Hubby will not share household chores with me

RG,
Chant the name of EK and Dr. 101 times every day. :thumbsup

 

Hi Mathi and others ..

Like some friend says ..if you get pay check your hubby will share household work..no way ..I was working and handfully earning equal to my hubby , still i need to takecare my house hold works , I will be helping him in his office jobs even i will help him in all outside works for atleast 6 years then also hubby and his family says i am lazy and i am not dloing much work in Home ..with my 2 yrs old daughetr ..

I will not be having enough sleep in the night bcoz of my daughter atleast 3 to 4 times break..11 pm only will go to bed...then i will be getting comment that i am waking up only 6 am ....my god...nobody will understand or motivate ..ppl are there to critisize ..i cant imagine ..sometime i dont understand the logic ... we both come back from office , but the treatment and the respect and the way from ppl is differnt towards me and him ...

i am at home now for past 3 months,,,thsi is the worst part of understanding that is even lady work office and earn also , ladies need to work in home also , cooking , houshold work , cleaning etct.....

actually i realized why mothers were sad about girl baby..she only knows the pain worry abt her daughters pain in future...

have more pains and feelings to share....this is the prb in indian man..atleast from our generation we have to brought up sons the importanace of doing their work by themselves not depending mother or wife ..

 

Hi Sugan,

You said it rightly. I did not see my father helping my mother in household works, even in the days, she is ill. My father used to get food from hotel. He believed that it is too mean for a 'real man' to enter kitchen and help his wife.

I also inherited the same legacy. First four years, when my wife was at home, I absolutely said a one hundred per cent, "no' to her requests to share household works. Then later, she started working. And, then too, I did not change overnight. I stubbornly ignored her requests to share households. I used to say, "hire a maid / two maids, but never expects a man to do kitchen work". Believe me, madam, I was of a strong conviction that I was right in saying so. "After all, real macho men do not help wives. It is demeaning one's musculinity." ............This is what I learnt from my dad.

Even after my wife started working, it took two more years for me to change, that too slowly. Initially, we did a deal of 30 % me and 70 % her. It worked for a few years. Then, gradually it became 50 % and 50 % each.

You train your son saying "it is not demeaning for a macho man to enter kitchen and do households"

clearly what we saw in our own homes, influence us.

as years go on,

 

hi indianguy..

i really liked your reply for mathi..

i am also in the same boat as mathi. . i am not working right now .. my DH is a bit typical.. he do help me sometimes but only when he wishes.. that means once in 2 months or so he will wash the dishes/ dry the laundry / help me clean the house/ or help me in preparing dinner(BUT ONLY IF THE KITCHEN STATION IS CLEAN + SINK WITH NO DISHES + ALL VEGGIES CLEAN AND CUT ..like that).
I do not ask for his help in normal working days. i expect him to help me in some chores atleast on his day-off.. to be more specific ... just cook one curry(b'coz feel like not cooking once in a while) or if he see a thing which is not in its place,put that back in its place .. but he won't do those . he says he want to be free on his day off and do whatever his heart feels to do.
but once in a while i too feel like to be free from chores and ask him to take me out for dinner - not to a costly restaurant but to simple subway/ maccies /KFC). for this issue he came up with an idea of going to his bachelor friends house. there i end up cooking(elaborated meal which includes starters, main, side, dessert) for 7-8 people. if i say i won't come he will go alone and prepares food at his friend's house and will be back after midnight only.. he can cook for his friends(7-8 people) but not for me( - 1- ).sometimes he cooks for his friends in their house on his working days as well.
he says he want to be with his friends around him on his day off. whenever he is free, he will head straight to his friends house. if i ask him if we can go out , he will say yes, starts the car at 12pm at our house, take me to mall near his friends house and says we will go to their house and have a cup of tea and be back to mall.will go to their house , have tea and end up there till midnight . END OF THE DAY... Full week days i prepare food for 2 and on his day off i end up preparing food for a group. if i say NO to that, he will make faces and ruin the whole day for me by not talking to me / be serious.

AND ONE MORE THING WHICH MAKES ME VERY VERY VERY MAD...from the starting of our marriage , he want me to feed him food . at that time while i feed him food he will talk to me and we discuss some normal issues (like movies, relatives/friends/his work matters )and that used to be fun. Now a days he will stick his eyes to a film / favorite show WWE or chat with his friends on net or do some thing or the other thing except talking to me. he says he feel relaxed doing that after his work while i feed him the food. he wants me to do that even i am low at my energy levels.
I DUNNO WHETHER I AM RIGHT OR WRONG IN SAYING THIS.. but when he is not talking to me and doing his own works while i feed him food looks like - people going to a beauty parlour / saloon and sit back relax while the parlour people do the stuff..only difference is that the parlour people will be appreciated for their work done and me none as mine was mere responsibility.

So ILites , please guide me how to deal with this issue. is this very small issue which i making a big mess out of it ? or am i reacting too much or am i missing anything to straighten the issue....i dunno what to say but please please ..please...guide me ...

 

Hi Creeper,

Your portions are reproduced in brown colour, followed by comments.

if i say i won't come he will go alone and prepares food at his friend's house and will be back after midnight only.. he can cook for his friends(7-8 people) but not for me( - 1- ).sometimes he cooks for his friends in their house on his working days as well.

You are seeing his not doing your chores and doing chores at his same sex friends, as an act of omission and at the same time, an act of neglecting you. But, from his point of view, he wants to spend quality time with his same sex friends. Every guy wants a togetherness time with his same sex friends. After all he is having togetherness with you all the rest of the week. So, from his point of view, what is wrong in having togetherness with his same sex friends for a few hours per week. Please do not counter this logic. We men, do not pardon the wife, who fail to appreciate our need for time with our same sex friends. Any effort by you to curtail this time of him, is going to be badly counter productive. In your own interest , please do not try to stop it.

But, one thing you can do is.......you can say, in other way, that you are too tired to make food for a group of eight people and avoid making food for a group of eight people.

AND ONE MORE THING WHICH MAKES ME VERY VERY VERY MAD...from the starting of our marriage , he want me to feed him food . at that time while i feed him food he will talk to me and we discuss some normal issues (like movies, relatives/friends/his work matters )and that used to be fun. Now a days he will stick his eyes to a film / favorite show WWE or chat with his friends on net or do some thing or the other thing except talking to me. he says he feel relaxed doing that after his work while i feed him the food. he wants me to do that even i am low at my energy levels.

I do not understand, what you mean by 'I feed him food'. Please clarify. Do you take the food in your hands and give it to his mouth, as we do for our kids ? Or you mean the act of cooking for him as 'feeding him'.

So ILites , please guide me how to deal with this issue. is this very small issue which i making a big mess out of it ? or am i reacting too much or am i missing anything to straighten the issue....i dunno what to say but please please ..please...guide me

In my perception, from a male point of view, yes, you are making a big issue out of a very small issue. YOU ARE REACTING TOO MUCH.

How good is your relationship with him overall ? Does he appreciate your other activities ? Does he spend quality togetherness time with you, like going for a temple, talking in an evening in a park , going for a movie etc ? How much of mutual goodwill and love persist in between you ? How is the quality of your sex life ? Everything, I mean, the quality of the overall relationship counts. You have not talked anything about it, except, the act of he not doing chores for you. If he is okay, in other aspects of the marriage, as I mentioned here, then, yes, you are clearly overreacting over nothing.

 

hi indianguy

• I do agree that he needs his own time with his friends, but i too need his free time. Week days he will be busy in his works and all and we hardly find time for chitchat. so i thought we can use his day off time for that. but on his day off he will be off bed at 12-1 pm and have some brunch, watch his sports and he head straight to his friends . if he goes alone, i will be all alone in house. if i go with him i will be busy cooking for the group.in either ways i find time just to ask "how is the food ?" thats it.

As you say opposing him doing so back fires..i try not to do so.

• Yes..i feed him means i take food in my hand and put in his mouth..same as we feed our kids.

• He is not interested to watch a movie in theater. we watch movies on tv(DVD) or download movies from internet. He is not interested to go for a walk with me. Rather he would sit at home and watch his fav shows. He doesn't like outside food. only home made food. so going to restaurants is out of focus.

My overall relation is mixed with him. sometimes its fun & fine and sometimes its not.

• Yes he appreciates me for the good food i prepare for him. Thats the only issue he appreciates me. When i cook for all his friends and if he get good feedback, he appreciates me.

Anyways thanks for your reply ... i try not to make it a big issue..

 

Hi Creeper,

Your man seems to be an voracious eater. What is his height in cm and weight in kg ? Please watch out for an obesity, setting in in him. Weight gained once are not shedded out that easily.

 

I didn't read a lot of intervening posts. But you are two people and you are married to each other. As such there should be very little work. Is this a contest? How is this different from sharing room and board? Then it's all equitable.

 

Hey OP,
Contrary to the other posters , I feel that your husband must give you a hand in household chores once in a while.
I dont think you are being unreasonable.
Housework can be draining, back breaking and the loneliness can be devastating, the daily drudgery can become unbearable to bear.
First take it easy. Realise that this is not going to be forever, you will soon have a job and be able to see and have more of life. There is light at the end of tunnel.
For now, if you find chores excruciating, tone it down- you dont have to have a squeaky clean home. Make meals simple, not elaborate.
Cook in bulk and store in freezer for your lazy/ unwell days.
If your husband doesnt like outside food, you make him a simple meal for him and tell him that you would like to eat something from outside, better if you have a home delivery.
Make a list of chores and finish it on time. Its just the hanging around of chores that can be gloomy.
Remember to take care of yourself. Pamper ourself well, read a novel, listen to music, take rest.
Good luck.