Have I spoken something I shouldn't have??

Priya16 · Mar 31, 2010

Do they have any other kids.I beleive it's your husband failed responsability to plan for his paretns.You should have discussed with you before they reach and he should planned for there stay.
Some how he was not participating with the lifes of his parents.
I would suggest,if you have money and would affrod then construct first floor on the house which you are living where your in-laws can live for there rest of the life and you guys also neary by when they are need at the same time they can give you hand when you have kids.
I beleive it will be win-win situation for both of you.You can give rent the appartmetn which you have and give the money for there living or they might not need it but typically when they getting older they will have more medical expenses.

vimmy · Mar 31, 2010

Priya, Good suggestion. But right now we cannot do that. Already this house has a top floor with 2 bedrooms and the lower floor ie., ground floor has 2 bedrooms.
Kitchen is only one on the ground floor. There is a sentiment in our community that we should not have 2 kitchens in the same house where same family members are living. I don't know why and never asked. May be family unity kind of thing....

They have 2 daughters who are married. This is the only son.

Anyway, I will have to deal this with my FIL. I will let this go for some more days. And then when he seems to have gotten out of his shell I will talk to him and this time I will try my BEST shot at this. He is not the kind who yells, shouts or fights back. If he does not like or is hurt he becomes SILENT. I am not used to this in my parents place. We talk and talk and try to get a solution. But in this house SILENCE IS THEIR WEAPON!!!

My dh has little of that too. Hope it does not increase with age.....

Foundlove · Mar 31, 2010

Dear Vimmy,
You have figured it out.You can get it done.

I don't think you did anything wrong.Its only that you are not getting it why they are angry or sad.Probably they expected something and your Dh just assumed you will accept it .He should have discussed their future plans.

Being straightforward is fine but then you deal with the consequences instead of asking why they are not talking to me.

to ASG:
Rule of thumb-My parents I deal with;your parents you deal with.If anyone lives with that then life is easier.

Yes ,if bad stuff happens then take the Bull by the horns!

Take care.
FL.

vimmy · Mar 31, 2010

Foundlove....just curious to know more on the rule of thumb.
If his parents he has to deal then why is it OK for me to deal with them now? I mean, is it wrong if I talk to them on this because anyways what I want will never be achieved if my dh talks to them.
Then how can we get anything done if I don't get in?

Foundlove · Mar 31, 2010

Vimmy,
The reason I say let him deal because parents may get a little upset with kids but never angry.They always want to find a scapegoat and DILs are easy targets.

You can do it on your own but just be prepared to face this silent treatment.You must be able to brush it off;say it as it is and move on.

Otherwise you will be caught in a vicious cycle of trying to do the right thing,taking care of your family and still not getting any appreciation.

If you want to be in their good books then you have to be diplomatic.If you are straight forward (its a good thing) you simply get labelled as bad DIL.

Take care
FL

uma321 · Apr 1, 2010

Vimmy,
In my point of view, what you did is wrong. They have suffered in their life. Now they want to live with their only son. You have a big house. They're not disturbing you. Then, whats the problem? They are elders. You are respecting our community beliefs. But why didn't you respect this?

Most of the parents wants to stay with their son(s) in their later days. Life comprises of little sacrifices. There is nothing wrong is adjusting something that doesn't hurt us.

May be you can talk to your in-laws and tell them that they can stay in the same house. That may help!

My 2 cents!

sunitha · Apr 1, 2010

I feel the problem is only this:Your inlaws were thinking of a joint family setup after your FIL's retirement and came to your house since your husband is their only son which is typical indian mentality that son should take care of elders in their old age.So,they did not expect the DIL to ask them to go separate which was not their plan at all!

Now that you have told them quite boldly,they just don't know what to do.

rosegirl · Apr 1, 2010

Hi
Just wanted to pop in and say how much I admire your courage and straight forwardness. We all tell women to stand up for themselves but only a very few actually do it. You are one of them.

You wanted your privacy, your husband was not man enough to voice it out so you took things in your hand. So dont feel bad. Relationships are good if there is a distance.

Your inlaws will come around.

luckybychance · Apr 1, 2010

i cant understand what they have in mind....

Coffeelover · Apr 1, 2010

They are lucky to have a daughter in law like you. I am like you. i talked to my in Dh's family openly. Some of them got mad. But after few years things has changed. They are very nice people. So don't feel bad. may be your in laws got upset because they have to live in your house. May be they liek to contribute something towards the rent.

have a great married life. Don't worry about this small things. I am speaking with experience of my 37 years of married life.

Good luck.
:coffee:coffee
Peace Be with you.