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In-laws verbally abusive and intruding.

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by asuitablegirl, Feb 5, 2008.

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  1. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Thank you for caring Rosenav, I too have heard stories about girls getting married for status and it makes me so sad. There were lots of other girls though he could have picked, ones that had more money and were already out of school. My DH treats me very well, except for when it comes to his parents. He has stood up for me a couple of times, but if you could see his mother (my MIL), you'd know how hard it is. One time she was saying bad stuff about me and he told her to stop, but she just kept going, so much so that he couldn't sleep all night hearing her talk on the other side of our bedroom door.

    His parents didn't want us to get married, but still he defied them to marry me, even though they had several other u.s. citizen girls he could have been with that they approved of. it's this thought that makes me think perhaps somewhere in his heart he loves me. i don't care if it kills me, i won't let his mother have the last say in the matter of our marriage. she only cares about coming here to stir up trouble and brag to everyone at home about coming to u.s.

    if DH didn't care about me at all, he would have let his parents come anyway next month, instead he told them no, even though it makes him look bad. my only worry though is that eventually she will come here again, and once she is here, it is very hard for either me or DH to go against her in person. she plays nice on the phone to calm the waters, but in person she abandons all dignity and becomes simply mad. :spin

    you're right, i'm not going to plan for kids until at least i'm done with my studies. at least then i will have two feet to stand on should something go wrong. i don't want to give up on my marriage though, it means so much to me, even though it has its bad moments.

    i'd like to know why men often have a hard time going against their mothers to defend their wives? MIL's often think since they have a son they are entitled to act however they want without consequence. why do sons put up with this, even though wife is clearly so upset?

    thanks again for your advice. please let me know if there is a mistake in anything i have said, or if you think i'm not seeing things clearly. my biggest fear is that my love for DH will cloud my judgment.
     
  2. Indialove

    Indialove New IL'ite

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    Hoping and praying God has the best for you in your future.. You are surely a brave, loving and a forgiving person.. It would be a Good and God idea to work this marriage..My vote is for that..

    But if it endangers your life or studies and ur basic rights, dont be emotionally struck..At any case, do not abandon your studies.. You are very young going thru this..If you have attained a good education and a job, you can stand on your own feet and be emotionally and financially be able to take a good decision.Please be very careful not to plan for kids. If you had to do abortion, then that will be a pain added in ur life.
    I am glad that you are in America and not India.. In America, you can call 911 for help and in America there is equal rights for men and women and they wont put up with any kind of abuse to anyone..There is justice in America if u need..
     
  3. jags

    jags New IL'ite

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    Hi ASG,

    I have been a silent reader all along in this forum. I am really sad to read yor post. So I thought would reply.I have seen you giving smart and wise suggestion to everybody's problem here. So please calm down and take a deep breath. You are not wrong in what you think, try to explain to your husband when he is in a good mood that it really spoils the relationship between you both when his mother is here. I really think your MIL has pychiatric problem or thyroid problem. I haven't seen any normal person behave like this it is very strange
    Please concentrate and finish you studies this is my sincere advise to you.I hope everything turns out good for you. you are so young you deserve to be happy.
     
  4. sonpari1000

    sonpari1000 New IL'ite

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    I think this is quite an old thread (over 2 years) and there are replies from members who havent noticed the date of the thread.

    Anyway ASG, it made me wonder for a while how things are with you now.
    Did your MIL visit you in Dec 2008?

    I want to also let you know that I have always been appreciative of your posts. You seem to have a mature outlook at such a young age.
    Wish all is going well with you.
     
    Last edited: May 26, 2010
  5. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    OLD thread. ASG is an expert in dealing MIL now :)
     
  6. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    My friends,

    Wow, this is indeed an old post. I've come such a long way from the pain I felt when I first penned this thread, it feels like a different life almost. My husband supports me now, he has turned into the best hubby I could ask for. He has really stepped up to the plate and taken control of the situation.

    Indialove, we are not planning for kids right now. Maybe in a few years. We're trying to get financially settled. As for my schooling, I've since graduated and now I'm in the MBA program. In May 2011 I graduate from that and start working. Thank God my once abusive husband has really reformed himself. It took a long time, but it was worth it. Today he is a different person. He grew up in a loveless family, then entered a loveless marriage, then a loveless divorce. He really just had to learn how to love and trust again. Once he got the hang of it, things got better.

    Jags, yes, I have since realized my mil's behavior goes way beyond the normal realm of society. I definitely agree with you that she has some mental disorder (her brother does too). There is no need for me to explain to my hubby anymore what his mom is up to. He knows and can hardly stand her. He has very little contact with them, I have zero.

    Sonpari, no they did not come in 2008. Dh basically told them that after what they had done, they were not welcome back in our house until further notice. Maybe someday I will change my mind about that, but for right now, we don't want them around.

    They have since tried to get my dh to come for 'family reunion' type things in Dubai and India in 2009 and 2010, he has declined it all. We're simple people trying to live a simple life, and we just don't want that type of drama. Not to mention, I don't feel safe around my mil. Crazy people do crazy things. I'm not really interested to find out what she would do to me in India on her home turf. Thanks but no thanks. :)

    The only set back I had since the early years was recently, the Shobana De incident. Which turned out to be, once again, his family meddling. That was the only time in recent memory that I really started to doubt my relationship. Anyways, at least it gave me the opportunity to show my dh how serious I am about infidelity. So, maybe it served some good purpose.

    A lot of you wished me happiness. I'd like to say thank you for that. When I was going through so much trouble in 2007 and 2008, I wish my future self of 2010 could have told me "Hey, it all gets better, this isn't how it ends." Because today, I'm happy.

    Just the other night my dh told me out of nowhere "Today at work I was thinking about the pain I used to cause you and how I made you cry so many times and I feel really bad. I just wanted to let you know again how sorry I am. I'm really sorry. And I won't let anyone ever hurt you again. I love you so much." At first I didn't know what to say. But then I did. I said, "I know you're sorry. But I forgave you a long time ago. I don't even remember that stuff anymore". And I thought to myself "what a lie, I'll always remember". And then I waited for the familiar pang of those bad memories to poke me again, but surprisingly, no poke came. The place in my heart where all the fear and pain used to hide was empty. In it's place was a feeling of peace and victory. It's a sensation I had never felt before. And I realized, somewhere along the line, I had stopped 'surviving', and started 'living'. :thumbsup

    Thanks again to everyone here who cared about me. I mean that from the bottom of my heart.
     
  7. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    You go girl. Enjoy your life.
     
  8. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Moderator: Closing this old thread!
     
    Last edited: May 27, 2010
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