Confessions of an erstwhile momma's boy

Menku · Jun 19, 2010

Hi Jay,

I appreciate that you are talking about how ur wife felt and how u are sorry for all this, but really its very very hard to forget and leave such horrible things behind ! I was in a simialr situation as ur wife and I can relate to ur wife when she says such bad/harsh things about ur mom.....She does that cos she is very badly hurt and honestly dont try that she will forget it......But instead tell her/say it that you realise that ur mom was wrong and you are not going down that path again ! This will accelerate the healing process....by your actions you are leaving ur wife to guess that u have chnaged and looking at the past record how on earth will she know that from now on she is to believe ur actions and really you have chnaged !

I know its not the correct thing to say bad things about ur mom, but how would u have handled the situation if u were in her shoes ???? If u would have not used bad words about ur inlaws wat would have been ur course of action????

Just think about it !

Cheers !

BeeAmma · Jun 19, 2010

Jay I am compelled to reply .

Both women have a place in your life and it is your duty as an adult man to fulfill your responsibilities to both. This should not involve being unfair to either parties.

Your mom cared for you and nurtured you, parenting is one tough job and mothering doubly so. She has done her duty by you and your brother. So when it is payback time for you to find justification for your ignoring or vilifying her does not sound fair on your part.

On the same token, knowing that your mom and wife do not get along and that pregnancy is a fragile time, you should not have brought your mother to the US during the pregnancy.

IMO in each phase (mammas boy vs. henpecked) you are trying to appease one at the cost of the other and finding justifications for your behavior.

Given that your bro and sil are caring for her on a day-to-day basis, there is ample justification for you to provide some financial help.

What in your opinion do you think your responsibilities are to your mom and your wife?

JayDixit · Jun 19, 2010

Since you asked a question in your post , I'm compelled to reply

So when it is payback time for you to find justification for your ignoring or vilifying her does not sound fair on your part.
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Yes my mother did care and nurture me. But I don't want her to take advantage of me now by making unreasonable demands and constantly try to pit me against my wife.

IMO in each phase (mammas boy vs. henpecked) you are trying to appease one at the cost of the other and finding justifications for your behavior.
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I don't think I'm justifying my behavior at all. I've presented a history of events over the past 5 years which involved pain and suffering of my wife due to my momma's boy attitude. On the other hand, my mother is oblivious of all the events and when I mention this to her.She thinks she did not do anything wrong and still treats my wife as her 'daughter'.

Ofcourse I being a momma's boy is not my mother's fault. It's MY fault. As adults we are all responsible for our actions. Even today my mother tries to create issues between me and my wife inspite of me telling her bluntly that her tactics will not work anymore.

Given that your bro and sil are caring for her on a day-to-day basis, there is ample justification for you to provide some financial help
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Absolutely. I'm doing the best I can.

What in your opinion do you think your responsibilities are to your mom and your wife?
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I don't know how I can answer such a broad question.There are so many responsibilities as a son and a husband. Besides offering emotional support ,love and affection to both of them, I need to ensure that both of them have all the resources and help to manage their lives.

Visu2k · Jun 20, 2010

JD, it is almost surreal to see that your mother's characterization is almost like that of Lalita Pawar in good old hindi movies. If only, it were so easy to see people in black and white, we wouldn't have had so many dilemmas in life.

That brings me to an interesting question - your mother was like this always and there was a time that you simply listened / followed her and now suddenly you realize your mistake. Somehow this transition doesn't seem continuous! And yes it is amazing!

JayDixit · Jun 20, 2010

JD, it is almost surreal to see that your mother's characterization is almost like that of Lalita Pawar in good old hindi movies. If only, it were so easy to see people in black and white, we wouldn't have had so many dilemmas in life.
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Excuse me, I'm just sharing what me and wife went through ever since we got married. If you think it reminds of old Hindi movie plots/characters, oh well. After all our films and soap operas are supposed to be a reflection of our society with dramatizations and exaggerations.

That brings me to an interesting question - your mother was like this always and there was a time that you simply listened / followed her and now suddenly you realize your mistake. Somehow this transition doesn't seem continuous! And yes it is amazing!
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It is what is.Sorry I do not have a vision of a Hindi film director to make the story seemingly continuous or as interesting you would want it to be with twists and turns. Either you have not read my posts fully or you don't want to believe what I've written.

I think this thread has run its full course. It has generated lot of views/responses with lot of positive feedback and some negative feedback.

I take them all in my stride.

Thanks for your kind words, suggestions and wishes.

Someday I will show this thread to MrsJ.

Hope I can contribute to IL.

Regards,
J

Visu2k · Jun 20, 2010

JD dost, just forget what I wrote. I was at my skeptical self. I understand that it is impossible to put what all anyone has gone through in life in an all encompassing post.

Good luck!

lovelydoll · Jul 12, 2010

i am surprised Jay , but really thankful that u guy's atleast knew now that , mum's are not always sweet as they look.
even i find same issues with DH and waiting for my turn , so that i will have a peaceful environment . He just dislikes everyone of my side and does not allow to speak much to any one , really having a hard phase now .
but, thankful that u realised lately and please be to ur wife's side and have a nice party with all your family. Some day we need to patch , and if it is a great day like ur DD bday, then that will be really good.
hope , ur mum stops working behind now.

Pomegranite · Jul 13, 2010

Hey Jay,
Good for you! And good for your wife and family as well. Continue on as you are on the right path now!
Cheers,
Ami

Raveena · Jul 13, 2010

Hi Jay,

I was surprised to see a post confessing the mistakes you have done.. :thumbsup Good that you have realised.. Never late than before..

Give ur wife some time to realise that you have changed.. Be patient.. Just try to help her in everything she does. Try to be around her and take care of her. A wife's world is around her husband. Her whole world collapses once the husband behaves differently. So whenever she feels the pain she might bring the past as well..So just be patient and try to love her more..I know its difficult with so much happening..

You will win..Just be patient..

All our wishes will be for your success..

1dropLove · Sep 17, 2010

awesome! the best thread ive ever come across.
why not make it a STICKY so that many other men who come here may look deep into their hearts and realise.
i guess 90% of probs here on IL are about MAMA'S BOYS and a controlling MIL.