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Unreasonable DILs

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Malyatha, May 29, 2009.

  1. Manaswini08

    Manaswini08 Bronze IL'ite

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    @Riya,

    I don't think its fair to parallel your life and hardship to ALL the stories we read in this forum. I understand that you are having difficulty with your inlaws and you may be in the right in that particular situation. But in other situations, the person in the right may not be the DIL. It very well could be the MIL or FIL or SIL or anyone else in that matter.

    My thought to you is not to take every story in this forum to heart but to look at it objectively.

    Take care.
     
  2. sowmyapbhat

    sowmyapbhat Senior IL'ite

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    Anuradha,

    Boy, your story really lends credence to the maxim that 'Truth is stranger than fiction'.

    I have never seen vicious people in real life. I have only encountered them in the pages of a book or in movies and television serials.

    But I agree that such people do exist, because hate is a powerful emotion, if not held in check, it can wreak havoc. I'm sure everyone has felt strong hatred at some time or the other - and if they didn't have the good sense to stifle it or let it pass, hell would have broken loose.

    Now, coming to your SIL - the way you describe her actions, she sounds more like a spoiled child. Many people are like that, well into adulthood, especially if they have never been on their own.

    According to me, what stands out in this whole difficult situation is the role played by your brother.

    You have mentioned many times that he was given everything he ever wanted - so in all probability he was also used to having his own way? How is it that he wasn't able to stand up for his parents/himself against the unfair tactics of your SIL?

    My honest opinion is that men are never helpless against a woman. Men have financial independence, societal backing and physical strength. There is nothing to prevent them from voicing their opinions and doing what they want to. I really cannot fathom how a woman can control a man who is not totally insecure.

    Sorry to pry, but is your SIL exceptionally beautiful? Or is she a great cook/housekeeper? What is it that keeps your brother so strongly in favor of her, even if it means turning his back on those who fed him till adulthood?

    Self-respect is one thing no one should compromise on, be it man or woman. A woman might compromise just because she cannot live on her own. But no man has that problem.
    Likewise, your parents have to be strong and tell your brother and SIL that their actions are unpalatable. Some people are extremely thick-skinned and subtle hints don't work with them.
     
    Last edited: Apr 10, 2010
  3. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

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    Anuradha, i am not getting what exactly you are trying to tell.. If there is some mental illness then they are mental hospitals to help such people.. If it is over possessiveness, some counselling and CBT can help those people.. The point i am making is you or your family or your brother need not suffer in silence because of her.. It at all there is any suffering because of her..

    Divorce laws have provisions for joint custody of the child.. If he feels the child wont be safe with her, on proving it in court of law, he can be the only custodian for the child.. Child is not any excuse to tolerate abuse..

    498A is not for disgruntled wives to falsely threaten in-laws/husband.. Instead is meant for women who really suffer because of dowry harassment.. A false case can be proven in court of law and the accused will be acquitted.. There are several cases where husband is acquitted, when his disgruntled wife has filed a false dowry case against him.. Truth triumphs in the end.. Just that he needs to be behind bars and make a some trips to court and provide evidence to prove the case is false..

    Exactly my husband has to use his senses.. I cannot force them to talk to me.. It is ok, if they dont wish to talk to me.. But it is not OK for my husband to leave me feeling lonely all the time.. Because my husband has a committed marriage with me and not my in-laws..

    Anu, that is the problem with that lady.. Not you.. Your brother need not give in to her demands.. Let her do anything, your brother need not submit to unfair rules.. That is why i am pointing the problem is with your brother..

    Why dont you look at it this way.. No one has everything decided before hand itself.. May be the scenario changed, she felt life would be better in US than in India.. So she must have chosen to come here.. Than as a rival to you..
    As for the alliance, it was only told verbally right.. Nothing was on stamp paper .. Decisions change with time..

    Your brother must have genuinely found better opportunities here, so he moved.. I dont think he moved to please his wife and stop her nagging..
    For the funding part - You could not do it, fine they found some other source of financing and moved on.. If she had bad mouthed, then it is her problem not yours..

    Children should not be compared.. That you can tell her on the face.. You also need not tolerate it from her..

    I said you bad mothed her because you used words like 'preying mantise' 'abuser' kind of words against her.. It is not right to use such words..
    For labeling your SIL as bad or good, i want to back off.. I donot want to use such words so loosely without proper proof/reason..
     
  4. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

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    I think the part you have picked was a part of my explaination to Anuradha..
    The one intended to you was previous one.. Refer to post#61 .. That one was intended to you..
     
  5. Anuradha00

    Anuradha00 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I think initially he was standing up for the parents. But she would scream and shout and indulge in very violent behaviors like going to kitchen, throwing food on his face, smashing plates up etc She also used to use very bad language against all of us it seems. See when they were newly married I wasn't in the picture. I was living with my inlaws and kept minimum contact only with my parents, uncle and brother. But it seems she used to use foul language even against me! My brother once told my mother he has never heard such languages or seen such behaviors. It really hurted him.

    He talked to our family doctor who advised him to take her to a psychologist because it seemed she had some mental problems. This conversation was strictly between brother and doctor, None of us knew this that time. My brother took this subject to her, telling her she seems unhappy, her behavior is very strange, throwing stuff / breaking stuff / using bad language, so come let us go and consult with a psychologist. This made her furious it seems and she called up my mother and screamed abuses at her saying how dare you label me mad etc? My mother never even knew that this had happened. No one labeled her mad. The doctor told to just to consult a psychologist because of her strange behavior. Her behavior became really erratic so it was mutually decided to keep distance because my brother did not know what else we can do to keep her calm. He and they (parents) believed that with time she will change, soon she will realize she is like a daughter to us, etc. But with time, her behavior became worst!

    For anything and everything she used to behave violently and use foul language so brother just quietly avoided triggering her. The fights even affected his work. One time, he had important presentation to give at work. My mother called because she had not spoken to him for over 10 days. Sil got mad and she threw out the presentation slides and almost broke his computer in anger!!!! Eventually he told them "See, I cannot deal with this anymore. My peace is going. I might lose my job also as I cannot concentrate at work. If you are not in the picture, she is behaving OK. It is only when she sees me talking to you that she becomes violent and uses abusive language."

    So that is why he is silent. But his other behaviors have no excuse. I am the first person to agree she is his priority. But not when she is acting so erratically. I think main issue is, he didn't know how to react to her strange behaviors.

    Second thing is I think he is a little naive as he led very sheltered life. On the other hand I had to fight for everything right from childhood. Nothing was given to me easily. So I had to keep struggling. That has made me very strong woman. I don't take any nonsense from anyone. But my brother has that prince complex. He cannot handle difficulties easily. He was always guided and led by father and uncle. So when he got married to a dominating type he couldn't able to stand up to her for very long. Whenever they had fights, she would run to mother's house and her mother would lecture / rant / yell at my brother when he went to bring her back. I think they ganged up on him and he just didn't know how to handle these situations.

    Then they moved to US following us and her behavior didn't improve here also! I don't know if she has any personality problem but she never seems happy. Now they have a huge house, six figure dollar income, a beautiful and intelligent daughter, my parents are nowhere in picture, I am nowhere in picture, but even now she doesn't seem happy !!!!!!

    On rare times i speak to her she speaks like a depressed person! I don't visit them at all because she talks badly about my son commenting on his coloring and height but do call to wish her on her birthday etc. I just want her to be be happy - everything has happened for her the way she wanted. But I am scared to suggest counciling because she may think I am also labeling her mad. I just want her to be happy, keep my brother happy, and reach out to my parents or at least let my brother reach out to my parents. I don't want anything more from them.

    So all in all my brother is also at fault but when he tells me how she reacts and how he doesn't want his daughter to watch her mother throw stuff and use bad language, I don't know what to say / do. So I am supporting my parents. There is nothing else I can do except pray that she becomes happy and they change their ways. Btw, she is good looking. When she was newly married she looked like a rose! My sweet niece has inherited her fair color and beauty. :)
     
    Last edited: Apr 10, 2010
  6. sowmyapbhat

    sowmyapbhat Senior IL'ite

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    I guessed so. That is perhaps, the biggest weakness of men. No matter how dumb a woman you are, if you are beautiful, you will live a good life. I have seen many couples who fight in public - they are at loggerheads for each word spoken - but the next day they will put up lovey-dovey pics on Orkut/facebook. Obviously, the physical attraction makes up for everything else.

    Hmm. One thing, one day or the other she will show her rowdy behavior at persons who are not immediate family. She obviously didn't have control in the early days of her marriage, and it doesn't seem as though she has cultivated it by now. And when others see her ugly side, she is going to lose much more. I wonder how her daughter will be able to avoid seeing this.

    Your brother has summed it up. To paraphrase him - "I want my wife. You guys don't matter to me."

    Be thankful, Anuradha, that you now know what to expect from them. I only hope your parents will realize that their son and DIL are nothing but vultures.
     
    Last edited: Apr 10, 2010
  7. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Anuradha,

    Before I am a wronged dil as you say, I am a wronged human being. I can feel that pain in other people's shoes, even if they aren't a dil. So please don't think I'm taking your sil's side. I was just saying that your primary anger should be at your brother. And I say anger with hesitancy, because what I've learned from my personal life, is anger can CONSUME you if you let it... and after a while it's best to let the anger go. It might be best for you to come to terms that your brother is how he is, and that your sil may indeed be a 'praying mantis' who's behavior can't be changed (I love that term of yours by the way :)). I haven't read through much of the posts made after my comment to you, but I will try to get to it later to read your side of the story. Either way, what's important is for YOU to keep a fair mind towards your brother and his wife, and be careful before casting any blame (i.e. make sure they DESERVE the blame). But hey, if they are crappy people, by all means scorn them.
     
  8. Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Anuradha,

    Your brother is at fault, hence he has to be blamed - Not your SIL. You have agreed this in another post of yours.

    Do you think your male chauvinist and extreme orthodox parents and uncle would have treated your SIL like a princes during her stay at your home? If these chaunist men cannot treat their own daughter as a human being, and never give her any encouragement or support, how would they treat their DIL?

    It is all OK for some girls who born and brought up as a second citizen from their childhood, and treated as a piece of furniture in their own home - They will not expect any respect from their ILs house no matter what.

    But now a days, girls are treated so equally as men, and in particular your SIL is one of two girls, so obviously she must have lived in a home like a little princes without facing any discrimination. It is very understandable from her side that she wanted to go for a separate house. And that too has been already agreed upon during their engagement.

    The fault is clearly from your parent's side - So, please stop blaming her for this matter.

    Dear, you are their own daughter. Born and broughtup by them, but still you say you have hard time in forgiving them. How can an outsider LOVE and CARE such people all of a sudden. Give some time to your SIL to change her mind and forgive your people.

    According to your post, all these happened during the initial days of their marriage. So, it is very clear that your Niece (your brother's DD) was not in the picture. Then what had stopped your brother from fighting back against this abusive woman for his rights? He is a man right????
    I don't see any valuable reason for him to continue a long life with this woman and too bring a new life to this world in their relationship. Afterall, if she is that much abusive from the initial days of marriage!!!

    I think you should re evaluate your statement, as you never know what is happening in real.

    More over, talking with parents, inquiring about the life insurance of your uncle right after his death, treating your parents nicely when they were in the US - It is all in the hands of your brother. He simply does not have to wait for his wife's green signal.
    If his wife is not comfortable in talking with her ILs, or receiving any calls in her home from ILs, he can simply go out and make a phone call daily to his parents - No need to tell this to his wife. Simple.

    Hope he goes out and not stays at home all the time. It is not a big deal to call your mom while you are in the office, and politely tell her about your wife's inconvenience in talking at home. He is simply not capable of managing his relationships.

    What is the big problem in sending Rs 5000/=, means 100$ per month to home for your mom's medical expenses?
    He is working right? Do you think your SIL will count each and every penny of his and needs a tale sheet at the end of each day?
    No need to tell her if she is uncomfortable and abusive towards this matter, but he knows he is doing right - So, why can't he send these money from his office? It is all not rocket secience Anuradha. Please stop blaming that woman unnecessarily.

    Bottomline:- Like you your brother too might have some issues with his parents, hence he too finds it difficult to forgive them. At the same time his wife's hatred feeling towards your parents addes more fuel to the fire.

    Basically in Indian society parents do not think that much about their retirement plans, hence they spend EVERYTHING to the well being of their kids (specially for their education and marriage - dowry) and become empty handed during their retirement age.

    Children should understand their parents sacrifises and current positions. Also they should know what/how they can help their parents after marriage - There will be always limitations once you are married, because after marriage your first priority should be your IMMEDIATE family, not your parents anymore. So, loving children will make sure their parents comfort levels before they enter into their new life (eg- deposit some money in their parents' name from their pre-marriage savings, build a home for their parents, arrange some servants at their convenience, set up their own home close to their parents, so that they can reach their parents at anytime.. etc..etc..). Here no need to worry about their future spouses as they do everything before their marriage only.

    But if the parents were not caring or the children have no love for their parents, then they will always find some excuses and put the blame on their spouses like the way your brother does.

    Please do not trust him... Give some works to your brain and use your commonsense to see who is at fault. You will eventually understand the scene better.

    Good luck
     
  9. Anuradha00

    Anuradha00 Bronze IL'ite

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    Nothing was agreed with her or her parents. It was a decision by my uncle to keep them separately. They happily agreed. If my parents were control freaks they would have insisted on joint family set-up only. They wanted to make sure they were no issues so they voluntarily gave them the flat to live in. So, how my parents are at fault? They are at fault for wanting him to be separate????

    Regarding how my parents may have treated her, she was their Griha Lakshmi. My parents and uncle never ill treated me (if that is what you are hinting), they just lived by orthodox old rules about girls having no need for education etc. I was never abused or anything, so I don't know what your point is. After arguing with my uncle, I was able to study engineering even though initially he wanted me to do home science. He paid my fees so I don't know what your point is. Anyway for them Son & dil are Vishnu and Griha Lakshmi, in fact, and they were treated like that. My anger at them was because of their (uncle's and father's) favoritism towards son. Mother was a weak woman. Even now I am not feeling that sad or sorry for my father because (a) he is a man and (b) he is very strong. It is for my mother that my heart is burning. My mother's only fault was she was weak. But she always loving towards us. and it really upsets me that he is cold even towards mother.

    It was assumed she had some problems. She would recover and be well if given lots of love and psychological counciling. Secondly she behaved ok otherwise. So it seemed better for them to keep distance instead of instigating divorce and giving her time to overcome whatever issues she had. At the time we didn't know all their family background info. It was only at my uncle's funeral that her father's sister told us everything about the women in her family. If we had known all this information back then maybe my uncle could have suggested divorce then itself. Now we know about her entire family and even about that cousin who is blackmailing husband with false 498a. My uncle and parents didnt do do diligence and background checking of her and her family when alliance was proposed. That was their mistake only.

    Yes. He was doing this. It seems she was suspicious and would go through his phone and keep tabs on him. She even calculated distance from home to office and would expect him to be by certain time. If he was late then she would accuse him of horrible things. Including having a girl friend, then abusing parents with foul language etc. He did not know how to react. In our house, we don't even raise our voice. So listening to such language, being slapped, having food thrown on his face, didn't know how to react. When he consulted doctor and told his wife to come for psychological counciling she went crazy. As I said above he is incapable and naive. Despite being a boy, he led sheltered and pampered existence. So he just couldn't able to deal with a dominating personality type. That is his problem not hers.

    I blame her for:

    1. Talking badly about my son to me to my face and in front of my son! In fact, many times my brother was there when she was making fun of my son and he didn't even told one word to her to stop it. So I stopped visitng them because these visits were traumatic to my child. She is such a cheap type she is even mudslinging against a child! And he is such a spineless jerk he just kept quiet instead of telling her to shut up. So how you think he would have reacted if she was badmouthing us (the adults)? Never I have seen such a spineless coward as him.

    2. Talking badly about my parents to me.

    3. Demanding us (hubby and me) to fund their us educations

    4. Getting on the phone and supporting brother in demand for life insurance money

    5. Using foul language against us.

    She is not a saint, dear Tugga. If there was even any shade of doubt I would put 200% of blame on my brother only. But she is also a culprit also because she was quiet open in her demands and behavior. Anyone who can talk ill of a child isn't innocent and being blamed unnecessarily.

    Please see above. I am clear in who I am blaming - it is both of them. But she is not the innocent she is being made out to be here in this dil forum. She is extremely cold and has shown her true colors too. She is cheap enough to even throw mud at a young child. So how I cannot be without blaming her, too?
     
    Last edited: Apr 10, 2010
  10. peartree

    peartree Platinum IL'ite

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    Anuradha

    Just a suggestion. I think most of the viewpoints you would receive here on this forum would be leaning towards favoring your S-I-L because as we can see from a lot of other posts, most are DILs who have had to put up with bad in-laws.

    So I think you, being the best judge of your family's situation, are absolutely justified in bearing some resentment over your brother and SIL and more so the SIL because it is after she came into the picture that all this unpleasantness has occurred. Now, it is only left to imagination whether your brother would have behaved the same way had he married another girl or if things would have been better had there been some other girl he married. That being said, I think both your brother and SIL are to blame and there really cannot be a percentage of blames assigned to any one person.

    Your parents are lucky to have you help them and you are lucky to have a spouse who doesn't frown upon you helping them (I am assuming that is the case). Your brother is lucky to not have parents who bear any ill-will towards him and is still able to lead a comfortable life.

    With that thought, I think you need not defend you stand to everyone who questions you because you know best how your family behaved towards your SIL and how she behaved with your family.

    As for the topic, I think as someone has suggested before, there are no bad in-laws or bad DILs, just bad people. When a person is just basically bad, I think some part of the bad nature would definitely creep into every role that he/she plays in his life, be it the role of a MIL, DIL, SIL, wife, husband, friend, whoever!
     
    Last edited: Apr 10, 2010

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