOD.he showed me so many ways to cheer me up and one of the way is spending meaningful time in INDUSLADIES.and today only i saw this thread and really impressed with all u r rules.though i cant implement in my life immediately,i will have these in my mind.

And the excellent rules which i liked most is the 3rd point"the fact that you and your husband are really 2 individuals" this is absolutely right not only emotionally but also spiritually.

The 9th rule,i did that also but he dont want to understand my emotion,what can i do then i just left him,thats it.

Anyway very good, share more u r experience shanthi.i agree with u r statement for newly married and unmarried.

Swetha