Why is it in the Indian culture are inlaws such meddllers?

Isn't that the case with the west? Are marriages working better? I know couple of friends in my circle who have no in laws living with them. No interference, Still lives are hell, because of their own making...

Marriage is not easy, that is the bottom line

 

I completely agree with monita.....in other cultures people do tend to live and let live...but in the indian culture...its about controlling the dil and making sure that inlaws poison the son's brain so much that he finally has a divorce.....The only reason fr them to live together is to be able to control the son, create friction between dil and the son and then control things their way....That is what my inlaws are all about actually.....

Moms are possesive in other cultures too but not as bad and cunning as indian inalws !!!!

Cheers !

 

In the Indian set up in laws get the opportunity to interfere bcoz of the brilliant concept of joint families happily living together nd trying to destroy each other!

 

No...Its not just India but its spread all across..Indian sons who stay abroad end up getting married to Indian girls coz of the cultural background.She is the in-laws choice first and then the husband's choice or vice versa. In all she is liked by all and accepted as a would-be DIL.
Marriage takes place and the problem starts with my son,my husband..etc..
The son is not sending enough money after marriage.He has changed after marriage ,etc etc..
The husband is not saving enough.He is sending everything home and not giving me anything.Stops me from buying the smallest thing.MIL is calling every 1 hour or so..Why they dont give us privacy,etc etc...

End result is fights,torture and mess of all relations.
My inputs would be to the husbands stuck up in such scenario. Plan your budget.Some amount sent to mother and some amount given to wife. Any extra demand , you should know why it is required. After marriage everywhere both the wife and mother's name should be there as nominee..Even if the problem exists after this then catch the party trying to create a mess.
Calls should continue as before but very critical details should not be shared which is related to both of you.What is your wife doing should be replied with "your DIL" is cooking..etc...
The fact is that the husband/son has to take control of the situation and strike a balance.
I dont know what goes with the FILs but this is what I feel most of the time with the threads.
PS:This is just one issue I have picked up..There might be more situations with different reasons.
Meddling or interfering is just a word.Problem is with the attitude.These words can also be replaced with suggetsion if the balance is right.

 

Poonkananny

Just as those movies and books that portray India in the minds of westerners as a country where people still travel on elephants and filled with snake charmers is not true, similarly, the cases you read in this forum and your circle of Indian friends are not representative of the entire Indian population and culture.

 

This is strange.Because as far as I know there is no restriction that only the husband can call and not the wife.I agree with Peatree that the ones you are seeing do not represent the whole Indians.

 

Tridev

Problems wont arise just because inlaws are living with the couple...Inlaws living in far far away never land can also create rifts b/ w the couple. Basically its about how the couple handles others interference rather than the inlaws themselves.

thats why I say when inlaws talk crap about DIls/SNILs dont blame them..if they are creating hurdles in your life, they are not hte ones to be blamed...BLAME your SPOUSE for letting his /her parents control you and your actions and your family. If not inlaws..there would be someone else who would influence your spouse..So basically its all on the COUPLE...just my thought.

Very well said dear!! Yeah there is a mix of everything....until we see good we dont know whats bad..and until we know there is bad..we cant appreciate the good we have

 

Problems can exist in all cultures. And it's not Indian PEOPLE that are the problem, it's certain traditions we have that create 'the perfect storm' for conflict.

-Importance of males... although this is changing where daughters are becoming equally valued, for a long time male children were IT. So obviously, parents got posessive over their male children.

-Not saving enough for retirement.... again, reliance on the male children to support them, causes big insecurity when a new woman enters the son's life.

-the joint family system... when everyone gets along, it's fine. but everyone living under one roof can often turn into a disaster if there's not room to cool off or 'get away from it all'. Group mentality (i.e. mil+fil+sil vs dil) can often lead to the family ganging up on a new member (i.e. the dil)

-parent's are like God mentality.... I think a lot of times inlaws/parents cross the line with their dil and son-in-law or daughter and son, because they know they CAN get away with it. Why can they get away with it? Because many families instill the value that elders are to be respected no matter what and you can never speak against your parents. This causes mental conflict for a man or woman when they see their spouse getting mistreated by their parents. Speak up and defile the God-like parents? Or stay silent and let your spouse stay miserable? It's a tough place to be in if you've grown up believing 'parents are like Gods'.

Those are some of the Indian-specific values that can possibly lead to conflict. However, lot of Indian families get along even despite these things. So, a lot of it depends on the family in question. If suddenly you imposed this preference for males and joint family on Americans, you would see a lot more problems in US too. People are people. It's just some customs make it easier or harder to act good/bad.

 

Hey Poon..
You will soon realize that there is a skewed representation of married Indian ppl out here. Naturally, only people with problems tend to talk more and seek solutions...
This particular question of yours may not be a problem in many households. Speaking for myself, my husband invites his friends over and I invite mine. We plan about the get-together and hang out with each others' friends, but leave the invitation part as such. No hidden issues here..

Cheers