Mother-in-law creating fights between me and my hubby while I am pregnant

Anks · Sep 11, 2007

Hi !

I have been married for about 8 years. My In-laws are staying at our bussiness property. My husband goes there to take care of bussiness everyday for about 8 hours or more while I am gone to work. He is the only son. He is always concerned about pleasing his mom since he feels that his father has temper issues and his mom did not have a good life all these years.

From day one, she has been trying to control our lives and also tried to show my husband my flaws. She also convinced my husband not to have kids till we have good relation. Finally since I just turned 30 and all her sisters got grandkids, she started pushing us to have kids. I am 7 months pregnant currently. She wants me to make a room for her and she just wants the one across from our baby's room. I want to give her one on the ground floor instead of where our bedroom and kids rooms are. My husband always sees her side and we have issues.

I have heard a long conversation they had while his cell phone was turned on by mistake where she was coaching him to scare me with divorce and how I am sometimes trying to be so nice after fights could be because I am crazy etc. This has left me very hurt since my husband was sharing his ideas about me with her openly. So now whenever, I know something came from her and that's why my husband wants me to do it, he calls me paraniod.

Now, my husband just constantly critizises me and has nothing good to say about me. She has ruined our relationship. I have cried all these 7 months of my pregnancy for one issue or other and feel that she is trying to give me more hard time since she found out that I am pregnant.

I recently decided to take the high road in the best interest of my baby. I am not complaining about my mother-in-law to my husband or telling him that she has brainwashed him and that is why he is doing that. I am also tolerating/ignoring things that I have no say or control over and just letting it go. She wants me to please her and spend time with her during weekends and so does my husband. I am mad that my husband does not want to go with me anywhere during weekends and does not care about making me happy while I am pregnant at all !

However, it is very difficult. She wants me to give her so much importance and so does her son and meanwhile neither of them want to respect me or do or say anything good about me. I am scared about her moving in with me after the baby and what my life will be specially since my husband is always standing up for her rights and is telling from now how the baby is going to be her grandson and how grandsons are more dearer than sons. He thinks that I will not let her mom touch my baby etc and that is not right.

Please advice me on a good solid strategy to tackfully deal with this and future issues.

aasawaree_b · Sep 11, 2007

Hi Anks,

I can see that your MIL is too possessive about her son. That could be bcoz he is her only son. Right now your only concern should be for your baby, and you are doing your best by ignoring her comments and not holding onto the things over which you have no control. Besides all this, I would suggest that you behave in a smart way.

Due to our innocence and open nature, we sometimes say a lot of things to our husband and in-laws, assuming that they would take it the same way as our parents/siblings used to take it. This is where we go wrong. We need to be very careful and think a hundred times before we say anything. We have to play games and put on an act. I hate to do it myself, but it works.

If your MIL wants you to give her more importance and spend weekend with her, do it. I think she is behaving like this just out of insecurity. Please involve her in all possible activities for the time being. I know that you must be craving for quality time just with your husband, but temporarily involve her in your plans. If she is possessive about her grandson and wants a room across your baby's room, please give it. Babies cry a lot during nights and keep us awake when we need rest. I may sound selfish, but if she is willing to take care of the baby, please use her. You need not worry that your baby will get used to her and will forget you etc. This is ********. As long as you are around the baby, he will always be yours and mother always comes first. I have learnt this lesson from my mother and have experienced it.

Try to behave with her in the best possible manner in front of your husband. Then he will ignore her comments about you and will start defending on your behalf. Don't be rude to her even during his absence. And don't forget to see a therapist after your delivery as lot of changes happen in the body. I have seen most of the fights occurring between husband-wife and MIL post-delivery, as there is too much stress for the new mother and the husband feels neglected. So if you can improve the relations with her now only, it would be really good.

Hope it helps,
Aasa

vivbass · Sep 11, 2007

hi dear,
u worry now itself that ur son will love his grandma more than u,the same feeling is what ur mil is having she is unable to tolerate that if her son will change his mind & shows more love to u. itz all becoz of mainly possesive,feels more rights than u,abt her future makes her to behave like this.
don't worry defl'y it'll change by god's grace,pray him sincerely & don't forget to show ur maxi' love to ur hubby & never ever complain abt ur mil to ur hubby & tell him that ur mil is taking care of u very much,also u wants to b with her happily during pregnancy,mainly infront of ur hubby,also tell her that u'll take care of her like how she is taking care of u. also don't forget to praise her infront of ur relatives & her relatives. u'll see the difference in a month or 2,this is from my experience,i thought iam the only person who is suffering by mil like this,but u know everything has changed now,my hubby changed a lot :-D so dear plz be patient & have a happy life. all the best.take care.:2thumbsup:

Shanvy · Sep 11, 2007

hi aks,

Looks like mil is possessive..but at the same time..just think once..r u not already possessive about your unborn baby..worried how to tackle if mil takes more interest in grandson...

What if it was your mom....

Arre, be happy your mil wants to stay opposite to your kids room...there are many in il itself who will happily trade places..if they get a adoring grandma to take care of the baby initially...

since your husband as per your quotes is momma's pet..why dont you see the other side of the coin that is mil's view... ...imagine..if what you would do u have a very unhappy married life.. but you live because of your son..so naturally
you become possessive...

Coming to the point...about husband not taking you out.. tell your husband we will go for a family outing... take her along...tell her u want her also to spend time with you...poor her will come for 2/3 times...then you have all the time...

When you have seen your mom suffer..it never goes out of the son's memory..he will always be supportive of that...(from experience)..so learn to just accomodate her....and you are winning both for life.....

Coming to your pregnancy..think positive things...relax..listen to music..talk to people..mil also..she will be very happy to share with you her experiences....

Anks · Sep 12, 2007

Hi !

Thanks for all your replies. I will work on some of your suggestions.:-D

I am trying my best to keep my MIL who does not drive entertained.
Ever since 8 years, me and my husband never go to watch Indian movies or concert etc alone except once - where my husband was not at all happy and was scared that someone will see just two of us alone and would ask how come we left his mom home ! She comes with us even if it is a Maniratnam movie- with lot of couple stuff. Almost every other weekend we take her out or she is at our place on an average. She never says that this time both of you go alone. Also, she has a big family (3 sisters and 2 brothers) here in or near New Jersey and so we have lot of events to go to as well on her side.

My MIL is telling my husband how one of his other cousin was acting possesive about his baby a few years ago and indirectly teaching him to not be too much attached with his baby - which is not yet born ! My husband is not even trying to listen to the baby's heartbeat or his movements and that is upsetting me and on top of it she is teaching him to not hold the baby too long !

My husband was thinking that I should pump milk and give bottles to him so that once he is ready to go to the bussiness property, he can give the bottles and kid to his mom. My house is just 5 minutes from work so I can come home and breastfeed rather than go to a conference room, pump and store in refreigerator and write time etc. Also if he does that, I would just be seeing the baby 3-4 hours a day after I wake up.

Also, my problem is not that if she moves in with us, she will be too close to my baby instead of me. It is that she will be controlling how the baby will be raised since my husband listens to what she has to say. They want me to continue working 8-9 hours a day- which is OK but I know once I come home I will be cooking, cleaning etc since she will say that my legs are paining so I will take care of the baby while you finish this this and that ! Also, she is not at all clean and is very clumsy. The reason she wants to be upstairs even though she has knee problem is to be close to my husband and our bedroom.
She is in our room and bathroom a lot whenever she gets a chance.

Right now, I do not have quality time with my husband and I am really scared that she will take away the time with my baby as well after I come home.
I am using the peace and surrender route but I will blow out if I am left with nothing to look forward to and I am just working all day.
:icon_frown:

Aarushi · Sep 12, 2007

Can you get your mom to help you after delivery instead of your MIL??

Frankly, your MIL doesn't sound very nice and would make your life miserable if she comes and stays with you.

Did you tell your husband that his mother got to decide how to bring him up and now, you and him should decide how to bring up yr baby?

Does he know that you listened to his conversation with his mom where she was criticizing you? What is his take on that?

Does he go with you to the doctor? Is he excited about the baby? If he doesn't listen to the heart beat, then ask him to listen.

Get him a father parenting book...Have you read the "Pregnancy Bible"? Get it from the library and give it to him...there are many sections in there on how a husband should treat his wife during and after pregnancy.

Finally, have you thought of marital counseling? If your husband does not agree, then you go alone. I'm sure it'll help you. Ask your ob/gyn to recommend someone.

All the best and enjoy your motherhood!

rajmiarun · Sep 12, 2007

Hi,

Dont get things get into your mind too much and keep crying as it will def affect your baby.

Be good to yourself and pamper yourself.

Forget all that has happened and done. Try to get your husband to go with you to the doc. If you cant convince him to come you can talk with your gynec what you are facing and ask her to call him to come and meet her. If even then your MIL insists of coming with you let her come. But always your gynec can tell that she wants to talk to your husband and you alone. Make sure that didnot let the cat out that it is you who wanted to do this. Because this will create more confusions.

If possible get a domestic help telling your husband, even if your MIL is at home, that your MIL is aged and she needs rest and need not be burdened with such works.

naazneen · Sep 13, 2007

Hi Anks,
I'm so sorry to hear about your plight. First of all take a deep breath and relax. Think pleasant thoughts and give your sweet little son a good rub through your belly. Remember he is here right now, enjoy the moment there is right now. You are at work, no mom-in-law, hubby- just you and your son. After that remember atleast for the first 4 months you and your son will get lots of snuggle time together while you are feeding him. This will be your time to bond with him, make sure that you make a practice of doing this alone as much as possible. Except in the hospital ofcourse when you will have to learn how to do so from the nurse.
About the upbringing, really the first year there is only decisions with regards to food, sleeping, clothing etc. Think about the actual logistics of the upbringing of your son from now, then decide where you will let your MIL have her say and where you won't. Pick your battles, see if they are really worth it. I have a 16 month old I am raising all by myself, trust me there isn't any "life changing" thing in the first year. So don't be very worked up if your MIL has her way more than you would like. After the first year? you ask? pray now! god will handle things don't worry. Hopefully you will discover your MIL just wanted to brag stuff to her sisters.
I completely agree with asavaree and vivbass. To it I would add only one thing, observe your MIL- really observe her. In your mind note the things she is doing "right" or "not right". Then think if its worth getting angry about. Another thing the observation does it reveals things about a person. Your knowledge of her personality and weakness will only make your stronger. hey maybe you will begin to like her!
About the husband part, really I agree with vivbass. Men just need their ego fueled, sometimes they do it by playing women against each other. Also about the doesn't listen to heartbeat part- don't fret too much remember our parents-grandparents fathers wern't really that involved with children. We turned out ok. You are a working independent person. Get realistic about your life and find happiness in other interests so that you can deal with this messy situation for now.
On a happier note I want you to note that once the baby is here and you decide to go for a movie or dinner with hubby. MIL won't be able to come with you (who will watch the baby?) Say she says she needs a break- you get to spend quality time with your baby! :-D
When I was pregnant I was very depressed to, my mom told me to not cry soo much or it will affect the baby. The statement didn't help me at all-cause now I felt bad about "hurting" the baby. But then my husband told me to seek counseling and also told me "don't worry (about the baby) you aren't taking alcohol or smoking or drugs. you are doing everything in your capacity to help this baby". Just relax.
Hope this helps Anks. I think your game plan should be "tremendously enjoy the child while he is in your womb, don't fret over the first year but at the same time be smart about your MIL and Husband-observe, learn and choose when to use your knowledge. I'm sorry hon sometimes its just not a rosy picture.
~ Naazneen.