Forgive & Forget ? .. Please Advice

Priya_Mommy · Jul 1, 2010

Sushma,
Very sad to hear your situation, hugs to you!
Forgive,forget and Move ahead, what a great statement they passed after doing all this mess. YOu would have filed a dowry harrassement case on them rather a simple mail fraud case. They have no rights to ruin your peace of mind and create rifts between you and your husband.
Let you DH understands about your current state of mind and your expectations towards him wrt to your inlaws. Be frank and bold, I think you have gathered lot of strength and successfully proved your FIL at fault. I think the old peole might have planned in such a way to harrass you mentally by throwing this kind of cheap tricks and useless mails.
Keep away with them and maintain distance.
All the very best and be strong.

ArchanaP · Jul 1, 2010

Sushma,

Honestly, after what your ILs have done to you, forget about forgiving and forgetting, I feel it's not safe for you to even be around them. OMG, really, I have the exact same question as your mother. Is your DH their own son? It's plain sick and disgusting that someone blackmails their own daugther-in-law with such a nasty and abusive language. Forgive and forget must be your decision not their's. Please think thousand times even before trying to have a hi/bye relation with them. It's better for you and your DH to stay away from them completely. Absolutely no contact. But ILs are right about one thing, forget and move on but do it without them in your life. Disgusting people.:rantWitsend

sushmamohapatra · Jul 2, 2010

@Ars: Its absoulutely correct that they just want to pose infront the entire world, that things are fine between them and their son. They are very selfish. I could make this out, as when we went there to talk, the security guard told, that he was seeing us after months and had been asking my inlaws about us.

@Priya16: Somewhere I too agree, that now that he has stood for me, I should not nag with him on this topic. But at the same time, I had asked him to talk onlny when he feels low thinkning about such things, otherwise we both will not be able to move ahead in our marriage. Let them be as they are, but that topic or they both (MIL n FIL), should not affect our marraige, which they have tired already. If you feel I am wrong, you can tell me and put forth your views. The no of. times I visited them (its only 2ce in last 4 months after the police case), I have agot a feeling of suffocation and then all of a sudden me and my DH well silent. He being silent was understood, but I just could feel good after hearing or seeing them, as it pushed me back to the police case, and the way they behaved in the police station being firm that they havent done anything. Those glares full of wickedness, a cheap look that haave given me at that time, and everything they wrote to me! Even if i hear about them from my DH, I become irriated and restless. I know should calm myself. But it just makes me recall everything they did to me.

@Chocolate: My DH coming in my inlaws talks is what I can see in the time coming ahead. My BIL meets my DH on and off. I cannot or rather dont want to stop this meeting business. But my BIL keeps pressing my DH to go home andmeet parents or call them and talk, becasue they are HIS parents, and to forget forgive and move ahead. BIL all the time keeps pressuring DH that he is at loss by not meeting his family, and he will be losing the time if he doesnt understand or listen to him to patch up parents (I dont why he said so). MIL said, I get pain in my heart, my heart is weak, as I am suffering seom vertigo problem, so I can a attacj anytime. Then you will repent later. Such are the things that they are using as a tool to pull DH towards them. I dont know what to do, as I dont want to spoil my relation with DH, but at the same time, I know they all are fake and just moulding him emotionally to get their monthly expenses and to make their image great in society that yes their SON is with them.

@ShilpaMa & Priya_mommy: Thank you so much for your hugs . Indeed this is positive point for me to have a proof at hand, to show my inlaws are culprits.. I tried to be normal to my DH saying that I dont want to talk about them, not even I want you to be distrubed by all this, as already we have wasted OUR time after all these stupid things. My DH is actually in a shocked state (whcih is expected). Becasue he loved his parents alott or maybe he does even now. He is not able to digest the act that his parents have done. My inlaws sent such dirty emails only to ensure that I reply something and then they would show it some or the other way to my DH and parents that see you wife / daughter is such a characterless women. And if not this then, they would have continued to harass me this way, until I got fedup and complained!. My dad wanted them behind bars, becasue even in police station they had their ego baloons bloated!! and not ready to accept their mistake. But seeing my DH, my mom advised not to do so.

@ArchanaP : I am of the same opinion, that I donot want to be in touch with them AT ALL. But I am just confused, as to will this really be effective for me to lead a normal peaceful life with DH. As Dh, either today or tomorow will definitely want to meet his parents out of love or anything. And the day it starts, I know I will have a hard time being with him. I have seen him how he becomes once he listens to his mother about all the dunitadaari gyan x-( (all stories she build picking from some or the other persons life! ).

Yesterday also, Dh met BIL, and was too upset, becasue BIL is losing his job in layoff. Also, becasue of all these issues, BIL seemed to be completely lost, becasue inlaws keepin bugging him to force DH to meet them and be with them. So at a point I felt, DH would compromise for his brother's sake, where I know, all these things are just a way to pull DH towards them. My BIL might not be doing this intentionally, but all his statements, thoughts that he is expressing infront of DH are of his parents. He is saying all like a parrot and not understanding the after effects of all this.

Sushma

ushkrish · Jul 2, 2010

hi
i ve no words. a father-in-law writing such bad emails?????? the term fil itself lost its meaning. get assuarence from dh that he will not do anything that will spoil your honour. if your fil/mil are to learn a lesson they should be kept at a distance for the time being by your dh. It is only your dh who can make them realise what they did was wrong and not acceptable in any law, language. they should apologise to you, until such time they should be defenitely be placed at a distance so that they may not harm you. your dh should think of this very seriously and he can provide some amount for their sustenance but not for their luxuries. it is all entirely in the hands of your dh, since he may not have let the person scott free had it been some third party and not his parents.it is upto him to save the honour of his dw.

Priya16 · Jul 2, 2010

am of the same opinion, that I donot want to be in touch with them AT ALL. But I am just confused, as to will this really be effective for me to lead a normal peaceful life with DH. As Dh, either today or tomorow will definitely want to meet his parents out of love or anything. And the day it starts, I know I will have a hard time being with him
Click to expand...

Sushma,

Some people could manage there husbands not to visit parents and not to touch with parents and it's all depend on your husband what kind of person he is.
In my house,whatever may be the case(my in-laws bad mouth me anything) my husband won't ask me to talk to them but he never every stay away from them.He never be goody goody to them but at the same time he will do his responsabilites.
First you need to udnerstand your husband.No matter what today or tomorrow he has to take care of his parents then it's unnessary time waste for you how to keep away him from his parents.Let them do whatever they want and this person should able to understant it.
Tell him clearly that you can meet tham and you can do your repsonbilites but don't show that frustation in house.I beleive your relation will get strong after some years.At the time no one can change your relation.
When two brothers,typically other brother will force this guy to take care of parents.
I gave up 50laks worth of property just for sake of my MIL and his brothers issue just for my own peace.So something you can't really control.Only you need to see what is the best solution and how to handle things.Only your husabnd would understand your pain when your parents did the same stuff for him.Otherwise it won't be much affect them.Moreever he might know his parents from his childhood,so it may not be a big deal for him.
Whatever may be the case,don't impose any conditions on your husband.Let him deal with his parents and you stay away from it and tell him not to distrub you with there issues.

My BIL bad mothed me very badly before my brother and my father.My husband not even worried about that.He told me ,infact he even shouts on me all the time and what do you do for it?You only worry for yourself and you don't worry about me.See what a man!
That brother arranged party for all his relatives with our money when we went to India trip last month.There is no way we can control these thigns.If we start talking then things only will get worse and we loose our peace.Some women can do that.But it's depend on our personality.What extreme can we go and do control these things?So for my personality best suit is just leave these ugly things done by third party and move on.
Somehow we have to go with BIL because my MIL lives with him.We have to leave somethings just becasue we married to there sons and that realtion no way could go away.We can get divorced but parents realtion never go away anywhere.
You can stop for one or two years but after that there is no way you can control.So why to worry for some small amount of time which we control things.

ars · Jul 2, 2010

Sushma,
Is image important to your husband too or he only wants to do his duties towards his parents.
If he is getting upset after meeting BIL, I don't how much of you talking or asking will help it might sound like nagging and make him more upset.
After back from work specially on the days he has met BIL go out for walk or maybe even to the neighbourhood temple. You see all the +ve energies in the temple will calm the nerves.
Hope he opens up to you soon so you know how both of you can move ahead together.

sonalst · Jul 3, 2010

Tell your DH that if he decides to maintain contact with his parents, he loses you. With the crap that your FIL sent you via e-mail, how can he even decide to maintain contact with his parents ? Ask him point blank that would he be quiet if some person abused you in front of him ? Your FIL sent e-mails saying about "sleeping with you" and what not. How can your husband stand this crap ? Either he cuts off all relationship with them, or you decide to leave him. TELL HIM THIS.

All the best.

sushmamohapatra · Jul 9, 2010

sonalst said: ↑

Tell your DH that if he decides to maintain contact with his parents, he loses you. With the crap that your FIL sent you via e-mail, how can he even decide to maintain contact with his parents ? Ask him point blank that would he be quiet if some person abused you in front of him ? Your FIL sent e-mails saying about "sleeping with you" and what not. How can your husband stand this crap ? Either he cuts off all relationship with them, or you decide to leave him. TELL HIM THIS.

All the best.
Click to expand...

Thanks Sonal for the response, but I too had thought the same thing of keeping a choice infront of my DH to either chose me ior them. But then I just thought by keeping myself in his situation, that IF my parents would have done something like this (atleast not sending mails, my parents barely know to even start a computer! or send and SMS) which would have been unacceptable, and my husband would have given me a choice between him or my parents, I would have broken down. Becasue I equally love my parents and my DH, and would not have been able to chose amongst them. Though I donot want to keep any relations with them, and donot want them to talk to me or visit us at our home or even see me. I feel asking DH to chose would be something wrong. I have left the decision to him, becasue they are his parents at the end. Despite they being selfish for his hard earned money and all my gold that I got in my wedding, still he loves them. He feels humiliated when he recalls what my inlaws wrote to me, and the way he used to suspect me sometimes, IF I had some relations like this wid someone else before our marraige and the way we fought! He surely doesnt want to go back to them, maybe not so soon, or he may take few years. But I dont want to spoil my relation with him by giving him a choice like this. In such situation I have my take which will always be given priority and importance, then why to unecessarily feel guilty later for our act? by keeping DH in dilema, as to what to do ?

Dear Ars,

My DH does think about image, but it cannot be only his parents who can expect him to take care of their image, but even they need to do it for both of us. They are selfish, he had completely understood that, and knowing that they want things to sort if ONLY for money, and yes for their status in their society and ppl who know them. They donot beleive in giving respect to me (now which I dont even expect!), but DH told them clearly, that until they realise and apologies for what they have done is wrong, he will not talk or accept any nonsense from them. He also made it clear to them, not to make fake calls of anyone falling sick coz if someday they will fall sick seriously HE will not turnup thinking this is fake call again! They have still not agreed that they sent those emails, where in after that police case, I have stopped receiving emails completely and no one except my family(parents n sisters) and his (parents n bro) knew about this case. His mother still had an attitude and shouted at us when we went 2 weeks back, that "Am I a crimial, jo tum logo ne mujhe aise police station mein bulaya aur pura din natak kiya! You treated me like criminals! I have not written anything!".

At the end, all it matters is my DH supporting me, which he is doing. If he feels like meeting them, I need to think about it, becasue once he starts meeting them, they will again emotionally get hold on him and my life will again be a mess!

Till the time they are far.... we are happy!

Sushma

bebe · Jul 9, 2010

Dear Sushma

OMG what your IL´s did is beyond forgiven or forgetting! Good for you that you are standing up to them and not taking their crap! I think it is a very wise thought that you have not made your husband choose between you and them. The foremost important thing is that you strenghten your relationship with your husband. Make him feel that you understand his position, but dont ever bulge into forgiven or meeting them, these people are poison. Best would be for you, in my humble opinion, not to go discuss this situation with your husband anymore, but in the same time being there for him, because he must be really deeply hurt by what his parents did. Get your peace of mind back, be strong and let the others ruin their lives themselves. Your IL´s have noone else to blame then themselves... Girl, get your life back be happy, and let your husband deal with your ILs. Whatever he decides is his decision. You stay strong end cut them completly out of your life....

ars · Jul 12, 2010

Sushma,
Glad to know Image doesnot matter to your DH.
Just support him in what ever he does in future he is definetly standing by you now.
Don't worry when he visits them and they try to emotionaly brainwash him, have faith in your DH. I don't think he is of the type who can be brainwashed especailly after the email incident and the way he is reacting to it.
Just pray for a happy loving married life. As a couple put this in the past and talk about future. Focus your energy on the next goal you both want to accomplish as a couple.
Good luck and God Bless.

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