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Back to India........husband decided!!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by simi12, Apr 8, 2010.

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  1. Tara09

    Tara09 New IL'ite

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    Decision based on his preference is always the way to go, since he is the main earning member here.
    Whether right or wrong only time will tell. Atleast no harm now. And even I would say he did it for the well-being of the family.
     
  2. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    Ok, why is it the wellbeing of the family? Why wont the family be well if they dont relocate?

    I really dont understand.

    Is there a default assumption that family in India is wellbeing? Is there a default conclusion that it is better to have the family in India than abroad?
     
    Last edited: Apr 10, 2010
  3. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    I guess we can argue all year long as to why and whats of the situation till Simi moves back to India...

    Discussion is not about which is best option India/US? OP said that decision is already made (though she was informed all this while but she didnt take it seriously). So now she wants to prepare herself mentally...

    So instead of arguing whether her husband had the familys best interests in mind or not, why not try to support OP in whatever is going to happen eventually i.e moving to India. Moreover am sure being a father he would surely have wellbeing of his kids in mind. (wellbeing can be done taken care anywhere in US/India/in any other part of the world..but he chose India..thats the bottom line) so lets support Simi and give her all the information she needs to make the move a success and happy one!:cheers
     
    Last edited: Apr 10, 2010
  4. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    ^ That I do agree. If you read my earlier posts, I had suggested to Simi to get mentally prepared, and not to worry since kids will adapt well. Just that when people keep saying the DH is only doing this for the "wellbeing blah" it sounds made up to me :)
     
    Last edited: Apr 10, 2010
  5. Eswaram

    Eswaram New IL'ite

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    Dear Simi,

    In my opinion, this is not at all a good decision. I am quite confident about this as I am experiencing it. We are living in Europe since 20 years. Even in my opinion, as your husband says, these places are only to earn not to live. I am quite strong about this. We decided to move to India couple of times but for some reason it didn't work. At the end we finally decided to move.. talked to school & college and we were extremely pleased...found a nice flat to stay... everything was set... my husband and my kids moved first and I could not immediately due to my project work and I decided to move 3 months later once kids are settled and husband founds a job. Until that time...it was bed of roses and everything went on well. But the moment my husband realised the hassle to get a ration card, gas connection etc.etc. he was fed up. People are after money and the door bell never stops ringing....by then my son got admitted in the school and he was always stressed for one or the other.... my daughter got admitted in the college and somehow she got adjusted and she made herself busy, learning dance, veena and a topper in her class because of her linguistic skills. But there was no one to help my husband in spite of my parents and all his sisters, brothers living very close to him. Though he didnt care but it was not the way we thought. He went to India with great hope that he will be welcomed and with his UN experience he will get a good position and he never cared for a good salary but an interesting job. But all was absolutely wrong...people see oh he has earned enough and he is in 40s why would he need to earn while there are lot of youngesters who can literally work for nothing. so he had to drop the idea of looking for a job with pain which still hurts him. To come back about my kids, my son could not cope up the heat and other things, he came back to Europe... luckily... my project got extended and I could be able to stay further... and now my husband and my daughter they are in India and will come back for good in June.

    India is a wonderful country to live firstly because it is our home town, secondly we always feel fish out of water when we live out of India. We miss temples, we miss festivals, we always feel sad that our children are not getting the taste of being with all cousins, attending marriages etc. what we had when we were young.... BUT India is not the same... it has developed and mentality of people have changed.... in a big cities like chennai...girls dress up like here...the way they talk, behave has completely changed... honestly... I could not digest these...

    when I went to see my kids, I always feel that they are extremely tired because of the heat, peoples inquisitiveness though they dont say anything.

    Please do not think that I am writing negative things. But these are my experiences. when you lived out of your country for a certain period, you become a foreigner in your own country. this is my experience. So please talk to your husband...may be you can not change him... but make sure that he understand that if three of you are not comfortable, being a green card holder, he must bring you back.... that is good for children and you all. Ask him not to think that his girls will have a better brought up with our culture in India. NOT AT ALL TRUE. I am experiencing...my daughter was well behaved here now she has completely changed and talks a lot.... Good luck in taking a good decision.

    I trust my post is a bit of help to think of course, situation differs. take care.
     
    Last edited: Apr 10, 2010
  6. BeeAmma

    BeeAmma Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Eeswaram,
    You bring up some interesting points. Your reason from leaving India this time around seem to be:
    1. Husband is unable to find a suitable position
    2. Heat
    3. Everyday life challenges such as ration card etc..
    4. Son was unable to adjust in school. Btw, how old was your son when you moved back?
     
  7. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Simi,
    I just read your post and all the responses with great interest. I remember writing a detailed response to another such similar post here a while ago and wanted to post a link to the same but am unable to find that post.

    I've been in your situation and thought of adding my 2 cents. Simi, firstly, I think I can understand exactly what you are thinking about. I may have gone through the same uncertainty regarding moving back. We moved back after spending close to ten years there. Initially, I was not happy with the idea. I was reluctant to give up my life in the US, especially since I felt I was at a stage in my career where I could have done very well if I stuck to it for a few more years. I also felt my child may find it difficult in India and would have a tough time adjusting. Added to it was my desire to buy a house in the US and live in it for a few more years. My reasoning was that a few years won't make a difference. I think what made me change my mind was my DH. I think my love for him is the only reason I moved back, not my parents, not the festivals or any of the hoopla. He was really wanting to come and I remember him sitting with me and writing down all the pros and cons of moving back for good.
    I would also like to point out to you, that it will not be hunky dory right from the get go. You will have to face a lot of hurdles but in my situation, I feel like it was worth it.
    Here is what I did, and I suggest anyone having a doubt of if R2I is for them, to try it out. I came to India with my LO for a few months. I put her in school here, stayed in my own apartment and did everything myself. I had tremendous help from my sis and BIL but even they work FT so it was not easy at first. I got my own interiors done, got my LO into school, got my connections etc taken care of and did a myriads of other things. DH was here initially for a few weeks but then went back. I stayed here on my own for four months and by the end of the four months I really felt I could move back and not regret it. Only then did I go back and pack up lock, stock and barrel and move!
    It has been over two years now and I'm happy with our decision. I'm glad DH convinced me, for I really feel my LO is so much happier here. She is an only child and an only grand child to both sets of grandparents and I don't see how I could have given my child or her grandparents the bonding they share today, had I decided to stay back. I'm not of the opinion that kids don't get anything from living in the US. I have lived there long enough to understand that kids have a wonderful life there as well. For one, we parents put in a lot of effort to ensure they do get the cultural exposure. I also feel that they gain a lot of perspective and exposure to different people living there. It is a matter of what you feel is more important for your kids and family that is the decisive factor. Unfortunately, it is a big challenge, for you are deciding for your children and we never know if it was right or wrong for years to come but the most important thing is you are making a choice that you feel is right. Don't worry about what may have happened had you chosen the road not taken. I have retrospected on numerous occasions on how my LO would have turned out had I continued living there, especially when I talk to my friends and hear from them about the kind of exposure etc that their kids get. Now, all I know is that with the information I had at the time, I made the right choice. Time will tell if it was great or pathetic but then I will not regret it since I didn't have the future predictability then!
    I wanted to convey this to you and hope my experience helps you with your current situation. I will continue looking for the other post and link it up here if I find it.

    Btw, I would like to add that I have seen a lot of times it is when you expect something coming back and don't get it that you are hit really hard. Try to do a reality check before coming. For instance, you may not have all your relatives waiting with a platter to welcome you. They have their lives and now everyone is busy. Things are not what they were years ago.
    Secondly with jobs, you may or may not find the right one. Your DH may find it a struggle initially(I know I did). I found it tough to find the right job, in fact, there are times when I've felt I'll never ever find a job back here. It will take time.
    If you are a home maker, you may find life very different from what it is in the US. It will be a learning experience, something where you have to take each day at a time. If you decide to move, do come with the right expectations, and things will fall into place slowly.Don't expect miracles, it took all of us a lot of time to adjust back to our own country. Don't be disheartened by initial setbacks.

    Good luck to you!
    L
     
  8. chaand

    chaand New IL'ite

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    Yes I do agree with some suggestions here that he shud have asked u and shud have discussed u in detail abt this move and then shud have applied for job and all. It seems like ur DH is not in a mood to listen ..so I guess that u talk to him once more on this matter alone...when kids are not around and also if he doesnt listen then tell him that in future for this big decisions I think u shud discuss the matter with me also ...after all I am ur wife and I also shud have my say.
     
  9. Tara09

    Tara09 New IL'ite

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    Simi, It is a good decision you have taken. Nice to hear you are seeing the positive side of it. Now, start your relocation planning like making a list of things to take especially kids things like memories from school, certificates, some really favorite books and likewise.
    Don't worry about other things. I have friends who went for good and they say you get just about anything in India these days. Even the cost is affordable. I also heard them saying that, if it is really that worth an item, then ship it otherwise sell it off in US and move back with less luggage and minimize the hassle of shipping etc.
    So, Relax on that front.

    Now, please give me a chance to explain why I said your dh did for the well-being of the family. Listen Simi, your dh longs to go back and you should weigh it with how much you dread going back. I am sure, since your family is back there you may not really dread going back, but feel little uncomfortable since you got used to living here. That's OK. Anyone who is moved from a comfortable spot feels like that. Now, it is how you make the new place comfortable for yourself again. It may need a little extra work in the beginning but couple of months down the line you will get used to the new way of living. After all, life is practice. Just take it as it comes, one day at a time and see how quickly you set in the new routine of life.
    End of the day, Simi, remember that loneliness and nostalgic feelings only grow with age and if your dh is already feeling it then it will only get worse with age.......as sunny3 said.
    You would like to see your husband happy and excited when he goes to work and not grumpy and frustrated soul dragging himself each morning trying to support a family who would not bother his feelings.......JMO!!!
    And doing for your well-being is exactly that.......keeping himself at peace wherever he lives. If he is not able to find peace living here then please help him be happy by moving to a place he finds that happiness in. Simi, life is full of adjustments and compromises....isn't it. What is the point in arguing and fighting with your loved one when all that needs is just little adjustment. Eventually, you will be happy. I have hardly heard about an R2Ier who is unhappy.

    Good luck on your return to your home!!
    Tara
     
  10. bhuvnidhi

    bhuvnidhi IL Hall of Fame

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    I think somewhere down the line we need to compromise.It should come from both husband and wife.If we start thinking "why me" then it will be a battlefield."Adjusting " has gone for a toss these days in the name of "privacy", "rights" and a lot more....We should not allow ourselves to be treated as doormats but should be wise enough to know when to adjust and when not to.

    The OP's hubby had indicated couple of times to her that they need to go back to India.She should have raised concerns then.Her husband must have given a lot of thought before he would have finally said "move".Like Sowmya's hubby he must be having some valid reasons for going back.A lot of us feel that kids should move back to India before they enter their teens(But chennai is equally worse these days.I was shocked to see the teenage kids in spencer and other malls last time.).Also,I feel that we will have a lot of discomfort during their marriage(alliance stage) if they are branded as "born & brought up in so and so country".I mean there must have been a lot of thought process behind the decision.

    It is good that the OP has made up her mind and we need to help her to gel with the R2I process.

    Simi, You will get good schools in India and kids will adjust themselves.You need to support them to get adjusted to the new environment.They will definitely have fun in India when they see their cousins and other kids to play with.See the positive side of R2I.They will no longer be alone.The kind of exposure they get will be too good.You will have a better control over them.Good luck to you!
     
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