Am i being selfish???

I hate to pick on other posters' posts. sorry about this aberration. but I hear this a lot. Please don't take this as a personal attack but as of now you are neither looking after your ILs or your parents, but you feel bad about your parents and Humble's PILs because they have to manage their life themselves. Do you think that is fair enough? It is easy to advise others about what's right and what's wrong, it is much more difficult to take responsibility and do something. You say that if you were in her situation, you would have lived with them but you are not in her situation. You feel bad for your parents, why don't you move close to them?

 

I am so glad everything went so well. So, Ganesh Chaturthi proved to be the ice breaker.
You are doing great.Good on you.:thumbsup Hope you are happy and your MIL is keeping well now.

 

Dear Humble

Great move from ur end. I appreciate it. U made ur ILs happy.

Instead getting an appartment for them near u or living under ssame roof u can do one thing

1. ILs wanna live wherever they are or with u
2. U are willing to move them near u and not to live with them

In order to satisfy above two concerns... U better get an appartment or house near theirs for u. Dont shift them let them be where they are

Buy a house for u guys near their home.. u can be peaceful also u / ur DH/kids can walk and talk with them happily. even they may also take a walk to ur home in evenings

This would help them in emergency cases regarding their health if at all anythg happens...

Try it out All the best
-ARt

 

i agree with spiderman1 and sowjanya...
this is gonna be rude i know. but im being honest!
IMO - it IS being selfish. like the work says.. u are only thinking about 'yourSELF'... neither their age, their health issues, their loneliness or their FEELINGS.

(They say either they live as they are now or live with us in our house.) - its obv they wanna live with you, but ONLY because of YOU they are away. infact they are being so selfless by not pressurizing your dh to convince you. and trust me - NO MAN will want to live away from their parents, esp aged and when in same city! our DH's maybe quiet, only to maintain peace. but trust me, it must be killing ur dh within...

i know life is not gonna be easy. i stay with in-laws. trust me, there are times when i wish/cry i lived alone. but when in laws are not around, i actually miss them. and my DS loves his grandparents. if u have the money and resources, whats the harm in keeping them around... ? what you are ready to do now, cant you do it staying with them?? they are alredy quite old. im not sure if u would understand - but everyone needs support in old age. after all, they will not outlive you right?? and its not like you have never stayed alone.. u enjoyed the initial 10 yrs of life by living away. come to think of it - they havent the pleasure to live with their DH or YOU or GRANDCHILDREN EVER... so, they have lived like this without ANY support! would you like it if your children did the same to you? how would you feel if you come to know your son's wife felt the same about you??
Just think of these..
1. do u wanna adjust for a 'part' of your entire life to make them happy for the remaining bit of life??
2. bring a smile on DH's face by keeping his folks with you (i can bet he will love u crazy for this)
3. let your children experience grandparents love?
OR
STILL WANT YOUR 'SPACE'...???

choice is yours!!!
if its latter, then the answer to your thread heading is 'YES'....

 

but I would not want to live like this. I care for myself too and some may call that selfish. But for me to live in peace I need to care for my inner feelings and my wishes too.

you are very clear about what you want to do and different people have different views about your decision on this matter. and you know this too that some may call that selfish! Then why you started a thread hear asking "Am I being selfish"!!!!!!



I would never wish to live with my son/daughter's family once they start having their own families. If I am old and sick I would make arrangements to take care of myself but never live with my children under one roof once they become independent adults. So, that answers the question that my children wanting to live separately would be highly welcomed and encouraged by me.


I think you have a totally different thinking compared to an average ordinary indian..most of those who born and brought up in india always understand that it is their resposibility to take care of their in-laws and wish to be taken care by our kids in the oldage.yours is more like a western thought. here, they dont like to keep their parents in their home and parents also look forward for their kids to move out once they are grown up! i am not blaming you for it. But here in US, I felt, many parents dont even think about helping their kids with the education. So they grew up very independent and parents cannot claim that we took care of you until you could stay in your feet. Back in india, thats not the case. for a woman and man, parents help through the study, college and never tell us to go and live alone before we get married.. just like any other parents, your in-laws also wish to live with their son. but you being a different thinking person, it is not possible for them. when you say you dont want to live with your kids when they are gown up - "there you get exactly what you wish"..but your in-laws like to live with you and you dont like to live with them- they dont get what they wish...."then also you get exactly what you like"..this is what some people call selfish nature..if you think what you are doing is right, better not coming up with a question like this..

ofcourse one can always wish..expecting things like this is foolish. I used to tell my DH not to expect that our son will look after us when we are old..

 

here are my 2 paise ...............


You are not selfish, you seem to have lost humanity... your lifestyle and thoughts have totally changed your perceptions.


Inlaws like everyone has ego or their self respect. They want to be near their son s family by heart and not by distance. So your idea of shifting them to just next street to your house will never be acceptable to them, because even if they shift near to your house for your so called privacy your attitude towards them will be same. And you will just do it as some formality.

In one post you mentioned your hubby has given them all luxuries in flat, and mentioned what else they want???? I tell you they want love, and care of their son. And your DH is not in a position to take decision whether to take care of old parents or listen to you. And since your DH is only son who livesi in same city as in laws live it is his prime responsibility to look after them.


You should be thankful that your inlaws not pressurized their son to live with them, else your life would have been devastated. :hide::hide:



Just because of you in laws are suffering as they are not able to live with their son.

There is age for everything. And once your cross 60 , your body and mind responds slowly, some one also mentioned that they told their DH that in old age also they wont live with their son. But once you become old you will become weak, and cant do all work, at such times the housemaids only will not help you will need love and care of your siblings. Also if one partner dies before another then the another one has to remain alone till his ticket comes. So till that time life will be more alone and tortorus for him / her :bonk:bonk . Also old people can have emergency medical help and in indi a there is no express ambulance so if their children are there they can immediately rush to hospital and give care.


You also mentioned that

I would never wish to live with my son/daughter's family once they start having their own families. If I am old and sick I would make arrangements to take care of myself but never live with my children under one roof once they become independent adults. So, that answers the question that my children wanting to live separately would be highly welcomed and encouraged by me.


very good thoughts but when you become old your thoughts will change, and at that time along with hubby you will need your children too and remember the ticket thing I mentioned earlier. Who goes first we dont know? THese are alll harsh realities. for your age now just try living alone for 15 days without your son and hubby , Can YOU LIVE ?? Then imagine of old age, dont assume things..















If you understand and are ready to give up on your privacy then it will do you good only, life is not just enjoying for yourself but living for others also. IF not no issue because the way you think now, same way your children are going to think about you, and it is sure tomorrow you will become old and need support.. then you will have deja vu feeling...:drowning:rotfl

 

I appreciate your thoughts, you have some good intensions in ur mind, and knowingly ur helping ur IL's in some indirect method.
so keep up the spirit.