My Sister's marriage - Advice please

Yeah, you are right! Really in our Indian families I feel poor parents get blamed too much if something goes wrong in arranged marriages.

Personally, I don't like this live-in thing before marriage. May be my upbringing but really how can one still be sure they will be happy 10-15 yrs down the line because people change with circumstances and the basic quality of compromise/adjustment should be there rather than experimenting every stage and drawing inferences.
I think after some more years/decades people will start seeing if they can actually bring up kids by getting a baby home and trying it out if they are capable of parenting or not . Poor babies then!!!..........:rotfl

 

I don't understand these logics at all. Why it is wrong to expect any help or support from son / brother after his marriage? Does family cease to exist for males after marriage? In this forum, I am seeing all kinds of opinions like this. In another thread, a lady in a difficult situation was upset that her brother did not show concern for her marriage issues and someone else that he may have not cared because his wife may have object to his supporting her!!!! REALLY????? Wife is always No. 1 priority, but does not mean that parents and siblings should not be given any care or support at all!!!!!! If women are going to help their parents and siblings then men also can do that. In fact it is abusive of wife to isolate a man from his family and friends just because he is married to her! Only real abusers do this kind of thing and throw tantrums if their hubbies are supporting their families for any reason whatsoever!!! So, I urge you to not hurry your sister's marriage just because brother's marriage is delayed and after marriage he cannot be able to help you. After his marriage too, you have every right to expect assistance and support from him even if his wife is his first priority. Her family is not going to disappear for her so you people also should not disappear from him! Why I am saying this is - if you try to hurry your sister's wedding because your brother won't support you later on and if she is unhappy in the hurried arranged marriage, then she will blame you all the time. So, be cautious. Do not link sister's marriage and brother's marriage together and hurry one up just because the other is to be hurried. By all means let your brother marry and then take time to find a good groom for his / your sister. Act in haste, repent at leisure. So, do not rush - especially in marriage / life matters. I think first alliance is better but better you let your sister decide this. Also if you wait you may get more alliances and better ones too. So as I said don't couple the brother's and sister's marriage and rush into something your sister will be unhappy in later. All the best to her and your family.

 

Fall in love, fall in love
Dont fall into arranged marriages :biglaugh

 

Tugga,

I don't want to be harsh, but may be you need to give some time for your sister to mature and become independent atleast to the level where she feels she can pick one of the two if not really find one all by herself. May be you guys are making her too dependent by helping her in such important decisions. In marriage she will have to make many decisions, is she going to call you everyday for help? I think here more important issue is -Is she ready for a responsibility like marriage and kids? Not which one to marry.
Love or arranged, man-woman relationship kind of goes through same phases. Compatibility is not as important as couple's ability to deal with the incompatibility. No pair is wholly compatible. If they can't figure a way to deal with their little incompatibility, marriage can fall apart.
After all live-in trials before marriage , dating , compatibility tests- divorce rates are as high as 50% in USA. I know there are many failed marriages that may not go through divorce among arranged marriages. But , my point is dating or live-in trials, nothing can gaurantee or even improve chances of a given marriage succeeding. It truly is something that everyone needs to actually go through and find out.

 

[JUSTIFY]I agree with induvadana... I think she should be made independent first ... If you want to go with the alliances ...bank manager is better.... height difference does not matter I guess JMo though !! even I am 5'3-5'4 and my husband is 6'2 .

Yup I agree....be it love or arranged marriages go through same phase 5-6 years down the line. Marriage is a marriage be it love or arranged. Its not always arranged marriages that fail. Love marriages too fail ( both in equal amounts)
[/JUSTIFY]

 

Tugga

No offense intended. But just one important question. If she is a total dependant at this age of her life and at this stage of her life (i.e during her adulthood) then how is she going to manage her marital life? Isnt it going to be more challenging for such girls to settle down in marriage?

Did you guys find out what she wants? who she wants to be with and whats her reasoning? I guess first of all she has to understand how marriage works out, she shouldnt be pushed into something just for the sake of her being married or someones responsibility being fulfilled.

You have gone through so much, but you have a loving husband so you were able to make it all better. She doesnt have to go through all this and moreover if its an arranged marriage, its going to be much more difficult for such dependant girls isnt it?? (think what if the boy is also a mommas boy or dependant guy?). Think about situations where she is faced with challenges, who would be there to support her? she cant keep running to you or your parents all the time isnt it??

So prepare her mentally and ask her own reasoning on why she wants to marry someone or whom she is interested in and reason it out...start pushing her to growup (than pushing her to decide on getting married).

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day....Teach a man how to fish and he will eat for rest of his life. Think about it.

 

Tugga,

You shortlisted two grooms. Ask her to talk to them and let her decide the person on her own.

About being home maker [I cannot comment ] but she has to be independent. Staying near your parents - is it an important criteria to choose a person?? Because if you choose Bank Manager, there will be transfers. Then what she will do?!

 

Hi Tugga
IMO, when your sister is the one going to be married, she SHOULD take more interest to choosing whom she is going to marry.
This seems quite casual..to let everyone else decide for you, and then go with the flow..I wonder how she would make any of the major decisions which will follow after the marriage. Marriage is only the start of a long journey (You should know! You have been through so much! AND in spite of knowing your hubby prior to marriage)
I think she HAS to be more involved, more independent..god forbid tomorrow things don't work out, she will have no one to fall back on (Granted you and your family are there, but you are also married and have your own lives!)
Good Luck !

 

Hi tugga,

JMO,Criteria should not ruin one's life..It should be just to make oneself comfortable..In marriages both have to adjust..basic criteria like job,qualification is ok depending upon your sis's qualification and job..
But location should not be the criteria at all....try to make your sister understand this..And she is 24 now if you see down the lane..You will find that these basic criteria's also keep dissolving..Guys will also expect more from the girl...So you all need to tell her the pros and cons and ask her to adjust and be happy & matured.

 

Tugga.. whatever your current criteria is to select a groom for your sis ain't you dropping a bait for the perspective groom? If yes then what type of a man is going to apply & adhere to it?

A big furnished home & a dependent wife with life long criteria to live in that house... it can invite few such people:
1) Greedy/manipulative ones... who see the swanky house & feel that since the wife shall be dependent he can have full control at a later stage & sell it off.
2) Parasitic grooms .. who see a lifelong problem resolved of housing..
3) No man of values unless from an orphanage/ biological parents no more shall agree to remain is gal side setup forever & cut off his parents.

I see loads of unrealistic expectations & too true a setup free minus any sort of tension... possible only in movies/ novel.
My MIL / FIL have a age gap of 10 yrs, ht difference of 1ft .. FIL 6 - MIL 5, looks FIL fair - MIL dark... he was the only person who agreed to remain in her city cos he saw his future there & housing problem resolved... also lived with them in her house for a year & later MILs dad bought them a separate house. She treats him good for nothing & has no respect for him, he blames her for isolating him from his family.

They forgot their initial criteria to get married but started comparing what other married couples had... MIL felt humiliated when she got sarcsmas as married to an aged fellow, FIL felt humiliated when he was termed as Ghar jamai... RESULT -- Unhappy & no respect.