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What do you call this MIL? And how do I get some peace?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Classy, May 8, 2010.

  1. Classy

    Classy New IL'ite

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    Hello all,

    My MIL is a typical person where the first impression ppl get is she is very friendly to talk to. She will be in all smiles and talk so nice in front of them, but behind their back I know how down she goes on about them. For me the current issue is, I have 2 kids, and a full time job and a busy husband. All along when my husband was busy I have been taking care of home and kids, my husband works 2 jobs btw. I was managing to keep my home good and also take care of kids for a while, inspite of my job. Nowadays my job is tooo busy and kids activities have increased and I need to spend time on their studies too. Due to all this, my home neatness gets a last priority of all.
    My ILs are here for a visit to my bil's place and they come to our home often. Whenever she was visiting in the beginning, she will try to clean the dishes and fold laundry etc. which was quite ok. But she has this habit of thinking she is the most perfect person and has in teh past commented on how I decorate my home, even though it is my home and my liking. She tries to be very judgemental on me and tries to dominate on how things shold be at home. So based on these past experiences this time I just tried to tell her indirectly that am too busy and at this time my kids are important to me than anything else.
    I was away for 3 days this week due to a work travel and she was at home to help my husband with kids. After am back I realize that my kitchen has gone through a redesign - in terms of all the stuff I kept for last few years when kids were growing up in some arrangement, has been moved around and she arranged them according to her judgement. This includes all regular vessels and also infrequent stuff. If I need anything I need to search or have to call her. In the mornign when I was rushing for kids to get ready to school and could not find stuff, she was laughing and says 'I;ve changed everything will come over'. I was really mad at her and asked her ' you will leave in 2 days, why did you change everything'? she says I thought to help you and can show you once. Well, am running around with todo tasks for every 5 mins and if I had the time , I would rather arrange things per my liking. But what pisses me off is, how stupid she judges that she is the perfect person to arrange everything and how she redesigns my own kitchen. Let me also clarify you that it was just 10 days ago I was sick and in laws were visiting and she did not even bother to cook or ask me how am doing. I had to cook inspite of me being sick. She would not help when needed, and when she can help, she tries to dominate over people. How do I handle this lady? For a few day visit too, she messes up my entire weekend. I tried to think if she is helping me, but from her reaction not able to take it that way, she had commented so much on how my kitchen is, and now when am away tries to change around stuff. I literally have to rearrange everything if I wanted to keep things where they should be, so that I can get things easily and to make it baby proof. she does not realize this and is stupid and on top of that thinks she is overperfect. Please help me if am thinking something wrong and how do I address this, btw husband is not helpful at all in these, I know if I say he will tell me she is just helping you. My fil is here now and she is gone, he is much better, he does arrange things too, but asks us before he moves anything so we dont look for it. She is not like that. pls advise. thanks.
     
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  2. sita2223

    sita2223 Bronze IL'ite

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    Ms.Classy,

    Older people are usually fixed in their ways. If it is troubling you so much, talk to her and make her understand. Would you be so sceptical if it was your mother who rearranges your kitchen??

    Your MIL helped your husband and kids in your absence and you get mad at her for something so trivial... geez. Maybe she IS trying to help. Nevertheless, if she is leaving in 2 days, couldn't you just bear with it for a couple of days and rearrange your kitchen when she leaves.... rather than being mad at her??

    If your MIL doesn't help, you are saying she doesn't help. If she helps, you say she is dominating. Catch situation for your poor MIL.

    You seem to have a lot of resentment towards your MIL.

    BTW, how do you know what she is 'thinking'? Looks like its just your assumptions. Why not give her the benefit of doubt?

    I think she is a normal MIL. Enjoy with your in-laws while they are visiting instead of magnifying small issues. If you don't want her rearranging your kitchen, don't ask her or expect her to help you in the kitchen. You can't have your cake and eat it too.
     
  3. Classy

    Classy New IL'ite

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    Okay, may be I did not do a good job in explaining myself earlier. Let me clarify -

    I do not expect help from my MIL when am at home. I keep doing what is needed to do including cooking and taking care of kids. I do not expect or depend on her. If she herself does something, fine I keep quiet.

    Also she comes to our home on weekends. When I meant she is leaving, it is only for sometime, she is going to come back again next weekend. bottomline, this is not the end of it.

    Also my resentment is based on a lot of experiences where she has commented saying she knows how to keep home neat and she tries to judge and dominate on me on how to keep my home. I am also a neatness freak at one point, but with kids now I just have to push it to a later priority. Am fine if she tries to help and keeps things where they are usually. But my frustration is on entire redesign while am away, how do I take it as a help when she is telling me 'this is how your kitchen is supposed to look'. I tried to give a benefit of doubt but somehow it does frustrate me, consiering how she commented all along on how every piece of decoration at home should be.
    Also I take care of kids when my husband is away, when it was my turn to be away, my husband would have taken care. bcos she is here, he asked her to be home. It was not my request and I kept quiet if my husband wants her help.
    Unfortunately it is a catch situation for me, since my husband took her help and I pay the price. I am thankful for her not to have ignored my kids, but why couldnt she just arrange my kitchen the way it was kept by me, she could have cleaned and kept the vessels where they were, rt? Again I did not even ask her to clean anything, am just pissed off she tries to show her perfection. Please correct me where am wrong here. Also my mom when she was here, had put things in different places bcos she 'forgot' . I did tell her, and she is fine to follow and keeps things where I usually keep. Here it is different case.
     
  4. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Coming into another person's home and rearranging their stuff is rude. Doesn't matter if you are a parent, mil, dil, friend, or stranger.... it's still rude and shouldn't be done. It's fine for your mil to be "stuck in her ways" in HER home, but it's not fine for her to morph your house into a replica of hers without your permission.

    My mil did the same thing the first time she came to visit. One day I came home and my garden plants were rearranged, my patio water fountain was completely in a new place, my kitchen stuff was all in disaray, my wall pictures were taken down, and mil informed me that my window curtains had to go, that I had to move my bed to face a different direction and that our pooja corner was not in an acceptable corner. She even complained about our apartment door number and told us we needed to demand the apartment management lady to move us to a new apartment with a more astrologically acceptable number. Needless to say it did not go over well with me and my dh, and we informed her that although we were sure she had the BEST of intentions (yeah right :bonk), we would appreciate if she not move our stuff anymore because we had it how we liked it, and that we would not be changing apartments because of the door number. We then proceeded to move everything back to how it was before. However, my disclaimer is, it caused a HUGE fight with her and she threw a ginormous temper tantrum. So, confronting has it's risks.

    I would just tell her nicely you don't like it, you hope she won't do it again, and leave it at that. Small changes here and there are fine and maybe even accidental if she is helping out around the house or cooking something in the kitchen. I think small things you should let go. But if you come home and are lost in your own kitchen (or your own house, like in my case), something isn't right.
     
  5. bhuvnidhi

    bhuvnidhi IL Hall of Fame

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    What is wrong if your MIL has kept things in a different place.It is not a BIG issue right?You will get used to things in a few days.

    Infact you should be happy that your MIL has arranged your house in a neat way.

    :bonkI do not get this.You have got the luxury of your MIL taking care of your kids.You should be happy that your kids are in safe hands while you are away unlike a lot of us who are forced to leave our kids with maids or Day care.

    This is actually a trivial case.Looks like you have other issues with your MIL which has exploded now.
     
  6. sita2223

    sita2223 Bronze IL'ite

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    Classy,

    Your second post gives a much clearer picture. I see why you are mad at your MIL.

    But sweety, most of the time, other people can piss you off only if you let them to. Why not turn a deaf ear towards her innumerable suggestions and her bragging? If your MIL does it purposefully to make you mad, then the more you respond to her by answering back or getting mad, the more she might do to make you mad.

    I would still give her the benefit of doubt... maybe she is trying to help. If that is the case, when she rearranges your kitchen, ask your husband to try to find glasses or spoons and when he can not find them in their original place, he will see what you mean and he can explain to his mother to not rearrange.

    My MIL did the same thing when she was here and if I told my DH, he would tell her to back off. But I didn't want to create friction, so I just used to smile at her when she used to point out that everything I do can be done better in a different way. Since I kept smiling and nodding, she was confused if she was amusing me instead of making me mad :biglaugh ... although she didn't stop. :bonk My MIL thinks she dominated me and I have the last laugh thinking I let her do her bit. Coming to your initial question -

    Your MIL is a normal MIL, very typical, insecure and trying to cover her insecurity by dominating. Stop reacting to her the way she expects you to react. Keep yourself calm when she is visiting, its only temporary. If it gets too much to handle, request your husband to talk to her. But don't break your head over-thinking about such trivial issues, its just not worth it. Relax and enjoy your weekends with your kids and family.
     
    Last edited: May 8, 2010
  7. Classy

    Classy New IL'ite

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    Thank you for all your answeres. Two things -

    1. This is not first time my MIL did this, in past when she rearranged all of my kitchen closet, I was upset but was helpless since had a young baby and just kept quiet. She also commented to my FIL that the closet is like a trash and she rearranged it perfectly. She knew I was not happy about it, but now given am not home she just went ahead and rearranged it. Also her kitchen back home is not even close to perfect, I have never bothered to think or comment or rearrange it.

    2. My husband has heard my concerns but in the past has either kept quiet since he does not want to make his mom unhappy even if I am, or he just tells me to handle it myself.

    Given this, I want my MIL to understand that her behaviour is rude, she is not perfect either and that I would like to keep my things where they are better to be since its my kitchen. I would also want to let my FIL understand this, since he helps me in gardening and stuff but always talks to me, he does suggest on things too but has never been rude and dominating like her. I am honestly not bothered about him doing such stuff and also my MIL if she just helped me. I understand it is hard to guess what ppl are thinking and let give a benefit of doubt, but having seen her for 10 years, I rather do not have a doubt on her intentions on letting others think bad of me. Should I just talk to her, and also let my FIL know my concerns or just keep quiet?
     
  8. coolbird

    coolbird New IL'ite

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    Classy,

    I can understand what you going through. It is your house and it is your style and that is home to you. When things are not where they are supposed to be, it makes you mad. I would be too.

    Knowing how these changes irritate you and seeing you getting frustrated, will only motivate her further to do something more in the name of help.

    I see you are a very responsible and indepedent woman and you know that, take a deep breath, stay calm, and just ask yourself :
    1. What would you advise your best friend, if they were in your situation?
    2. What do you really really want?
    2. What is the price of talking to your MIL - are you ready to pay for it?
    3. what else might you have to deal with?
    4. What is the first step and what will you do differently this time?

    best regards

    Sil
     
  9. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    My MIL is very clear that she wants everything in her SON's kitchen her way else she cant work at all.. she's present at each shifting so that I dont have my kitchen set as PER MY WAY... and somehow I've got used to her ways.
    And I call these MILs a regular MIL who's never adjusted to anything in their life & want everything their way :rotfl..........

    My priority was that anyone who lives in the house should work and I could find ways around, but yes this is a issue to many ladies and needs to be resolved to get peace... whatever cost is comes at one should be ready for it.

    Its of help to me when I visit her or her DD, cos I find everything at pretty much the same place and am quite independent to their surprise.
     
  10. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Classy,

    Your MIL is not from the same school as you and probably she may not understand what is personal space means too and she may not understand she acted rude by arranging the things in your house too.
    Probably she may not think it's your house and she shouldn't change the items.She is from old school,where people don't know what is personal space means.
    if I were you,since she took care of your kids and family then I would let it go easily without doing fuss.your mom,do know about your from childhood.So she can udnerstand you easily.But for your MIL it's difficult.
    According to her,the house is messy and she may not able to work with that environment and she needs to arrange the things before she start coocking,otherwise she can't.
    How long does it take you to rearrange the things again?Ask your husband help to rearrange the things if you don't have time.You can tell her quitly but don't get mad on her.
    Even I can end up in similar situation like your MIL one day.Some of my friends come home for party and they don't even bother to help .But on the other hand,I can't sit without doing anything.Sometime I go over board and does help people in cleaning up after the party's.I come back home and feel that I shouldn't be doing that.
    Sometimes people like me don't know where to stop or where to draw a line.
     
    Last edited: May 10, 2010

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