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in deep trouble after mil's visit

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sandu, Mar 30, 2010.

  1. satish2010

    satish2010 New IL'ite

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    hi,
    I joined this forum today and as i am also in the same boat (exactly same) felt really empathetic towards you. One thing I also do and feel as a mistake is your emotional involvement and your need to solve the problem alone. If you can find happiness in you and your job, ignore him mentally and treat mother in law in very strong terms.Pray for your peace
     
  2. CuteTechie

    CuteTechie New IL'ite

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    Hi Sandhya,

    Very sad to read this thread...I thought everything is going well with you...

    We are travelling in the same boat...But,things are changing little bit for me...

    Let me tell you some things which helped for me...

    ---> Why are you allowing your husband to shout at your parents? Why should he call them first of all? Ask him to talk to you about anything...
    Dont be scared about anything Sandu...Husbands of this kind play with our weakness. Normally, parents and their health is weakness for a married girl. So,they hit at it...

    If he says that his mother's health is affecting because of her DIL, ask him to keep her out of the loop. Let her take rest and peace. Ask him not to discuss anything about your family issues since it is affecting her health. You could have said this right...So,atleast he will not discuss things with his mother if he is really concern about her health..

    And also your father health...see,never ever make parents beg or cry at your inlaws or husband. Tell your husband that if anything happens to your father health, then the whole blame will be on him and his family. Even before he said that his mother health affecting because of her DIL, you could have said this..
    Give them the hint..they will catch it...They know society will blame them if you or your parents disclose any of these matters to outsiders...They(including you DH) fear for society. So only they crib about you telling to a friend/lawyer.


    Please keep your/his parents out of your discussions...If he says that his mother feel bad because of you,then you tell him...atleast for sometime lets leave about our parents...Take 6months or 1year sandu...whole this period,never ever discuss about parents/inlaws. Tell him that since his parents are good,they will understand about this..Ask him to not to discuss all these. But, do not expect that he wont. He will discuss. Remain calm till you know if any issue reach your inlaws. Then again you tell him in serious tone.. You should have little patience and smartness Sandu.


    ---> Tell him sorry that you will never do any mistakes(in his view) and lets not dig the past. You also forget the past. If at all,he cribs about the past, remind him that it is past.


    ---> His parents clearly want his money. Even my inlaws are like that. They manipulate and turn husband against wife. Hmmm...Dont give in to the expectation that you should your salary to them. Thats absurd.

    They are playing with your weakness Sandu. Do you know what is your weakness...You want that everybody should think of you as a good person and be nice with you. Thats impossible. Especially with inlaws. They never satisfy. The more you sacrifice and adjust, the more they will become greedy.

    ---> Do not leave your house and go anywhere. If you leave him alone, the brainwash will become more. Be loving to him and have good time with your DH and DD.

    Will post you again later...
    Take care...Wish you all the best...

    Praying for you...May wil help you...


    The Lord gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength ( Isaiah 40:29 )
     
  3. suryakala

    suryakala IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Sandu,

    After Reading your mail,We understand that,you are having a great problem with your Husband.Because he is not loving his own Family, that are,HIS WIFE AND his CHILDREN.This is very True.Because, at the END OF THE DAY,only wife and children will be together with pure love and affection.I have seen most of the Mother in Laws are behaving like the same Attitude as your MIL.Because they feel insecure,and afraid of DIL-s.So your husband is not feeling in his heart that his wife and his child are his own family,So he is not playing his role as a GOOD,BEST HUSBAND.SO FINELY you have to decide what you have to do now.
    Make a DEAL with your husband. At any cost do not leave your JOB.That is most important,It gives you Strength and you can see the World every day,and you can contact people easily, if you are in difficulty.Because you never know what will happened tomorrow?Because he is not having any faith on you, That is very sad on his part.Start giving Answer to your MIL if she is YELLING at you.IF things worse you have to learn to live separately.

    Because your husband do not understand your important, in his life.Still he IMMATURE.He has to study a lot about a FAMILY LIFE,Give him time to learn.At this time you need, peace of mind and take care of yourself.This is very important at this time .Other wise you will going under DEPRESSION.BE CAREFUL.At this stage all ladies will be having the same problem.

    So take cae of your self. THINK it clearly and take a FINAL Step,AND LIVE HAPPILY WITH YOUR HUSBAND AND YOUR CHILDREN,THANK YOU very much MY DEAR,BYE AGAIN.SEE YOU AGAIN, MY DEAR IL FRIEND
     
  4. sandu

    sandu Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear ILites,
    I am here again. I have read all your posts and wonderful suggestions. I am glad to know that there are so many people to console me and give me strength. Thanks to all!

    To answer an important question that some of you had asked me.
    - My husband discovered on his own that I post in these forums. But he never confronted me. Instead, he chose to complain to his parents (and mine too), who made it a huge issue. Now tell me, since he already knew that I was posting here, was it bad to ask him to read your responses? At least, that way, he would come to know that my parents and my relatives are NOT the people who spoil me with weird suggestions to revolt against him and his family. (This is one of his accusations about my people). And, it DID give him an idea of how queer he and his family are, how people normally behave and function after marriage. Last but not the least, I am glad that he DID find this out, as I didnt want to hide things from him (meaning, my participation in forums).

    Frankly, if my husband posted issues on forums and asked me to read other people's replies, I might also feel, depending on the replies, that the replies are based on just one side of the story. Some of the replies here would have been really hurting to my husband, I agree. BUT, if the problem is big and we cannot sort it out ourselves, I would consider counseling by a neutral party.

    That is all past now. As I have always been telling, I am looking for ways and suggestions to live a normal life with my husband. A life in which there is mutual respect and understanding. After much discussions and arguments and thinking, I have told my husband the following.

    - I shall transfer all my investments made by me before my marriage to my father. I can accomplish the formalities only when we go to India next. I have convinced my father to take over the possession of my savings. (This has been a sore point for my husband, that I "own" things earned before my marriage, and so, to settle the dispute, I have agreed to my husband's wish to give everything to my father.)

    - My husband trusts his father completely with his salary. I trust my husband and leave it to him to save his salary as he likes.

    My husband was very happy on hearing these two things. He has never uttered the word "separation" thereafter. Our life seemed to improve after this, but still, there are more hardships to overcome.

    In return for these two commitments from my side, I expect my husband to let me work and manage my salary myself and give me a happy life.

    But for my husband, only one part of the problem is solved. Back in India, his mother is always sick; she is aghast at the way his life has turned out, she is discouraging him from living with me, bad-mouthing me, etc. This has been plaguing my husband, also the fact that she is not talking properly even to him nowadays. She has even carried tales of what happened here to some of her relatives. From my part, I speak to my fil weekly, and he just replies to what I ask. He always says the others are sleeping or have gone out, so I cannot talk to anyone else. My mil still doesnt talk to me, neither do I force her to talk. I have told my husband that whenever she is willing to speak normally to me, I will call her. Till then, I cannot force her to talk to me weekly and hear all that she has to scold. And that it will take time for her to get back to normal and that he must be patient.

    My husband is himself unsure of what to do next. He tries ways to please his mother, like asking me again to opt out of our joint bank account (which is one of the things they forced me to do during those 2 days of torture). I told him it is very silly and I will do nothing to please his mother. if he does want me to quit it, I will, but not to please his mother. He does not want to create a separate salary account for himself and retain our joint account for expenses. All he wants to do is, get rid of anything in my name. He has for the first time admitted that he does things to placate his mom and see whether she would get back to normal, and not because he does not want things to be transparent between us. My husband also admitted to me that he has done several mistakes, including telling some things to his mom, which he should not have told. I feel that he is beginning to see his mistakes and the great damage that that has done to all our relationships. He also told me that I have also behaved immaturely and that his is a family demanding great respect and I don't have enough experience to deal with those people.

    I feel that my husband is also facing a great trauma now. His mother is causing great agony to him by instigating him to separate from me, cribbing and staying sick all the time, while we are both striving to patch up here and get back to a normal life. Added to that, he has just started his new job. It is indeed a tough time for him too. I have myself decided to be more understanding with him and empathise with him, rather than look at things only from my point of view. I feel that only when I show him that I understand him, will he start understanding me and only that will mend the broken bond between us.

    Still, he says, he does not like me continuing my job. I told him that I just cannot quit my job now and will continue working, trying not to affect his own work schedule as far as possible. My daughter, luckily, has started adjusting to her playschool, and now, is more willing to stay there without me.

    Many of you had advised me to stay away from him for some time. This has in fact happened. The other way around. My husband is out of town for 2 weeks now on official duty. This is quite a long time that he is away and already, he has started showing care and concern to us by giving me instructions to lock the door, take good care of our kid, etc.

    I only hope things turn out good for us, that the bitterness my husband has towards me decreases soon, we are able to put an end to our differences and give a happy home to our kid.
    Thanks and regards,
    Sandhya
     
    Last edited: Apr 14, 2010
  5. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Sandu,

    I am gussing your husband wanted to quit the job just because he is not keen on you keeping seperate account.If you don't have a job then you will not have your money.
    I think keeping seperate account really hurts the mens ego.I know you don't want to have seperate account if he is fair with money decisions.
    If you remove the seperate bank account then you will be back to sq.1
    By any chance is the below things possible for you.
    Try to buy an house ,that way you will have some liquidy here rather than india.
    Deposit your salary also in his account but draw some amount every month like 1000$ and kept for you.I beleive he shouldn't have problem if you draw money for your pocket right.
    Both of you take life insurance policy.In case of disaster you don't have to look for your in-laws mercy to get your money.
    Tell your husband that you wanted to save some money on your daugthers name.Do some arrangements for it.
    I am not sure above things help you or not.
     
  6. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Sometimes I dont understand, why inlaws blame the woman i.e the wife? their DIL? when the son who is a MAN who cant handle his own family issues...he is not blamed for anything that happens in his own marriage...why all teh blame is on the DIL?? where she is totally having no power what so ever to change anythign here...as all the troubles are from the husbands side...

    Sandu

    If you read your last post, you would know one thing...you gave him what he wanted. thats why this silence and compromise. down the line who knows you might also have to give up your job after another big wave of fights. Sorry to say this...but yes pls be strong and take care of your health amongst all this...as eventually whatever is supposed to happen will happen good or bad. this is all I can say.
     
  7. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Sandhya, congrats. .your marriage seems to be on the path of self-recovery, when guys get into realisation mode, its a bit easier to deal with them.

    Do whatever but never quit your job, remain cheerful and take good care of child & yourself.

    Such ladies get duly paid for their ill-behaviour in the same birth. Atleast when on death bed a few realise their folly.
     

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