Physical Intimacy Issues- good marriage counselor/therapist ?

shrikala · Oct 3, 2010

1dropLove said: ↑

he's been very shrewd to me,silent treatment.....but again i wonder what makes him tell me that he loves me?(especially every 2-3months) pls some1 shed light on this too.why would u say that to someone with whom you live like a stranger/neighbour?
Click to expand...

love, my opinion is, he might be torn between this feeling where you thinks showing love is a sign of weakness, fear of being taken advantage of or being ridiculed at, and the love itself. it takes a lot of effort to hide all your emotions and instincts to guard what you believe as selfrespect. sometimes you let all your guards down and you show the love and later repent and go back into that shell and behave all tough.

infinitehopes · Oct 4, 2010

IG,

The reason I thought of asking that was because its a bit odd for a man to ask that.

Also, the frequency in first 6-9 months is also not suggestive of keen interest. So it is possible that he is basically less interested. But if he is ready to do it to satisfy his wife (OP), then may be gradually OP can introduce variety to keep it interesting and he may develop a taste for it.

parvathi1980 · Oct 4, 2010

Dear Praks,
Do what the other members are telling...Ur dh needs professional help. Frankly i don't think once or twice a week is a lot in the first few months of an arranged marriage as well. I think Indianguy has given u some very good advice. Go for it.

Rakhii · Oct 4, 2010

Like everone said, convince him for professional help. That will also rule out the possibility that he is attracted to same sex (please dont get me wrong for saying this).

indianguy2010 · Oct 5, 2010

infinitehopes said: ↑

IG,

The reason I thought of asking that was because its a bit odd for a man to ask that.

Also, the frequency in first 6-9 months is also not suggestive of keen interest. So it is possible that he is basically less interested. .
Click to expand...

yes, IH, I agree with you. That frequency (twice in a week) in the first six months , to me, also is not suggestive of keen interest. A man is supposed to initiate it more frequently in that initial few months.

You are right.

payalg · Oct 5, 2010

One question to ask is :

a) Does your husband satisfy himself through other means (m****). No guy can stay for that long without a release through some means.

b) Does he not feel the need to satisfy himself at all. No release at all

If the answer is a, its a mental problem and counseling can help. If the answer is b, it may be a physical problem and he may need to see a doctor.

Good luck

praks · Oct 5, 2010

Thank you everyone for your suggestions and advise. It was very helpful and opened my eyes making me realize that even now something is possible.

So I took an appointment with a marriage counselor but she is an American. I am searching for an Indian Marriage counselor but all I can find here are American and Chinese. I thought an Indian will be better able to understand us but let us see how this goes.

I am very sure that my husband is not gay. You can know that after spending 3 years with a person under one roof. And like I told he cannot hide and do anything. Both of us are very open and share everything.

After reading all the posts I have understood that it might be a physical problem because I do not think he satisfies himself through any other means (m**) nor is he into ****. So the only conclusion that can be made is that his desire level is very low. And may be for the initial 6-9 months he did it for my sake (it was less than twice a week)

I am surprised because all my friends also in their first year of marriage did it very rarely (few of them once in a month). This forum has opened my eyes and made me realize that I am in an abnormal situation. I pray and hope that everything becomes fine because there is still love and friendship between us.

Also just wanted to know if marriage counselor is ok or should I go to some kind of doctor, sexologist?

anxious · Oct 5, 2010

Intimacy Issues

Hello Everyone,

I am an old IL member writing with a new username to protect my original identity.Wanted to get your ideas on a problem I have been facing.

IndianGuy if you read this, please refrain from posting your views.

DH and I had a love marriage about a decade ago. A lot of love and mutual respect lead to the marriage. But we never had what you would call an active sexual life. Once a week if DH took the initiative, more like once a month if left up to me.

It's not that DH did not want it, but more that, even though I loved him with the bottom of my heart, he did not do anything for me to physically excite or arouse me. It was always about him and what he wanted. I bought books, spoke to him, sent him emails explaining what he needs to do. But it was like throwing a book at a blank wall. He'd try for awhile and then it was back to the same old "wham bam thank you mam goodnight I am off to sleep." In every other aspect, he was and he is a model husband so I just resigned myself to a life of complacency in the bedroom department.

After the birth of a child, the frequency came down to a few times a year. and then even less because of a major fight that hapened a year ago for which I have still not forgiven him - he raised his hands on me in front of the child. even though he has apologized and is a role-model father and husband, I have not gotten over it and have been using it as a silent reason to thwart his attempts to initiate intercourse.

in addition, I am over-weight and him calling me fat on occassions did a number on my self esteem. when he asks for sex, I feel that he asks me just because he has a physical need to fulfill and not because he loves me or is attracted to me.

adding to my woes is the fact that after the child birth, my privates are less lubricated, and intercourse became more painful. I tried using lubricants but dh did not like them because it made him climax faster and he was not too happy about that.

Now our child is almost 2 and we have a zero sex life. my husband keeps asking every few days and I point blank keep refusing him because of what he did last year, because I know it will be the same boring routine, because I know what I asked him to do for me will not happen and because I know that it will cause me physical pain. I feel sorry for my dh because I am not being a true wife to him, but still, I cannot get myself to be intimate with him for the reasons above.

I spoke about this to my ob-gyn and she told me to just indulge in foreplay but as I said, my DH is not very cooperative on what I need to get into the act.

I really don't miss the sex to be honest but I know it is not fair to my husband. He is a really wonderful guy but someone who just does not understand what a woman needs even when the hints are written to him in an email or told to him to his face.

What should I do? Right now, I just cannot imagine going through the whole thing pretending to enjoy when I am just terribly bored out of my mind and waiting for it to be over. I feel like I am lying to myself and to my husband when doing this.

Please share your opinions on resolving my predicament.

Moderator : Please check your user CP and start your own thread soon.

amnice · Oct 5, 2010

Re: Intimacy Issues

Whatever the reason for your big fight, if possible, forgive him for that. Please do so. You cannot live a life full of bitterness and hatred towards him for whatever happened last year. We dont know the reasons that lead to your big fight but you think and analyse for yourself what you are doing.
Let the past be past and try to forgive him and get that out of your system...first.
You have said it yourself that he is a good father and a good husband then can't you forgive him

Next, you say you are over weight. Can I ask you this? Are you doing something about it? Are you working towards reducing your weight? Please try to workout regularly, eat healthy and get yourself checked for thyroid or weight related issues. Doing all this will set your lubrication of privates right. I have read in a magazine that eating healthy and simply drinking 3 litres of water a day can set right many gynec issues. So, take care of your health.
It is not that over weight people are always ugly but I need not explain in detail how men will be aroused and attracted by a good figure. That does not mean you aim for a model, or movie star figure but atleast your goal should be reasonably good body for your man's pleasure. And maintaning good healthy, hygenic body is our responsiblity towards our family.

Once your health improves, your outlook in life will change and you will be out of the boredom you are in now.
I think doing all this, ie., forgiving your dh, improving your over all health will help you to be in good spirits. And then see how your intimate issues will disappear.

bebe · Oct 5, 2010

Re: Intimacy Issues

 Dear Anxious

I can REALLY understand your pain and frustration.

How open can you be with your husband? Can you tell him openly what is bothering you?
I have an idea, how you might be able to enjoy the act a bit more.... I have been doing evenings like this a few times and it helped us a bit…
Have you tried "seducing" your husband playfully? Like telling him, that tonight we want to any of our usual routines, but we will do something out of the box?
E.g. get a babysitter for your kid, where he/she could stay overnight. Invite your husband for a special romantic dinner, or cook him his favorite dish at him. Set the table like in a 5* restaurant. Serve champagne as a appetizer (if you drink alcohol, else serve a nice fruit cocktail). During dinner talk to him like you would talk to a friend you don’t know well yet and you would like to know more about. Show interest in him and make yourself interesting as well. You could talk about places you´d like to travel, books you would like to read, movies you like, filmstars you adore, etc. Don’t talk about anything which is too emotional. Don’t talk about your daily routine, don’t talk about your kid...

As the evening progresses, tell him, that you have a wish for the bedroom. Not your usual routine, but something special. You could but on light music. Frank Sinatra, Michael Bublé kind of stuff. Lead him to the bedroom; take over the control of the situation. Tell him, that tonight you want have any "normal" stuff. Let your imagine run wild. But make sure, that you have the control of the whole situation, that things run the way YOU want to for once... Caress him, and tell him that you too want to be caressed... show him how... Set the mood and enjoy...

Do you think, you could pull this off??? Wish you all the best...

Log in or Sign up

Physical Intimacy Issues- good marriage counselor/therapist ?

shrikala Senior IL'ite

infinitehopes Bronze IL'ite

parvathi1980 Platinum IL'ite

Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

indianguy2010 IL Hall of Fame

payalg New IL'ite

praks New IL'ite

anxious New IL'ite

amnice Bronze IL'ite

bebe Bronze IL'ite

Share This Page