My friend's confusing married life

I did not overlook the dowry part, maybe other ilites haven't too. I know that's the root cause of all the problems. What good does it do to condemn dowry now, in this particular case? Damage has been done. I wondered while reading the post why didn't her parents or her colleagues/friends suggest/support her to take the help of the law. But again when I re-read the post and learnt that her parents are encouraging to go back to him blaming the pressures of the society, I know she does not have that choice.
Take it for granted that dowry is involved in most of such cases. But then why cry over the spilt milk. So I guess many of ilties here are advising to safeguard her future.

 

It's never late to stand up and give them a piece. yes she fall in love with a guy, thought she loves the same way as she does, no wrong in it. Now falling in love is not bad, where as cheating is, in my opinion people who loves true heartedly will always loves unconditionally, because they got so much to give, now the other who cheats will always cheats no matter what, they never change. Being far away we tends to feel like every one is our friend. But, there lies the bad thinking, we do so much to them as their sister or as a best friend, but not every one is the same. There are people who just back stab you and steal the happy marriage you have and dreams them selves to be in their shoes. Now these people are like rash, so you have to eliminate before it get spread and take off your happiness. If she sees holding hand in hand just say to her, hoer how are you how much my husband is paying you. and give her the piece by saying now I understood what kind of a family background you came from, keep on saying****if you even get near my husband I will kick your butt so that you will leave this country and run. If you want to be like this then do prostitution and live.

Waht to do if Inlaws are saying bad, stand up to her rights and do not bend and say sorry, make him sorry what he has done. Say to him now I understood how your family has brought you up, with out morals, if he beats just kick him so bad that he will be ashamed of himself. Marriage is not a play game, once you are bored play with some body and ruin their lives too. I just tell to your friend, be brave no one has right to destroy her life. Stop crying and take action. Don't give up so easily, it's her marriage and she has every right to live happily. What ever the out come is it's not her mistake and please do not feel sorry. Be happy that you came out way earlier. There is a saying what goes around will come around wait and see.

 

Hi Tugga,
There is a difference in love and using someone. You and ur DH had a deep understanding. There was atleast some amount of discussion between u two regarding certain matters. But look at your friend. Her husband is openly having an extra marital affair, hitting her so badly that she was hospitalised and now she wants him back.

Certain things are worth a try and certain things are not.This is not worth giving a shot.

To be very frank with you, when I first read the post I only felt angry with your friend and not with her husband.He behaved the way he was but why did your friend have to be so timid and submissive to him...She was like both the man and woman of the house and end of the day she is not happy from within.Is this worth ?

Your friend is earning and has a good background...Ask her to get out of this mess and start her life afresh..That would be worth giving a shot...

26 is not old.My sister got married at 31 and by God's grace she has found the right match for herself. She can always find someone who will understand her worth!!!

 

Yeah, but my dh wasn't knocking my teeth out or exposing my sex life to friends. He also didn't demand dowry from me or cheat on me with another girl holding hands around town. Plus my dh is able to hold down a job and support me.

If my dh did all that bad stuff which your friend's dh did, I would have divorced him, that's for sure. I think when there is such intense domestic violence involved, there's not much of a choice.

Typical marital issues are one thing.... but what your friend is going through is really extreme. Probably mine and yours marital life would have never been as bad as hers, so for us we were able to work on our problems. But there comes a point where things are beyond repair.

Your friend should take a reality check and realize that her husband may not even want her back, even if she crawls back to him and kisses his feet. Already he is parading around with a new girl.... what does that say to your friend?? He has moved on! So how can she even think to fix a marriage where one person is already seeing someone new?

If your friend wants him back, she should talk to him and tell him that she wants to come home and will accept him no matter what he does. Then she should be ready to take whatever abuse he mets out. He is an abuser! He will continue to abuse just as fish swims in water and bird flys in air! So either she needs to cut her losses and move on, or go back to him and be ready to accept him as he is! She should be able to accept his violent temper... his lazy work ethic... his cheating nature... his parents disaproval of her.... their greed in taking dowry.... his refusal to have a family with her.... friends knowing all her sex secrets. Can she handle all that? Putting up with that is the only way she can keep her marriage with that guy.

He has no motivation to change... because he has no love on your friend. He used her for big dowry and free ride in life, and now that he's gotten his use out of her, he's on to a new girl. So that's the way it is. Tell your friend she needs to stop looking at life with stars in her eyes and see the reality. Either MOVE ON and find a new husband, or tolerate all this guy's antics and stay married to him. Period. There is no changing that type of husband. He has too many issues. There are people with good character who do bad things, and people with bad character who do bad things. The good ones can be made good, because they have that inner spark of knowing what's right and wrong inside of them. But some people are just flat out weird and disfunctional and will be tyrannical their whole lives. Bet you can guess which one I think your friend's husband is!

Maybe your friend LOVES the idea of being married or LOVES the idea of him being a good husband to her. But 'ideas' are not always the reality. If she wants to go back, tell her to do as she wishes. Some people walk their own path, even if it takes them over the edge of a cliff.

 

Oh...come on...it is a straight answer...he simply don't deserve her...why is she so worried about the society...When she was abused did the society come for help.Hell NO ...then what is the point..

Insist to you friend that there are lot of good guys around willing to marry girls who are seperated or divorced...It is better come out of this huge chaos..

 

Hi Tugga..Your friend is really going through a great deal and as most people advised may be the guy is really taking advantage of her. My concern is whether your friend aware that you have posted her problem in a public site? Because you have not mentioned that your are posting on behalf of her..

 

Hi Tugga

as an outsider their is hardly anything you can do or say which will work as an eye opener for that girl. She is simply not ready yet to let go and still has hopes that everything will work out fine some day. This has to be her husband who will have to crush her hope (and spirit), else she will not see reason.
I know from experience that the person being abused needs her own time to realize what is happening to her and to want to put an end to the abuse. My mother and I got this advice from a counsellor when my sister was not ready to leave her abusive relationship, thought I will share this with you:
As a friend or family member the best thing to be done is to give the person being abused a sense of not being left alone. You can tell her time and time again, that she has deserved better and you should stick to your statements but ultimately she has to let your words sink in and that might still take some time. Dont tell/advice her to leave her husband, just tell her that she deserves better. Be there for her and listen to her and tell her that you are there for her and she can always count on you. Dont overadvice her, else see will withdraw from you... Let her make her own decisions, else she will always have the feeling that that is not what she actually wanted to do, but she did it, because someone pressured her to do it. Such decisions in an abusive relationship are not final, and people tend to go back, if the decision was not made whole-heartedly.