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Low Self Esteem ??

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by RadiantCat, Mar 26, 2010.

  1. Godschild

    Godschild Silver IL'ite

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    CanWait,

    I have interacted with you in one of my threads when I had a problem with my spouse.
    You never came across to me as an arrogant woman rather someone who’s strong and sure of herself.
    I have followed your posts since then and I must say I admire your fortitude.
    Don’t let anybody get to you. :thumbsup
     
  2. ananthy

    ananthy Senior IL'ite

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    dear All,

    first of all i want to give a clarification that i am not "labelling" canwait and not trying to "pick up fight" with her. i am on her side too.

    if someone asks you not to swim in deep waters because you will put yourself in risk then will you say that the person is trying to hold you back from swimming ?

    the OP herself feels that many consider her problem creator because of her honesty. she is often told that she lacks in interpersonal skills by some moron in office who higlights her honesty as arrogance to hr and makes use of his heirarchial position to give her mental trouble.

    is it not our duty to tell her how to handle things with caution? sugar coated words are great to hear, but will it stop her from getting into trouble the next time ? is sweet talk more useful for her or an honest feedback on where she goes wrong is more useful for her future ? ofcourse we all are there for words of encouragement, no doubt about it. but by that time she might have already gone through a tough time right ? which could have been avoided in the first place if we realise what ones weaknesses are. thats why i said that.

    especially canwait is too naive (not getting exact words) in not thinking what is good for her and what is bad for her. though she is intelligent, independent somehow she ends up getting into trouble. thats why the concern. her bold nature gets in way and people think she is arrogant. her honest words are also considered as arrogant words. why ? because she is not selfish to skew words to her advantage like thers. she is too straight forward not to think of how to make things work for her.

    if this is the case of professional life then think about personal life with cunning in-laws. i dont need to tell you about how people are manipulative in torturing innocent people. even a small act of defence like yelling back can work against us.

    canwait, you are like kalidas but just dont know your worth. even he needed his wife to put him on track. like that you also need a self analysis and a few careful steps of changing a few weaknesses to put yourself on the right track. but only you can do that since it is in your hands. you know yourself more than anyone else here. so just think .about it and act wisely. so far things may not be good going but atleast hereafter you have to think wisely. thats all i am saying.

    cheers.
     
  3. RadiantCat

    RadiantCat Gold IL'ite

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    No worries Ananthy. I take it as an Akka's advise. :biglaugh:biglaugh, because both us have been misunderstood.
     
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2010
  4. Dilchahtahai

    Dilchahtahai Senior IL'ite

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    Can Wait,
    Let me tell you my experience at work. I have a colleague who is my age. She has a 7 year old son and has been divorced for 4 years
    She keeps running into me at parking lot and we say hi hello.. And SHE always says we should meet and have dinner or lunch together..
    Like this we went on for 2 years and finally I called her to my place for lunch. She refused saying she has some other engagements.. (hard for me to understand since her son goes to visit dad on weekends). But come on.. it does not mean she does not have a life..
    Then again we kept meeting in parking lot for 6 months and she kept saying we should meet. So I called her again to a party that I hosted at my home. She said yes and that at last moment declined..for a very inane reason ..
    Then she called us to her place and I literally forced my hubby to go to her place (dont get me wrong but hubby is not too fond of going to houses of people who work with us, he thinks we should meet more with people who DO NOTwork with us).
    We went and after 2 months of that, I called her again for holi festival at my place. What irks me is that all the three times I invited her, she never bothers to respond to email or voicemail. You really have to catch her on IM or go to her desk to confirm whether she is coming or not. This time too she did not bother to respond to the invite. When I asked her, she said she had a dentist apptment on Friday (come on , the party was on Sunday). She said she would need time to recover from Root canal treatment so she could not come (Come on, Who takes time off from life to recover from Root canal?) This I could not understand..
    Moral of the story.. I gave her enough leeway that she is all alone and handling every thing on her own and also her son and she has some bitterness in her due to her past.. But come on. she had a bad past but that does not give her a right to treat everyone else who tries to befriend her like S*(#. I decided never to dare call her home or go to her home. We still meet in parking lot and she still says we should meet and I keep quite.
    Not saying you are doing the same things... But, sometimes, we take out our bitterness on others who probably don't deserve it. I don't know you closely and so really am not saying that you do it..In fact it is never possible for anyone on internet to judge anyone completely just based on their posts. But, I guess this friend of mine needs to take a look inside and then say things to poeople like 'we should really be friends'.. if she does not mean it and still says it and then does not regard people's wishes, she would be considered rude and arrogant. I think she is very strong and independent and full of experiences in life, but if she does not let people get close to her, no one can appreciate all that.
    Sometimes I think that living alone has made her so adamant about living by her own wishes that she does not want to do anything that others want her to do and just wants to do things her way(which is obvious in her calling us to her house)..Well.. World is a game of give and take and if you give and dont want to take or vice versa, it does not work..
    I know some ILites here would want to lynch me but tell me, Did she ever think that she maybe hurting me just a little bit by saying NO every time I call her? Maybe she could stop by the Holi party just for an hour..
    So much for my rambling.. I know that it is very difficult to trust people if you have been betrayed once. But you have to start with little steps..
     
    Last edited: Apr 24, 2010
  5. RadiantCat

    RadiantCat Gold IL'ite

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    D, I kind of understand what you are saying. When you have an emotional set-back, it takes a while to return to the normal self. We may want to do several but the self within will stop us.

    I am more comfortable with people with whom I have been acquainted for a long time. I know they will never poke into my personal life. I have come across a very few insensitive crowd that pokes into my personal life or probes about my future plans. Many-a-times, I would feel compelled to ask them to shut-up but the social conscience never allows me to spell out.

    I don't know how the western women deal with divorce; whether they simply brush it off their sleeves and carry on or have a similar oriental approach. The divorced women that I have been introduced through this forum and whom I have met outside this forum have shades of whatever I am saying.

    One feels out of water in the company of unfamiliar families. The typical conversation would revolve around in-laws, spouse, schooling and parenting where one has very little to contribute. Atleast I can confirm from my stand-point. BTW, there was a similar discussion on the same lines sometime ago. I don't want to rake up the old thread.

    If someone asks me this question how to make you comfortable with this kind of an unfamiliar crowd, I would say nothing can be done. People come with different social statuses and in a group conversations will spring from any quarter on any topic and it can never be controlled. If I can participate effectively I'll, alternatively I'll excuse myself and find my space.
     
    Last edited: Apr 24, 2010
  6. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear

    I guess you are talking about the extreme case of low self esteem. I have seen woman specifically some of them after divorce they go into that shell where they do not want to come out of it, unless they feel comfortable with the situation. As CW had rightly started this thread...divorce makes woman feel as if they were cheated, betrayed and worthless to top it the relatives, friends circle, office staff and our own innerself will never let that woman rest in peace and if this divorcee has a kid its more painful because the mother has to feel pain for herself and also for the kid.

    Might be she is in those dark moods, might be she needs that supportive hand andd shoulder which she can trust on, (remember the trust was broken once..so its possible that she doesnt want to trust anyone anymore...might be its hard ofr her), its nothing against you, just that she might have had her own fears on how people would approach her or take her presence that too a new crowd its really overwhelming.

    See when you are alone at parking lot she is all nice, warm and friendly, but when you invite her over to your house she is not able to take that step forward...so how about you both go out for lunch at work just at office canteen once in a while, then exchange some cooked food, or make it like a potluck, then play dates and then talk aobut inviting over to each others house.

    Insecurities are about her own self might be...because I have seen my very good friend who stopped talking to everyone after her divorce, and we all let her take her time...we know once she has figured out about her life she would be back..however we all email and keep intouch with each other. So please do not take it to heart about that lady. and also its really nice of you to think about her and invite her to your place without any apprehensions.
     
  7. Dilchahtahai

    Dilchahtahai Senior IL'ite

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    Srividya,
    We have had multiple lunches in office and everytime she would say she wanted her son to see normal families and interact with little ones (like my 2 year old) so that he could learn to behave with them..
    You see.. when some one opens up by themselves to you (without you poking into their life), what do you understand from that? I did not have any idea about her marital status and never asked her about her ex. She herself told me all the things..
    Not to distract from Canwait's problem but I guess normal people meet and talk about normal things and the best way to feel normal again is to mingle with them and talk about normal things..
    I have had my share of making her feel a part of our friends circle.. Friendship is on equal terms and it is not a charity. Its not like the scorpion(sorry not to compare that girl to scorpion, just analogy) and the saint story where the saint took pity on scorpion and kept taking him out of the water. Saint was doing charity on scorpion but friendships are never formed by just one person making friendly gestures and other not responding. After sometime people start thinking you are either making a fool of them or taking them for granted. And no one likes that..So. I guess I have had it

    I just hope she gets some good friends to really share things with...
     
    Last edited: May 11, 2010

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