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Dominating Inlaws and husband dances to their tunes

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by rescue, Sep 11, 2010.

  1. rescue

    rescue New IL'ite

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    Hi tulipzz.. My issue is .. my in-laws are very partial when it comes to SIL and my BIL ( Atleast now coz he is not yet married) .
    Also my MIL is a person who defn wants everything done her way and would never ever allow anyone to do anything of their own. (Including her daughter and sons) .
    Also a very very silly incident which would give an idea of how my MIL is partial to SIL .. It is just one of thousand incidents which happened..

    This happened when I was pregnant with my daughter. I was in my ninth month .. so me and my husband bought a dress for our unborn child for her first photo before we headed towards the hospital ..
    And my husband out of excitement told his mom that he bought a dress for his unborn daughter ..The phone was in speaker .. Can you guess my MIL response? Why did you get a dress now.. You started getting now itself..You should have first bought for your sister .. She is also a baby who grew before our eyes. Do you remember that .. So whenever you want to get something for your daughter remember tht you should get first for your sister.. She is a baby..(BTW she is doing her collg)...
    And my husband's response for these words... Oh sure mom.. yeah she is a baby..

    And also MIL suggested my husband to add his sister's name as Beneficiary for my husband. And my husband did that..

    Sio I just want to be more practical so that I don't repent later...
     
  2. rescue

    rescue New IL'ite

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    Yes they are crazy and that too when it involves their parents .. My hubby defn would not understand it .. He is a person who thinks that DIL should always agree to the rules of In laws and and he thinks DIL are there to serve the inlaws. He would be totally out of control when I say anything abt his parents . So I really can't say that it would be shared equally by his siblings.. I defn dont think he is a person who would think like that .. Coz in the first year of mmarige I have listened to his views.. But lately there has been lot of brainwashing by his mom.. I say this coz.. lately before we went to our India vacation my husband took fights out of nothing saying that girls should be like this that and DIL should be like this .. I should do all this to my inlaws and stuff.. and when I reached India I heard the same words from my MIL ...
     
  3. rescue

    rescue New IL'ite

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    Exactly .. I too think the same thing.. How can my husband at times dance to the tunes of my inlaws which anyone can undertsand it is defn not correct...Know what blood is thicker than water...
     
  4. rescue

    rescue New IL'ite

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    This is what exactly I tried the first time when we bought a land.. Even my husband would say still that it is for our daughter .. But he still thinks it should be in our inlaws name..
    Some men don't change.. That's why I wanted to ask you ladies if you have any another way I can make my husband understand ..
     
  5. mridusudha

    mridusudha Silver IL'ite

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    May be you can explain him saying that In-laws are old and may not be around FOREVER. So it is better to have the land in your DD's name. And this can be used for her education later on.



     
  6. YingYang

    YingYang Senior IL'ite

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    If they are saying buy land on their name and then they will transfer. Mostly it will never happen....
     
  7. Renu1999

    Renu1999 Bronze IL'ite

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    If you dont like to keep the jewellery with your inlaws....please dont keep it with your parents also...Isnt it hurtful for MIL to see that her DIL takes the jewellery from them and puts in her moms locker??? so what ddoes that show?? that you trust your parents more than the MIL?? that means you dont trust your extended family? i.e your husbands parents? that surely will create lot of friction

    I am sorry to differ from your view on the point above.
    1. It is the parents who give jewels to us not inlaws in that case I dont understand why one should not keep with their parents.
    2. why do you think it is hurtful to MIL? is it her jewels why does she bother where we keep it.
    3. what is wrong in trusting mother more than MIL . if we know MIL only for few years or during those years if trust is not established whats wrong in not trusting somebody. Do we have trust in everyone in the world?
    I dont understand when people (MIL) create fuss in these things?
     
  8. sadwife

    sadwife Gold IL'ite

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    They say they want the land on their name first, then will transfer.
    Why your husband doesn't understand there's something 'fishy' gona happen?
    Why do they want others to buy land on their name on the first place??
    And then say will transfer later?
    WHY? Might as well buy on your husband's name right????
    I 'seriously' hope your husband will soon stand up (fight/speak) for his own rights. :hide:

    Rescue,

    You better fight for your rights.
    It's your right where you wanna keep your jewels.
    It's your right not to spend your savings for a land that would be under your PILs name.
    Even if they agree to buy it under your husband's name (so that you use your savings), I think they will ask him to transfer it to their name (after you have invested your money) AND YOUR HUSBAND WILL OBEY THEM. I think you must tell them you will use your savings only if the land is bought under your name.
     
    Last edited: Oct 7, 2010
  9. Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Rescue,

    I thought that I was reading one of my old thread here... Yes, your case is almost similar to what I have faced with my inlaws and DH last year with my long distanced marriage life. But thank God, now I have taken all the controls (except a few minor inteferences) of my life and living peacefully:)

    Well, I used to think that I am overeacting or expecting too much from an Indian husband. Basically I am from a very modern family from a city, whereas my DH is from an orthodox Hindu family from a small town. That's what the "main reason" behind our marital issues.

    I have seen many DILs in this forum and outside (though they are heighly qualified with an excellent paycheck) that they still bend backward to all the orders of their MILs. They just bear all the taunts and maintain their calm eventhough the inlaws comment bad about their FOOs or character. Recently I went through a thread about Dominant/arrogant MIL's issue, where the MIL has finally complained that her DIL must have mixed some chemical stuff in her coffee to kill her and the drama went on like that. The DIL was a working woman, but apparently she was doing all the chores at home and doing the servises to her inlaws like a servant... But all what she gained was a bad name and some faul talks about her parents.
    But just because her DH asked her to apologise and obey her inlaws (though she wasnt doing anything bad), she immediately did so. Her reasoning was so much.. and all were in good intention:)

    I think our inlaws should be expecting the same type of DILs and hence they play all these silly dramas to change us. But it is impossible for me:(

    Coming to your case:-
    1) Jewellary matter:-

    Sorry Srividya to have a different view in this:
    I agree to some extend that you need to keep your jewells and other documents in your own locker and not with inlaws or parents. But it doesnt applies to everyone.
    In my case, I used to work in Sudan and travel back and forth to my mother land once in 2 months on short vacations. During this, sometimes I get invited for family gatherings, weddings and parties to which I need my jewells as a new bride. But unfortunately I usually land in India just one or half day prior to the function and really I had no time to wait at the bank for the jewells. And most of the time I really failed think in advance that I need my jewells for those occations, as I used to be so busy with work and ticket booking/travel arrangements and all.

    Those days, I kept my jewells at my MIL's locker... But when I asked her to bring my jewells for the functions (of course with short notice), she used to say that she is sick or tired, so she cant go to the bank:bonk
    Then she somehow convince my DH by saying that I dont need gold jewells for this function as only few people attend to this...etc..etc.. She decides whether I need my jewells or not... This always pisses off me.
    If i say anything, she says that I must have told her in advance, so that she can go to the bank on the most convenience day. She is not my servant and so she cant go back and forth to the bank whenever I need my jewells.
    But she has taken the same jewells for her cousin's wedding day function without even informing me:bonk (such things will never happen with parents)

    So I decided to take all my jewells from her and kept them all at my mother's locker (under my joint name). Now I have no hesitation in asking my mom to take my jewells even at short notice. I am so comfortable now, as my mom has no issues in helping me.
    Now I am pregnant, and I am so tired and sick (lazy) even to go to the bank, so I can easily ask my mom to help me anytime with the jewells.

    I know she is very upset and totally against my decision. But I clearly told her that I need my jewells to be kept in a locker in an reputed bank. I dont care it is under whose name.. Both my MIL and mom are same to me, but I consider the easy accesibility and my comfort level. Due to the past events, I feel it is much easier if the jewells are kept with mom than MIL (since she gets sick all the time and not find it easy to go to the bank for me). I strongly told this to my DH also.

    It is your jewells and you need to think what suits you better. Like my DH used to leave his motor bike at his parents' home when we go out of the city. Because he thinks his brothers or dad can take care of the bike and do necessary servises on his absence than my family members. It is his comfort level and I have no say in that.
    Similarly I have left my personal laptop with my sister and not with my SIL when I went abroad. It was my choice. That's all. You need to be strong in that.. Rescue.

    2) Land matter:
    I too faced the same issue last year when we bought a new land for us. I always wanted to invest my money in a land which is closer to one of my best friend's home. Also that place is close to my FOO, cousins as well as inlaws (we all live in a same city now).
    But my DH said, investing in land is just waste of money as we are not going to settle in India in the near future, so I kept on postponing my wishes for him.
    Suddently oneday, my mom called me and said that my FIL and DH were checking for a land deed and she accidently saw them in the town. She asked me whether I am going to buy a land? I had no clue on that. I was in Sudan by then, so I called up my DH and asked him about this matter.
    Then only he accepted that he has decided to buy a land (very expensive one) next to his parents' home (which wasnt my choice) and checking the deed before investing. I was damn shocked.
    The next day, he called me and said that he has bought that land jointly in his and his dad's name (as I was not in India by that time) and will change the title on my name soon.
    I didnt even know the exact place of the land, but 100% of the money for that investment was taken from my own hard earned money (from joint acc).

    It was hell... I dont even like to remember those dark days. I was damn shocked, cried and felt like a piece of furniture in my DH's life. I found no valid reason for this act.. He could have waited till I come to select and buy the land, as I used to visit India in every two months. But this man blindly nodded his head to what his cunning dad demanded. Because he is used to listen to his dad like this since birth, so didnt felt the use of consulting his wife for anything.

    Due to all this, I resigned my job (infact tood a long break) and moved back to India. I told my DH that I resigned my job because my DH is not a strong fellow, he is not on his own, then how can i leave my marriage life behind with someone's control. If my DH is not strong, then why shouldn't I take the control of our life? Why should I let an outsider (my inlaws) to control us. That's why I moved back.. But I will surely resume my career once I completly give my life in the hands of my DH with full of trust and confidence, which is lacking now (as he breached his promise of the marriage day).
    I made him change the titles and controled all the investments and savings. Everytime there was a fight, argument and tears, but I was so strong in my view.
    After sometimes, my DH understood the value of marriage life and started discussing everything with me first. He knows that I will get damn hurt and behave like mad if he doesnt follow the marriage rules. So he silently ignores his parent's suggestions now.

    3) To name the kid:-
    I am pregnant and like you I too have lots of personal preference about my kid's name. Since our's is an inter religious marriage, we have decided to name our kid with a common name (not too religioustic) but to satisfy both the religion. And there will be two names (first and middle) for the kid plus his surename.
    I am busy in looking for christian type name (not too religious though) and my DH is doing his job in finding a Hindu type name for the kid. Meanwhile, my MIL has selected a name (typical Hindu name of God Shiva) for the kid and forces us to put that name. My DH was trying to convince me, saying that his choice too was the same, hence we should fix this name. I was damn irritated and said NO.
    MIL has got 3 opportunities to name her kids and her time is over now. Its my first kid and my chance to name. I cant call my kid with an unwanted name and I am the one who is going to be with my kid more times than my MIL. Its our business to name our kid and raise them up. MIL or mom or anyone can suggest, but the decision should be ours. So I openly told her that we have already selected a name and its is secret for now. I told this in a very polite manner.
    Also I told my DH that if he wants to put his mom's selection of name to the kid, then I will also put my mom's selection of the name as the first name. Then the kid's name would be something like jesus Shiva and extremely reliioustic... I dont want to punish my kid to satisfy my ego, so he too needs to understand that. He accepted and agreed to fix a name as we discussed before.

    Inlaws will be acting like this all the time.... We cant change them... But you need to be strong and straight forward. Be mature and then act like one.
    If you bend backward for all of their demands, then they will expect the same from you all the time.
    Some people can live an adjusting type life, but some are not. I think you and i are the latter, hence we must stand up for our rights NOW. If not now, it will be never.

    If you are ok with listening and adjusting, then go ahead, but do not do this for the sake of maintaining the peace at home. One day you will be running out of fuel (patience) and that day all your frustration and helplessness would affect your whole life.

    This is the right time you should open your DH's eyes. Tell him that you need to be consulted and your decisions in everything should be considered as priorities... Your MIL/FIL/SIL or BIL can comment/suggest but the decision should be yours (you/DH).

    If he says anything negatively, then you can always pretend to do things with your own parents and friends in your own way, so that your DH will get to see the point in your talks. That might help him change. Good luck:)
     

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