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in deep trouble after mil's visit

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sandu, Mar 30, 2010.

  1. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Sandhya,
    Now that you know the issue its easier resolving it.Go to counseling even if its on your own.
    Your DH will never grow up so you need to be mature enough.Stop talking to his relatives.
    Also remember that children will resist going to day care...google the issue you are having and it can be resolved or post it in the parenting forum.
    You can always stay in the same house and be separated.

    Good Luck.My Thoughts and prayers with you.
    FL
     
  2. Malyatha

    Malyatha Gold IL'ite

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    Sandu,

    I have revisited this site just for the sole purpose of responding to you.

    You & I have had many discussions before and I had hoped to be of some help to you. Instead, I find that nothing has changed, and your husband & you are still in the same position.

    Let me simply state what I would suggest to you under these circumstances:

    1. Clearly and unemotionally reevaluate your priorities. Is this how you want to live for the rest of your life?

    If the answer to the above is yes, then let things be as they are. If, however, your answer is a NO, then:

    1. Do as your husband wants and return your pre-marital savings to your father. This one issue has been at the very core of all of your problems. I have opined n number of times that you should close this account and either move the money into an account in YOUR OWN NAME or give the money to your father. Your claims that you will make your husband the beneficiary of this account when your trip to India is not the solution, because your India trip is not in the cards right away and this issue has gone on for far too long, spoiling your peace of mind and the quality of your married life.

    2. I have some concerns about your claims that all of his earnings are being sent over to his father. Then how are you able to pay your bills? I just don't get it. What I am getting is that he pays all the bills - and you share SOME but not all expenses - and the rest of his income gets sent over to his father in India for his father to save for him. So, you cannot claim that your FIL gets ALL of your husband's income. Please be fair to your husband.

    3. In continuation to Point No. 2, No more NONSENSE about him saving his money in his father's name. Period. Similarly, no more nonsense about you saving your money in YOUR name. The two of you are married - there should be NO yours and mine, there should only be OURS. Put your foot down and tell him that saving in his father's name for 6 months is out of the question.

    From this month on, he will save in your joint names only and you will do the same.

    If you cannot agree to this, then I am sorry to say that your position will not improve. You cannot save in YOUR own name and keep your pre-marital earnings in your father's name while complaining about your husband doing the same thing! Your husband is obviously very irritated by the issue of your money and while you have NO NEED to fork over your earnings to your FIL, your husband does have the right to your earnings - just like you have the right to his.

    If you are uncomfortable with giving him access to 100% of your earnings, this idea, then divide your house expenses (including mortgage) and calculate what percentage of your TOTAL income these expenses are. Then, you deposit that percentage of your salary in the joint account, he can deposit his percentage of his salary in the joint account and your bills here can be paid. This way, there is EQUITABLE (not equal, but EQUITABLE) sharing of expenses by the both of you - which is the only fair way to run your household. Whatever remains is your disposable income and yours to do as you see fit, just like he believes that his income is his to do as he pleases. This is not how adults should live but since the two of you just cannot come to a gentleman's (or lady's) agreement on this, this is the least stressful plan I could come up with.

    4. Regarding the lawyer issue - I have to ask you, what were you thinking? Your father threatened to file a false 498 A case against his entire family simply because your hubby was asking about your pre-marital savings, even though they were not in any way harassing you for dowry.

    I have already told you - just like you would want to know about his earnings before income, he also wanted to know about your pre-marital savings. Your father reacted by threatening to file a dowry harassment case. In my opinion, your marriage died that day and I explained why in my email to you.

    With this background, why did you bring a lawyer (even if she is a friend) into the picture? What were your MIL and hubby supposed to think? And you are asking WHY your MIL was freaked out? Do you realize how serious a 498A case is? Especially a FALSE one?

    If you want to end this marriage, then it is a different story. But you do not intend to do so, you want to stay married to this man. Then why do you complicate your situation by involving lawyers, threatening police case etc when you (and your family) have no intention of following through?? In fact, to your husband (and his parents) it might seem that you resort to threats every time things go wrong. Eventually they will stop taking your seriously. As your friend and well-wisher, I sincerely advice you to be alert and aware of your actions in this regard. So, no more empty threats, ok?

    5. The both of you need some time out from each other and from your extended families. So, for the next few days, take a step back from each other and take the time to heal yourselves. If you're done with this marriage, then you're done and you need to go in a different route. If, however, you want to stay on, then please, for God's sake, keep your in-laws out of the picture. Your MIL obviously loves to stir the pot - and there is ZERO excuse for your behavior. So, henceforth, do not give any 'green signals' for her coming here. Yes, it is her son's house, but it is YOUR home and your marriage and your well-being that takes priority.

    From this point onwards, proceed with care.

    Good luck!
     
  3. BeeAmma

    BeeAmma Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Sandhya,

    At the core of all this is the question, do you wish to spend the rest of your life with him? This is something you should truthfully answer to yourself .

    If you want to continue with him, this is what I would suggest:

    1. Understand that he gets riled up after talking to his parents and ignore him for x amount of time after that. Think of it as a toddler throwing a tantrum. The more you react, the more back-and-forth.

    2. Work on getting your kid more used to the daycare. That should take off a chunk of pressure.

    3. Reassure your husband that you love him and want to be with him.

    I do find it strange that your husband does not feel that he can communicate with you effectively so he is using your parents to apply pressure on you.

    Go slow, baby steps. Do not take on too many battles at once.
     
  4. BeeAmma

    BeeAmma Silver IL'ite

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    Malyatha, welcome back:). By the time I typed my response so may ppl have responded. Am a slow typer.
     
    Last edited: Apr 1, 2010
  5. BeeAmma

    BeeAmma Silver IL'ite

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    Sandhya,

    Is this true? Were your parents threatening to file a false case against your in-laws family?
     
  6. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Sandu,

    Malyatha brought up some stuff which I did not know and wish you had put in your original post. If your father is holding some money of yours, you need to take back control of it... else you have no room to tell your husband to take back the money from HIS parents. I don't believe in seperate accounts for a married couple. It just causes controversy and mistrust. Please open up a joint account... I think that will put a stop to a lot of these money issues. Tell your husband you will get back the money from your dad this very moment if he does the same with his folks, and you will be happy to let HIM manage all your future earnings in a joint account.

    As for false dowry complaints... what's past is past, but you should know involving a lawyer friend in the mix now would send them over the edge. Your mil is still a freak show, but when you know she is like that, you shouldn't have brought a lawyer into the picture which would surely make the situation worse.

    (On another note: HI MALYATHA! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN! WELCOME BACK! :thumbsup)
     
  7. BeeAmma

    BeeAmma Silver IL'ite

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    I agree with you 100% on this.
     
  8. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Mals

    Nice to see you back.:hiya

    Sandu

    Havent you resolved those issues we all spoke about in your last posts....about your accounts in India, which were supposed to be closed and the amt was supposed to be put on a FD on your kids name or handed over to your husband??? are these still pending?

    Malyatha has put some good questions..could you explain whats happening???

    Also I agree with ASG toooo because If your husband has allowed you to study, to work but all his problem is he doesnt know how to handle his parents tantrums, and all these issues again as we discussed are not because of you working or having a separate a/c..its because he cant keep things to himself...he just has to disclose and run to mommy everytime....I guess if you could talk to him about this issue first and take it from there...

    Can you ask him not to go to his parents and disclose things to his parents all the time? if he stops that you are ready to do what he wants..about anything...one issue at a time...will that work?
     
  9. sandu

    sandu Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear Malyatha,
    I am indeed happy and overwhelmed seeing you back just to respond to me. You have been a great source of strength and advice to me. I value your suggestions. I am really surprised that you have come back just for me.

    > 1. Do as your husband wants and return your pre-marital savings to your father. This one issue has been at the very core of all of your problems. I have opined n number of times that you should close this account and either move the money into an account in YOUR OWN NAME or give the money to your father. Your claims that you will make your husband the beneficiary of this account when your trip to India is not the solution, because your India trip is not in the cards right away and this issue has gone on for far too long, spoiling your peace of mind and the quality of your married life.

    Malyatha, my father does not want any of my earnings. He refuses to use it, saying it is what I earned and it belongs to me. Based on your previous advice, I did offer my husband the possibility that each regain control of our finances. That I bring all the documents (ATM card, etc.) from my father's house to our house here. While he takes over decision-making from his parents. He simply refuses. Pre-marital savings problem looks only like an excuse that he cites to me.

    Malyatha (& others), I think you have forgotten. I already told you the account (&investments) in India with my pre-marriage savings are in MY name only, I have told that several times to him (& in IL). That is why I said I will nominate him, till I close those accounts. I cant close it unless I sell off the ESOP shares in the linked demat account (shares are unfortunately at a low value for a long time). I offered to show him all those in internet banking, and he declined that. And what to do with the LICs and NSCs? It is not simple to close all that. I have told him several times to wait till they mature. All I can do is one thing - ask my father to give me cash at this point for all my pre-marital investments, and ask him to encash the investments for himself as they mature. Whenever I speak about it, my husband says he is not interested.

    2. On an average, he sent 70% of his monthly income to his parents. We pay all our bills ourselves, roughly split between us 50-50, he saves about 50 dollars monthly here in some scheme. 50-50 split is unfair to me, but I still accepted it as I didnt want to keep protesting.

    3.
    >In continuation to Point No. 2, No more NONSENSE about him saving his money in his father's name. Period. Similarly, no more nonsense about you saving your money in YOUR name. The two of you are married - there should be NO yours and mine, there should only be OURS. Put your foot down and tell him that saving in his father's name for 6 months is out of the question. From this month on, he will save in your joint names only and you will do the same.

    Malyatha, this simply didnt work out. i tried this for 2 months. My sal was credited to our joint account for first 2 months, as he agreed that I could save it here. But later, he didnt let me do that, citing his father should be involved and we cant do anything on our own here. I DIDNT make a separate account for myself as soon as I went to work. Only after he failed to keep his promise of saving my salary here did I opt to take my salary from the pool sent to India.

    I am willing to save jointly, but in our names only. Not in others' names. He simply refuses NOT to save in his father's name. No use insisting. He tells me to leave if I want him to do anything like that. And I dont want to leave.

    Malyatha, I certainly agree to your view about running the household jointly. My aim, as I pointed out already, is the joint account setup for us both. But my husband is not co-operating. What to do?

    4. Your father threatened to file a false 498 A case against his entire family simply because your hubby was asking about your pre-marital savings, even though they were not in any way harassing you for dowry.

    My father did not threaten my in-laws or my husband with a dowry case. That certainly didnt happen. What happened was, a common relative of ours played spoilsport by telling my in-laws that my father is going to do that. We have a common relative who has been doing just that from the beginning - supposedly carrying tales about me and my family to them. (I still dont know if she carried tales or they were invented by others). My in-laws didn't harass me for dowry; they did criticise my parents and fledge me for certain jewels, but they didnt get physically violent, if that is what you mean. Probably my aunt added spice to what we were discussing among ourselves and conveyed it to them that way.

    Malyatha, again, as you advised, I told my husband that next time this aunt brings up an accusation, I will speak to her on the phone rightaway, instead of talking to my parents or in-laws about it. My parents also reduced contact with this aunt. My in-laws didnt have any more complaints from that aunt after that, touchwood.

    This was just one of the many issues raked up by my in-laws, Malyatha. Not even my mil remembered to quote it after my lawyer friend came here. They probably forgot it. I would be running out of space here if I start all that. Imagine, this time my mil came here, she coolly tells my husband that I challenged my sister the day of our marriage that I am going to mistreat her (my mil) worse than she is mistreating her in-laws!!! :bonk And this husband of mine taunts me with that accusation.

    > With this background, why did you bring a lawyer (even if she is a friend) into the picture? What were your MIL and hubby supposed to think? And you are asking WHY your MIL was freaked out? Do you realize how serious a 498A case is? Especially a FALSE one?

    I had no other option. I have no one else here to help me. i know just 2 Indian girls here that I can call friends. I felt AFRAID and threatened on hearing statements from my fil that I will kill my husband. how long would it take for them to turn defensive and hurt me?? Already, my husband has told me stories about how his chitappa had once tried to assault his mother with a knife-like instrument. Whether that is true or false, I dont know. But all that occurred to my confused brain and I became afraid. It is a long shot, but still, I was afraid. I lost all my patience when they forced me to talk to my parents on the phone over and over again and explain to them under my mil's nose what my problem was, why I didnt lead a happy life with my husband, why I refuse her help in sorting out our "issues". I called this friend not for legal advice, but for sympathy. My friend is not a practising lawyer here. She is still a student here doing Masters; she can practice law only in India. I explained this to my mil later, but still, she harps on to the fact that I called a lawyer to scheme. I didnt take her legal advice. I just wanted to talk to someone. My husband didnt support me at all. Who else could I turn to?

    They were afraid of the fact that this friend would post my story in the internet revealing all our identities or narrate it to everyone else. She assured me that she wont tell my stories to others, and later, my husband realised that she is "harmless" too.

    What else could I have done? if i really wanted to screw them up, I could have called the police. But I didnt. i wanted to breathe after the 2-day nightmare; my mind cleared up only after pouring out my problems to her.

    My husband, however, doesnt complain that I called her. It is my mil who complains about it. Well, they pushed me to that situation. Bad luck, I had no relatives or other friends nearby to call them instead of this lawyer friend.

    Thanks again, Malyatha for stepping in. I wish you would stay her forever :thumbsup
    Sandhya
     
    Last edited: Apr 1, 2010
  10. sandu

    sandu Bronze IL'ite

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    Srividya, well, acc. to me, they are resolved. I have given him options - he refused to accept any. So, I told him what I will do - bring back docs to our house next India trip, or close the account if all NSCs and LICs matuer by that time and I am able to sell the shares. But, my husband is not very stable. For now, he doesnt refer to that issue. But rarely, he digs it up again. It is not actually the money he is after. He has strictly told me that neither he nor DD should be involved with that money. He develops such a hatred towards anything/any issue brought up by his parents. I hope I answered your questions in my detailed reply to Malyatha.


    Frankly, i dont know, srividya. I asked this of him 1.5 years back during our troubled India trip. he evaded the question. I asked it again just before his mother came to visit us. he sort of agreed to keep our discussions in private. I asked it again when I saw him do it during those 2 days of trauma. He only defended himself, saying that he needs someone to guide him. Recently, I pointed out to him that had he kept things to ourselves, matters would not have gone to this extent. He sort of agrees, but blames me still for my mentality. I dont know if it is wise to press it further. I will still think about it. He must learn this lesson on his own.

    Sandhya
     

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