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how do i deal with my second allaince

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by HelpNeeded, Jul 2, 2010.

  1. HelpNeeded

    HelpNeeded New IL'ite

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    Hi pals,
    I am a young female who has gone thru enuff in life and got divorced after so much effort. My parents wanted me to get in for a second alliance and thus found a guy for me who too is a divorcee. The guy and his parents cam home n met me, they liked me. The guy looked cool and jovial. After our meeting, our parents fixed up everything but till date both of us havent spoken to each other.

    His family members keeps on calling me everyday and totally considers as part fo their family memeber. They say that the guy said he liked me but needs time for mariiage. My problem is that I havent spoken to this guy after our meeting. I dont even know for the fact how exactly he wants to go about things.

    And just few days back they gave me his number to tlak to him but he is too reserved that he hasnt responded to my call or message. His family is compltly supporting me telling, get him in my track and they are with me. Only thing since he is reserved and got badly affected by first marriage so he is too scared, thus handle him carefully. FYI its ben more than 5 yrs his divorce is over.

    Please help me on how to go about this situation. Since this is a good alliance inrespect to family bonding and relations, my aprents too are interested int his alliance. But we all are confused.
     
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  2. SHS

    SHS Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi
    I am not the right person to guide you..but i dont think its normal on his part not to respond to your messages n calls...i dont think guys are that weak..infact they shouldnt be...moreover i dont think just because his family is good or its a good alliance u should go for it...TALK TO HIM FIRST..PLS TRY TO KNOW HIM..untill n unless u do that dont take any other step...we shouldnt just get married..we should get married for RIGHT REASONS..moreover why is this entire family reacting like this ??it doesnt seem normal...if they are saying that he is badly affected by first marriage then in that state what justice he will do to u..See you are a girl even then ur trying to make your life..then i cant believe a boy will be so weak..Sorry for such negative comments..But PLS TALK TO HIM VERY CLEARLY..we get life once..cant commit same mistakes again n again..just because u got married once doesnt mean now u have to avoid everything n get married...PLS BE SMART...Sorry if i hurt u in anyways..

    All the best
    stuti
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 3, 2010
  3. ushkrish

    ushkrish New IL'ite

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    hi
    i agree with shs. this doesnt sound good. the family is trying to cook up something. you r also already hurt from the first marriage. you also dont wan t to get hurt again. let him come forward a step on his own. becoz you have already tried to contact him , now it is his turn. he has to come forward and show some interst.if you take it lightly now, chances are that it must be only you and you and again you to be amking things work. this way life would be difficult. allow the guy sometime . see if he responds to you i n a favourable way, and you both can accomodate each other . only then proceed further. all the best
     
  4. ArchanaP

    ArchanaP Silver IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I agree with the other posters. It seems weird that he doesn't respond to your calls however reserved he might be. Doesn't matter if the family is good to you. They might be acting smart to get you hooked. You need to do a background check on the family. Do you know the reasons for him to get divorced? You need to talk to him several times before committing to the relationship. Ask him about his expectations from his spouse. Let him know about your exceptions in the relationship. Please do not hurry into the marriage. There are lot of spouses who are betrayed even the second time.
    Better safe than sorry.
     
  5. reshsabu

    reshsabu Gold IL'ite

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    Hmm.. a couple of things seem fishy here.You are going to marry this guy and spend the rest of your life with him(not his parents). Ideally, he should be the one calling you. Atleast now that you have taken the initiative and called him, he is not even returning your calls.It is strange that he doesnt even want to talk to his future-wife.

    What do they mean - "Get him in your track and we are full support"?
    It sounds like the guy is still skeptical about getting married and his parents are asking you to entice him to get married to you :) .

    I really dont think it is a good idea to "try to get him on your track".
    Isnt arranged marriage supposed to happen between 2 people who are ready for the commitment? He may have his reasons. Whatever the reasons may be, I feel it is best not to get married to someone who is half-hearted.

    Discuss your concern openly with your parents and say that it is very important for you that you meet the guy and get to know him before marrying.

    One more thing - Try to get to know the exact reasons for his first divorce. The guy's aloofness and his parents trying to push him to marry you makes me wonder if everything is fine.

    I am not trying to scare you, but my next door neighbour got married to an IITian and after 1 yr of marriage, she opened up to her parents saying that he has weird ideas about marriage. He wants husband and wife to be "friends" and not have anything more to it. He told her that he had made his stand very clear to his parents even before marriage.The guy's parents had hidden all these from the girl and family assuming that he will "CHANGE" after marriage.

    Really, in a relationship like marriage you dont want to take chances and get into wedlock with some complex person hoping he will "CHANGE" overnight after marriage. What if he doesnt??

    You have just come out of a bad relationship and you deserve to be in a happy marriage now. So, dont take chances.

    Take care !
     
    Last edited: Jul 2, 2010
  6. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    I am not 100% sure how you concluded that the person is reserved. Because, if he was reserved, he wouldn't have been jovial in person. Its odd that he is not calling you. Don't rush, make 100% sure that you talk to him and that you are comfortable before saying yes.
    You are vulnerable right now, that's why you are making excuses for him not calling you. Dont rush...please.
     
  7. reshsabu

    reshsabu Gold IL'ite

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    Exactly!! SHS is right.
    Just to add on, 5 yrs is a long time. Even after 5 yrs of divorce, if he is not able to forget about the first marriage and willing to move on, then that can be a problem.
     
  8. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hello Dear

    First things first. Never beleive such talks from parents. That is getting someone in control or in track. Am sure the guy is a grownup and he knows very well how to handle his emotions and life. If he is that badly affected, and is not even ready to talk to you at this juncture, isnt it going to be too tough for you incase if you both get married.

    First of all dont rush things. Talk to him over phone. Try again n again. Let him know that you dont want to rush things and take it one step at a time and understand what are his expectations and goals in marriage and share what you expect from your spouse. Also doesnt matter what they tell you about their EX, please do a thorough background check on why and what happened. Dont try to blame his EX or totally beleive in what his parents say. If you both try to talk , and meet up once in a while you would know whether you have something in common and what is his true nature.

    Remember one thing, if he is this stubborn i.e not ready to talk, who knows whether he is interested in marriage or not, and if he is interested, did he tell you that he liked you and want to move forward?inspite of you calling him, he avoiding you is not good. Check whether he is marrying out of his parents forcing him.

    Better safe than sorry. So dont rush things. Take one step at a time. First of all understand whether he is the one you want to marry. There will be many who would like you, but ask yourself what do you expect from your spouse and check whether he fits into those expectations. Dont think that after marriage things will settle down or that he would change, always ask yourself what if!!! dont start compromising and adjusting now itself to get married.
     
  9. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    It appears that the guy is not interested in the match and his family wants him to marry you since you are appropriate.
    They are talking to you so that you get emotionally involved with them . Maybe he wants to marry someone whom his family does not like. Just because both the parents think that it is a good match is not enough.
    Stop talking to his family or distance yourself , you could get emotionally hurt as you will start liking them . They are sounding fake and too loving . Both the families could emotionally blackmail you into this match because they like each other.
    Tell your parents that you do not like him as he does not return calls etc so how can you spend your life with him. Be frank as you cannot let emotions play with your life. The final decision is yours.
    Hope they understand and drop the idea.
     
    Last edited: Jul 2, 2010
  10. HelpNeeded

    HelpNeeded New IL'ite

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    Thank you so much for all the 8 replies,I feel a bit relaxed. And most of you have mentioned the exact feelings i have in mind.

    I seriously doubt their attitude towards me - i mean the expression of love and care. My family is more of suttle calm and reserved. Just me who is more open with society. But still when people over express affection, i feel it being faked.

    2ndly these people are far well of financially and we are upper middle class. And they have enough influence to get much better alliances, then why me? (These people including the guy are settled in India)

    3rd, they have told me not to discuss anything about my future to this guy nor ask about his past in any of our conversations, as its a nightmare and dont unnecesarily dig. Thus she knows what exactly went wrong in my life, while I know only the 2-3 core points of his past life. And since am out of India, I do not have much source to dig things.

    4th, they mentioned to me this guy married a girl who was from village and dont know anything and thus they had differnce in opinion. But due to my doubts and with the little info i collected from them, I got to google this ex-girls name and found her to be more of stylish, well educated and capable female. So i seriously donot know whats the scenario.

    Irrespective of we all living abroad, my parents are too naive and think everyone is sincere. So whenever I tell them my doubts, they tell me to think positively. At times, they tell me i can be stubborn with my stand, but end of the day they tell me to come down a littl, only good things will happen.

    While I am writing this thread I have finally receieved this guy's sms now. saying "he is out and was checking through all his sms and found mine", I knwo am sounding too kiddish, but I think more than my family meembers you people out here can give me better suggestions.

    I am confused.
     

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