Need help to proceed

Hello IL’ites,
I have posted couple posts earlier and thought I regained my self-respect and can handle the situation but I'm in a fix now not knowing what to do? Thought I would get some of your suggestions. Below is the link to my earlier posts.

http://www.indusladies.com/forums/relationship-with-in-laws/100391-how-to-handle-sil-2.html

I’m a working mom of a toddler and married for 4 yrs. Within a month of shifting to our new home, DH’s cousin (Sister) and her husband joined us as both were out of job. I was not asked but was just told of their arrival. I felt bad for a moment but took it easy as I was always treated like that by DH and thought may be does not think about the necessity to ask me.

Though I was a little inconvenient looking after them I consoled that I’m helping out people in need. SIL’s DH got a job and after a month I felt like they had no plans of moving out and so asked my DH as to when they are moving out. Upon repeated asking, DH bluntly responded as to why I was thinking like they will be moving out soon and added upon asking that he told them not to move until SIL gets a job too. I was quite surprised as to how my DH can make promises like that without even thinking of me. I had a toddler who was completely out of discipline with them around and added SIL was too much intruding into my personal life. I told my DH that it’s hard for me to adjust with a family for long time and added with so much work. He gave me examples of families who lived for years together. He is from such a background too. He knew that I came from a nuclear family and that my parents and immediate siblings are more important to me. But I never differentiated his immediate and cousins nor did I ill-treat them any time. I just vented out my feelings as how we lack the privacy, kids discipline and work. I even added that may be people in <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comffice:smarttags" /><st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1lace w:st="on">India</st1lace></st1:country-region> expect such long visits but being getting married to a guy in US I couldn’t handle people so long and that it’s affecting the quality of my work at office. DH gave me his thoughts about my feelings that 1. I’m being selfish: I took care of them for 2 months without saying a word and we always have visitors from his side either family or friends and I never complained anything but happily let people take me for granted and made big meals. 2. Our family doesn’t have values like his: True that either my mom’s or dad’s relatives never expressed love on one another by having get- together’s every month or live in the same city like his but we always were there morally or monetarily for others. I was offended and told him that it hurt my feelings. DH then told me his ideas below as to how we can work on the situation as below

• He told me to ask her for household help: which I felt wrong because I feel people should feel responsible and help by their own which in my case is not done so took his word and started asking her for help. SIL cleverly started showing her attitude, when DH is around she is very sweet to me and pretends helping me but nowhere of my sight when DH is not home. Thought of telling DH but felt that may be I’ll pass it this time and also wondered if he believes me.

• In regards to Kids discipline and lack of privacy: he told us that we will have to understand and adjust

I could not agree with him on forcing my toddler understand the situation and asked him how long would this continue to which he said may be SIL will find a job in 2 months if not they will feel guilty and leave.

I kept quiet for 1 and half months just for his sake and then realized that SIL’s fly showed no intention of moving out. This SIL and her DH were actually supposed to join another cousin in MI but that cousin’s wife taunted them with words in the first week that they left their place immediately and came to us. But SIL kept very good relations with her after moving to our place (not sure of the reason) to the point that SIL helped my co-sister to decide to let their older daughter (10 grade) take a course in a school that is 30 miles closer to my home. Both SIL and her husband told me couple days earlier about my co-sisters idea and how they assured her. This triggered my patience as they themselves as guests were burden on me and how come they assure another lady without my knowledge though it was just a small girl. Neither did my DH or Co-sister acknowledge me of this fact but yesterday evening SIL told me the date of this girl’s arrival.

I was quiet all day and when asked by DH, I told him that I reached threshold and even slightest things make me feel upset. DH kept asking me the reasons for the trigger and I may be wrong but rather telling the reason asked him when SIL’s will be moving out. This time to my utter surprise he shouted at me as why I was thinking of their moving out and that he told me that they are here for a purpose until SIL gets a job. So it doesn’t matter how long but its just the purpose I will have to look at. DH even told that I’m making an issue. I confronted DH about those 2 months and them feeling guilt to which he told that he must have told that accidentally and he did not mean it.

SIL joined her DH from <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1lace w:st="on">India</st1lace></st1:country-region> with no experience here and added it’s not that easy to get a job sometimes. I reached the threshold of my patience and my DH trying to just pass this by controlling me and forcing me to negotiate with SIL for every thing leaves me miserable. I feel depressed as to things going on and was told by DH not to show any of my sad expressions to his SIL’s fly at my place. I’m out of words to talk about DH. I told DH to tell SIL’s family softly to start their life as her getting job is unpredictable to which he told bluntly that he will not tell her and the only solution to my problem is that we will have to separate. I was shattered on hearing that but as my self-respect went down in the past months I told yes abruptly and stopped conversing.

Today morning, DH called me and asked me what my problem is with them around and told that he would negotiate with her. I felt so non-sense. Why should DH mediate everything between us in assigning work and asking her whatever I told DH? When she showed her attitude to me I’m so sure that she will be manipulative too. BTW is it necessary to carry this unnecessary tension bn both of us just because of them.

DH even added that he never said a word with my parents around here. Which is true as my parents came here to help me during the delivery and kid & everybody knows how humble girl’s parents are before their daughter’s husband. I told DH that I was like that before his parents too and even with his cousin I never ill-treated them but just vented out my feelings to DH. He considers her to be his family and told me that I should be self-less and think them as my family to solve this situation.

Everything will be solved and peaceful if I let them stay here how ever long they will. But to succumb to his words is like leaving my self-respect and peace of mind at the same. Now the situation is either I have to succumb or give up and leave the home.

When I think of self-respect I feel like leaving immediately but thinking of the issue, it’s just so easy to understand and I feel annoyed by the thought that DH is not able to understand.

Please give me some thoughts as to how I can proceed.