MIL BIL and FIL problem

RomaSharma · Jun 22, 2010

Hi Guys,

This is my first post here and here is my story -

I come from a middle class but highly educated family of doctors, engineers and researchers, having a top professional degree myself. Had an arranged marriage with my DH who had the same qualifications as I did and moved here with him and got a similar job right away. DH is a very nice and polite person and takes good care of me and our kid. He is even helping me get advanced degrees from US after I stopped working to take care of my kid. He also sent money when my dad fell sick in India.
FIL is a Retired Govt. officer. Youngest BIL got into an accident when he was young and he is small handicap. This was the "reason" why he could not study after high school. But DH helped him to open a business and he is doing fine now. Happily married to my co-sis who comes from a very poor family and has separated her house from my inlaws within 2 years of her marriage. No body (including my DH) told me about it till we visited them last year when I found it out.

The middle BIL (30+ years) is a Non Medico who has only established himself in last 2-3 years. He has had 2 broken engagements but now he is getting married to a doctor who is older than him in an arranged marriage. He does not interfere with my life but likes to take away all my DH's time (Hopefully things will change from next month when he gets busy with his new wife). He keeps asking DH to send money for various home projects like purchasing property etc. He acts like a godfather of the family.

There was a little confusion and bitterness during our wedding due to my inlaws demand of clothes for all the relatives from my DH's side. It may be partially my parents mistake also but nobody from my side told me anything about it. My inlaws including my youngest BIL have been misbehaving with me since we got married. It can be their comments about my looks, my slim body, my parents not coming to take me when I have to go to my place, wearing saree instead of salwar kameez, my not saying "jee" after every sentence or something else !
The BIL used to be quite clingy to my DH and my DH does not want to say anything to him because it will hurt his feelings. All these things are never applied to my co-sis. I talk with her on very special occasions and keep out of her affairs.
My DH is highly appreciative of my talents but becomes a totally different person when we go to India. He believes that we should send all our money to India and work like servants for the parents without uttering a word. All these things look very good in a movie but I really hate when I have to go to India.

My questions are
1. Should I stop talking to my Inlaws on phone because I really hate to pretend that I like them when I don't?
2. What should I do about the properties that my husband has bought in India?
3. My inlaws have visited here only once when they made my life totally miserable.
4. My DH hides a lot of things from me when it comes about his family. SHould I I confront him?
5. I really do not want to go for my BIl's wedding because last time my other BIL yelled at us in front of his new wife for a petty reason even after we changed all our schedule and went to his wedding.
6. My DH acts like a spineless fellow in front of his family. Should I try to change him?
7. My FIL likes to hug the DIls when we touch his feet. I find it totally weird but how should I tell this to anyone? He may be totally innocent but I really don't like it.
8. He is super fond of bragging about himself all the time and putting me down for one reason or the other. He likes my co-sis though. Last time when we went to India, he was more interested in taking her to places than us.

What should I do?

Malyatha · Jun 22, 2010

1. Should I stop talking to my Inlaws on phone because I really hate to pretend that I like them when I don't?

Yes, you should stop talking to them if you really don't want to!

2. What should I do about the properties that my husband has bought in India?

Whose names are these properties in? If they are in his sole name or in joint names with someone else, then you should insist on being added to the title. This will protect your interests in case anything happens to your husband. But be diplomatic about it - this is a delicate issue and while I understand your concerns, I urge you to approach this very carefully but very assertively.

3. My inlaws have visited here only once when they made my life totally miserable. I don't want to call them here for short visits also !

Sorry, but you are out of luck here. They are his parents and do not need a specific invitation from you to visit their son here. Just like your parents don't need an invitation from your husband to visit you here! The best thing for you would be to manage to keep yourself busy / unavailable when they do visit you if they are really intolerable and their behavior towards you is unacceptable (for whatever reasons)
.
4. My DH hides a lot of things from me when it comes about his family. SHould I I confront him?

What sort of things does he hide? Unless these are issues that directly affect you, such as investment decisions, sending money to his family etc, I don't think you should confront him about things that won't make any difference to, or impact, you.

5. I really do not want to go for my BIl's wedding because last time my other BIL yelled at us in front of his new wife for a petty reason even after we changed all our schedule and went to his wedding.

Don't go if you don't want to. But just because your one BIL behaved like an ass during your visit does not mean that this one should do so as well but you know them better than I do. Use your discretion and don't take any crap from anybody. If it means avoiding them / their celebrations, then by all means, do so.

6. My DH acts like a spineless fellow in front of his family. Should I try to change him?

Will he change if you try? But it's worth a shot, so I don't see any harm in you 'trying'!

7. My FIL likes to hug the DIls when we touch his feet. I find it totally weird but how should I tell this to anyone? He may be totally innocent but I really don't like it

Just tell him that you do not wish to be hugged. If it means that you stop touching his feet, then you should. You don't respect him anyway, so why touch his feet????

8. FIL is super fond of bragging about himself all the time and putting me down for one reason or the other. He likes my co-sis though. Last time when we went to India, he was more interested in taking her to places than us.

So? What exactly is the issue here? How does your FIL's relationship with your co-sister affect you? Should he not like her or take her places? Or do you want him to spend more time with you?

9. Should I tell my 10 year old daughter why I don't like her grand parents?

NEVER. NOT in a thousand years. Don't ever try to poison an innocent child's relationship with her grandparents. They may or may not like you but it is TOTALLY unfair on your part to try to damage their relationship with their grand-daughter. If you do try to poison her mind, then be prepared to face the repercussions from your husband.

10. My MIL never gifts me anything (not even a saree) but she gives my co-sis very beautiful sarees for her birthday/anniversary.

So? You don't like her, she probably senses this and does not give you anything. If you want gifts from her, then you should try to build a good enough relationship with her so that she gives you special attention and tokens of appreciation on your birthdays / anniversaries, too.

11.My co-sis who is about 7 years younger than I am totally ignored me and my daughter and kept talking to my DH during his call to India. My DH said that he was just being polite with her after I scolded him for ignoring me.

Did YOU ask to speak to her??

What should I do?

Most of your issues are ignorable. Don't make mountains out of molehills. Stand up for yourself and don't take any nonsense from anybody but don't sweat the small stuff either.

Good luck!