Sparing or almost no sex for 5.5 yrs with my DH

Tridev · Aug 9, 2010

What Jambu suggested can be done only with someone who has level head. Such words and terms need to be understood and also the perspective by other person

Coming to you SVB, I indeed understand you feel you lost your golden time but so do lot of people who invest so many years and marriages fail. Marriage is not easy, it is a gamble. No body can be sure of their marraige even those who have very good marriages today , as to how things will be 5-10 years down the road. Things deteroriate so fast and people change. Very rarely one will find a happy marriage which is happy all the time till end...

On your self esteem you need to work on that and do things which make you feel good and proud of yourself. Low self esteem can be a cause of depression or vice versa. Talk to a doctor or therepist to see how to get your self esteem up

svb · Aug 9, 2010

Thanks tridev , thanks... I do not know how to thank you all for the support...
Thank you for discussing back and forth and not just leaving a reply message.It really shows how much you all care for me...I never expected support in such a way in my life.

about self esteem thing , I felt so bad about my body , I always thought there is some problem in me..my body ( i even tried losing weight 14 kgs and went to gyn for a check , is there something wrong in me- i hate that i went in such bad state for myself , he still didnt get attracted to me), myself , my attitude , my behaviour , infact I started becoming more anger prone and more bad mouthed out of frustration and that justified more and more my low self esteem. The whole 5.5 yrs have taken a toll on me.

Day before yesterday i was not able to sleep and in night I told my DH that it is all in past that has affected me and crops up time to time and also told that it is 5.5 yrs that took to spoil so I cannot forget and comeout of the effect in just 1-2 days. May be with time frequency of disgust and unhappy episodes may come down.
So he just said that I want to show that I am a victim all the time and I show that everything is reactive . I replied yes I am a victim for long no doubt and yes it is reactive.Also after some time I told him that if you can get impacted by MIL and my issues and take on to masturbation , Then this is the way (feeling victim and reactive) in which I get affected by your behaviour where the effects are long lasting, he is no one to judge how and what way is appropriate should be for an impact .I told him that I expect him to coverup for the ugly past.

He also said that he is doing everthing now only for our son and avoid divorce not for me...I am hurt by that.

anyways he didnt create a ruckus next morning and behaved well , I also said a "sorry" for the reason that I cursed his mother ( saying sorry is my bad habit it seems)

well I have now gone in a state where i curse his mother openly , he knows I am venting it out and he abuses me back saying I just make him curse me back, but doesnt create huge ruckus for long after that.Well I have told him straight it is nothing great about that as I have been cursing you and your parents all the way long for
5.5 yrs where you made me suffer , it is all just reactive and that is what he can expect out of such long nonresolved problems from his side.

psd1955 · Aug 9, 2010

Dear svb,

Sometimes a serious marital problem is unresolvable amicably and without coercion. Then one comes to the end of one's tether. But the solutions suggested are mostly unworkable and very biased as they are always assumed to be within a rigid framework. Nothing wrong with that. But if none of the suggestions work, then what does one do?

There are two ways: The one way out is, if none of the traditional methods work, and one still craves a solution, then divorce (esp., when circumstances force it upon us) could be the only option with no guarantee that the next spouse one marries will be any better. Remember : Our rigid traditional setup and social mindsets allows for no other.

Otherwise (2nd option) like many other things in life calmly accept all our experiences - good and bad as just fate or karma (which incidentally it is).

I am reminded of this Serenity prayer
[FONT=Times New Roman, Times, serif]"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference."[/FONT]

Best wishes,
Prad

Tridev · Aug 9, 2010

Spouse depriving other for intimacy due to relations not good is very difficult on the spouse who needs it.. However If you notice the frustration of bad relation made you more bitter in life. Due to which you started abusing, saying things in anger and bad mouthing. You both are trapped and he saying he is in marraige for sake of son , is not understandable because the son will see fighting parents and not loving parents and it will impact him. What good is parenting if both parents dont take kids outside together, if they dont laugh, love the kid, feel like family?

svb · Aug 9, 2010

yes u are right tridev, That is why I was pretending to be happy parents in front of my son and my husband was also doing that , but things were building inside me . For my husband he always have his family to support him even if he is wrong and they also made him do wrong.So he had emotional backup , not me.So I exploded , for he was always had an upper hand , because I was alone.
He is somewhat better now.
I am just thinking how to make things normal and also I being understanding towards my ownself that I will take time to heal and be back to normal.It is now his time to be patient with me.

Previously I was bothered of everybody else's peace,now I want my inner peace.I want to have a happy life , any suggestions ? how to go ahead...

Spiderman1 · Aug 9, 2010

svb - your DH's attitude is NOT sustainable. He will revert back to his old stupid character unless he truly changes.

This "He also said that he is doing everthing now only for our son and avoid divorce not for me" is a big red flag. That is terribly wrong and not sustainable.

Of his own volition, he needs to be INTERESTED and WANT to be with you, otherwise, there is no point in you alone banging your head to make it work.

It takes TWO people to make a marriage work, one person alone cannot make it work.

svb · Aug 9, 2010

Thank you for your support spiderman1.This is the exact reason why I am hurt.
And Like a stupid I always try to think that my DH has said it in anger..

indianguy2010 · Aug 9, 2010

You said, yours was a love marriage. How about your parents and relatives ? Are they in touch with you ? do you have their support in your crises ? Or.....your folk have disconnected all their contacts with you, because you have done love marriage ?

svb · Aug 10, 2010

well my hubby is more tolerant it seems , yesterday he admitted to his mistakes and his parents mistakes , but he questioned me why did I bring up the matter again after 2 months , well , as I said such deep wounds which have been there for so many yrs dont heal so easily and some of the bitter stuff that I have been reminded crop up and disturb me , this is the thing he cannot understand... hope he learns patience and takes responsibility of bettering my life and undo changes in me which have been brought by his past behaviour.Ofcourse I will also do my part in that , but deep wounds are not so easy to be scrubbed off.

Well he has to change his "outlook" towards me.I also realized that he has got the shock of his life that he always thought I am wrong , now he knows he was wrong all along.Well I am also wrong that I have changed for bad like anger bouts , irritation ,impatient in small things but strangely very patient in big things.

My emotional intimacy and physical intimacy both have been in tattered state...I dont know how to revive it in a volitional normal way

It reminds me one hindi saying/proverb:Bura Jo Dekhan Main Chala, Bura Naa Milya Koye , Jo Man Khoja Aapnaa, To Mujhse Bura Naa Koye ... means I searched for the crooked, met not a single one When searched myself, "I" found the crooked one.

svb · Aug 11, 2010

I am not close to my family specially in these matters , I know they will simply shoo it away ...They do not much contact me , My parents are very close to my elder sister and then my elder brother , but not me.I feel like an outsider with them...Actually since childhood If there was any problem I was the only culprit as per them and still they behave same. Even if an outsider created an issue , they found fault in me .Well that is also one reason for a very low self esteem and I didnt know I was prone to rebel ( by anger and bad mouthing due to that , but never did that) , that came up flaring now due to marital issues. I have controlled my anger a lot now , mostly calm and controlled except when I see injustice or wrong stuff happening.

I also became independent at end of my teens , I was solely driving my future without any support from parents and got to good heights too.But I have lost my inner peace.

I feel many times my feelings and desires have gone dead. Like all my neighbours were interested in buying jewellery , dresses. I just dont feel like adorning myself anymore.
I dont find much interest in sex too , I have been without it sought of learned how to kill the drive and now I dont feel much , though I know that it is still needed ...sometimes ...

I feel horrible , can someone help me out of this state.....How can I get back to normalcy that I see everybody has...