New Crisis! Please help me!

Thanks for going through the suggestions Ushie. I am sorry about your plight.

Anytime, when marriage is not going well, we have two options. Stay or Leave. We dont want to tread through the lattr way. Lets stick to option1 stay. At the same time we cannot stay, and for this you have to work hard (control is what you need. control your emotions curb your wishes for a certain period of time). Your hard work will pay you back, then all your wishes will be fulfilled without asked.

So the same way, try to curb your feelings about your FOO. Whether you visit them or not, talk to them or not, your love towards them will not reduce and your FOO knows you. So they would understand and not worry. Thats the beauty with FOO. No matter what happened, we can always patch without any ruffles. They accept us. But it will not be the same with Husband or spouse.

Your spouse is very insecured. Help him get over it. As long as you keep talking/concered about anybody else other than him, he is going to feel insecured. For some time concentrate only on him. You are in america, forget that you have anybody in america. Dont build negativity towards him, it would not help the purpose. Ushie if we were to chose option 2 which is 'leave', then we woul dnot have to worry about changing him. but the point is how much vexed are you? are you vexed enough to leave him? can you forget him. if thats the case i would have asked you to come out. Set yourself a period of time, and be very stict to yourself and see if with in that time you see any improvmenet may be you can extend ti, and he will come around. If you donot see any imp, then you know the exit door.

Okay. got to go. will write more later. All the baove was not related to the issue at hand. its for the longer run.

As for now. Let him talk first. or just mention that "my brother is also visiting the function. If you choe not to be there , its fine with me, no issues. we can plan a nice outing for ourselved during that time, just us" and leave it to him to decide. Go on doing your work. he will come to you with whatever decision. Good Luck.

Sorry if you feel like am lecturing.

 

Hi Ushie,

Yes, there will be lot of imporovment if you stick to the plan, plan being, u should be strong, and ready to face any consiquesnces, trust me men are very scared of their respect in the society, i am not asking u to use there weakness, but warn them that if they cross their limits of being human (verbal & physical) abuse then u are ready to go to any extent, by this time ur husband should have realised since u already approached lawer and went legally against him, even then if he did not change then that's an alarm.

Good Luck and no matter what never ever loose ur self-respect at any cost it might be any body, if u dont respect urslef no one will respect, same way u need to know how to protect ur self-respect, always be smiling, look confident, and stick to ur words.

Good luck, let me know how it goes.

 

hi ushie,
your user name attracted me to read your post. for it is by that name my folks call me.
after going thro your posts andthe replies i felt the following things:
1. your husband is highly insecure in his mind and that comes to fore when you are all to gether.
2. you have not mentioned any thing about the steps you have taken to improve the situation. going for the counsellin g is o.k. how far you were able to implement what has been told there.
3. imagine family is a machine. you have to apply lubricating things to make it run smoothly. sometimes satisfying each other's ego also goes a long way in keeping the general happiness of the family alive.
4. if your dh says that he wont attend any function that your brother is attendi ng then it is quiet possible that you wont be attending any of your family function.
tell your dh that he is important to you, and in the same place you should be to him in the sense that he should a bit go out of the way(though not in common parlance)to be cordial with your folks. ask him to forget whatever your bro,sis,mom told him just as he is forgetting what all he told about them.
tell him that no one is perfect in this world and if we keep away everyone for their mistakes we would left with no one in this world.
tell him that his over controlling you makes you feel that you are being denied of a rightful place in the family and that is what is affecting the bondage between both of you and not the attention that you get from your folks when you visit them occasionally.
tell him also that his way of behaving is taking a toll on your mental and physical health and that if he wants to enjoy life any better he necessarily has to start to treating you better.
tell him all these in a most positive and polite and assertive tone so that he understatands that you are really serious about what you are saying and that is what is what you really want from him.
tell him also that if he is willing he will defenitely change and that will bring happiness in you and that with happiness around the home you can achieve anything. and you need not waste your energy over a trivial matter like visiting your sis place for a few hours.(you have been worrying yourself about this for the last one week going by your post) tell him plainly that you had to spend time in anxiety over really a trivial matter just because of his nature, and that if he can change bit, justfor your sake and not for anybody else you can spend the same time and energy in someother useful matters like dd's education, cleaning the house etc.

above all the other things is that you should have the mental set up that "this is my family and i will do my best to set it right". WHERE TO START?
should start from you. like someone here said, make some restricytions to yourself and follow them ,plan your life , plan your future, and the role you r going to play in building the life of both of you. just pin pointing by dh about what each one said about another during some occassion or cribbing like won't take a step forwaqrd in the qulity of the life you are leading.
YES IT IS THE QUALITY CHANGE IS WHAT IS REQUIRED IN YOUR THINKING AND YOUR DH 'S ATTITUDE . IF IT HAPPENS YOUR LIFE WOULD SOON TRANSFORM TO A BEAUTIFUL EXAMPLE TO ALL THOSE KNOW YOU PERSONNALY AS TO HOW A LIFE CAN BE MADE SUCCESSFUL.
THANKS FOR READING MY LONG REPLY
all the best for a good future.
usha

 

Dear Ushie. Adjusting because for your sister's alliance is wrong. And adjusting till you get financially independant is a big no. its like an ambush. That is not right. A spouse whther husband or wife, is not just for financial dependance, and once you have that you are free to go? not that way. That becomes taking adavantage of someone. Please understand that.

Do not think about leaving him. Your problems are not worthy of divorce. You both need to be together. Stop thinking along those lines. Every time you get such thoughts, think about something nice he has done to you.

About the problem in hand, what i said in my previous comment, would work fine. Just tell him your brother is attending the party as well and if he (your husband) is not going to feel comfrotable, then lets stay at home. This option comming from you will make him think. okay and leave it. dont ever bring it up. Even if you attend the function, make it a short visit. Good Luck.

Dear Ushie , if it was your husband that came here looking for advices, i would have given him a different peice of advice. would have asked him to adjust and work on marriage. Thats what spouses are for. Adjust for each others sake. Wishing happiness to you and your husband.

 

Dear Ushie,

I understand u. Parents and siblings always have rosy dreams for us, but what to do, not all of us have beautiful dream come trues.

Ur relatives are indeed important, in fact u have grown up with them and spent best part of ur time with them. But dear, even one day after ur marriage, this new relationship becomes ur priority and no take off on that. yes na?

Tell ur DH abt ur fears. And tell ur siblings too, that in case of any problem, u have no other way but to stand by ur husband and that they ll have to understand ur helplessness.

All said, sometimes the worst fears and scary dreams end up as nothing at all.

So, who knows, may be everything will settle down to nothing

All the best. I ll pray for u

 

Hi Ushie
please imagine a warm hug from me.
After reading your mail i feel (may be m utterly incorrect) i feel that there is a total lack of communication in and out of your family.
talk issues that concern you strongly and effectively to your husband first and then to your bro too.
Why are you taking every nonsensical thing in your stride. be assertive and do not tolerate any more verbal and physical abuse. u have a daughter who is soaking up all seen and is forming her own issues. show her that we are not submissive for the wrong reasons.
First talk to your husband. or this gettogether will be a golden opportunity for issues to be solved. let all of them shout and talk but atleast intentions will be understood and framed.
I wish i am giving you sound advice. please know your strengths Ushie. u are underestimating yourself. everything is not in your own hands atlest something is. ONE MORE THING. TRY THIS. SIT CALMLY IN ONE PLACE(COULD ALSO BE UR TOILET SEAT) AND IMAGINE WITH ALL CONVICTIONS AND WITH NO DOUBT THE EXACT MEETING YOU WANT BETWEEN UR FAMILY MEMBERS. IMAGINE AND LIVE IT FOR AS MUCH TIME AS POSSIBLE RATHER THAN DWELLING ON YOUR PROBLEMS. IT WILL WORK
Ushie u can do it