MIL's behaviour changing day by day and giving me stress..AM I wrong somewhere?

I have been married(love marriage) for 4+ yrs now. ALthough I wasn't her choice of DIL but all were for sure happy with the marriage but somehow with time I felt mil had expectations within that even if its love marriage and I am much educated than girls of their families, still I would turn out to be an ideal dil or may be that I shall transform into one. ALthough it has never been bad as such , just some petty matters here and there to which it mostly used to be me and DH who took steps to calm down situations at home...but after sme mths of marriage I could sense that I am not her kind of dil. I was always fine with this thinking that even me n my own mother were not the same in many aspects..but of course some things really used to hurt when it came that for same situation how she behaved with sil and how with me. My husband has been the earning hand of family since long and then after marriage I joined him. We both could sense that mil and sil were not very comfortable with the fact that I am being given equal importance in decisions etc.. In fact soon after marriage they used to politely and with a laugh pass comments of how DH has changed and that how earlier mil used to sit on front seat, how DH never purchased anything without her...how well sil is at everything...how impatient I am and all..although DH always said that I have much more patience for every situation as compared to mil and sil. Once sil got married, for another 1 yr things turned worse...but not that bad that I should narrate.DH always supported me.. in a way that he used to stop me from doing anything that would annoy them or take it to himself that I asked her to do so..but still 2-3 times it got on our nerves and there was cold wars at home for weeks from mil's side. AFter DD came into our lives and started growing, me and DH became all the more cautious to keep peace at home so as she gets a nice warm loving atmosphere and learns the same...However hard we tried something or the other used to come up. MIL usually used to have some or the other complaint...
DH always knew and said that for any financial or major decisions, we shall tell mil in prior and take her suggestion but decide ourselves as he said she thinks from the minds of her relatives and friends and has an ego.Yes she did.. I could sense that...always telling you didnt ask me...you didnt listen to me...whenevr something went perfect according to her she'd say...my son did that..I have never been in the picture and when something she wasnt pleased with...you didnt do as per me..WHenever asked for suggestion, she'll say you see and do what is right...n latr keep saying something or the other.DH simply says that we cannot make her 100% happy over anything..even if we go feet up and legs down, she'd say why aren't your legs straight. He says that we should be happy that parents are dependent on us else she would have been a typical MIL.

I have always tried my best to keep her happy...all ways...but I can sense that she is not at heart with me as I started to believe she was in starting months. Last year we sold a small flat of ours and got an office as we couldnt afford running each year and increasing rents, she kept saying you sold the flat too cheap...whereas we tried for 2 yrs just so that she doesnt complain of it later..Then we had a plot in fil's name in an unauthorised area and had been trying for 3 yrs to sell it and get a small house of our own as family expenses have been rising steeply with time. MIL never agreed to any price. Now that we were not being able to afford house rent, expenses, DD's fee, we sold that plot with fil's happy agreement and purchsed a nice floor by God's grace which is more than enough for us for a lifetime. Since that time she has been complaining and cribbing and once DH firmly told him that you go to that plot for a week or month and sell it in whatever you feel worth or next month I'll have to put DD in a govt school..WHenevr she is asked to give suggestion or take responsibility, she always gave a deaf ear and once things are done we always have to hear. FIL is very happy and all relatives who have visited new house are appreciating our decision taken well in time but she isn't. She acts normal but doesnt behave normal. Not happy with our small purchases...keeps cribbing in front of fil or relatives..said once to DH that why have you taken flat in yours and your wife's name...now we have become a burden on you else we could have gone to that plot and survived. I too told her that this is your house, and we honestly can never think of getting away from them..it was just for future passports and income tax that we did so. I would like to put into notice that she keeps telling SIL to somehow convince her DH to make their own property and live peacefully without any interference .

Now the point is that she knows that I am not well...diagnosed with TB of brain 2 mths back but takes it as any normal cold and cough..would ask in a few days and thats it. Is annoyed that I have become an equal decision maker with DH...would put a no to any matter when discussed so DH avoids and prefers just informing her....hidden fact we got to know was that she wanted to sell that plot and marry daughters of her brother who has his own house of 2 floors and 3 shops given on rent but since he is not working since may be the start n is in lines of God, DH being cousin brother should take up the 3 girl's responsibilty as much as he can and then God shall bless us when it come sto our family and DD...isnt this too much of an expectation and since we sold that plot, she is very sad which she herself says. I never answer her back...may be at times bcos of stress or health, I may not have talked in good mood but she throws cold tantrums whenever she gets a chance. DH tells me not to bother as this has become her nature as she is somewhere jealous of me but herself doesnt want to take any responsibility. I still feel that she takes care of DD as I am working and handles the kitchen most of the time whereas as and when possible I try to handle the kitchen myself.

SInce last few days, she gets cold at behaviour..not talking not replying properly and I keep thinking what did I do now... I am always under a stress that what and how should I speak or react in front of her... DH says that much stress is not gud for your health...I know but doesnt she know that too. It seems to me that she is accepting me only bcos she has no choice but is no more attached to me ...talks by her mood...what to talk what not...how when..all by her mood and I am always stressed to keep her happy. ALso bcos I know when we are off to office, she discusses with fil and relatives and SIL on phone and DD being around must be hearing all that..This is what worries me the most...Friends plz tell me how can I come out of this stress and dilemma... I am tired of trying.

PS - SORRY FOR SUCH A LONG POST BUT MY HEART IS TOO HEAVY SINCE MANY DAYS .... INSTEAD OF BEING HAPPY IN MY OWN HOUSE , i AM STRESSED SINCE DAY 1.

SUpriya.

 

I think you are right Preethi.. May be somewhere within I too know this but at times situation becomes such that I just cant avoid those thoughts haunting me. Blessed I have him,my DH with me and his full support. FIL already gives lot of time to DD, in fact DD is more attached to him than MIL, much more...but FIL doesnt have much of a say in front of MIL. ACtually my SIL too is almost a carbon copy of mil as for her attitudes towards life and me and DH had always been concerned that DD shouldnt get too close to MIL and seems the efforts we are putting in to nurture DD's attitude would work, tuchgold!
Just yesterday night, feeling heavy at heart I talked to DH clearly that something is haunting me since last few days and he at once said I know its mom and hugged me. He said there's no need to keep anything on your heart, I know all you have in your mind and you can just speak it out to lighten yourself and I talked to him for half an hour. All he had to say was that Mom can never be convinced or satisfied..dont try to ask her even that why is she not normal as we both would be surprised at reasons she would put up..that she would never understand pressures on us as per responsibilities bcos she or SIL has never needed to take any.

Today morning he asked FIL what was all that has been troubling MIL in front of MIL...and mil as usual said leave it..what all shall I tell you know...me and my daughter both have such fortunes..first we kept dancing to our brother's tunes and then husband's and then sons...and believe me Preethi, I and my parents feel proud of DH that how since the age of 16 he has been earning....moved his family out of a rotten area...completed his PG, made SIL do her PG, spent on both marriages and everything till date and the main thing....HE NEVER CRIBS OR COMPLAINS !! ALl he started saying now to MIL is that now I wanna live my life with my wife and daughter...Now I wish to learn guitar and swimming with DD, now I wish to maintain my house nicely and go out on a vacation at least once a year with my family....Is that too much to expect after all those responsibilities completed at the age of 32 !! We still try ur best. He certainly keeps his cool but I know he too feels hurt and very rare he bursts out in words in front of me. He said that we'll make DD too busy to spend time at home and shall mould her lifestyle according to ourselves. Today at breakfast we got to know that MIL's brother has visited our house 3 days back and since then she is again upset regarding her not being able to keep her word of his daughters's marriages.
Holy Cow !! thanks for listening to me..... I will certainly need to make myself strong and as DH says that she is my mom...I am not caring her being kiddish bcos I know I have never been ableto make her happy...whatever I have been doing she says it was my responsibility and when I do not something...she says I do not respect her...its been like this..and we should not spoil our life trying to convince her. If she wants to live peacefully with us or not, its her choice..else she's always there with us under 1 roof !!

Dr.Supriya.

 

Thanks again Preethi...just today morning I got to know that MIL was annoyed with me bcos I had given off DD's 2-3 yr old toys to my office peon...DD is 3 n a half n has almost 50+ stuff toys...just to mention, all either purchased by me and DH or by my parents...As we shifted house I thought those that are old enough for DD but not that worn out and can be given to someone, I should do away with them...and I did so without asking MIL bcos in all these 4 yrs whenenver asked, she would tie them all up in a big packet n keep it in one plcae but in this new house, we do not have any such hidden stuff place neither do we want to keep any such stuff rather give it off....it would please some poor child.. Thats what me and DH try to instill in DD. I try to make her give off her toys to the poor herself or any of her old dresses to make her learn to share, give and not be over possessive... There was a doll we got for her on her 2nd bday which was for 500 that time but by now it was painted all over by DD and I asked DD that we shall clean it as much as possible and give it away and she said - yes muma then God will be happy and will give me more new toys..I smiled and said Yes baby !! its been days and today I got to know that mil was saying few days back that it was such a costly doll....and that I do not think before getting away with stuff and if I were to handle the kitchen then God knows how the house would have run....

This at first surprised me and DH when fil told this to us...and then we were smiling at each other surprisingly. I just told him that I spent money on it and I think I have all the right to decide when to do away with it and DH just smiled and said no you should have kept it for 3 yrs and then given to someone whose kids were no more young enuf to play with it...lol

Yes, I am blessed to have him in my life. tuchgold!
SUpriya

 

hmmmphhh... all over again. I had mentioned in some post of mine that we had put in more than 100% of our savings, took some loan from my parents and purchased a house. Bcos of MIL's attitude, we are forced to lie to her that we have too much loans on our head, although By God's Grace its not that much....mil had always wanted DH to spend on her brother's 3 daughter's marriages. On every rakhi she takes DH to their house...herself gives those girls rakhis to tie on my DH's wrist and those grown up girls have no concern with their so called brother and our family but MIL is hell close to her brother and sometime before our marriage out of ego declared that MY BOY WILL SPEND ON ALL 3 MARRIAGES....!!! Thos of you who have been reading my threads must be knowing how DH has been working since 10th standard to educate n marry himself and my sil. Now that we purchased our house and got DD in a very good school, since then MIL is wy too worried and has said few times that bcos of these decisions that you both took, you have no money to arrange for those 3 weddings....DH clearly told her that whenevr their marriages get fixed I shall willingly give whatever would be affordable but average once a week, she'll make a gloomy face and we get to know reason being "How will those girls get married now". Just to point out, that uncle of DH(mamaji) has not been working since years n years n is into God's service and MIL says God has told him to serve men....she tells DH that God wants to make you the path n you should take it as serving God by marrying those girls....SHe said that I thought we'd marry them and I would give a gold set to each girl...

Ghosh !!!! we are finding it so hard to digest that how can she be such a mom. She loves DH too much as she says and shows.....then why hasn't she ever been caring enough that her son is not born to just keep working like a bull everytime for some responsibility or the other. When we get something for our room, she'll indirectly ask for same or something equivalent or show disinterest. SHe wants that I should compromise on buying back that amount of gold that I sold for the house purchase, that we should bring down our expenses and save for those marriages and when we asked her that when do we live our life and save for DD...she says God will arrange for it when time comes... DH pretends to be cool but I know he too is devastated like me from within...I really fear that when any of the girl's wedding gets fixed what would be the scene at our place :-(

Are all mil's this way-
wanting son(DH) to do evrything for sil and his side of cousins even if they have never even called us once since we got married.
wanting DH t not be as close to DIL's family however much they are supporting us in all possible ways...thats their wish supporting their daughter and when it comes to me and DH its our responsibility.
compares what DH is doing for DD and what he did for sil when she was young and unmarried.(DH did 100%expenses of her marriage and it was the most lavish wedding of this family)
DIL is selfish if she is not willing to sacrifice and if SIL's in laws want the same from her, then they are devils.
and the cold list goes on n on..... My own mum is not such a MIL !!!

Supriya.

 

Hi roxy,

Thanks for the support and yes I too understand what you say is a fact...she for sure is a saddist..... I dont think I can remember any full week when she did not crib or complain over something and any dead topic which she doesn't make alive even mths later....takes advantage of situation when it arises many a times...lolz...

Juts to share with all my ilite pals...I had my first follow up yesterday with 2 docs...and they said it wasnt really brain TB...but something might have happened in past recent years that caused a sudden drastic fall of resistance but there was exposure to infection so inflammation reached my brain leaving a lesion there pressing my nerves that caused severe headache, memory loss n all. I would need to take medication for 2 yrs at least but it would be totally under control but yes even after that I'll have to change my lifestyle accordingly...thats a hard part though ;-)

I remembered, being a doc fe yrs back I caught jaundice...severe one when I was into my internship....and as soon as I sort of recovered I had to join back my hospital duties...so fall of resistance and extreme exposure to infection...hmmphhhh... STill it was better than our fear...thanks for all your wishes.

Supriya.