Will a Brahmin husband ever understand his non-brahmin wife?

Dear non brahmin,

there is no set of rules being a brahmin or non brahmin- it is just an alter ego. did you father did not wear the sacred thread when he got married to your mother. your DD has forgotten some basic principles. a male chavanistic person very means. let him do what he wants with his parents and you should not allow your self to be lockd up in your room, are they treating you like a dirt. by the way what are their behaving patterns with the kids. you draw a laxman rekhs and say that this portion of the house you will work ad the other i will work we are here to share. please put your foot dowm i may be in doubt - your DH must be having a slight sadistic pleasure in trying to hurt you or finds pleasure in seeing getting hurt/sad. do not allow him to trample. fight for your rights. please do take up a job and force your MIL to be a care taker or baby sitter as these are her sons children.
Hence tie your shoe lace and punch them whenever necessary.
[ i am also a brahmin - but i cannot tolerate these men who think of themselves to be super what??] it is the question of money that is being slightly implied. call your parents - there are so many reddy girls marrying brahmin boys and most of them undergo your sort of problem.

i pray to god all will end for the good. Cheer up and go

 

NonBrahmin,
I can imagine your situation verymuch.
Sorry, your mind is thinking toomuch about caste system??Did he tell you anytime or shown discrimination??
I am also from Andhra, but dont you guys know that before marriage that you are going for intercaste?
How come you are too foolish by accepting kids immediately one by one?
Marriage can't be built on agreements but on Trust.
Let your inlaws come and stay, what the big deal?? They seem to be pretty orthadox, and so they are.
You can't question them as its their son's house too.
Are they not affectionate towards your kids??
Didn't they speak to you during this period??
Are you sure that they din't disclose that their son got married till now??
For now, let them go for sight seeing, if possible join them, you can also get good relaxation along with kids.
But later check with your husband that if at all they wanted to have a next visit, they have to invite you for their house and treat as DIL.
Anyways, they are not rolemodels, if they don't invite you that doesn't mean that you should n't invite them.

 

Wow, this is a mess of your own creation.

You went for a "love marriage".... yet were not even in love with him! So dont you think it would have been better to opt for an arranged marriage where at least your parents and husband's parents got along and accepted you? I don't get the point of going for an intercaste relationship with so many problems before the wedding itself, when the couple is not even in love! Doesn't make sense!

Next big problem, is he's mentally unstable. You married him because he tried committing suicide. That shows he is willing to go to any lengths to get what he wants and is not afraid to manipulate everyone around him. You saw that you were engaged to a manipulator, so what did you think you were going to get as a husband? A charming level headed guy? Think again.

Ok, so you got married, but things were not going well. Yet you STILL had not one child, but TWO! Uh..... what?

And now you are kneck deep in soup wondering how to fix things. Well, these compatability issues should have been looked at before marriage. Or at least before starting a family. I really don't know what to tell you now.

I guess there is no stopping their arrival. So see how it goes. If your inlaws can behave themselves, you won't have a problem. But if they start misbehaving with you (which I think they will) you will have to decide how to tackle that with your dh. Like you could tell him, "See, I gave this a try with your parents but they are causing too much problems again. Please don't invite them again unless they can change their ways." The problem is.... that kind of reasoning only works when you have a REASONABLE dh who respects your feelings. I think your dh is neither reasonable nor respectful. So it's doubtful he will care a crap even if you reason with him. Why? Because now he has a wife AND his parents. Now that you're tied to him with two kids, he knows your stuck so he call his parents over whenever he pleases. Think... did he want kids because he is old, or because he wanted to make it hard for you to ever leave him? Seeing how he pressured you into staying in the relationship via suicide threats, there's no doubt in my mind the kids are just another of his bargaining chips to keep you in the marriage.

So, it is what it is! Why should he keep his word to you when it was all lies to begin with? Why should he keep his word when he knows you won't leave because of the kids?

The only thing you have left is communication. You can try talking things out with him. MAYBE (like 2% chance) he will understand your perspective and change. Otherwise, maybe you will have to think of an alternative, like when his parents are over, you go to India to be with your parents, and only come back when his parents have left.

Sorry to say, the writing was on the wall. These problems you are having now, could have been forseen from the engagement itself, if you had just opened your eyes.

 

NB,

The problem is not Brahmin and Non Brahmin. The issue is with you and your husband. Any family gets upset with love marriage. It looks like you are thinking all the problems are because of the caste. No.

My cousin sister married a NB 40 years back. She was treated badly even though they lived in US. Whenever her MIL came, she use to cook only meat and picked on my cousin. It took few years and my cousin's husband didn't get involved. After few years, there was no problems at all.

When our kids especially son has love marriage, the parents get upset. Support him. Slowly with your kindness, try to make hm understand your issues. Show respect to your in laws. They will change. I am a Brahmin , but my family has so many non brhamin, non tamil daughter in laws. Everyone had issue in the beginning, no things has changed.
Patience. Don't think because you are not a brahmin, you are lower. If just get over the feeling, things ill better. don't feel sorry for yourself.

Good luck.

 

Your in-laws are aweful ...no two opinions about it, but you have to understand your husbands situation

a) your husband cant change the way his parents think period.

b) He can't give up his parents. They have given him everything he ever needed, its his time to take care of them

You have to understand that it is a very difficult situation for your husband to be in, coz he cant dictate how they behave and cant leave them alone at this age...

Can you filter out the inlaws problem? Just drop your ego and suck it up. From the way you described it, doesnt look like they will be visiting that often.

Finally, judge your husband based on his relationship with you when his parents are not around and then decide the next steps

 

Ok even before I start talking about your husband, YOU also need a major major attitude adjustment.

Your father didnt like him because he is a Tamil brahmin. Period. But he gave in because your husband came home, begged, discussed, asked permission. But did you anytime talk in the same way withyour inlaws? Did you do those exact things like begging/trying to convince them/ show them your side as to how you love him??? because seems like here you want your husband to manage both sides??:bonkisnt it too much to ask?

Also by the way if you think he is big time in to brahmins etc..etc..why do you have to highlight this point about how TOP your caste is??? who cares isnt it? if you make it like a biggie? he sure is ensuring you understand how big is the Brahminism caste:hide: .

I guess first of all there are lot of things that you have to do and understand and adjust before you ask him to do it from his side.

could you please list those things that you have done to make his parents understand i.e talking to them, trying to assure them that you would surely respect their tradition etc..and also that you would learn what they want you to.

Last but not least, even beofre you both were on the same page about this caste, you both got married..first mistake. Then you went ahead with pregnancy because he asked...second mistake.

You are saying that he wanted it, he asked it for everything in the post...so why not do what he wants or asks now about his parents? why give up or pick up fights at this instance.

If you had not said NO to marriage, even before understanding his side of the family/traditions/story, and if you had not waited how you both would gel after marriage even before youplan to have kids, then why pick up fights and arguments now? why not do things as per what he wants? whats harm in there? either you follow totally or dont follow totally and voice your opinion. You chose to follow..then follow!

Also what happens at your inlaws hosue or in your house i.e you and your husbands house is none of your parents business. If they are unhappy no one cares. Basically dont let their opinion spoil your peace of mind. You have to find and ask yourself...is this what you/your husband wants? if yes then move forward for the sake of your love i.e your husband and kid. If you think you cant adjust/ settledown with something, talk to your husband and resolve. Dont make it like an argument over caste. or like a battle field about two diff. castes.

If a man has to help hsi wife, how would he do things? depending on what he saw at his parents place (just like the way you will do as per whatyou saw at your parents place) so why look at it from caste angle again?

Am sorry to say this again..basically unless you STOP your viewing angle at this way...things wont appear to be the other way round. If you are bent up on seeing as if he likes only brahmins, he would have never chosen to marry you in first place. Yes there are such orthodox people too. So give him a break and try to see his view point.

Now coming to your inlaws...love/arranged..do you think these inlaws issues are not there in every marraige?? time for you to read other posts here. Even in arranged marriages with in the same caste, same religion people go through same type and exact issues. so who will such DILs blame?? the caste? or the inlaws? or the husband?

So come out of this caste angle and look at what he is trying to do/say/convey. Support him whereyou can and put down your foot and state WHY? where you cant. Dont make it like a fight with him for the parents issue. finally parents would be around for couple of years but after they are gone, you would be left with your husband only. remember that. you had very short time to build your relationship even before you had build a strong foundation there are lot of external factors that has come in...kid, your parents, his parents etc...so take one step at a time and please please STOP this caste angle and discussions.

The way you mentioned TOP caste that itself shows how inferior you are feeling. Doesnt matter whether they are making you feel that way or looking at you feel that way. Basic Bottom line here is...Your husband loved you and married you!! That should shut them up whoever asks you or talks to youa bout your caste.

See as far as parents looking after our kids is concerned, unless you and your husband are on the same page and understand each other how can he agree to what yous ay? basically you are only saying that you are fighting/arguing with him on this every day? so will that resolve in any way? How about discussing what he watns from you, and what you want from him, keep parents issues aside. Tell him atleast now how you want to raise your kids, STOP teh castism thing. Ask him how he wants to raise kids. Wherever its not matching, discuss and resolve. dont push things on each other. Wherever you thought you had agreed and given up your happiness, basically they are the major things you shouldhave put down your foot on..i.e marriage and kids..but if these 2 major things happened and you want to fight and quit over the future decisions, might be time for you to rethink your priorities?

If caste is not so important to you, then why not follow his? then why not let go of all this which way to raise or what to raise? did you guys discuss all this even before marriage? so if your inlaws dont touch your son , then you should create a situation where they should be taking care of your son in your and your husbands absence and let your husband see how they take care of your son. All these things wont resolve or the truth wont come out immediately..it takes time. So give time for your husband to see and prioritize. Dont push to resolve everything on one day.

 

Dear,
please note it is your life and you must decide. it is irrelevant to what caste one belongs. it is life . we can advise you but it is you who is in the actual situation.think calmly and take a break. i would advise you to take a job and leave other things time. it is a slow healer. all the best for your future

 

First of all , take that thought " I am non Brahmin or My husband is a Brahmin " out of your mind . Brahmin is a way of life , life led close to God , you too can lead a Brahmin life no one has stopped you.
Next , even in case of brahmin girl marrying brahmin boy , most in-laws think they are superior brahmins and try to look down the at the girl's ( her parent's) traditions or way of brahmin hood.
About in-laws liking or not liking your kids ... most MILs though DIL and MIL are of same caste , will not not disclose their affection towards their grand kids .. since some part of their mind it is strongly set as "DIL's kids" !! So if they are annoyed with you , that will be shown at your belongings as well ( ur kids , ur parents , ur relatives ur cooking ur way of life etc ..)
So the above mentioned problems exist in brahmin marring brahmin , family as well , so dont worry.
What you can do is -
I am sure ur husband loves you a lot , going against caste , parents and convincing ur parents I am sure lot of hard work is put in ur marriage ... n a woman must marry a man who loves her , its the best for her. So I am happy to know that ur husbnd was in love and convinced you to get married. At the same time no one has any rights to separate anyone from his or her parents , please imagine yourself without being in contact with your parents for 8 yrs !!! Please understand his feelings and let him have a happy relation with his parents and digest the fact about in-laws behavior towards urself and see all possible ways to give them love and try to change their view towards you. If nothing changes then keep quite dont bother at all. Focus ur attention on kids and their upbringing , get busy with reading or some hobbies ! Every opportunity try to love and understand your husband. Dont even think of leaving him.