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in deep trouble after mil's visit

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sandu, Mar 30, 2010.

  1. yesican

    yesican Gold IL'ite

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    Sandu,

    assuming your hubby earms $65 k per year, you earn $20K per year for your part-time job(I know these are very low income limits I'm calculating, however wanted to take the absolute lowest you can earn legally on H1B)
    your combined yearly income is $ 85K
    take out 33% tax on average
    this leaves $61,200
    you say you send 70% of income of after-tax income to FIL for saving, this means you send $42, 840 anually to FIL to save
    in indian rupees this is over 19lakhs yearly
    For a middle class indian in india, 19 lakhs per year is a lot of money

    YOUR MIL FIL will never never give up control over all this the money
    They will fight for so much money with everything they have
    they know it is only you standing between 19 lakhs and themselves
    they will try every dirty trick in the book to make sure they control this money (this is what you MIL did when she came here)
    it does not matter to them if their son is happy, if he has a good marriage with wife, if he has a good relationship with his own daughter
    IN Fact, if he is happy with you, it is then a threat to the money they get annually
    YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER ARE A THREAT TO THE MONEY
    The money is their focus (again, past actions of theirs have proved this -whenever discussions of money come up, sending money to fil, you having your own account - they go berserk with fear of losing control of the money)
    they will not care if their son is unhappy with his wife, in fact they will be happy that their son is sad, because that means they can control the son and therefore they can control the money

    I feel sad for your daughter and you sandu
    I feel even sadder for your hubby -to be treated/manipulated/controlled by your parents just for money is very very sad for a son

    You have received great advice here, wanted to point out that it's all about the money, honey
     
  2. BeeAmma

    BeeAmma Silver IL'ite

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    Sandhya,

    I think you are throwing too many curve balls at your husband at the same time and landing yourself into a mess in the bargain.

    If sounds like both of you like each other and your primary sore point is the fact that he funnels his earnings to his parents.


    1. Focus primarily on getting your kid acclimatized to daycare and developing routine around it.
    2. You already have your own account so no biggie there.
    3. Ignore your in-laws and your husbands tantrums after he speaks with them.
    Half the battle is in your mind. The more you focus repeatedly on your in-laws dialogues behavior, the more it will inhibit your steps towards independence.

    Good luck.
     
    Last edited: Apr 1, 2010
  3. RadiantCat

    RadiantCat Gold IL'ite

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    What is your feeling about this marriage?

    1. Control freak inlaws
    2. Non-Cooperative Husband
    3. Persistent Abuse from all quarters
    4. Financial Issues
    What are the browny points you see in this marriage?
     
    Last edited: Apr 1, 2010
  4. sandu

    sandu Bronze IL'ite

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    Thanks again to all for your replies. Though I dont reply to all posts, I read all of them.

    Yesican,
    Although the salaries you assumed dont tally, the final figure is correct! In 2009 alone, he sent 19.XX lakhs to India. He was angry at me that I counted all this. Then, he vehemently denied having sent such a big amount to India, saying I must be crazy. When I showed him the details, he himself was a bit surprised. When I asked him in what schemes the 19 lakhs was saved (I gave leeway for his parents' own expenses, but he denied they use it for their own purpose), he asked me to look at moneycontrol.com where he told me he had entered all details. So, we took a look at it, but it didnt have the relevant details.

    I am sure about 12-15 lakhs was saved in all of their names together (not sure of the split-up however).
     
  5. sandu

    sandu Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear BeeAmma, thanks for your advice. I will try to think less of issues with in-laws...

    CanWait:

    >Control freak inlaws
    I can do very little to change my in-laws' behavior. It all lies on my husband to put an end to their meddling, be it with finances or with day-to-day life.

    >Non-Cooperative Husband
    This is one area which will definitely change, I think. He was quite co-operative in the beginning. I came to IL to find ways now to make him co-operate with me. I am also ready for counselling. After reading replies of ILites and getting my steam off here, I have found renewed courage to tackle this situation. Although many of you have asked me to quit, I know our marriage will work, because the good times we had were not long back and they will still be lurking somewhere in my husband's memory too. Only thing - he needs that push to shed his insecurities and start the metamorphosis into an adult. There is a good chance he will understand 10% of what you all said here; if he realises that, that itself will be a good start.

    Even yesterday, he told me at what time I can go to work next. He is himself unsure... one time, he pities me, i feel. That lasts only till he speaks to his parents, which is almost daily as of now.

    >Persistent Abuse from all quarters
    Though my situation is not at all rosy now, I am much better when I compare with a few months back when my mil was here. I hope with time and some efforts this will change.

    >Financial Issues
    Yes, this is a big problem.

    >What are the browny points you see in this marriage?
    He does like me and I too like him; we are only too much engrossed in issues to admit or express that. As I already remarked earlier, I feel he has some very good qualities. Only that the unwanted traits are clouding his mind and behavior now. With time, and with you people's guidance, I am sure we will lead happier lives.

    I have been thinking over what Malyatha said. There are 2 things that I see I can do now to make my husband feel more secure.

    - About my pre-marriage investments - I can rake up that issue again and really put a full stop to that. Although my husband has been denying wanting to do anything with that money, I am thinking of asking my father to calculate the total amount that I will receive after all my deposits mature (which will take about a year more, I think). Form FDs for that amount in my name from his own money (or simply put them in my bank account - not yet decided) and send us the details. I can then ask my father to use up the old deposits that I had made, for himself later on.
    I dont know what to do with the shares still. These shares were given to me by my company when I worked in India before marriage. I just bought the shares and did nothing with them. Is it legal to trade them now (while I live in US), since they are still resident Indian accounts? I didnt realise until sometime back that I should have converted that to NRI account. I am afraid I will get into problems trading them from here.

    - About my current US sole-holder salary account - do you think it is wise to close it and redirect my salary to our joint account, if he reveals the net banking password of the joint account to me and agrees to let me invest XXX dollars monthly here in my name with him as nominee? (That is what he first agreed, but later backed out from.) Could even be jointly, i m not particular about that. Or, would that take me back to square one?

    Thanks for your opinions.
    Sandhya
     
    Last edited: Apr 1, 2010
  6. RadiantCat

    RadiantCat Gold IL'ite

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    IMO, money should be the last item in a marital issue. I accept with what Mal had to say. Either share the expenses equally and take care of your money, but who will take care of the child. I mean, when you have a child it is "ours" and not yours or his.

    Why not invest completely on the child than on you or your husband. Won't that be a common interest for both of you?

    You are not in business to rip each other for money.
     
  7. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    This says a lot. Most people in a healthy marriage who are meant to be together use the word 'love' to do describe their spouse, not just 'like'. Life is too short to simply 'like' the person you're married to. I know it's just a matter of grammatics, but I feel that is you subconcience telling the truth by using that word.

    Also, in one of your posts, you said your mil has already told you that they'd not give back the money until you "became an obedient and loving wife". So already it's in their mind to make up some excuse to keep the money permanently. I bet you will never get it all back. I'm sure much of it has already been spent by them too. Your mil has said so herself that they are keeping the money no matter what, what other proof do you need that this is a disaster? YesICan is absolutely right in her analysis. And I would like to add, should anything happen to your husband, I'm sure you will be absolutely screwed. Don't expect a dime of help from your inlaws. The financial issue alone is cause enough to think of a split, because it's putting your WHOLE future at jeopardy. AND your daughter's.
     
  8. RadiantCat

    RadiantCat Gold IL'ite

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    I never see light in marriages where there's power game. Power game played because of money. My ex FIL was after his money for his own legal issues and never cared about the son's marriage or marital disaster. His only concern would be to boost the son's ego, so the son is permanently against the wife and no amount of talking worked.

    Whatever is said, the OP must protect herself and the daughter at any cost. Never give up your job. Nominees, beneficiary all these things arise out of power. I believe it is mean mindedness to expect these.
     
  9. sandu

    sandu Bronze IL'ite

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    Thanks again for your inputs ladies. Both my husband and I completely agree on the point that money is secondary in our marriage. But, still, our interpretations are different. His argument is - "Since money is secondary to you, just leave everything to my father and me. You be a housewife and dont interfere in money matters." Full stop.

    I have been raised in a family where money was not given undue importance. I never came across arguments involving money among my parents or close relatives. To me, money is still not of prime importance. My interpretation is - I am satisfied with whatever income we got/get now and the lifestyle we lead now; only thing is that we should save whatever we can sensibly.

    I hope to discuss with him again by the end of this week and revaluate our options. Hope we find some common ground ourselves. Thanks for all your suggestions, ladies. Letter, counsellor, more frank discussions - I will try things out and inform you of what happens.
    Thanks a ton!
    Sandhya
     
  10. sansmomy

    sansmomy Bronze IL'ite

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    Sandu,
    I read your post multiple times and could not help admiring you each time i read it.....how much patience you have shown in tolerating these senseless people....I think, it really takes courage to stick thru such a situation, you are very strong...

    I would suggest you to live separately from your DH alongwith your kid for a while....this way, he'll realize his mistakes and will understand your sacrifice and may come back to you with some sense in his behaviour...If he doesnt then also it is fine...why do you need such a husband who doesnt even respect you as a human being? We are in 21st century and he is still into 'respect my parents no matter what they do' drama.....

    All the best and keep us posted on your well-being.....

    ~S.
     

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